Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Head Full Of Fluff And Stuff

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am feeling all angsty, right now. Something, that I had assumed would have left by now. It hasn’t and I just don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe having sleepless nights over the trivial things in life, is a sign that I need to do more. That I am emotionally unsatisfied with what I have done in my 32 years on this planet.

Well, I am unsatisfied. I found an old diary which had me writing down my High School study schedule, to try and make my last year or so a success. It didn’t happen, I did nothing and got nowhere. The college course I went to when I left school, was dependant on the grades I got when I was 16, not the ones I got when I actually left school, at 18. I wasted 2 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready, and that has been a theme of my life. I may get round to some things, but its more of an eventual accident, rather than doing something when I actually give a shit about it.

And living in such a way has left me feeling very shit about my life. And I don’t know who to speak to about it. I have friends, but they have their own lives. And whilst I feel comfortable listening to their issues, I don’t want to bog them down with whatever crap is in my head. It isn’t fair to bring someone else down to my level, when they are working through stuff so much worse than mine. I try to write, to draw, to find outlets for my building anxiety, but sometimes it doesn’t work. You need someone to say that things are going to be alright. I try to do it for other people, but nothing in return. Comments telling me to ‘grow up’ or that ‘I am a lovely person’ are not really required. I just want someone to listen.

Not having someone to share issues with, is like a crushing weight. Something that you might be able to bear on good days, but on bad days it has you unable to even take one step. I’ll be honest, I am dealing with stuff better myself. I have been working very hard the last few months, trying to find ways to cope, small activities to try and lift my mood. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, things (2 friends changing plans on the same day), takes it’s toll. There is nothing to distract me from feeling that it is all my own fault. That I must be a really shitty person, that I get dropped at the first opportunity.

I try to optimistic on this blog. But sometimes, that just isn’t how it works. It’s hard to be optimistic, when you think you have reached a benchmark, made a break through, and then you go back to square one. And it is a lonely place. A horrible place. But time tells me, that carrying on makes me feel better. At some point. Might be a day, a week or a month away. And that is something to aim for. But, there is also a sense of dread, because I will feel like this again. I will be crying over nothing. Until things change, and I make things better.

But, what’s the point?

Change Of Plans

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To try and get through life, I always look to make some kind of ‘action plan’ for the week. This gives me some kind of calm, as sometimes when I don’t know what is happening in the future, I can get very anxious. And if I am in a certain frame of mind, I can have a panic attack, which is a completely awful experience.

I always have a struggle when plans are changed. For example, maybe I regularly meet a friend for coffee. Something that is a nice part of a routine, is something that comforts me. It sounds silly, but it is hard to explain. Anxiety is something that occurs to me, when I can feel things slipping outwith my control. When I have really struggled with anxiety, I have normally felt lost, and that ‘lack of direction’, can really leave me feeling alienated from everything around me. And, if you have never experience that before, it is not a very nice feeling. And it is a feeling that can exacerbate other conditions, like depression.

So it really can trigger me when plans that I have, change unexpectedly. I always try to have a list of things that I can do at any one time, so that if plans change, I can try and move on to something else. It helps me feel like I am still in control, despite the fact that changes have happened outwith my control. It is something that I have been working on for years, but sometimes there are moments where I do still panic when stuff gets cancelled without much notice. For example, I was due to meet a friend for coffee the other week, and they cancelled. Their kid was sick, so they had to become housebound. Nothing I could do, but I got stupidly paranoid. I got this idea in my head that I had done something wrong, and that it was my fault that my friend cancelled. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get past that thought. I couldn’t focus on anything, and had a few emotional breakdowns as a result. It sounds completely stupid now, but it didn’t feel like that at the time.

But have a constant list of alternative activities usually helps. It stops the doubt breaking into my mind, and it can help me stay angst-free. Mostly. Now, although it doesn’t work all the time, I know a lot of people who suffer from anxiety. And it really is something that can seriously effect your life. So I would recommend to anyone who suffers from anxiety to write up a list. My list includes things as read a chapter of a book, go for a walk and watch something on netflix. These are temporary things, but they keep my mind occupied and stop me from panicking. So I hope the idea might work for others too.

To-Not-List

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I have talked regularly on here, about what helps me get motivated. Because it has been something I have struggled with for years. One of the big things that has helped, has been writing ‘to-do’ lists. It is a simple way to methodically work through anything that is needing done. And the best thing is, that if you are feeling that little bit under motivated, you can make the items on your list. Like it seriously helped me tackle my anxiety, and I’d have days where I would have ‘put on socks’ and ‘go to bathroom’ on my list. But when I ticked them off, I’d feel motivated to get more of my list done, and I’d actually achieve something on a day where it would have been easy to do nothing.

But sometimes, a list doesn’t work. That happened yesterday. I came home with a huge plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote up a list, mostly chores, but also things like ‘tea break’. I came home, lay on my bed, and didn’t really move. I watched a movie, and then watched all the extras on the disc. Including commentary. And that was it. Nothing. So, when I woke up today, I thought about how to do an alternative. I needed to do something that would keep me going. Inspire me to do the tasks, like housework, that I don’t think anyone really wants to do.

But I came up with something that worked.

I filmed it.

I know that sounds silly. But, I just used my iphone and filmed wee clips as I got on with my day. And I did get everything done that I wanted to. And I even went out for a walk, and filmed bits of that too. Something that was really just me bumbling around doing what I needed to, ended up leading me to want to do something a bit different. It was a nice night so I went for a walk. It is amateur as anything, as it is all on my phone, but it was fun. I uploaded it online cause, I can. I like anything that leads me to express myself, and I ended up inadvertently doing that. The video is below.

I guess the point of this is, that sometimes what you may use to cope with any anxiety may not work. It hasn’t happened to me very often. I guess, the important thing is to stay calm. There is no need to panic, just know what it is that normally calms you, and just look at a different angle. All I did, by videoing my day, was record what I did slightly differently. And that small difference, made a huge difference to both my anxiety and productivity.

The Manky Hoors: Fuck Everything EP

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It is still the early part of the working week, and your energy may be draining already. You are maybe stuck in a minimum wage job, or just sick of hearing about the ‘powers that be’ abusing their power. Life is a bit of a bastard sometimes and the only thing that can help you work through your anger, is a wee bit of loud music. And The Manky Hoors are perfect for that.

The Manky Hoors are a Scottish punk band, hailing from Rosyth, Fife. Having spent the last several years gigging around the East Coast of Scotland, Fuck Everything is their brand new EP. If you like your punk rock full of fast tunes and sharp lyrics, think of NOFX, Good Riddance or The Vandals, this is the band for you.

The songs are proper fist pumping, scream at the top of your lungs, anthems. Songs that urge the listener to fight against the authority created to keep the normal person in their place. That kind of music is a bit of an antidote for the realities of modern life. Something that there is not nearly enough of in the local music scene in Fife. So, rather than listen to another band that sounds like Oasis stuck in a time warp, try something a bit different. Listen to the full EP below.

Check in with the Manky Hoors on Facebook and become pals. And if you like, share, because that is what the decent thing to do if you like some music.

Thumbs Up!

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Today I am feeling very positive. Like that I can take on the whole world. Which is something that doesn’t happen very often. It may be that taking time out and doing things for myself is working, or it may just be that I haven’t been working for most of last week. Either way, it is a nice feeling. And, as I have mentioned before, I want to show a bit more of a balance on her. Making the point of writing when I am doing well, not just when I feel rubbish.

So, I am taking this feeling of positivity and turning it into actual stuff. That stuff includes writing, like this, and getting things ready to shoot a video tomorrow. Yes, I am another person who sometimes vlogs (video blogs). Nothing makes me feel better than expressing myself, and the more avenues I have to do that, the better I feel. I started off well with my vlogs, at the start of the year, but I have since fallen off that horse long ago. But, as I have said before, it is not about not doing something, it is about carrying on with that thing after a period of not doing it. If that makes sense.

I feel buzzed today. As much as I would like to think it is because it was my birthday yesterday, I know it isn’t. Being on the wrong side of 30 kind of has the opposite effect that my birthday used to have. But, I do always take time out of work for my birthday, so maybe it did help. So I was sitting around feeling a bit hyper today. So i decided to do something useful, and spend a while rambling some nonsense. Again.

This post was created under the influence of:

This video by Tessa Violet (Meekakitty)

This song by Good Charlotte

This album by Babymetal

 

Frustration

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What do you do when you have no motivation? When you can’t find the energy to do anything?

It is something that happens a lot, and when I speak to others, it happens to them too. It is frustrating, something that annoys me a lot. Because I have all these things in my head, but I just can’t process these thoughts into anything substantial. Because of these issues, I feel stifled, almost suffocated. Whether it has been a traditional diary, or writing an online blog, I have written my way through any problems life has thrown at me.

So, as a way to try and pull myself out of whatever ‘funk’ I have been festering in, I am forcing myself to write something. Because that is how we get through life, by being a trouper and carrying on through the shit. It doesn’t sound like much, but the only way that a person can truly get over something  is to force their way through. I have tried ignoring things before, as I have done the last few weeks, and as I said earlier, it really doesn’t work.

But I guess that is a lesson that I have learnt as I have got older. Something that has come from experience of trying to run away from my problems. Whilst ignoring stuff may seem like a solution, it is only temporary. The problems that you avoid, will always come back around for you, and sometimes it is worse than if you had dealt with it at the first opportunity. The quicker that things are dealt with, the less a problem they are in the long run. And, with something like productivity, once you have jumped back on that old bandwagon, it is a lot easier to keep going.

Wasting Time

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It has been one of those weekends which has been a complete waste of time. I over did it on the alcohol over the weekend, and I am at that age where the hangovers last 2 days. Which is nice. I blame Russian Vodka, and the fact that I can’t handle my drink. Or, probably more likely, I can’t handle my half-a-glass measures. I slept most of yesterday away, and today, I still feel iffy.

I guess, you could argue, that is what the weekend is for. Enjoying yourself during your days off from work. But, I’ll be honest, I don’t drink very much. I am not a big fan of ‘getting wasted’, and never have. Like, I do like a few beers every now and then, but not the drinking to get drunk. Sometimes, usually when I mix my own drinks, the more I drink, the bigger the measures, the more drunk I get.

That’s all fine, it happens. I had a good time, and it was fun. Took me an hour and a half to walk the half a mile home, but still, was fun. I just feel guilty about wasting my time off work. Which sounds really stupid. But, I think everyone gets that regret after a night out. You end up questioning every judgement that you have made in the recent past. Wondering where it all went wrong. As if you did something wrong and the hangover is punishment.

But it happens. The best thing is that I have a 3 day weekend, so I will have my busy day tomorrow. That should help me feel like I have achieved something over the weekend. I have stumbled through the last few days in a bit of a haze, with plenty of water and junk food. I now feel human again. Eventually.

A Little Peace

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Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

Points Of Interest

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What do you like? What ‘stuff’ makes you happy?

Everyone has different things that makes them ‘tick’. Something that inspires them to get through a tough day. Something that helps them unwind and relax. Something that cheers them up when they are sad. Things mean different things to different people.

I have lots of different things that make me happy. They are mostly food, music and football. The food one is unhealthy. I have a habit of ‘eating my feelings’, which is never a good thing. If I feel like crap, I eat crisps and lots of fatty snacks. It is one of these things that I know is unhealthy for me, but I still do it. Because it has become a coping mechanism, when trying to deal with those down periods in life. It seems easy because it is something simple, buying the stuff is the hardest part. But when done, I feel bloated and rubbish for an entirely different reason. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, as I have to re-train myself on how I deal with things. And that takes time. Yes, I am slowly moving away from relying on comfort eating, but it I’m not there yet.

As mentioned, i have grown up being a fan of both football and music. I support my local team Dunfermline Athletic, and at the moment they are flying high in Scottish League 1. The team are 5 wins away from lifting the title, and winning promotion back to the Championship. I have always loved football, but when I lost my job a few years ago, I turned to football. Dunfermline were going through it a bit, they went into administration. It felt like what I was going through with my lack of job, was mirrored in the what was going on with the club. Fortunately, they have built themselves back up slowly over the years, as have I. Seeing how close the club were to the brink, gives me hope, knowing they got through it.

Music was a big thing for me, particularly when I started getting bigger problems with my mental health. I felt so alienated by how I was feeling, and nobody around me understood. But, music helped. Listening to albums by Good Charlotte, Rancid, Blink 182, etc, helped me feel not so alone. Through the internet, mostly band forums, I was able to connect with fans of the bands that I had come to love. Some of these fans were going through the same stuff as I was, so we helped each other. It’s not just though, sometimes listening to Cattle Decapitation can lift me after a shit day at work. Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits might wake me up in the morning. NWA have always made me want to paint and be creative. Different music effects my mood differently.

Which all sounds awesome, and it is. For me. What doesn’t help are people’s reactions on what makes me better. Noone thinks that I am overweight because I couldn’t talk to anyone. People seem to believe that you can’t like certain types of music, if you like football. But anyone can like anything. Anyone can rely on anything to cope. It is not for anyone to take away from something that another person likes. You should be the person who decides what you like. Nobody else.

When You Say Nothing At All

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I haven’t been updating over the last few weeks. Sorry about that. I have just been going through a phase where I haven’t been able to find the words for what is on my mind. Which is a very suffocating feeling when you are forever noting little things down, and all of a sudden nothing seems to happen. I have been sitting with a pen in my hand, or with a blog post open, and nothing happened.

It’s not that things haven’t been happening in my life, in fact, more the opposite. Work has been going well, I have been going out, and generally feeling very relaxed. Now, normally I would say I find it harder to write when things are going well, because I don’t have anything to rant and rave about. But, that hasn’t been the case either. I have had some times, where I have been really, really down. Those times were I have lay in my bed, and cried my eyes out. That is when I would normally try and write something, but it hasn’t happened.

So today, I had some time and thought I would do something. It is something that makes me feel productive, and made myself sit at the computer for a while. I originally was planning a pinball game that I bought off Steam, but it’s refusing to load. So, that has got my agitation up enough to have a wee ramble. But, I do feel guilty if I don’t check in with this blog every now and then. Sometimes writing nonsense is better than writing nothing, as it helps me get out of whatever funk I may find myself.

Hopefully I get can get things back to normal. But I guess it is important to never stop trying at something. It is knowing that although things may not happen at first try, you are still willing to give stuff another go. That is a good way to look at life, when I think about it. Just be persistent at aiming for things that you want to do. If you simply give up, you will never know what may have happened. Giving up brings with it the regrets you get with missing out.