Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Music Monday

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Welcome to another week. Something that I do every week is make a music playlist. It is songs that I listen to all week, and helps keep me motivated. And I felt this would be a nice little addition to my blog. Something that I could post weekly, and show my favourite songs of the moment. So here is my first, of what I hope to be weekly, Music Monday.

  1. Metro Station- Shake It
  2. Twin Atlantic- Eight Days
  3. Faithless- Insomnia
  4. Selena Gomez & The Scene- Naturally (Disco Fries Extended Remix)
  5. Good Charlotte- Boys & Girls
  6. Cock Sparrer- Riot Squad
  7. Ke$ha- Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
  8. SS Kaliert- Until We Strike Back
  9. Stiff Little Fingers- Johnny Was
  10. B*Witched- I Shall Be There (feat Ladysmith Black Mambazo)
  11. Avril Lavigne- When You’re Gone
  12. Madonna- Don’t Tell Me
  13. Amy McDonald- Run
  14. The Distillers- Idoless
  15. Jack Off Jill- Choke
  16. Toxic Narcotic- Asshole
  17. Skye Sweetnam- Music Is My Boyfriend
  18. Lethal Bizzle- Babylon’s Burning (The Ghetto)
  19. The Casualties- Warriors On The Road
  20. Aus-Rotten- Poison Corporations

If you want to listen to this playlist listen to it on Spotify at music monday 

Not to your taste? Let me know what music you’d share in a playlist.

10,000 Blog Views?

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10,000 views for this blog. It may not seem very much to some, but it is a milestone that passed a few weeks ago. I have no idea how my nonsense managed to get that many views, especially when my own visits aren’t counted.

I have been through quite a journey over the last several years, and this blog has documented it. I maybe haven’t gone as far as I would have liked in my ‘career’, but I have learnt a lot about myself and who I am. And, I think that is the best thing to come out of this blog. That despite everything, I am proud of the person who I have become. I am thankful as I reminisce about periods of my life I didn’t appreciate because I was so self-obsessed and depressed (2 things that incidentally are very closely connected).

That is maybe why I am so overbearingly PMA right now. Most of my early 20s were filled with me wanting to kill myself, because I saw myself as a failure. I spent night, after night alone, and this ‘ lack of a life’ became the focus of EVERYTHING. And when you spend all your time thinking about something so negative, it does get you down. It was only when I started forcing myself to do things as small as going for walks, that I left behind my negative mindset. And it has changed my life.

So here I am sitting on my bed, blogging from my iPad (laptop charger is toast) and wondering about who reads my crazy ramblings. Whether I have influenced someone, or whether someone has found comfort in what I have written. These may seem like ‘lofty ambitions’, but it is the magic of words. How letters and words typed by someone you don’t know can help you through something. It’s really beautiful really, and I think every writer, be it blogger, journalist, novelist or anything, wants their words to connect with people. To find an audience, and to speak to them.

The fact that people even glance at what I have to say, gives me a sense of achievement. And I want to thank every person who has ever read my blog at all. Thank you for keeping my dreams alive. I really appreciate it.

28 Things I Have Achieved At 28

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Since the last entry was such a downer, I felt I’d balance some things out a little.

1) I am a very individual person, who likes what they want to, no matter what those around me say.

2) On the 10th anniversary of leaving High School, I am still good friends with some people I met there.

3) I have been in employment constantly since I was 16.

4) I had two dreams when I was young, do something with animals or with art. I have attended college for both, and have learnt so much. Yes I failed exams, but the lessons I learnt there are
much more important than qualifications.

5) I read 3 books at once. Well, I go between 3 books.

6) I take time to sit and enjoy the world. The world is beautiful, and not enough people appreciate it.

7) I got over my anxiety I used to feel about things out of my control.

8) I fought through depression. And can proudly say that I no longer want to kill myself.

9) I accept the times I do feel very low, are natural and a sign that I need to give my brain something else to think about.

10) I have never intentionally hurt another person.

11) I read Lord of The Rings. After 13 years of trying. Finished it 2 weeks ago.

12) I know where I am comfortable, and wouldn’t put myself in a situation which would change that.

13)I know every word from The Lion King and Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride.

14) I have seen ALL my musical heroes in concert.

15) I successfully blow myself up in every Call of Duty game I have ever played online.

16) For how long I have had an Xbox, I have a ridiculously low gamerscore. But I realise this is because I mostly use it to watch TV and have a short attention span.

17) i have a uniform. Jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie. It has been that way for years.

18) Am the only girl in Inverkeithing (town I live in) with a Mohawk.

19) I regularly walk to and from work.

20) I am a believer that if a person wants their views to be valued, then they must value the opinions of others. No matter how ridiculous they may seem.

21) I also believe that whatever your opinion is on music, art or books, someone has created something. A person will make a connection with that ‘something’, whether it is Twilight or Beethoven, and that is a beautiful thing.

22) I don’t need money to make me happy. A Paulo Coelho book is all I want.

23) I can talk forever about nothing.

24) I can sing a thousand songs, and every note would be out of tune. But that will never stop me.

25) I frequently pretend I am texting, but I’m sending a tweet instead. (@sueriotgraphics)

27) I word vomit daily. Most people jut pretend it doesn’t happen, by ignoring it.

28) I think I am hilarious. I don’t think many people share my view.

I know these weren’t exactly achievements, but they are parts of myself that make me laugh and be grateful to be alive.

28 Things I Imagined I’d Done By The Age Of 28 (but haven’t)

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1. Have a relationship, where me and my partner are so connected, we are best friends.

2. Be employed as a Vet.

3. Be an artist on the side, because I want to, not for money.

4. I’d be trying to get my first novel published.

5. I’d be a YouTube partner, and vlog regularly to an audience who I really connect with.

6. I’d have my own house, with a garden.

7. The garden would have a vegetable patch, where I’d farm my own food.

8. I’d have a car, so I could go where I want.

9. Have loads of money, like every adult does.

10. Invite my best friends round every weekend where we drink and watch crap movies.

11. I’d have my own dog.

12. I’d be living in Glasgow.

13. All my favourite bands would know my name.

14. Have gotten past the stage where I massively obsess over a person I’ve never met.

15. I’d host dinner parties where I pretend I had cooked the food, but I had ordered takeaway.

16. The rollercoaster emotions would be left in my teenage years, and I’m always happy.

17. I be a size 10 and addicted to the gym.

18. I would get past relying on others opinions of me so much.

19. I’d have stopped watching Cartoon Network.

20. I’d no long buy My Little Pony toys.

21. I’d have so many friends constantly texting me, because nice people get friends.

22. I would be a great worker, and the best at what I do.

23. I’d have displayed work at a gallery, and sold it for charity, for the PDSA.

24. I’d have used my first aid training to save a life.

25. I could do whatever I want.

26. I’d like more grown up things, like shopping and knitting, rather than Mario Kart and Disney movies.

27. I would be glad I was an adult and wouldn’t pine for my teenage days.

28. I would be successful.

Failure To Launch

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Well that went well, didn’t it?

I am struggling to find the time to write more regular, which actually depresses me a great deal. I love writing, and the fact that I am not getting the chance to do so, is rather depressing.

That is a bit of an idea how my life is at the moment. I have good intentions of changing things and keeping up new habits. But, I very rarely get past the ‘thinking’ stage. So, I am sitting at work, bored in my lunch hour, and I thought it would be a good chance to write a little. And when I am sitting here, typing into my computer, I can feel any stress melt away. Now, I know that I am not writing about anything specific, but the very motion is enough to relax me. The repeatitive nature of typing, and watching one’s thoughts appear into a screen before their eyes is something that I have always liked.

Which makes me sad, that I dont put aside more time for it. That my ‘frustration of the day’ could be aired in a blog post, sounds very appealing. The issue that I have, that I have mentioned before, is that to post about a lot of things, you need to have a thick skin. People on the internet don’t seem to have any idea that if they say something to a particular user, they are saying it to their computer screen, the nonsensical username. It is hard to remember that people don’t seem to make the connection between people and content online. Which is silly, really, but it is something that happens, I guess. Because there is zero confrontation involved, people tend to act harsher, so to gain themselves attention.

But, regardless what I tell myself other people think about content they find online, it still stings when someone attacks me. I am the kind of girl who tries to be nice to everyone (and fails, mostly, but my intentions are good). If I post something about a news story or Lady Gaga, it will never personally attack people, because I hate that kind of thing. I have had experience of internet hate, so why would I want to subject someone else to it (no matter their status). I think, rather than the negative comments willing me on to be better, it puts me off. It’s like, ‘why should I say anything else when I get shouted at for saying that’.

Maybe it’s a strange view to have, but I am, afterall, a very strange person.

Regular as Clockwork

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I have heard recently, that an active blog should be updated a couple of times a week. This doesn’t inundate readers with daily posts, but it let’s them see that you are still active. Okay, it was advice on Vlogging on YouTube, but I guess the same rules could apply to blogging.

Usually, if I go on a kick and blog EVERYDAY, I will do it for so long, and suddenly stop. It’s like I have overdosed on it, and then can’t find anything else to say. So I go from blogging daily, to not blogging for a month. I thing part of blogging is habit, if you get yourself out of the habit of posting, then it is hard to get back into it.

I think that writing 2 blogs a week is a good target. Something that seems a little bit easier to do that blogging every day. But, we’ll see. Hopefully, if I get back into the swing of things, there shouldn’t be too many more blogs about blogging. 🙂

Be Your Own Hero

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Change is hard.
But change happens.
Accepting change is difficult.
Enforcing change change can seem impossible.
But to be successful, a person needs to be able to change things. No matter what your status is in life, you will have some bad habits. Things that you do without thought. It may effect your life dramatically, it may just sit in the background of your life.

Sometimes, just to feel empowered and in control, you need to change something. Whether that is losing weight or going to college, change is good. I want to find control. I am not happy with my shape, so I am going to try and exercise more. I have spent the majority of my life beating myself up because of how I am shaped, and that is not a good place to be.

So I hope to change my mindset by getting fit. This will hopefully help me become more positive. And be the end of these selfish ramblings.

Or maybe not. 😉

Looking For Sue

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am the kind of person who has always thought for herself. Mostly because I have always spent a lot of my time on my own. Also, because I had no one to really ‘bounce ideas off’, I just came to my own conclusion on things.

When I was younger, I struggled with it. I struggled that the person who I wanted to be was not the same as everyone else. I just wanted to understand the workings of the world a bit better, and find a way to contribute to the world. Whereas everyone else at school, had decided at 12 what they would do, and we’re going to stick to that path. In fairness, all my friends that were that focused on their future career, got what they wanted. And for that, I am proud and have a lot of respect that they ‘stuck it out’ and got where they wanted to be.

I just wasn’t that focused. I thought that there had to be more about life that just getting a great job. I visited museums and art galleries on my own, I just tried to find out who I was. To me, being the person I wanted to be, was more important than any vocation. Which is why I maybe flunked college when I went. Twice. But I look it those ‘failures’ as character developments. Both times I attended college, I discovered a lot about myself, and continued my search to find the person who I wanted to be.

I became so focused on me, my relationship status rarely changed from single, which is still the same today. But I found a person I am happy to be, and that is more important to me. The only relationship that should have all your attention, is the one with yourself. Because if you don’t love you, how can you expect anyone else to?

I try to educate myself regularly. I love reading books on history and politics. And I have recently taken to teach myself French (after I attempted it at school, but have forgotten 99% of it). I feel that over the last few years, I have moved greatly towards the person I want to be. I just cut my Mohawk again, for the first time in 6 months, and I feel like me. And from someone who has struggled with herself for most of her life, this is a revelation. It makes me feel successful, although people looking at my life, may disagree.

I am the kind of person who: is compassionate, has kick-ass music taste, ponders a lot, reads 3 books at once, puts subtitles on movies because I want to listen to music at the same time, has a strong dislike for the colour pink, interested in politics, interested in science, grrl gamer, is intelligent, is a bookworm, opinionated, is accepting, non-religious, argumentative, childish, queer, tattoo addict, fashion reject.

All these things make me who I am. What makes you who you are?

I’m Addicted To You

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I was watching some show on TV last night, that talked about how easily people can become addicted to things. Be it narcotics or sky diving, people get addicted the good feeling, that comes with a particular activity. Everyone has something that they are addicted to. Whether it is watching Coronation Street without fail, having a whiskey every night or topping up your fake tan. There is something that you can do every day without thinking, something that you do because it makes you happy.

If that is the case, why do people like drug addicts and alcoholics become the most hated people in modern society. They aren’t really any different to you, except they just ‘get their kicks’ in a different way. It is just their addictions can lead to problems with their own bodies, and behaviour problems that effect the general public. So the final outcome of their addiction may be problematic, but do they deserve the damning that the majority of people give them.

I don’t think so. If you expect someone to accept that you are addicted to looking and feeling a certain way, surely alcoholics and drug addicts are no different. They, like us all, are just looking for something to help through life, and make things easier. Everyone has something that makes life a bit easier to cope with it. So why demean others for doing the same thing?

Attack! Attack!

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

Work and life has been a bit rubbish.

And I am feeling rather nervous about posting personal things online because I seem to be getting lampooned a lot for it. The usual Internet troll crap is something I can live with, but now people who I accept as friends and family are hating me for it. They don’t understand why I want to ‘tell all’ and post it online for the world to read.

On one hand the criticism doesn’t mean too much, because these people have not a lot of experience of Internet geekdom past Facebook and YouTube. And as a reaction they attack what it is they don’t know about. It’s a natural response i guess.

But on the hand, I don’t understand it. I have had problems with depression and talking about things online has helped me cope – bit. And the fact that these people are attacking my coping mechanism and they know how hard the last few years have been for me.

I guess it sucks. There seems to a stigma that is becoming attached to publishing things on line generally. Which is strange because blogs about clothing, food and tech seem to be very popular.

The worst thing is that I am cutting back on what I am posting, to try and please those around me. Which is not something I should have to do. *sigh* What a pain!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.