Technological Clearout

February 9, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been feeling a bit bogged down when I have been trying to use my computer and iPad. They are both filled up with gimmicky games and apps that I don’t really use anymore. Some of them have only been used once or twice. And they just, make it a pain to use the device they are installed on.

Now, when it comes to apps and games, whether on my iPhone or through my Steam account, I always end up going to the free games and apps. The stuff that advertises other games every time you lose a life. Or that runs so slowly, it completely ruins the user experience. What is the point of a note-taking app, that asks you to sign up for the premium version, every time you make a note. It frustrates me A LOT. So, I end up downloading other apps, to replace the app which is getting on my nerves. And this pattern could go on, and on. And it means that, much like my bookshelves, my devices start to run out of space thanks to all these unnecessary things installed.

So, today, I deleted a ton of old applications of both my laptop and my iPad. Something that I have been needing to do, particularly on my ipad, which had apps going on for 10 pages. Yes. I actually downloaded that much crap, and I would be lucky to use even half of them. So, the games that annoyed me with adverts, or crashing, I deleted. I put the games I like into folders, and made my front page full of the apps that I actually use the most. Which, is mostly social media apps. I do like my social media.

The result is, that I feel like I have new devices. They run smoother, and everything is so much easier to find. Part of me knows, that within a few weeks, things will start to pile up again, but maybe I can keep on top of it. App hoarding isn’t healthy, for you or your device. As a person, it is always good to let go of the stuff that you no longer use, out of your life. Help yourself be more organised.

Always Learning

February 8, 2016 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

There is a problem with education in this country. It has the habit of ruining things which a lot of pupils cam be passionate about. I know that when I was younger, I lost my love of reading, after being forced to write laborious essays and questions on books read during class. I think it was the idea of constantly having my thoughts on novels that I loved critiqued, really sucked any joy out of the reading process for me.

Over time, my love for reading anything and everything came back to me. I found that I loved reading different types of writing, from formal articles on science to trashy magazines. I love the variety that can be created by the written word.

As I have gotten older, I have discovered that I do love to learn new things. It was just the formal setup of school, that didn’t agree with me. The biggest problem for me, was, as mentioned above, the constant testing. The constant nagging that you weren’t good enough, just ruined that period of my life. I was beginning to struggle with my mental health, and my grades started to suffer when I couldn’t actually use the things I loved to relax, because I was getting assessed on them

Now my mental health is a lot better these days, I am trying to make the best of things and try to learn more. I have found a service called Future Learn, which provides free courses online. The courses run from a few weeks, to a couple of months, and are run with the help of many universities from all over the world. The course that I have signed up for, is Community Journalism, which is a 5 week course run by Cardiff University. The course has a variety of steps for every participant to complete every week, with a final test and the option to get a certificate upon completion. The best thing about Future Learn is that there is a wide variety of topics, something for everybody. You can also communicate with people also participating in the course, which means I have the ability to talk to people all over the world. It’s great.

So, if you are interested in a topic that you would like to study into further, but you maybe don’t have the money to enroll in a course, don’t have the time to study full-time or just want to learn a bit more about something. I recommend that everyone pops onto Future Learn and has a look around and see if there is anything you fancy. Because education is about enlightenment, not examinations.

Positive Change

February 2, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So we are in February already. Usually the quick passing of time gets me quite depressed, but not at the moment. I feel like 2016 has got off to a fantastic start so far. Even with the few road bumps that have occurred.

I feel like I have always been quite open in here, as I have attempted to deal with the mental health issues that I experience. I spent 2015 trying to learn how to deal with bad stuff that happened to me. The biggest problem, is that for years I have struggled at looking past anything negative. I was upset about things that had happened, and worried about things that could have happened in the future. It’s really so stressful.

So, I have put a lot of effort into try to focus all my energy on making every day, better that the day before. Which is hard, almost like re-training yourself. Which is hard, because it sometimes feels like society trains us to be overly negative, just by the tone everything is. Sometimes, it feels like we are expected to be overly critical of ourselves, something that starts at school. We are taught, or I feel like I was, that I could work my arse off, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. And, I think that has bred the anxiety that has caused me issues as I’ve grown up.

But, by focusing on now, and doing the things that satisfy me, I have been a lot happier. If something bad happens, I’ll still feel bad about it, but I’ll also do something that makes me happier. This helps move my focus on from what is negative. And by that simple thing of changing my focus, I stop thinking about whatever bad thing has happened.

I talk about it a little more in the video below

Socially Over-networked

January 19, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The problem with trying to create a lot of content online, is that sometimes it can get too much. Motivation, as well as inspiration, can disappear. Which is great. Particularly when you try to give yourself a target, such as I have, where I am trying to write every day. This means that things can become too forced, to the stage that writing is something that I really don’t enjoy anymore. I know this, because it has happened to me before. And, because I also like drawing, my ‘creative slump’ can also effect that, and that is my manner in dealing with stress out of the window. Annoying.

That is why I have been quiet on here for a few days. I thought I’d take some time out, which isn’t a bad thing. That is a new thing I am learning, knowing when to take a step back. Because I haven’t before, and it’s caused me to completely stress out. Which is the total opposite to what I want writing to be for me. Because, it is something that helps me chill out and organise the nonsense in my head. To the point that I don’t know what I’d do without it. I think I feel suffocated, which is bizarre because it’s just rambling online, really.

But, the internet has become something that has taken over our entire lives. There is not a day that goes by, where we don’t use the internet for something. Even if I locked my phone and laptop away, just doing my job at work involves network connections that use the internet. Nothing would work, in fact, my job wouldn’t even exist. And that is quite scary. But, however scary it appears to be, it still doesn’t mean anything compared to actual experience of dealing with real people. And as real people, ourselves, we should never forget about the way we feel. Sometimes, it is too easy to be dragged into some battle on facebook or Twitter over something that doesn’t even matter. Whilst, I know I try to shrug things like that off, it is not always that easy. The best thing is, realise when things start to bother you, and try to take yourself out of such situations when they arise. That is a good thing about the internet, there is always a block button.

Sometimes, I wish real life had a block button.

Counting Steps

January 15, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

In a bid to get healthier, I am recording what I eat as well as monitoring my physical activity. The aim of this is to record when I am doing well, to try and spurn me on to do more. Whilst this all sounds great, it doesn’t necessarily work out like that. I have a habit of being inspired for a few days, and then falling down a bit, which happens. The problem is, that you can see this on your fitness tracker, and it can sometimes have the opposite effect. It can make any lack of activity look a lot bigger and more important, than what it actually is.

I have a Fitbit Charge, which is like a watch. It shows time, steps taken, distance walked, and flights of stairs climbed. If I am active, like at work or walking round the coast, it is very useful. It is something I would recommend to people looking to become more active, but don’t take the data too seriously. It can be very easy to be discouraged if you don’t hit target. It is something that happens, whilst it is nice to aim for 10,000 steps a day, you should beat yourself up if you don’t reach your target.

I walk an average of 15-18000 steps a day when I am working. And if I have my fitbit on, it uses a LOT of the battery, purely because I am doing a lot of activity. Now, the Charge is supposed to last up to 3 days on a single charge, which doesn’t happen. In fact, I the Charge will last till the end of the day. This means, that if you want to use it for monitoring your sleep (another function of the product), you wouldn’t be able to have a heavily active day before or after the night you use it. But, as I write this I have realised something, a lot of people maybe don’t use it as a watch that they wear all day. Fortunately I charge my Fitbit overnight, and wear it all day at work. Unless I forget to charge it, or lose the charger (both happen frequently), and then I will go without.

Overall, I would recommend the Fitbit or any fitness tracker for anyone who is looking become more active. The biggest thing I would say that is a challenge about using a fitness tracker to improve your health is finding routine. Like every change really. If you are unorganised, like me, it may take you a while to remember to wear your device every day. But, I has made me more active, I love walking, and the fitbit helps give me aims about it. If you are unsure whether a fitness tracker is right for you, there are many apps available for mobile phones, which also work quite well. That’s what I did first, to see if I found that kind of thing useful, and i obviously did.

Does anyone else use apps and devices to track their activity and is it working?

Just Keep Swimming…

January 13, 2016 ~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

So the other day, I wrote an entry on here, which was probably the most personal thing I have written on here in a long time. I was emotional, and was rambling A LOT. But it was honest, and that is what I am trying to be a bit more of. More honest with myself, about how I feel and telling people how I feel. These are things that I struggle with. Which is why blogging is something that helps me so much. I can try and think about what’s in my head, and be honest about it, without imposing it on the folks around me. I mean, people have their own stuff to deal with, they don’t need my pedantic rubbish forced on them.

Anyways, after posting my blog on Monday, I just went to bed. I had been crying a lot, and that makes me tired. Plus, I was sick of Monday, by that point, I just wanted it to go away. So, I went to bed and fell asleep pretty quick. Which was probably the best way to deal with feeling that crap. Because if I sit after feeling like that, I can start to feel worse. I could be sitting watching TV, but my brain has different ideas and seems to just make me feel worse. So, I expressed all the negativity, and then just attempted to switch off from the world. I am actually surprised that it worked, to be honest. Just close the day off, as a disaster.

On Tuesday when I woke up, I didn’t want the day to become another mess, so I just wrote myself a to-do list and focused on each bit one by one. I had a plan, and felt focused. There was nothing else I could do about how I felt the day before, so I attempted to make Tuesday better than Monday was. Usually, this kind of thing doesn’t work, and I end up dwelling on whatever negativity has happened before. But, before I could back out, I put on a 90s pop playlist on Spotify and before I knew it, I was tidying up whilst dancing to Faithless and Britney Spears. And I became so determined, that by the end of the day, all the rubbish I have been hoarding for years was in rubbish bags, and the floor had even been hoovered. Sounds like nothing, but I have been needing to do that for months.

I was so upset on Monday, because I felt like all that planning to positive in 2016 had crumbled at the very first obstacle. But, that ended up not being the main focus, for myself. It is that I moved on from it, and then had a successful and productive day. And it gave me a bit of hope for the next year ahead. Maybe I won’t do everything I aim to do, I am not perfect. But, if I can learn how to cope with the failures,in a manner like I did this week, then maybe 2016 will be better than 2015.

Just have to have faith in myself.

Me Versus Food

January 11, 2016 ~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am 31 years old, and spent most of my life invisible. Not getting into fights, not hurting anyone, not hating anything. Doing everything I have been able to do, to stop any attention on myself. But, I am kind of lying here. I do hate something, and that something always has been food.

When I was 13, I got my first job delivering a local newspaper. I was starting to have problems at school, with people calling me names and making me feel like shit. I had friends, but whilst I could have the best times with them, I never really felt I could confide in anyone. So to make me feel better I decided to use my new income to buy something to make me feel better. Because I was getting under £5 a week (was a really shitty paper round), I could afford a magazine and one other thing. That other thing was usually junk food. A multipack of Wotsits, just cause they were my favourites. I’d eat them through the week, when I ‘needed’ a boost. That was just the start of it.

As I got older and as life got that bit harder, I guess I turned to food more and more. It became easier to eat a bag of Doritos than actually speak to someone about how I was feeling. And it has caused me a lot of problems. My health, is biggest problem. I have tried to deal with my weight, a lot, but as soon as I try to focus on succeeding, it is like my thoughts are diverted to think about failing instead. About being in a worse state than I am already. About being one of these people who dies in a room, that has to be lifted out their window by forklift, because they can longer fit through their own front door. Yes, my brain jumps to conclusions, but that is what it does. Makes me wonder what the point is of trying to make any change.

Just walking down the street makes change hard. In my local High Street area of less than 20 shops, there are 3 bakeries, 3 cafes, 2 chip shops, 1 pizza shop, 1 chinese takeaway and 1 Indian. And that is not including the 2 supermarkets and 2 paper shops, which also sell food. And most of the food is crap. Or they do sell salads, but it is hidden behind all the fizzy drinks and fatty snacks that I find so comforting. I want some healthy pasta, I must walk past cakes, pizzas, pastries, chocolate and just shit, which is usually cheaper than the healthy stuff. And I always crumble, because just walking past all that crap makes me feel so shit, that I crave that same shit to make me feel better. It’s some fucked up cycle of thoughts sponsored by sugar addiction and lack of care for myself.

And that is maybe the worst feeling. I know I am unhealthy. I know I am shortening my own life span. But, I can’t help it. I do try, but the accusations of not trying ‘hard enough’ just makes me give up. Not eating enough is classed as a mental health issue. Which is good. But us that over-eat, we are just fat, lazy and incompetent. Sometimes, I think that my life would be easier if food wasn’t a requirement for life. Then it wouldn’t be featured on TV so much, in every newspaper, every website, just everywhere. Whenever I see food, I feel bad. It would be easy just to have block button, like you do on social media, where everything to do with food would disappear from my life. It would then make it easier to deal with.

I want to blame other people for feeling like this. But it is all my fault. They say silly jokes. Jokes that aren’t funny to me. Jokes that make me want to cry. But that isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s not their fault I find it hard to talk. To people anyway. I just need to find a new way to deal with things, that isn’t me eating some greasy salty shit. Just don’t quite know how to do that.

Yet.

Back To Normal

January 4, 2016January 4, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This is the day where everything has officially returned to normal. The Christmas decorations are all away, which leaves everything looking less… well, happy. Everywhere looks so alive with all the lights and tinsel, now it all just looks empty.

What do you do to fill that ’emptiness’?

Well, because I was pretty disappointed with what I achieved (or didn’t achieve) last year, I felt I’d take a new approach. Try to make my life busy, and towards some end goals. Goals that include learning to drive, being more creative and eating healthier. Which sounds pretty standard right. But, I am trying to get away from thinking of them as resolutions. Going to do wee things every day, or try to. Hopefully, if I forget one or even all my goals one day, I can focus on the next day. Do my best.

It’s going to get harder as I go back to work later this week. And that makes me lazy. My job has me on my feet all day, and because I am so tired afterwards, it is so easy to do nothing. And that’s the wee bit I need to change. Make sure that I keep active when I come home. That I do something, no matter what it is. Something other than simply vegging in front of the TV.

Let’s make 2016 the best year yet.

New Year, New Me?

January 1, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Maybe not.

Not that there is anything wrong with trying to better yourself. I think that every new day is another opportunity the better yourself and make the day better than yesterday. It is good that people use the start of a new year, as a perfect way too try and set any plans in motion. And it is easy to see why so many people do it.

Personally, I know that I have a high failure rate when I have made New Year’s resolutions previously. I will maybe do okay for a few days or, if lucky, a few weeks. But, then, I lose focus, slip up, lose all momentum, and then quit. It’s not because of the task itself, I think it’s because of the build up and putting myself under so much pressure to succeed. Add into the mix that I have quite a bad fear of failure, there is only one way things tend to go.

So, I am trying to take one day at a time, rather than generalising the whole year. It makes things a bit easier for me to deal with, as the periods of time I try to make better, are a lot smaller. And, if I do slip up, it’s only one day. There is a new one tomorrow, and that one will be better. At least I hope that is the case. I have been trying to eat a bit healthier, and that is something that I find easier taking one day at a time. Mostly, because I try to plan a week in advance and I just go eat some crisps instead.

I love the metaphor that the start of a new year is a start of a new book, I like to think that every day is a different page of that book. That helps me visualise where I am on a certain day, and the idea is of turning the page away from a bad day is soothing to me. I don’t know why. It does help my anxiety levels, as I feel more in control.

As long as people are trying to better themselves, any attempts should be applauded. Whatever the success rate.