Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Never Enough

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I work best when working through a list. Doesn’t matter what the activity is, I have to structure it out, so that I can get everything done. I panic when I get overwhelmed, so placing things in some sort of methodical order seems to help me not panic.

But, it isn’t just panicking that I do. If I don’t have a list and order to focus on things, I don’t focus very hard at all. I will maybe start something, but my mind will wander, and I will end up doing something else, without finishing my initial task. Which would be okay, if there was only two or three tasks to do, but give me a day of non-focus and I could ‘half do’ around 10-15 different things. And, then I get frustrated. With myself. With the work. With everything. And then nothing further happens.

Sometimes, despite writing lists, I get bored and do something else. If it is something which uses active thought, like blogging, I’m fine. When it is something like doing housework, I just mentally clock out and end up doing something else. I guess I have to just find a way to become more involved in every task that I set out to do. Try not to become distracted.  I feel, that sometimes it is like I need to have someone watching over me, to push me seeing things through to completion.

I guess I sound like a teenager, who thinks that they have better things to do. But it can honestly be very hard to get things done properly. But, one thing has changed from school-age me. I no longer give up on things, if I have had a bad and unproductive day. I just take a deep breath and carry on at the next opportunity, be it the next hour, day or whatever. I take a moment to take in what I haven’t done, but no longer berate myself on my failures. I might have a whine, but I will put my head down and try to work hard round everything.

I guess the important part is never giving up on anything. You only truly fail when you give up.

Time To Relax (DD #1)

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Decided to try a new thing today, inspired by viewing art on both Tumblr and Instagram. I have bought a new sketchbook, and am going to try and draw a new thing every day, and I thought it would be handy to post it here. Particularly because this is supposed to be a creative blog, so maybe it would be a good idea.

So here is my first sketch:

First Daily Draw image
First Daily Draw image

Because I have been so relaxed the last few days, I felt it would be relevant to doodle something about that. So it is supposed to be a couch, which is what I relax on every day when I finish my work, or I just want to watch some TV with the family. A couch is comfortable and always makes me think of relaxation when I see one.

Everyone needs to have times where they can relax a little, and most people need reminding to do that sometimes. And that is why we have couches in our homes. It means you can just sit in comfort, and forget your stresses, whatever they may be. If I want to chill with my family, I sit on the couch downstairs, and if I want some alone time, I sit on my bed, which ends up as the same purpose as a couch. I think it can sometimes be a little hard to realise that relaxation isn’t something that a person should just schedule into their lives. It should always have a place in daily life, that is there as a full-stop to a busy day.

I hope that everyone has a little time to put their feet up, and enjoy some comfortable peace.

Howdy Doodie

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I am getting really bad at this update thing. Wish I had a lot more motivation. November is NaNoWriMo, and for the first time in 4 years, I am not even attempting it. The idea is that a person writes a full length novel in the space of a month. As enjoyable as I find the process, I have no motivation what-so-ever. If there is one thing that I hate, it is the thought that I could fail, which would be a certainty.

In my personal life, I am still working away in my temporary job. Money for Christmas, and for things that I have needed for months. It is a relief, that even though I do not have an abundance of money, that I can buy some of what I want. I can pay my way. Which is something that I struggled to do without a job.

I don’t think that I ever appreciated how difficult it is for someone to find employment once they lose a job. I was in constant employment for almost 13 years of my life, and yet I was unemployed for 6 months trying to find a job. I’d hate to see how bad it would have been, if I had never worked. But that is what some people face. With the unhelpful Job Centre staff, it is very easy to lose any hope of finding employment. And I imagine that feeling would get worse and worse, the longer that you were unemployed.

Long story short, I am happy where I am. Yes, it maybe isn’t idea to be working in a warehouse, but for the moment it pays my bills, and everyone there are so nice. I have been cross-trained in another department after under 2 months, which feels great. I feel like I can so something, and that I am useful. Once I force myself out of bed, I am in a great mood going to work. Which is a complete 180 on the sleepless nights I faced at my old job.

But working has me in a good mood. And considering what has happened over the last year, it is great to have my sense of purpose back.

Time Filled With Joy

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Life, is hard. A lot harder than what they told us in school. Which is a strange concept, when every teenager assumes High School is the hardest thing that they will ever experience. The forced human contact with people you don’t like, doing classes you don’t want to and being stopped from visiting the toilet outwith break times. As a student, I always felt victimised when I was at school, and I know I wasn’t alone.

But now, in adulthood, I have gone through many jobs, and realised that my feelings from school were mis-judged. School’s purpose is to teach you what you could use in adulthood. Yes, the subjects may not all relate to adult life, but the structure of High School does. In every job you are going to have to get on with people you don’t like, do jobs you don’t want to do, and work to a strict schedule. That is a part of life, and one of the most important lessons, is to do all this and still be happy.

To keep myself in a positive state of mind, I try to do little things that make me happy, particularly on days where I think I’m going to be stressed. I read a book, play Xbox, write a blog, watch a movie or just have a bath. I try to fill my downtime with things that make me happy. This coping mechanism seems to make everyday life a bit easier to deal with. Which is what life is about, in my point of view. Finding ways to deal with the hard stuff the world can throw at you. Something that helps make working a job you hate, worth it.

So, on this Tuesday evening, I hope that you remember what makes you happy, and go do it. Do it because it makes you smile. Do it because it is fun. Do it because it makes you end a bad day on a high. And do this every day. Maybe different thing on a different day, and don’t let the negativity of your professional situation spoil your life. You deserve to be happy.

Always Learning

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I heard recently, that once you reach your 20s, it becomes harder to learn things. I feel a bit weird about that, as I have learnt more as an adult than I did at school.

I find that as I get older, I do have more patience and motivation to discover more things. I like seeing new things, and finding out things I haven’t previously known about. I think when I was in education, I became apathetic about education, because I didn’t liked the environment of ‘forced learning’. It was okay, if the topic was something that I had interest in, but when it wasn’t, I found it so hard.

When I have got older, I have started learning off my own back. And because I am learning at my own speed, I find it so much easier to stay motivated and pick up things. I think, that it is important that people keep an open mind to carry on learning. That could be the problem with a lot of ignorance, people feel that because they are adults they have nothing else to learn. They have closed off their minds, which stops them from picking up on anything new. Which, I feel, can leave a person at a disadvantage to those with a more open mind.

Saying that, sometimes learning something new can be frustrating. I recently got a new laptop, which has Windows 8 installed. Now, the last version of Windows that I had, was XP, and it did what I wanted. But my computer died, so I got a new one. Windows 8 is a headache. I am trying to find my way round it, but I keep on finding that it seems to halt me in whatever I am doing. I think Windows 8 is about touch screen technology, which is great, unless you don’t have a touch screen device. Which I don’t. So I am trying to get my head round this new operating system, and until I do, I am stumbling through every activity I try to do on it. So frustrating. But, I just have to take a deep breath, I will get it eventually.

And that’s what I have learnt through being an adult. Patience and perseverance. I am not afraid to give something the time to get to know it properly.

Procastinating

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Do you ever have that moment of realisation, when you come out of what ever cocoon you have been surviving in, and discover that the world has still continued on?

Sounds silly, let me explain.

I have been so stressed out about starting work, and the last and a bit has been me working as hard as I can. I want to be useful and be the best me, that I can. As such, I have been living in this little bubble. I have met up with some friends and things, but I find that I have been mostly spending downtime cuddled up at home. Which is sometimes all a person needs after a hard days work, so I don’t feel bad about that. 

The bad bit is when I pop my head outwith my wee ‘bubble’ and it seems that a lot of other things has been going on. Be it good things, bad things, or just things people have to live through. The fact that these ‘things’ have happened, and I have been completely oblivious, does frustrate me. I do think that this may be because I like knowing what is happening around me, always have done. And, when I don’t know, I can feel a little confused, which I guess is perfect to describing how I feel now.  

I am confused because I feel like I am out of step with the world around me, and I don’t think there is a reason for me to feel like that. It happens every now and then, that time passes by a person so quickly that they reach for a break pedal. But, knowing that I shouldn’t worry about it, doesn’t stop me from worrying that I’ll miss something important

Battling With Mental Blocks

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If you take part in any creative activity at one time or another, it is likely you have suffered from a mental block. A period of time where you can’t physically create what you enjoy, and have a want to do. Usually, for me, I start something and will never get into ‘the swing’ or feel what I am writing or drawing, and I stop. The idea is always in my head, I just can’t transmit it anywhere. And, since drawing and writing is a major stress relief to myself, not being able to do so, can really get me down.

I read something once which claimed ‘people get stuck creatively, because of the pressure they put on themselves’. At first, reading this as a teenager, I did the ‘stereotypical teen’ thing, and scoffed at the very idea of myself being part of a problem with my own creativity. But, all these years later, I believe it to be true. I go through phases where I write so many things in one period of time, and then, almost as sudden as switching off a light, I have nothing. No interesting thought or idea comes up. And I feel lost. I feel like I have lost an arm, because I have used both art and writing as a way to de-stress for so long, I don’t know what to do, when I can’t.

I think, I do stress myself out about trying to get into schedules, and wanting what I create to be of a certain standard (probably can’t tell that, right). I stress about the actual creating something, that I over-think it to the point that I can’t create anything. Because nothing will beat the high expectations that I have for myself. But people amble across this blog and don’t see my stresses. They see a rambling mess which is updated on a semi-regular basis.

But, that isn’t the point. The perception of other people, whilst sometimes nice, isn’t why I made this blog. It is about me describing how I feel, and try to keep me creative. Which, recently, has had the opposite effect to what I wanted. I look at periods where I was at college, and I blogged every other day. I pine for that time, where I felt I was being creative, and so try to force myself into a schedule. I can’t stick to that schedule, so I freak out more, and I post nothing.

So, what I think is needed, is for me to step back. Stop making such an importance on how regularly I post. I want to blog because I enjoy it, and putting pressure on myself, takes away that joy. And, I think that is something that adds to the frequency of ‘mental blocks’ that I get. So, hopefully by chilling out, I’ll find things easier again.

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note: I am aware that this is more of me complaining why I can’t make things anymore. But, I feel that part of this blog is to brainstorm what goes wrong, as well as just rambling. I am trying to change the way I do things, so that I do want to pick up my sketch pad after a day of work. Creativity needs to be nurtured, not forced. And, I need to remember that.

TechNOlogy Problems

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I used to always update this blog from my laptop. This was based on the thought that if I wanted to type something fairly substantial, I liked doing it on a physical keyboard, not a touch screen. Over the last few months, my laptop has become useless. It takes about 30 minutes to load up properly, and even then it goes so slow. I have removed all of the non-essential software, done too many security scans, but nothing helped it get better. I can only assume that after 5 years, the memory is fried, and the laptop has had enough.

Back to my original point, because my laptop is dying a slow painful death, I have to update this on my ipad. Now, I love my ipad for lots of things, but writing things, other than short emails and texts, is not one of them. I just seem to continuously press the wrong letters, and it gets on my nerves. This is why I have started a lot of blog entries recently, but they have been non-starters as my short temper has got the best of me. And because I have registered coming into the wordpress app and writing something, my brains seems to accept that is me updating this here blog. It obviously isn’t, and the blog gets a bit neglected. Oops.

Some excuse that, eh?

The good news is, that I should be getting a new laptop next week, and that means I will be able to do more again. Because it isn’t just my writing that has halted because of technical issues, I can’t run photoshop either. I have been uploading less pictures, and have completely fallen out of everything because my laptop refuses to run very much. So here is hoping that a multitude of my ‘productive’ problems can be resolved with my new laptop.

Can’t help thinking I’m pinning to much hope on a piece of technology, though.

Hating for hatred’s sake.

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It doesn’t take any effort, nor time, to hear about hatred. It isn’t necessarily about there being more hate, just that it is publicised more. It is in the newspapers, on the TV screens and strewn across social networks. It is reported, as well as boasted about by some.

I believe that hate is an adequate emotion to feel, despite how strong it appears to be. But because it is such a strong emotion, it evokes a strong reaction from other people. If someone can’t relate to the hatred that the see before them, then they react in an equally angry way, which can add fuel to a situation.

Anger and hatred, seems to incite anger and hatred. If you express what you feel in such a manner, it could come across as aggressive. That may not be intentional, it’s just that the emotions connected it are so strong, that they could be deceived as being aggressive.

So when we see more highly emotive attacks or intolerances being commited or reported in our vision, we can get angry. Intolerance is something that I dislike, so when I see people hating for no reason than their own lack of understanding, I get angry. I think that people need to take a step outside of their personal ‘bubbles’, and be aware that other people exist. Because, I don’t think some people seem to realise it. It is what they do and think, and that it is it. No-one else’s feelings or thoughts even come into the equation.

People need to become a lot more considerate. Before anyone says or does something to another person, they should think about how they would feel in the other person’s shoes. Not enough people do that.

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Uch, this has been one of those blog posts where I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. So sometimes, it is a good idea just to type my thoughts and see what comes out. So, if something makes sense it is awesome. 🙂

Expelling Energy

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I have been awful restless over the last 6 and a half months. I have been out of work, and in a bit of a bad way, mentally. It has been a struggle doing anything, which is why I believe that this blog has dried up, and it has been so hard to get it rebooted again. To be honest, when you are not having to go to work or education, I think you can have the tendency to feel lethargic. Because if you chose to, you can sit alone, you don’t have to spend most of your days working or studying. So, your brain switches off. There is no focus for your thoughts, so you can just think about yourself and feel negative, because it may feel you are not going ‘anywhere’. 

What has lead to this pondering, is the fact that I started a new job today. And having a focus to kick-start my energy has ended up with me wanting to fill my day with more. Whereas before, I was meeting a friend during the day, and it was great. That was all I did. I didn’t have any energy to write about anything, because I had no motivation to observe what was around me, because it all just seemed pretty damned depressing. Now, I feel like I have achieved something today. That is something that is debatable, especially due to the fact that today was 99% induction, and I actually did very little. But it feels like I am a part of society again, like I am a functioning person again and I have a purpose. 

It maybe sounds a little over-kill, but it truly feels that revolutionary to me. It feels like a big thing in my life. With the 5am wake-up call forcing me into the world earlier than I would normally like, I feel like I have tapped into this unused source of energy, which has just propelled me through the rest of my day. I came home with a buzz, and that I wanted to write. I wanted to create something. I wanted to read a chapter of my book. I wanted to draw a few things. I have not felt this way in so long, it really is great. 

My last job was wearing me down. I had taken quite a dislike to it, and that was making me depressed. I was clashing with people, and because it was taking all my energy just to turn up, the job was not being done right. I was exhausted both physically and mentally after there for only an hour. At the time, I didn’t realise this, and I pushed and pushed myself, despite not succeeding at the most basic of tasks. Maybe it was just a change that was needed? Maybe I needed to do something different? And it is only now, when I have started at a new workplace, is it I realise how much energy I have when I am happy about working. I wake up in a good mood, I go to work in a good mood, I come home in a creative mood. 

Now, obviously, I can’t see into the future, and as such, I don’t know how long this job will make me feel like this. But, I feel like I have learnt a valuable lesson. I really am a threat to myself, when I let a job get at me, to the point I am crying every day. At the end of the day, as great as money is, nothing should ever make a person feel like they are unworthy. If something is making you feel so bad, that you are struggling to function, get it out of your life. Something negative can suck out all your energy, and believe me when I say that it is a horrible thing where the only thing that survives lack of energy, is self-doubt. 

So be who you want to be. Fill your time with as much happiness as you can and enjoy the energy you get as a result.