Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Opinion Timing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have spent a lot of time on this blog recently discussing the matter of opinion. Of accepting it and whether it is always accepted. A big side of this is timing, if your opinion is voiced at a inappropriate time, it WILL get met with negativity.

This last fortnight has been the annual Wimbledon tennis championship in London. It has been a great tournament, filled with some great matches. This years event was made all the better because Andy Murray won the men’s title. It was fantastic. There hasn’t been a British singles winner in my lifetime, and it always seemed like it was something that was out of reach. So when it happened, so many people were ecstatic. And they shared their joy and congratulations for Murray across social networks.

Twitter was good, as with any popular event, if people don’t care about something they ignore it. Or if they say something it is insignificant in amongst all the happy comments. I did notice that on Facebook, there were multiple comments of ‘I’m sick of Murray’, ‘it was just tennis, which is boring’ and ‘people need to get a life if they think tennis is fun’. I am all for people sharing opinions, but they have had an entire 2 WEEKS to show their opinion about tennis, but they do it just as we have a British champion? Does it devalue their opinion because they decided to voice their thoughts right at the highest point of the competition?

Sometimes to get an opinion heard more, you maybe do have to voice it at the moment the subject gets the most attention. By doing this, you could get an emotional response, particular if it is the polar opposite to what the majority are feeling. People may question the authenticity of your opinion, considering you have never spoke about it until it became the most popular. Some may think that because you are not a’part’ of something, that you feel you need to go against the grain to be noticed.

It is a difficult one to call.
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I am a huge sport fan, and have watched days worth of tennis over the last 2 weeks, and am super thrilled that Andy Murray won. Having watched him for years, over the last 2 years, Murray’s game has changed so much. He is so powerful. So congratulations Andy, the first Scottish man to win singles at Wimbledon.

Lies That Exist About Unemployment

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I have been unemployed now for the longest period of my life. It is depressing and lonely, where no matter how much effort you make, you are still labelled a useless leach of society.  When I was employed, I was one of the masses who rendered the people who couldn’t find a job as ‘useless’ for not finding a job. I would curse them for having barbecues when I had to sit in a overheated call centre on a Saturday. I had decided that there were thousands of jobs available, people were just lazy for not finding one.

Since I have been unemployed, I have sent away over 200 applications for jobs ranging from cleaner to office administrator to retail assistant. I have had 4 interviews. One I was refused because of poor credit score. Second broke data protection when selling things to customers, it didn’t feel legit, and the company self-employed you, so, I gather, that they can just wash their hands of you when you get caught. Third and forth didn’t bother to contact me back after my interview, which is just darned rude. So, in a bid to lift the lid on unemployment, I’d thought I’d make a few points.

1. Job Centre is there to help. 

Whilst fortnightly appointments to the job centre is supposed to aide you in finding employment, it can sometimes have the opposite effect. Every attendee to the Job Centre gets appointed an advisor, who will overview their job search and give advice. Which is excellent. But, you see that personal advisor maybe once every 2 months. The rest of the time you just get ‘signed in’ by a random advisor. This person doesn’t care about what you do, and seems to judge you on everything that you say. Makes you feel like dirt, obviously because you are not registered to that particular advisor, but they should still do their job. It makes you feel worse than dirt, when the person supposed to help you, has the most unhelpful manner there could be.

2. Register with agencies.

This depends on what field you want employment in, but for office work and customer services, agencies are useless. I have registered with 8 agencies, I have got nowhere with anything. The process I am familiar with is that you give your CV to an agency, and they check to see if you have the correct skills for the vacancies that they are looking to fill, and if you do, they place you on their list of suitable applicants. So, I, on advice of the job centre, registered with these 8 agencies. Since doing this in  February, I have had 10 vacancies forwarded to me. 9 ignored me, and one told me that the vacancy was filled. So this, despite being viewed as a good way to gain employment, has been useless. And when I hear that this is supposed to be a great way to find temporary work and I get nothing, I feel a little useless.

3.Apply For Everything, You Will Get An Answer

One answer from all your applications, maybe.  I have lost count of the applications that I have sent away, and not even got a note of receipt as a response. It is like most of the applications that I send away just get sucked up by a black hole. You could be sending them to a wrong email address, the vacancy could be filled, there could be a problem with the application form, and you would never know. Whilst I know that it could be impossible to send every applicant a personal letter, an automated email with ‘if successful we’ll contact you within 14 days’ would be good. It costs nothing for someone to arrange, and lets the applicant know that their application has been received. But that is not standard practice, so be prepared for the majority of your applications to go no further.

4. Unemployed People Sit Around And Do Nothing.

I have worked since I was 16. This past 5 months has driven me crazy. It is the first time I have not been either in education or employment since I was tiny.  I need to go and do things. I can’t just sit and watch mind-numbing TV. I go and spend part of my day looking for work, I try to do something creative, like draw or write, and then I go outside for a walk. Trying to keep busy stops me from going stir-crazy, because I stress myself out enough because I can’t find anything. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink that much, but yet these things are classed as the main pastimes of the unemployed. I have been offered getting a flat and housing benefit. Having never claimed before, I didn’t want to take any more money than necessary, as I can and do live with my parents. I do feel like I am treading on their toes a bit, but I’d rather be uncomfortable than try to get as much handouts as I can. If I want out, I will find a job and rent a place myself. And that has become the mantra that keeps me moving.

It’s exhausting, the whole searching for work. To interview well, I have believed that you have to envision that you are the best person for the job, so that you can sell your qualities and things. The problem with that, is that you may think that you will definitely get the job, and when you don’t, it can bruise your ego. It has mine. I haven’t looked for a job for over 6 years, I was employed so I didn’t need to. In that 6 years, the job market has changed dramatically, and people will look for any reason to turn you down. And, it feels like you have to battle against a tidal wave, to try and get a job.  And my opinion has changed so much. So before workers berate the unemployed, consider the facts above, and try to put yourself in their shoes. The unemployed are people too, no matter how much you want to separate yourself from them.

Happy Blog Is Happy

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I have no idea how long it has been since I spent an evening with iTunes on shuffle and editing on Photoshop. Reminds me of my college days, rushing to get things finished till 2am, for a deadline the next morning. Thinking about it, that is possibly why things didn’t go as smoothly as intended.

I have been more motivated. Keeping myself motivated on  the job application front, which is hard considering you can be lucky to get 1 reply for every 20 applications sent off.  So, as you can gather, not a lot of positivity in that front. But trying to keep my head up, by throwing myself back into things that I haven’t done for so long. Like regular photographs, more blogging, making videos, drawing and re-familiarising myself with Photoshop again. It is unbelievable how much you forget, when you aren’t using it all the time. I mean, it took me over 15 minutes to remember how to find and use my custom brushes. Obviously, the fact that I am an idiot did not help that situation, at all.

I don’t know if it comes across, but I am the happiest I have been in so long. It is like I have found a part of myself that has been missing for so long, and it is great to have it back.  And I am making the best of it whilst it is here. I have been so depressed by everything around me for so long, that it has failed to inspire me to do anything. So, I have a list of things that I want to do, so I am working on that. First thing was a change of logo/header across all my internet doings, and also syncing a few things together. I am excited for the future, for the first time in years. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Speaking Your Mind

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I have always had the belief that everyone should be able to speak their mind. That every discussion needs a pro and con side. And that by doing so, people should take all sources in account when considering what opinion to have on something.

This, however, is not always the case. People could form an opinion because of one thing someone said. They read a particular newspaper, and believe their propaganda to be fact, rather than being paid by some lobby. This is the United Kingdom, people’s views aren’t that as radical or as ill-judged as some in other countries. Or are they?

Throughout history, people have craved conflict. In the worst case senario, war and fighting can break out. This is something that can bring the people of a country together as the strive to get some kind of comradery to try and keep people strong. In the UK, this last happened in World War 2, when our country was in direct attack. Towns and cities were being attacked by Nazi bombing, and communities had to band together, to stay strong and rebuild communities after the War. People were pushed into co-operating with one another.

We are currently experiencing one of the longest peacetimes on British soil, and the need to band together is not really a requirement to exist anymore. People still want something to fight for, so start supporting various causes. This, fantastically, should bring some things into discussion, and make changes. But, as time goes on, people can start to look negatively about their personal situation, and get frustrated that their views do not get represented fully. They may start to band together with those who have similar points of view to themselves, and get could get pushed towards causes that they maybe never considered before. But the need for unity, and being heard, begins to cause conflict with other causes. People look for the differences in one another, rather than seeing why we are so similar.

The more frustrated people get, the more they want to change people’s views so that they can make the changes that they want. The frustration grows, and conflict becomes more and more common. People protest, the fascist right wing groups start to gain momentum, as the government struggles to keep a calm. Situations may arise like the Scottish Independence Referendum, where frustrated people want to change something, to try and better the situation for them and others. But all facts may not be considered, as people get more passionate and less considerate. They say what they say, and f**k anyone who doesn’t agree.

In the battle to get a fair society for all, the perception of what is ‘fair’ changes from person to person. To some, protection of the Church and Christian ethics are an important part of the laws of the land. To others, religion shouldn’t be a part of any government, and things such as marriage should be available to all people, regardless of sexual orientation. These two opposing view points are something that should be discussed calmly.

But increasingly, what people are being dictated to, in what to think. If someone believe’s in God, and feels homosexuality is wrong, shouldn’t he be safe to say his opinion? I don’t believe religion is necessary in government, as I believe some of the ‘rules’ can be out of date, should I not say that for fear of retaliation? How about another example, we allow a Iraqi family to come to the UK and live, they do and their kids go through our school system and become productive members of society. That’s great, isn’t it? They then learn about UK soldiers bombing Iraqi civillians, do they not have a right to speak out against the country that accepts them as inhabitants, and at the same time kills their countrymen? Surely they do. But these people will get told to leave the UK, for not supporting our troups. They work and pay taxes as much as the rest of us, shouldn’t they be able to speak their mind as much as their neighbours?

And that is the problem with free speech and speaking your mind. It is never really free to some. The efforts to stiffle those who speak more unsavoury thoughts, is painting an untrue picture of public opinion. If you let pro-choice people demonstrate, let pro-life too. Free speech in any society should allow people to share the opinions, without fear of retribution.

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I know I have talked about this a lot reccently, but I am seeing it a lot in the media around me. And it is something that dwells on my mind a lot, because I feel I can say what I want, but that is because I have quite liberal leanings, but what about those who have more conservative views? I think increasingly those with conservative views are hushed into silence for being not so politically correct.

Falling on Deaf Ears

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Sometime’s I feel that what I type here, gets ignored. It is something that is said to me a lot, as if it demeans the meaning of the words that I write.

But it doesn’t.
I write this blog because I want to. Because it helps clear my head, and it is a place where I can say what I want to. The idea that someone might read what I write is nice, but it isn’t for anyone else. If someone sees it, and thinks ‘I can write better than that’, then great. They can start their own blog, and talk about what matters to them.

I started this blog to document my personal journey to becoming a graphic designer. My plan has kind of been uprouted, more than once. And right now I am unemployed, trying to get work, and trying to get a passion for life again. It is more than money, it is about feeling satisfied. And I hope, that as well as recording what I have done in the last few years, it will record my life as I get back on my feet. That isn’t for the purpose of anyone else, really. Someone may read this blog, and see that feelings and things all come in cycles. There are good times and bad times, and all people can do is to ride it out. And this site is proof to myself that I can get through it.
I am not where I want to be yet, but my journey is far from over, so this blog will continue. And I will try to be as honest as possible doing it.

Its All A Reaction

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Everything effects everything else.

People don’t want to admit it, or they fail to acknowlege it. I have no idea why, but when you are at a loss at life in general, this can have a calming effect. That, what you are experiencing is simply a reaction from something else.

The world looks washed out and dark, when there are grey overcast skys. When a person cries, they may feel a sense of clarity that only comes from being highly emotional. They are all reactions. I have started to think of my periods of sadness, as just reactions. Something that happens. It doesn’t happen because I am stupid or faulty. It happens because I am human, and we have the ability to get crazy emotions over anything.

I have depression that I carry with me every day. But, I don’t want it analysed and for me to demeaned over it. I want it to be shrugged off as a way that I react, and I want to be treated normal. So my brain reacts to things different that some people, doesn’t change anything. And thinking like that helps me deal.

Triggered

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently, popular British entertainer, Stephen Fry mentioned during a podcast that he had tried to kill himself last year. The actor, writer and comedian suffers from bi-polar, and is president of mental health charity, Mind.

This is a brave thing for anyone to admit, and is proof that mental health issues aren’t restricted to any particular type of person. A big problem with mental illness is that it is not something that can be cured, or will simply go away. It is something that sufferers have to live with and adapt to. People who have never suffered from mental illness, will comment that a suicide attempt is ‘selfish’ or want to know the reasons behind it. All that this shows is a mis-understanding of mental health problems.

The admission of having problems, by Mr Fry, is something courageous and helpful to so many people. Sometimes, it is hard to picture yourself as a success, if you suffer from any mental illness, because it can be hard to predict how you are going to feel and act on any given day. So the idea that someone very successful in their chosen field whilst having a mental illness is very comforting.

What isn’t comforting is the negative commentary. People who have never suffered saying it is irresponsible to talk about suicide. But speaking about suicide is not a trigger to a lot of people. Speaking negatively and frowning upon it can be. As a person who has both self-harm and considered suicide, if I hear people telling that what I am feeling is wrong, I punish myself more. I don’t know why I feel what I feel, and I can’t explain it. So to have someone marking me down because they feel negatively towards me because I once tried to overdose (I passed out for a few hours). The feeling that I felt after waking up, will stay with me forever.

I think that anything that can bring mental health into a forum for discussion is great. I do think that people need to think about commenting negatively about such a topic, though. I know that if I read someone bad mouthing depression, it can trigger my own feelings. I believe the negative comments, that I have a lot in my life, why should I feel bad? In honesty what a person owns, has nothing to do with it. But I go through the tiring process of hating myself, because my depression and anxiety seems so falsified, because others have it so much worse than me. When I get in that frame of mind, I could cry, I could scratch myself raw or cut myself. Because it punishes me for being so privileged and having the stupidity to be depressed. I deserve to be punished for ‘choosing’ to be a burden.

In all honesty, if I had a way to choose the way I was, I assure you that I wouldn’t feel this. And that is what non-sufferers need to understand. It is not a choice, it is not based on anything in life, people suffer mental health issues, because it is an illness. There may be a chemical imbalance in their brain, or something scarred them as a kid, it could even be passed down from relatives. It could be anything, and can happen to anyone. As a person who sees negative commentary as triggers, I find those who demean Mr Fry’s admission as thoughtless cowards.

I know it is the internet, but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t hold a certain level of respect for one another.

Where Does Free Speech End?

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I am lucky.

If you are reading this, chances are, you are lucky too.

We are lucky because we live in a society where we have freedom of speech. We can speak our minds, for no fear of the consequences. Well, that is what we believe ‘free speech’ to be. But is it really? If it is okay to freely state what you believe, is it okay for you to believe that a person is an arsehole for being religious? Is it okay to think all feminists are just needing a good ‘shag’? That gay people, just need a ‘cure’? I will openly admit that these examples are extremes, but they are what some people feel they have the right to say and do. If we truely believe in ‘free speech’ surely the bad things should be just allowable as the good.

I personally believe that if your opinion does not dictate to or demean other individuals, then it is fine. The idea of freedom, is that it should be for the benifit of everyone around you, not just yourself. So true freedom of speech, in that case, wouldn’t be saying every little thing that came to your head. But one that encourages discussion and urges the better of society. The sharing of negative opinion, can do nothing but bring other people down, and in extreme cases, it can cause a lot of terrible issues.

But, the idea is also there that we should have the tolerance to let people say what they want. If you want to say and do what you wish, and let others do the same. Which is easy to understand and apply to our lives, but if it is then why do some people not apply those things. And if it effects the well-being of another person, should it really be allowed? Particularly if it makes the situation worse.

I don’t really know. This was just some pondering, but what do you think? Is freedom of speech something that can be fully achieved? I just don’t know.

The Internet is Public

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I am writing this entry from my local library because my home internet is dead, and my phone is not allowing me to post updates. Instead of complaining, I am going to try and say what a different things, like free internet, does for communities.

When I was at school internet was slow and expensive, hence I never had it. The local council started to invest in computers, to provide people with the internet, who couldn’t afford it. They did this by equipting most local libraries with PCs. It gave so many people the access to a whole world that they couldn’t see before. They could send emails, apply for jobs, shop online and learn about so many things.

Since I first used these library computers 15 years ago, my home got broadband, and a laptop that works (kinda). The local library, which once housed 2 computers, now has 12. The library runs classes to help people get to grip with computers and the internet. Allow pensioners send emails to relatives who live on the other side of the world. And, people who struggle with unemployment, get help on how to apply for jobs or type up a CV. It’s made computers so much accessible. You no longer need to spend a fortune on a PC and a home broadband connection.

I remember when I was at school, there was a few internet cafes that opened. Where you would paid £5 for an hour of computer access. Obviously, times have changed, the government helped. You can now rent public computers for an hour a time, and all you need is a library card. I think this is awesome, but I don’t know how widespread this is. My local council is Fife Council, and they have made it a priority to make computers and the internet accessible to all local residents, for free.

It’s times like this, where I take stock, and am thankful for where I live. And it isn’t just because my own technology is so tempermental.

Falling

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Here I am
Standing alone
Degrading thoughts pounding my mind
Feeling like the worst person, for doing nothing
Looking for someone to lean on, and finding myself falling to the cold ground
No one to pick me up
No strength to do it myself
Focusing on past failures
Unable to see a future
Feeling worthless and utterly alone

I cry
My eyes become raw
My head starts to ache
My heart is broken,
There is no way out
This cloud won’t clear

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Journal entry from 2008, when I was at college, when depression started to hit me hard. I was struggling for something to post today, which lead to me reading through some old journals. When I was low, I always turned to either writing or drawing to help me let out my feelings. The best thing about being able to express things in such a way, that I have the opportunity to look back at everything that I felt, however melodramatic it may seem.

Depression is hard. But it can sometimes make me feel better to see that I can get better when things get bad, that I can actually see that things can get better. It’s about finding ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.