Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

July Playlist

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have 8,116 songs on iTunes. This is great, but sometimes a little overwhelming. I can’t decide what to listen to, and sometimes putting your iPod on shuffle doesn’t do it. So, I decided to go through my iTunes and make a playlist. A playlist of 82 songs, which is a lot, but its what I wanted. The songs I picked, are noted below.

The Killers- All These Things I’ve Done
a1- Ready or Not
Good Charlotte- Sex On The Radio
Iron Maiden- 2 Minutes To Midnight
R.E.M.- Nightswimming
All Saints- Never Ever
Operation Ivy- Smiling
MGMT- Kids
Morrissey- First Of The Gang To Die
Amy MacDonald- Caledonia
No Doubt- Ex-Girlfriend
NOFX- Linoleum
Mest (feat Benji Madden)- Jaded (These Years)
Melanie C- I Turn To You
Lethal Bizzle (feat Kate Nash)- Look What You’ve Done
Linkin Park- One Step Closer
McFly- Room On The 3rd Floor
Lady Gaga- Bad Romance
Lady Sovereign- Love Me Or Hate Me
Amy Winehouse- Back To Black
Kei$ha- Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
Kings Of Leon- Sex Is On Fire
Horrorpops- Walk Like A Zombie
Jake Bugg- Trouble Town
Feeder- Just The Way I’m Feeling
The Exploited- Exploited Barmy Army
Ellie Goulding- Starry Eyed
Hanson- Where’s The Love
Deadmau5 & Kaskade- I Remember
Green Day- When I Come Around
Gwen Steffani (feat Akon)- Sweet Escape
Anti-Flag- 1 Trillion Dollars
Faithless- Insomnia
Fatboy Slim- Rockerfeller Skank
Goldblade- Riot! Riot!
East 17- House Of Love
Eminem- The Real Slim Shady
Dizzee Rascal- Sirens
Coldplay- Viva La Vida
The Distillers- Idoless
Dizzee Rascal & Armin Van Helden- Bonkers
Chumbawamba- Tubthumping
Blondie- Call Me
The Buzzcocks- Ever Fallen In Love
Buddy Holly- Earth Angel
The Casualties- For The Punx
Christina Aguilera- Fighter
Calvin Harris- Acceptable In The 80s
Anti-Nowhere League- I Hate People
Ashlee Simpson- Pieces Of Me
Atomic Kitten- See Ya
Avril Lavigne- Freak Out
Britney Spears- Toxic
Blink 182- Up All Night
The Bouncing Souls- Lean On Sheena
Patti Smith- My Generation
Rancid- Hoover Street
The Saturdays- Beggin’
Savage Garden- Truly Madly Deeply
Selena Gomez & The Scene- When The Sun Goes Down
Shakira- Don’t Bother
Sham 69- If The Kids Are United
Simple Plan- When I’m Gone
Skindred- You Can’t Stop It
Sonic Boom Six- Sound Of A Revolution
Sonic Boom Six- Northern Skies
Spice Girls- Who Do You Think You Are
SS-Kaliert- Make War Not Love
Steps- Last Thing On My Mind
Stereophonics- I Wouldn’t Believe Your Radio
Stiff Little Fingers- Johnny Was
Sum 41- In Too Deep
Teenage Bottlerocket- Mini Skirt
Time Again- Lines Are Faded
U.S. Bombs- The Contract
UK Subs- Teenage
The Veronicas- I Don’t Wanna Wait
Vice Squad- Business As Usual
Wednesday Night Heroes- Wash ‘Em Away
The Who- Baba O’Riley
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I like a playlist I can leave on all day, which is why it was so long. I also like lists, so a list about music is like a strange part of heaven. What are your options with playlists, do you like long or short? Do you stick in specific genres? Or do you just keep your music on shuffle?

Fearing Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

Over Whelmed

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The world NEVER switches off. No matter what time of day it is where you are, it is ‘rush hour’ somewhere. 

It is something that used to amaze me when I was younger. That when I was asleep, people where at school, having meals and working away. When you get to that realisation, it opens you up to thinking about a world outside your own personal ‘bubble’. There is a whole new world full of different behaviours, thoughts and lifestyles out there that we can be completely oblivious happen to. 

Even as an adult, the idea that there are communities completely different to the one I grew up in, has the capacity to freak me out a little. It’s not that I am feeling weird about people having a different way of living than me, it is the sheer scale of the variety that is out there. It’s just that there are so many cultures in the world, that people spend their whole lives trying to learn about. And then, these cultures, they all have their own history, which is another lifetime worth of studies worth. 

I think it can seem a bit over whelming when you think that nobody knows everything about the world. It makes me feel rather insignificant. Which is not as negative as it seems. As well as making the successes in life seem immaterial in the grand scheme of things, it also makes the failures seem super-small. As a person who mostly focuses on the negative things in her life, the fact that it is so tiny and irrelevant in regards to global events, it sometimes makes me feel better. That people make it through worse than I do every day, so maybe I can do something about my life.

It staggers me sometimes, that I get overwhelmed with my life, and nothing of value really happens there. I couldn’t imagine if I had to control a country or something on a global scale, because I don’t know if my wee bubble will expand enough to let everything in that needs to be there. I stress out organising my own life, imagine organising life for thousands or even millions of people?

Conclusion: with my organisational skills, it is best that I stay single and shout at Paris Gellar on my ipad as I watch yet another episode of Gilmore Girls. That I can deal with. Not Paris, she annoys me in a way that I can only express as love to hate her. And, yes, I know that she is a fictional character. She provides my bubble world with a villain, where the hero is Yoshi who drives his stupid Kart slower than everyone else. No matter how much I press that ‘A’ button, he doesn’t go any faster. There is a metaphor for my life in there somewhere. 

Telly Addict

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In the age of the Internet, we all seem to have the assumption that we no longer rely on TV. We spend nights browsing the web, rather than sit in front of the ‘gogglebox’ all the time.

People do still watch TV, it just maybe isn’t as traditional as it once was. High speed internet and DVRs have changed how people view TV shows. You can set things to record, and watch it when you want. You can watch episodes through various catch-up services such as BBC iPlayer or 4OD. Then there’s Lovefilm and Netflix, where for a monthly fee you can access a seemingly endless amount of shows and movies to watch on games consoles, mobile phones and computers. We have more options than ever.

And the problem is, that because i can stream 3/4 episodes in one go, i watch more TV than ever. I don’t have to wait for schedules for everything. I am watching through Buffy, Gilmore Girls, Dexter and Weeds. And by having all the episodes ready, I can watch them all intwined. It’s great, and super addictive.

I still watch shows as they are scheduled, only really Bitchin’ Kitchen, Skins and Casualty. I know none of them are particularly interesting to most, but I got in the habit of watching them. Which is something I have always done, had one or two shows that I watched regularly. Then the Internet and on demand viewing happened and I watch loads of TV, although most of it is through my iPad or Xbox.

It’s like i can feel compulsed to watch a certain show. Particularly the Gilmore Girls. It’s too easy to watch one episode and think, ‘I’ll watch the next one’. And before I know it, I’ve spent the whole afternoon watching it. It’s easy to do, and not something that used to happen.

TV still rules, it has just adapted a little. What shows are you addicted to, and how do you watch them?

Stay Away!

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Sometimes it is easier to close the doors, rather than letting the world in to see and judge the inner workings of your life. If a person is having problems with their own life, the last thing they feel they need is someone else putting in their own ‘two cents’ on the situation. Or something worse, you are told there ‘is no situation’. Which means, whatever you are unhappy about is not worth being unhappy about. I mean, who has the right to say what makes another person happy or sad?

But by keeping the outside world out, all that happens is you ‘bury the head in the sand’. And for a short time, maybe it seems to work. No one to question your behaviour, or asking ‘how you are’, and no lies need told to cover up your distress. You can work, and be a ‘strong person’, you can pass off the appearance that everything is okay. And the only reason that those around you, think you are okay is because you don’t let them close enough to see anything different.

This doesn’t solve any problems though. The feelings of anguish, and whatever caused the issue, are more than likely, still there. So all you have done is make it harder to talk to people, as you begin to see yourself as a burden. They have been happy without you sharing, so why worry them with your mess?
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I act like this a lot. It seems easier to put my problems into a ‘no go’ area of my mind when it comes to talking to friends, in a bid to become normal. But, there is no such thing as ‘normal’, every person has their little flaws and positives. Nobody has an ‘easy life’ it is just the perception you can get as a by-stander. Some people can hide certain things from some, but they will have someone that they’ll confide in.

I have ‘locked people out’ and it has just made it harder find reason enough to turn to someone. It has left me alone with my problems. That’s where the Internet has come into play, it has been a place where I can talk through my issues without feeling I am being a burden. It maybe is not the best way to cope, but it has helped me think about my life in a healthier way than bottling it up.

What about you? Do you try to keep your issues to yourself? How do you cope if things get harder?

Opinion Timing

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I have spent a lot of time on this blog recently discussing the matter of opinion. Of accepting it and whether it is always accepted. A big side of this is timing, if your opinion is voiced at a inappropriate time, it WILL get met with negativity.

This last fortnight has been the annual Wimbledon tennis championship in London. It has been a great tournament, filled with some great matches. This years event was made all the better because Andy Murray won the men’s title. It was fantastic. There hasn’t been a British singles winner in my lifetime, and it always seemed like it was something that was out of reach. So when it happened, so many people were ecstatic. And they shared their joy and congratulations for Murray across social networks.

Twitter was good, as with any popular event, if people don’t care about something they ignore it. Or if they say something it is insignificant in amongst all the happy comments. I did notice that on Facebook, there were multiple comments of ‘I’m sick of Murray’, ‘it was just tennis, which is boring’ and ‘people need to get a life if they think tennis is fun’. I am all for people sharing opinions, but they have had an entire 2 WEEKS to show their opinion about tennis, but they do it just as we have a British champion? Does it devalue their opinion because they decided to voice their thoughts right at the highest point of the competition?

Sometimes to get an opinion heard more, you maybe do have to voice it at the moment the subject gets the most attention. By doing this, you could get an emotional response, particular if it is the polar opposite to what the majority are feeling. People may question the authenticity of your opinion, considering you have never spoke about it until it became the most popular. Some may think that because you are not a’part’ of something, that you feel you need to go against the grain to be noticed.

It is a difficult one to call.
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I am a huge sport fan, and have watched days worth of tennis over the last 2 weeks, and am super thrilled that Andy Murray won. Having watched him for years, over the last 2 years, Murray’s game has changed so much. He is so powerful. So congratulations Andy, the first Scottish man to win singles at Wimbledon.

Lies That Exist About Unemployment

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I have been unemployed now for the longest period of my life. It is depressing and lonely, where no matter how much effort you make, you are still labelled a useless leach of society.  When I was employed, I was one of the masses who rendered the people who couldn’t find a job as ‘useless’ for not finding a job. I would curse them for having barbecues when I had to sit in a overheated call centre on a Saturday. I had decided that there were thousands of jobs available, people were just lazy for not finding one.

Since I have been unemployed, I have sent away over 200 applications for jobs ranging from cleaner to office administrator to retail assistant. I have had 4 interviews. One I was refused because of poor credit score. Second broke data protection when selling things to customers, it didn’t feel legit, and the company self-employed you, so, I gather, that they can just wash their hands of you when you get caught. Third and forth didn’t bother to contact me back after my interview, which is just darned rude. So, in a bid to lift the lid on unemployment, I’d thought I’d make a few points.

1. Job Centre is there to help. 

Whilst fortnightly appointments to the job centre is supposed to aide you in finding employment, it can sometimes have the opposite effect. Every attendee to the Job Centre gets appointed an advisor, who will overview their job search and give advice. Which is excellent. But, you see that personal advisor maybe once every 2 months. The rest of the time you just get ‘signed in’ by a random advisor. This person doesn’t care about what you do, and seems to judge you on everything that you say. Makes you feel like dirt, obviously because you are not registered to that particular advisor, but they should still do their job. It makes you feel worse than dirt, when the person supposed to help you, has the most unhelpful manner there could be.

2. Register with agencies.

This depends on what field you want employment in, but for office work and customer services, agencies are useless. I have registered with 8 agencies, I have got nowhere with anything. The process I am familiar with is that you give your CV to an agency, and they check to see if you have the correct skills for the vacancies that they are looking to fill, and if you do, they place you on their list of suitable applicants. So, I, on advice of the job centre, registered with these 8 agencies. Since doing this in  February, I have had 10 vacancies forwarded to me. 9 ignored me, and one told me that the vacancy was filled. So this, despite being viewed as a good way to gain employment, has been useless. And when I hear that this is supposed to be a great way to find temporary work and I get nothing, I feel a little useless.

3.Apply For Everything, You Will Get An Answer

One answer from all your applications, maybe.  I have lost count of the applications that I have sent away, and not even got a note of receipt as a response. It is like most of the applications that I send away just get sucked up by a black hole. You could be sending them to a wrong email address, the vacancy could be filled, there could be a problem with the application form, and you would never know. Whilst I know that it could be impossible to send every applicant a personal letter, an automated email with ‘if successful we’ll contact you within 14 days’ would be good. It costs nothing for someone to arrange, and lets the applicant know that their application has been received. But that is not standard practice, so be prepared for the majority of your applications to go no further.

4. Unemployed People Sit Around And Do Nothing.

I have worked since I was 16. This past 5 months has driven me crazy. It is the first time I have not been either in education or employment since I was tiny.  I need to go and do things. I can’t just sit and watch mind-numbing TV. I go and spend part of my day looking for work, I try to do something creative, like draw or write, and then I go outside for a walk. Trying to keep busy stops me from going stir-crazy, because I stress myself out enough because I can’t find anything. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink that much, but yet these things are classed as the main pastimes of the unemployed. I have been offered getting a flat and housing benefit. Having never claimed before, I didn’t want to take any more money than necessary, as I can and do live with my parents. I do feel like I am treading on their toes a bit, but I’d rather be uncomfortable than try to get as much handouts as I can. If I want out, I will find a job and rent a place myself. And that has become the mantra that keeps me moving.

It’s exhausting, the whole searching for work. To interview well, I have believed that you have to envision that you are the best person for the job, so that you can sell your qualities and things. The problem with that, is that you may think that you will definitely get the job, and when you don’t, it can bruise your ego. It has mine. I haven’t looked for a job for over 6 years, I was employed so I didn’t need to. In that 6 years, the job market has changed dramatically, and people will look for any reason to turn you down. And, it feels like you have to battle against a tidal wave, to try and get a job.  And my opinion has changed so much. So before workers berate the unemployed, consider the facts above, and try to put yourself in their shoes. The unemployed are people too, no matter how much you want to separate yourself from them.

Happy Blog Is Happy

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I have no idea how long it has been since I spent an evening with iTunes on shuffle and editing on Photoshop. Reminds me of my college days, rushing to get things finished till 2am, for a deadline the next morning. Thinking about it, that is possibly why things didn’t go as smoothly as intended.

I have been more motivated. Keeping myself motivated on  the job application front, which is hard considering you can be lucky to get 1 reply for every 20 applications sent off.  So, as you can gather, not a lot of positivity in that front. But trying to keep my head up, by throwing myself back into things that I haven’t done for so long. Like regular photographs, more blogging, making videos, drawing and re-familiarising myself with Photoshop again. It is unbelievable how much you forget, when you aren’t using it all the time. I mean, it took me over 15 minutes to remember how to find and use my custom brushes. Obviously, the fact that I am an idiot did not help that situation, at all.

I don’t know if it comes across, but I am the happiest I have been in so long. It is like I have found a part of myself that has been missing for so long, and it is great to have it back.  And I am making the best of it whilst it is here. I have been so depressed by everything around me for so long, that it has failed to inspire me to do anything. So, I have a list of things that I want to do, so I am working on that. First thing was a change of logo/header across all my internet doings, and also syncing a few things together. I am excited for the future, for the first time in years. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Speaking Your Mind

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I have always had the belief that everyone should be able to speak their mind. That every discussion needs a pro and con side. And that by doing so, people should take all sources in account when considering what opinion to have on something.

This, however, is not always the case. People could form an opinion because of one thing someone said. They read a particular newspaper, and believe their propaganda to be fact, rather than being paid by some lobby. This is the United Kingdom, people’s views aren’t that as radical or as ill-judged as some in other countries. Or are they?

Throughout history, people have craved conflict. In the worst case senario, war and fighting can break out. This is something that can bring the people of a country together as the strive to get some kind of comradery to try and keep people strong. In the UK, this last happened in World War 2, when our country was in direct attack. Towns and cities were being attacked by Nazi bombing, and communities had to band together, to stay strong and rebuild communities after the War. People were pushed into co-operating with one another.

We are currently experiencing one of the longest peacetimes on British soil, and the need to band together is not really a requirement to exist anymore. People still want something to fight for, so start supporting various causes. This, fantastically, should bring some things into discussion, and make changes. But, as time goes on, people can start to look negatively about their personal situation, and get frustrated that their views do not get represented fully. They may start to band together with those who have similar points of view to themselves, and get could get pushed towards causes that they maybe never considered before. But the need for unity, and being heard, begins to cause conflict with other causes. People look for the differences in one another, rather than seeing why we are so similar.

The more frustrated people get, the more they want to change people’s views so that they can make the changes that they want. The frustration grows, and conflict becomes more and more common. People protest, the fascist right wing groups start to gain momentum, as the government struggles to keep a calm. Situations may arise like the Scottish Independence Referendum, where frustrated people want to change something, to try and better the situation for them and others. But all facts may not be considered, as people get more passionate and less considerate. They say what they say, and f**k anyone who doesn’t agree.

In the battle to get a fair society for all, the perception of what is ‘fair’ changes from person to person. To some, protection of the Church and Christian ethics are an important part of the laws of the land. To others, religion shouldn’t be a part of any government, and things such as marriage should be available to all people, regardless of sexual orientation. These two opposing view points are something that should be discussed calmly.

But increasingly, what people are being dictated to, in what to think. If someone believe’s in God, and feels homosexuality is wrong, shouldn’t he be safe to say his opinion? I don’t believe religion is necessary in government, as I believe some of the ‘rules’ can be out of date, should I not say that for fear of retaliation? How about another example, we allow a Iraqi family to come to the UK and live, they do and their kids go through our school system and become productive members of society. That’s great, isn’t it? They then learn about UK soldiers bombing Iraqi civillians, do they not have a right to speak out against the country that accepts them as inhabitants, and at the same time kills their countrymen? Surely they do. But these people will get told to leave the UK, for not supporting our troups. They work and pay taxes as much as the rest of us, shouldn’t they be able to speak their mind as much as their neighbours?

And that is the problem with free speech and speaking your mind. It is never really free to some. The efforts to stiffle those who speak more unsavoury thoughts, is painting an untrue picture of public opinion. If you let pro-choice people demonstrate, let pro-life too. Free speech in any society should allow people to share the opinions, without fear of retribution.

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I know I have talked about this a lot reccently, but I am seeing it a lot in the media around me. And it is something that dwells on my mind a lot, because I feel I can say what I want, but that is because I have quite liberal leanings, but what about those who have more conservative views? I think increasingly those with conservative views are hushed into silence for being not so politically correct.

Falling on Deaf Ears

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Sometime’s I feel that what I type here, gets ignored. It is something that is said to me a lot, as if it demeans the meaning of the words that I write.

But it doesn’t.
I write this blog because I want to. Because it helps clear my head, and it is a place where I can say what I want to. The idea that someone might read what I write is nice, but it isn’t for anyone else. If someone sees it, and thinks ‘I can write better than that’, then great. They can start their own blog, and talk about what matters to them.

I started this blog to document my personal journey to becoming a graphic designer. My plan has kind of been uprouted, more than once. And right now I am unemployed, trying to get work, and trying to get a passion for life again. It is more than money, it is about feeling satisfied. And I hope, that as well as recording what I have done in the last few years, it will record my life as I get back on my feet. That isn’t for the purpose of anyone else, really. Someone may read this blog, and see that feelings and things all come in cycles. There are good times and bad times, and all people can do is to ride it out. And this site is proof to myself that I can get through it.
I am not where I want to be yet, but my journey is far from over, so this blog will continue. And I will try to be as honest as possible doing it.