Procastinating

October 13, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever have that moment of realisation, when you come out of what ever cocoon you have been surviving in, and discover that the world has still continued on?

Sounds silly, let me explain.

I have been so stressed out about starting work, and the last and a bit has been me working as hard as I can. I want to be useful and be the best me, that I can. As such, I have been living in this little bubble. I have met up with some friends and things, but I find that I have been mostly spending downtime cuddled up at home. Which is sometimes all a person needs after a hard days work, so I don’t feel bad about that.

The bad bit is when I pop my head outwith my wee ‘bubble’ and it seems that a lot of other things has been going on. Be it good things, bad things, or just things people have to live through. The fact that these ‘things’ have happened, and I have been completely oblivious, does frustrate me. I do think that this may be because I like knowing what is happening around me, always have done. And, when I don’t know, I can feel a little confused, which I guess is perfect to describing how I feel now.

I am confused because I feel like I am out of step with the world around me, and I don’t think there is a reason for me to feel like that. It happens every now and then, that time passes by a person so quickly that they reach for a break pedal. But, knowing that I shouldn’t worry about it, doesn’t stop me from worrying that I’ll miss something important

Battling With Mental Blocks

October 1, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

If you take part in any creative activity at one time or another, it is likely you have suffered from a mental block. A period of time where you can’t physically create what you enjoy, and have a want to do. Usually, for me, I start something and will never get into ‘the swing’ or feel what I am writing or drawing, and I stop. The idea is always in my head, I just can’t transmit it anywhere. And, since drawing and writing is a major stress relief to myself, not being able to do so, can really get me down.

I read something once which claimed ‘people get stuck creatively, because of the pressure they put on themselves’. At first, reading this as a teenager, I did the ‘stereotypical teen’ thing, and scoffed at the very idea of myself being part of a problem with my own creativity. But, all these years later, I believe it to be true. I go through phases where I write so many things in one period of time, and then, almost as sudden as switching off a light, I have nothing. No interesting thought or idea comes up. And I feel lost. I feel like I have lost an arm, because I have used both art and writing as a way to de-stress for so long, I don’t know what to do, when I can’t.

I think, I do stress myself out about trying to get into schedules, and wanting what I create to be of a certain standard (probably can’t tell that, right). I stress about the actual creating something, that I over-think it to the point that I can’t create anything. Because nothing will beat the high expectations that I have for myself. But people amble across this blog and don’t see my stresses. They see a rambling mess which is updated on a semi-regular basis.

But, that isn’t the point. The perception of other people, whilst sometimes nice, isn’t why I made this blog. It is about me describing how I feel, and try to keep me creative. Which, recently, has had the opposite effect to what I wanted. I look at periods where I was at college, and I blogged every other day. I pine for that time, where I felt I was being creative, and so try to force myself into a schedule. I can’t stick to that schedule, so I freak out more, and I post nothing.

So, what I think is needed, is for me to step back. Stop making such an importance on how regularly I post. I want to blog because I enjoy it, and putting pressure on myself, takes away that joy. And, I think that is something that adds to the frequency of ‘mental blocks’ that I get. So, hopefully by chilling out, I’ll find things easier again.

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note: I am aware that this is more of me complaining why I can’t make things anymore. But, I feel that part of this blog is to brainstorm what goes wrong, as well as just rambling. I am trying to change the way I do things, so that I do want to pick up my sketch pad after a day of work. Creativity needs to be nurtured, not forced. And, I need to remember that.

TechNOlogy Problems

September 25, 2013September 25, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I used to always update this blog from my laptop. This was based on the thought that if I wanted to type something fairly substantial, I liked doing it on a physical keyboard, not a touch screen. Over the last few months, my laptop has become useless. It takes about 30 minutes to load up properly, and even then it goes so slow. I have removed all of the non-essential software, done too many security scans, but nothing helped it get better. I can only assume that after 5 years, the memory is fried, and the laptop has had enough.

Back to my original point, because my laptop is dying a slow painful death, I have to update this on my ipad. Now, I love my ipad for lots of things, but writing things, other than short emails and texts, is not one of them. I just seem to continuously press the wrong letters, and it gets on my nerves. This is why I have started a lot of blog entries recently, but they have been non-starters as my short temper has got the best of me. And because I have registered coming into the wordpress app and writing something, my brains seems to accept that is me updating this here blog. It obviously isn’t, and the blog gets a bit neglected. Oops.

Some excuse that, eh?

The good news is, that I should be getting a new laptop next week, and that means I will be able to do more again. Because it isn’t just my writing that has halted because of technical issues, I can’t run photoshop either. I have been uploading less pictures, and have completely fallen out of everything because my laptop refuses to run very much. So here is hoping that a multitude of my ‘productive’ problems can be resolved with my new laptop.

Can’t help thinking I’m pinning to much hope on a piece of technology, though.

Hating for hatred’s sake.

September 11, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It doesn’t take any effort, nor time, to hear about hatred. It isn’t necessarily about there being more hate, just that it is publicised more. It is in the newspapers, on the TV screens and strewn across social networks. It is reported, as well as boasted about by some.

I believe that hate is an adequate emotion to feel, despite how strong it appears to be. But because it is such a strong emotion, it evokes a strong reaction from other people. If someone can’t relate to the hatred that the see before them, then they react in an equally angry way, which can add fuel to a situation.

Anger and hatred, seems to incite anger and hatred. If you express what you feel in such a manner, it could come across as aggressive. That may not be intentional, it’s just that the emotions connected it are so strong, that they could be deceived as being aggressive.

So when we see more highly emotive attacks or intolerances being commited or reported in our vision, we can get angry. Intolerance is something that I dislike, so when I see people hating for no reason than their own lack of understanding, I get angry. I think that people need to take a step outside of their personal ‘bubbles’, and be aware that other people exist. Because, I don’t think some people seem to realise it. It is what they do and think, and that it is it. No-one else’s feelings or thoughts even come into the equation.

People need to become a lot more considerate. Before anyone says or does something to another person, they should think about how they would feel in the other person’s shoes. Not enough people do that.

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Uch, this has been one of those blog posts where I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. So sometimes, it is a good idea just to type my thoughts and see what comes out. So, if something makes sense it is awesome. 🙂

Expelling Energy

September 2, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been awful restless over the last 6 and a half months. I have been out of work, and in a bit of a bad way, mentally. It has been a struggle doing anything, which is why I believe that this blog has dried up, and it has been so hard to get it rebooted again. To be honest, when you are not having to go to work or education, I think you can have the tendency to feel lethargic. Because if you chose to, you can sit alone, you don’t have to spend most of your days working or studying. So, your brain switches off. There is no focus for your thoughts, so you can just think about yourself and feel negative, because it may feel you are not going ‘anywhere’.

What has lead to this pondering, is the fact that I started a new job today. And having a focus to kick-start my energy has ended up with me wanting to fill my day with more. Whereas before, I was meeting a friend during the day, and it was great. That was all I did. I didn’t have any energy to write about anything, because I had no motivation to observe what was around me, because it all just seemed pretty damned depressing. Now, I feel like I have achieved something today. That is something that is debatable, especially due to the fact that today was 99% induction, and I actually did very little. But it feels like I am a part of society again, like I am a functioning person again and I have a purpose.

It maybe sounds a little over-kill, but it truly feels that revolutionary to me. It feels like a big thing in my life. With the 5am wake-up call forcing me into the world earlier than I would normally like, I feel like I have tapped into this unused source of energy, which has just propelled me through the rest of my day. I came home with a buzz, and that I wanted to write. I wanted to create something. I wanted to read a chapter of my book. I wanted to draw a few things. I have not felt this way in so long, it really is great.

My last job was wearing me down. I had taken quite a dislike to it, and that was making me depressed. I was clashing with people, and because it was taking all my energy just to turn up, the job was not being done right. I was exhausted both physically and mentally after there for only an hour. At the time, I didn’t realise this, and I pushed and pushed myself, despite not succeeding at the most basic of tasks. Maybe it was just a change that was needed? Maybe I needed to do something different? And it is only now, when I have started at a new workplace, is it I realise how much energy I have when I am happy about working. I wake up in a good mood, I go to work in a good mood, I come home in a creative mood.

Now, obviously, I can’t see into the future, and as such, I don’t know how long this job will make me feel like this. But, I feel like I have learnt a valuable lesson. I really am a threat to myself, when I let a job get at me, to the point I am crying every day. At the end of the day, as great as money is, nothing should ever make a person feel like they are unworthy. If something is making you feel so bad, that you are struggling to function, get it out of your life. Something negative can suck out all your energy, and believe me when I say that it is a horrible thing where the only thing that survives lack of energy, is self-doubt.

So be who you want to be. Fill your time with as much happiness as you can and enjoy the energy you get as a result.

Life Is A Plotline

August 26, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been reading a lot of non-fiction books lately, where people publish their thoughts, feelings and general anecdotes about their life. You find out about the inner workings of their brains and really get to know someone. It is something that is really magical about books and reading. You can get a sense of complete understanding for someone you have never even met.

But how can a person experience enough to write books on their life? A normal average life is not something to write home about. Life is mundane and uneventful 99% of the time. Or mine is anyway.

But then, it is maybe not what you experience, just how you experience it. Some people believe that those who look through the world as if they were a child, tend to lead happier lives. It isn’t the physical aspects of life that makes these people happy, it is the idea that everything is an adventure, no matter how medial the task may seem. As we get older, it seems that we get more apathetic about the world we live in. It as if we have seen that failure is a part of life, so we prepare for any future failure by looking at the world negatively. But, if we push the apathy aside, appreciate things on face value. A sunny day, pretty flowers, tall buildings, anything. Maybe thinking of every day as an adventure, creates more stories to tell. Makes life seem more exciting.

Another aspect of ‘how you experience life’, may come down to a person’s thought processes. Some people speak their minds about particular topics, a bit like Karl Pilkington. Karl is a man who is honesty seems to be the voice that other people ignore. He has an overly pessimistic, realist attitude about seemingly everything. Karl speaks and writes about his honest opinions, which resonates with people as well as keeping attention with subject matter that could be considered as mundane.

So I guess, the best thing to do is be honest, although I doubt I would ever be able to write a book on my life. But, it is an interesting thing to think about. Could you write some kind of autobiographical book?

What I’m Listening To- August

August 18, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Because I enjoyed it last time, I have made another list of the music that I have been listening to in August. Just a little bit of everything, and I get to do my favourite thing, make a list. A list about music, my favourite thing.

1) Adamski- Killer

2)Agnostic Front- Liberty

3)Alex Day- Lady Godiva

4)Alexisonfire- Mailbox Arson

5)All Time Low- Alejandro (BBC 1 live lounge)

6)Annotation of an Autopsy- Sludge City

7)Anti-Flag- Die For Your Government

8)Atomic Kitten- I Want Your Live

9)Avril Lavigne- Losing Grip

10)B*Witched- Jesse Hold On

11)Bad Brains- Re-Ignition

12)The Beat-Tears of a Clown

13)Beatnic Prestige- Charlie Brown

14)Big D And The Kids Table- Not Fucking Around

15)The Blackout- This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

16)Bon Jovi- Wanted Dead Or Alive

17)Care Bears On Fire- Get Over It

18)The Casualties- System Failed Us…Again

19)Circle Jerks- Back Against The Wall

20)The Creepshow- Run For Your Life

21)The Distillers- The World Comes Tumblin’

22)Emilie Autumn- All My Loving

23)Eminem- When I’m Gone

24)Florence & The Machine- Dog Days Are Over

25)Frightened Rabbit- Go Go Girls

26)GBH- The Prayer Of A Realist

27)A Global Threat- Stop The Violence

28)Good Charlotte- The World Is Black

29)Green Day- Jesus Of Suburbia

30)Gwen Stefani- Harajuku Girls

31)H20- Everready

32)Hanson- Thinking ‘Bout Somethin’

33)Hollywood Holt- Fall Back

34)Horrorpops- Walk Like A Zombie

35)Jack Off Jill- My Cat

36)Jamie Cullum- Everlasting Love

37)Kilswitch Engage- As Daylight Ends

38)Kisses For Kings- My Mother Said

39)Kittie- Spit

40)Korn- Freak On A Leish

41)Lady Sovereign- I Got You Dancing

42)Lamb of God- Blood Junkie

43)Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards- Mainlining Murder

44)Linkin Park- Enth E Nd (Kutmasta Kurt ft. Motion Man)

45)The Maine- If I Only Had The Heart

46) Marina & The Diamonds- Hollywood

47)Middle Finger Salute- Guts For Glory

48)Mis-Teeq- All I Want

49)The Moldy Peaches- Anyone Else But You

50)Municipal Waste- Anyone Else But You

51)Nofx- Kill All The White Men

52)Outl4w- Sonic Youth

53)P!nk- Most Girls

54)Papa Roach- Last Resort

55)Paramore- Crushcrushcrush

56)Patti Smith- Redondo Beach

57)The Pretty Reckless- Make Me Wanna Die

58)The Rabble- The New Generation

59)Rancid- Life Won’t Wait

60)The Restarts- Gang Mentality

61)S Club 7- Everybody Wants Ya

62)Selena Gomez & The Scene- Love You Like A Love Song

63)Shakespeare’s Sister- Stay

64)Sham 69- If The Kids Are United

65)Sonic Boom Six- Totally Addicted To Bass

66)Spice Girls- Spice Up Your Life

67)SS-Kaliert- Until We Strike Back

68)Stereophonics- I Wouldn’t Believe Your Radio

69)Street Dogs- Hang ‘Em High

70)Sugababes- About You Know

71)Time Again- Street Walker

72)Total Chaos- Vacation To Violation

73)UK Subs- Keep On Running

74)The Unseen- Social Security

August 12, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I used to always think that if you were a good person towards those around you, that people would be good to you. When I was at school, and people used to call me names, I believed it because I wasn’t being a good enough person. As bad as it seems, looking back on it, I felt such a way because it made me feel in control of things. As if the things other’s thought or said about me, would be fixed by me acting in a certain way.

As I became older, I obviously realised that my thinking was utter bullshit. But, feeling responsible for what happened in my life was a normal reaction. As people, I think we want to feel responsible for all that surrounds us, as if that responsibility gives us a valuable position in this world. And, I don’t know about any readers, but having a sense of responsibility helps me feel validated. Which I think is just part of human nature.

I think one of the worst things about realising that not everything that happens to you is within your control, is that your are hit with a feeling of hopelessness. That no matter, what you do and how you act, there will always be bad things that will happen to you and those around you. And I think that is a hard thing to get used to. Particularly, when you are like myself, and believe that a one’s future is something based on actions, rather than hope and luck. And, as you grow up, a big part of adulthood is accepting that some things happen just because they do, and are in no direct reaction to any action by any person. And I say it is part of adulthood, because I think it is something that takes a lot of maturity to accept.

Feeling Nostalgic?

August 5, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I do.

All the time.

I crave for the days of yesteryear, where my life was not filled with finding ways to pay my bills. Where all I did is watch cartoons, and spend entire summers outside playing with my friends. Dancing to the Spice Girls and throwing Barbies up trees (for Action Man to rescue, obviously). Those where what my summers were full of.

And now, I find myself playing Zelda and Mario games of my youth, whilst watching remakes of game shows I loved. I watch DVD box sets of Chip N Dale’s Rescue Rangers and Talespin, to remind me of a time when life was so much easier. As if consuming an entire series of Disney cartoons could, in some way, delay adulthood.

It is of course, impossible. But as a generation of workers, with what looks like a pretty bleak future. According to the news agencies around us, we are either going to get poisoned with pollution, die in an atomic war or run out of money and lose civilisation. What can a normal person do about all that scary stuff? Not very much. So people of my generation, tend to look back at the period of their lives where everything was so exciting, before the heavy fist of reality knocked us to the ground.

I guess I want to say, that it is okay to be nostalgic of days where you maybe felt like more of a success. Where life was really easy, because you didn’t have to deal with anything, really. The hardest thing you had to deal with, was which kid were you going to play with today. And then teenagerhood came, and everyone played the victim. We started to realise that life was maybe not all fantastic, but we could still just read books or play video games as a bid to escape. And then, you have to deal with the real world. You have to find a job, get experience, get a house or flat, have a relationship, plan for a future… It can be overwhelming.

So as a result, more people are picking what they used to love, what made them happier in their youth, and using them as a shield against the real world. That sounds a lot worse than I mean. The world, and the companies that run it, are harsh, they don’t care about the people who pay them money. You are jostled from place to place, expected to act a certain way, and be a certain kind of person. It is normal to use something as a buffer, to act as a cushion from harsh reality, and that could be many things. Sport, fashion, books, DIY, car care, hiking, blogging, creating art, playing computer games… all ways to help people relax and be themselves. It doesn’t matter what it is, what matters, is that you find a way that helps you cope.

So, don’t listen if others berate you for liking certain things. All that matters is that it harms noone, and makes you happy. And others should remember that, people pick things that make them feel secure to help them relax. If it doesn’t effect you, why be so critical on someone else?

Come On DA

July 30, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I really enjoy watching sport, and can sit through most, but football is my favourite. Soccer to some, football to most, it is the sport that I grew up watching. So when my local, and favourite, team Dunfermline Athletic started having financial problems last season, I became concerned. Then when the club was given a wind-up order over an unpaid tax bill, and entered administration, it would not be melodramatic to say that my heart broke. This big feature of my hometown could be gone, 128 years of history gone because a few people mis-managed the club.

Over the last few months, a consortium of Pars fans and local business professionals formed a group called Pars United. The aim of this group was to bring the club back into the care of the community, so that the club could be run open and honestly, instead of directors and chairmen hiding behind closed doors. Pars United raised funds from local businesses, Pars fans and the community of West Fife, to help run the club, and try to gather a bid to take over. At the start of the summer, Dunfermline’s administrator, BDO, announced Pars United as the preferred bidder for the club. The next thing to do was to make an arrangement to who the club owed moneys of around £10 million to.

To do this a Company Voluntary Agreement (CVA) was to be created, and pitched to the clubs creditors. This would be an agreement that the club would pay a certain amount of the money back, rather than the full amount ( such as 1p in the £). For the CVA to pass, and for Pars United to start managing the club, 75% of the creditors had to agree to the CVA on Tuesday 30th July 2013.

Now whilst the actual voting is not been made public, the vote in agreement for the CVA was ‘overwhelming’. Meaning the club won’t get liquidated, and that the players and the club has a way forward, and are a step closer to being out of administration. Whilst it is great news for the club, it has been a big action by all the business effected by the clubs debt. A lot of local businesses lost out on a lot of money. But they agreed that the possible income brought about by having a football club in Dunfermline was of greater importance. And I, and every other Dunfermline fan, do not have the words to say how grateful we are that these people helped our club secure a future.

A lot of things had been put on hold whilst the CVA was sorted out. Namely the squad line-up and pictures, seemingly menial things the club would have normally done over the summer break. So Tuesday afternoon, after the CVA vote announcement, the squad had a picture day, and the offical squad list was released. The picture of the squad is below, and you can sense the joy of the boys that have a season to look forward to.

dafc201314

The 2013/14 squad are Alex Whittle (Midfielder)
Allan Smith (Striker)
Andrew Geggan (Midfielder)
Blair Henderson (Striker)
Callum Morris (Defender)
Christopher Kane (Midfielder)
Craig Dargo (Striker)
Declan O’Kane
Faissal El Bakhtaoui (Striker)
Ivan D’Angelo (Midfielder)
John Potter (Defender)
Joshua Falkingham (Midfielder)
Kerr Young (Defender)
Lewis Spence (Midfielder)
Lewis Martin (Defender)
Michal Hrivnak (Goalkeeper)
Ross Drummond (Defender)
Ross Millen (Defender)
Ryan Goodfellow (Goalkeeper)
Ryan Ferguson
Ryan Scully (Goalkeeper)–on loan from Partick Thistle
Ryan Thomson (Midfielder)
Ryan Wallace (Midfielder)
Ryan Williamson
Shaun Byrne (Midfielder)
Stephen Husband (Midfielder)
*Now the clubs future is secured, there are reports of players getting added via loans from other clubs*

If you can’t tell, I am over the moon. It has been the hardest year I have ever had as a sports fan, and would not wish this on anyone. Dunfermline would not be the same without the Pars, so thank you to everyone who helped this club work towards its 129th year.