Change For Life?

June 11, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

For as long as I can remember I have always been on the heavier side of life. When I was little I was always told I looked like a wee rugby player, something that never bothered me at the time, because I quite liked rugby. As I got older, the comments got a bit harsher. All comments made towards me, seemed to be about my weight. Something that I did my best to ignore, I was fairly active (so I told myself) so I couldn’t be that fat. I ignored it, and invested my time in doing what I wanted, eating what I wanted and enjoying myself. Which there is nothing wrong with, the problem is knowing where to stop. I didn’t.

When I was at school I got my first job, a paper round that gave me less than a £5 a week. Wasn’t a lot, but it was my money. I spent it on magazines and crap food. I’d quite happily spend my hard earned money on multipacks of 6 packs crisps, which I’d sometimes eat in one day. It gave me a sense of control, which was needed as school, something I was always good at, started to go downhill. I was struggling, and all my friends seemed fine. Eating would take my mind off thinking about being a failure, and I didn’t have to bother anyone. As I have got older, food has been there out of habit. When there was something I couldn’t talk about that was bothering me, I’d scoff junk food and wash it down with fizzy juice. And the more money I have, the more junk I buy.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I was watching a health program last night, where people were weighing themselves to see how overweight they were. Now, I have weighed myself fairly inconsistently over the last 6 months or so, but the numbers were numbers, and I made no real connection with it. I mean, what has a kilo done for me? But I was intrigued and weighed myself, to see what ‘weight class’ I came in. At 5 foot 2, I weigh 103 kg.That makes me OBESE. It’s kind of slapped me in the face a bit. I knew I was fat, always chubby, but never thought obese. After a cry to myself, I spent last night browsing the effects of obesity, and what it does to your body. Well, two things were highlighted straight away to me. First, obesity can cause muscle pain and inflammation, something I have dealt with FOR YEARS. Secondly, a bad diet can have detrimental effects on your body’s ability to fight bugs, and the bad stuff. I have been suffering with various illnesses over the last 6 months, which could have something to do with a poor immune system.

As a bigger girl, I have always been against a certain figure being the aim for every woman out there. Every person has their own shape. And that’s okay. But, the moment your body starts rebelling against whatever life choices you have made, you should listen and change few things. And that’s all I want to do, change a few things. My body isn’t very happy. I have the complaints of joint pain and a cough that just won’t leave, and I also have no energy after a shift at work. It’s getting to the stage that I feel like I am missing out on life, because I can’t be bothered doing anything. And of course my anxiety then jumps in, and convinces me that if I can’t be bothered with myself, why should anyone else. And that is how I devour several packets of crisps instead.

What if losing weight does help my health issues, like my mental health? I know it won’t solve every problem, but maybe it could make things easier. I just haven’t been able to relax since I read about being obese. It’s no one’s fault but my own, I accept that. So if I am to try and fix it, I need to take full ownership in that too. I am back using the Weight Watcher online tracker, and going to see how that works.

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I wanted to talk about this on here, as this blog has been a good way of helping me through problems previously. So because this has been something stuck in my head, I thought I’d write about. Hopefully documenting my feelings in such a way will help keep me moving. Fingers crossed, and I’ll try and write down any progress or issues I am having.

Video: Out & About- Pittencrieff Park, Dunfermline

June 8, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Work Through It

June 3, 2015 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Life is a complete arse sometimes, isn’t it? My problem is my cough, which has been a problem for a few months now. The cough never gets worse, I don’t get a sore throat, it just doesn’t go away. And it is frustrating me. A lot.

The only thing you can do is try and carry on with your life. That’s all I can do. The doctors aren’t helping, despite visiting numerous times. They just tell me to try cough syrup and drink lots of water. So rather than sitting home getting more frustrated, I am going to work. Thankfully they have been really understanding when I have had to go to the bathroom because I can’t catch my breath. But sometimes it is hard.

People deal with more serious long term issues than a cough, and I have no idea how they are able to cope.

Can’t Get Into A Book

June 1, 2015 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I read a lot. I have done for years. I am a regular at my local library and have rented books since I was at Primary School. I try to read about 2-3 book a month, but it can vary. A lot of the books that I read are recommended to me by friends, or I read a review somewhere. But most of the books I pick up, is because I am told it is something that I would get into.

One of these suggestions was the Lord of the Rings collection. Which I bought in High School after a classmate did a book report on it, and it seemed really cool. So I bought the full collection in the one book, for the normal reason, that it was on offer. Good times, or so I thought. For over a decade the book sat on my bookshelf, with me struggling to get past Book 1. I just struggled with feeling that the book wasn’t getting anywhere. I am not kidding when I say you could tell how far I got in the book by how badly bent the spine was. It was really comical.

But then, the movies happened. I have always believed that someone should read the book, before you watch the movie or TV show. But, due to my struggles, I decided to make an exception. And I did. Watching the movies actually helped me get through the storyline a lot easier. And because I liked the movies, I then read the book fairly quickly. And this time the story was a lot easier to take in, and enhanced what the movies told. Which is to be expected. Not getting into a book is something that has happened before. I have recently attempted an Audiobook, to try and get through The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I made a video you can see below, talking about this.

I can’t be the only person who has issues with getting into books. How do other people cope with this? Do you force yourself on, or do you look for an alternative way enjoy the story? Let me know, unless I really am alone. Which wouldn’t surprise me.

Being There

May 22, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have always been a person who loves their own company. I have always spent a lot of time on my own. That’s not saying that I have no friends, I do have a lot of people in my life that I am lucky enough to consider to be my friends. People who I know will have my back, no matter what happens.

But, I don’t think I am a really good friend, if I am honest. I don’t organise to meet people for coffee, I skip nights out, I am THE WORST person at texting back. The list goes on, but you get the idea that I am pretty unreliable. Well, if I do plan something, I will do it. I don’t like bailing on things, particularly if they are important, like birthdays. I try to keep my promises. But the ‘general invite’, is the ones I skip. It sounds horribly selfish, I know that. It is one of the pitfalls of having a brain which stops you from letting go and simply enjoying life for what it is.

There is always that wee voice in my head, that stops me from doing things. I feel like I am a big bag of misery, and I wouldn’t want to impose that on people I care about. I don’t always feel a part of situations, like I observe more than participate. I have this belief that getting too involved in something, will ruin it for everyone else. That is why I tend to keep myself to myself.

Sorry to anyone who is my friend. Sorry for letting you down and not being around more. I obviously have a lot of issues to sort out and to try and make my confidence better. I will try harder to be a better friend. Do other people have issues with being a good friend?

Like A Rubber Ball…

May 20, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I’m back again. So sorry for the lack of posts over the last week or so. It seems my excitement over getting better, was a little bit misjudged, as I felt pretty bad last week. I can deal with being sick, but when I couldn’t keep my dinner down because of coughing? No no no no no, I have no time for that. I like my food, and hate to give it up. Think of me, like Joey from Friends. I don’t share food, and really hate giving it up. For anything. Even being sick.

I am feeling better, coughing is still there, but nowhere near as all-conquering as it has been. And because I can talk in sentances without trying to cough up a lung, yesterday I recorded a video. I was planning on editing and uploading it instead, but I fell asleep in the bath. Don’t judge me. I am still ‘healing’. I have the doctors tomorrow, so should be home early, and will get the video edited then. That’s the plan anyway.

Anyway, hope anyone reading this is doing well. And I hope that you haven’t been caught up by the bugs and viruses that seem to be everywhere.

Technology’s Least Favourite Person

May 6, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The biggest problem about using a lot of technology, is that sometimes it can stop working. Something happens, and it feels that, no matter what you do, things just don’t go the way you plan it. That is the problem that I had today. First my phone refused to charge. It kept popping up with a message saying ‘device is not compatible’, despite me using an official Apple charger. It’s not something that surprises me, because despite the cost and how good the actual devices are, iPod/ iPhone charger cables are absolute terrible. They always seem to break, a small lose connection renders the thing useless. I got the cable working again, mostly by unplugging it from the mains for a bit. I don’t know how but it seemed to work.

And that was okay. After visiting the Doctors, I decided that I would use the afternoon to make a video, get my YouTube channel working again. So I thought I’d record a video explaining why my previous videos had disappeared, and the name change, which has all happened for the same reasons as this blog has changed. There was no point in having the ‘graphics’ title in anything if I wasn’t uploading anything to do with art. Makes sense. I made all my existing vlogs private, as if to get a clear slate to work off. So far, so good. I then decided to record a quick vlog, explaining the changes. I tried using my Canon camera, it didn’t work because something corrupted in the memory card and I had to format it. So attempt one was a bust. I then tried to use my webcam, but my movie editor wouldn’t pick up the sound, at all. So I resorted to my iphone. Shot a video in 2 parts, went to import it into my computer, and it didn’t transfer just deleted the videos off my phone.

At this point, I was close to just leaving it. But, after some delving, I realised the current iOS YouTube app allows you to upload direct from the app. Which is good, because for a while there, you had to upload using a different app. Which was a pain. This time, fortunately, the video recorded and uploaded no problems. It did mean that the video wasn’t edited, but at the stage I was at, it didn’t really seem important. But I got it up, which is a good thing, considering that YouTube is where my creativity tends to go to die. It is easier to watch people’s stuff, than make your own. But because vlogging helps me just as much as blogging does, I thought I’d make the effort. See the results below.

The video is so simple, but I don’t think that people realise how much effort goes into making a simple video appear online. I mean, it has taken me hours just to get that video available for others to watch. Of course, technology was a major problem today, but usually I would edit a video, and that takes time. And I think people need to remember how long things take, before they post hate on someone’s videos.

Fighting For Breath

May 5, 2015May 5, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been quiet about my health recently. I find that all I am doing at the moment is complain of how I am sick. Now this cough has been here for 3 weeks. And just when I think it is getting better, it gets worse again. The main cause for the coughing has been my tickly throat. I try to drink plenty of fluids to try and soothe it, which does help sometimes. But other times, at least once a day, my breath catches and I start coughing. When it gets like that there is nothing that I can do to stop coughing. I take syrups, cough sweets, water, none of it works. I just have to try and calm my breathing down enough, usually achieved by breathing through my nose, which is hard as that seems to be blocked too.

This seems minor, but it has it’s bad moments. Sometimes, the cough is so constant, I cant drink any water to soothe it, and it just continues, to the point where I can’t catch my breathe. These are the times, with tears running down my face, that I end up in the bathroom vomiting down the toilet. And I HATE vomiting, it makes me revert to being like a little child. It takes all my energy not to cry my eyes out and call for my Mum. It’s all a bit sad and pathetic for a 31 year old to be unable to deal with being sick. And it is tiring to deal with, when this happens at least once a day.

I have refrained from visiting my GP, as with all coughs I have had before, the syrups and cough drops have worked fine. I don’t think that I have a choice anymore. I have missed more than one day at work already, and I hate missing work. I feel guilty of letting someone down. But it gets to the point, where my health has to take priority over attending work. I am sure that working in a dusty, heavily air-conditioned environment is helping me get rid of this cough. So, I am taking tomorrow off from work, and going to try my hardest to get an emergency appointment. If I can’t then I have to wait at least 2 weeks for an appointment. I am no doctor, and maybe it’s because it is effecting me, but surely being unable to keep food down and struggling to breathe is at least a little bit urgent. It’s not even just that, I am in constant discomfort because I have pulled muscles in my stomach, side and back because of the coughing. I am taking Ibuprofen constantly, or else I can’t even sleep. Which is a struggle as it is, with the coughing all the time.

I am sorry for having such a rant on here, but I don’t feel I have anyone to vent like this too. Plus, everyone is sick of my cough, because it has been going on for so long. But if the people around me are annoyed, it is nothing to how I feel. I just want it to go away

Bullies Never Prosper

May 4, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone encounters someone who tries to beat them down. It is something that nobody should ever have to experience. That feeling that you are not worthy of any kind of affection because you have no self-confidence left. The feeling when you don’t want to go to work, school or even home, because you are so scared of what could happen. The worst part is, that most people that you speak to, have had a problem with a bully at some point.

I had some issues when I was at school. Petty name calling and being made fun of. Being short and on the tubby side, I was an easy target. Most of the people who tried to pick on me weren’t people I wanted to be friends with, so I just ignored them. It seemed so much easier to do back when I was younger. As I became a teenager in High School, the words became more hurtful. I never figured out if it was really the words that changed, or just that they were chipping away at me, without me really knowing.

Many stories you hear of bullying, give you the impresson that things get better once you leave school. It didn’t for me. By the end of High School I had lost a lot of my self-confidence and I became a lot quieter. I started hating myself because I was fat and couldn’t seem to do anything to lose it. Not that I had the energy to try. Besides, when people saw me out running or walking, some would shout names. Names that hurt me. Names that made me want to sit at home and gorge on food. And it made me hate myself more.

I wish that I could say that a lot has changed over the years. Most of the people that made me hate myself have been cut out of my life now. I say most because some people I can’t cut out. Some people are a part of my life, whether I want them to be or not. Where I get demeaned for the smallest thing, but am still expected to act as if I owe them something. And that is hard. How can you move past something when you don’t get the time and distance to heal? So I continue to suck it up. Unable to move past the belief that I have recovered all this abuse because I am a bad person.

And that’s what bullying does. It skews everything that you thought you knew. And despite never doing anything wrong, you blame yourself because of the actions of others. And the funniest thing is that the bullies never see the damage they cause. They will never see the self-hatred that was started by their ‘petty taunts’. But that’s why those of us that have been bullied need to speak up. People need to support one another.

Blogging Helps

May 3, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have always been vocal about how writing has helped me get through my life. It has been useful to write about my feelings rather than pile it on another person. Blogging has helped me make sense of a lot. I have always known that it isn’t just me who turned to writing a blog to get through things, it’s become a kind of therapy for so many people.

Tonight I watched The C Word on BBC One. It’s about Lisa Lynch, who starts writing a blog to help her deal with what happens after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Lisa wrote a book based on her experiences. I won’t say what happens in case any readers wish to read the book or watch the TV show, but it’s clear that writing really helped Lisa. She found other cancer sufferers through her blog, and they helped each other through.

I think it’s great that such a simple thing, like writing what’s in your head, can help so much. To me, writing is the best kind of therapy. It helps me so much, whether I write about what I am actually writing what I feel at that moment or not. Not enough respect is given to people who write what they feel online. Posting on a blog is releasing something to the world, so that anyone can read it. That is pretty crazy. I love reading through people’s blogs as well. Through reading someone’s writing you can learn so much about that person, just by seeing how they express themselves. And different people experience things differently, so it is always good to read how others deal with things.

The C Word was shown on BBC One on Sunday 3rd May, and is now available on BBCiplayer.