Wasting Time

March 14, 2016March 14, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It has been one of those weekends which has been a complete waste of time. I over did it on the alcohol over the weekend, and I am at that age where the hangovers last 2 days. Which is nice. I blame Russian Vodka, and the fact that I can’t handle my drink. Or, probably more likely, I can’t handle my half-a-glass measures. I slept most of yesterday away, and today, I still feel iffy.

I guess, you could argue, that is what the weekend is for. Enjoying yourself during your days off from work. But, I’ll be honest, I don’t drink very much. I am not a big fan of ‘getting wasted’, and never have. Like, I do like a few beers every now and then, but not the drinking to get drunk. Sometimes, usually when I mix my own drinks, the more I drink, the bigger the measures, the more drunk I get.

That’s all fine, it happens. I had a good time, and it was fun. Took me an hour and a half to walk the half a mile home, but still, was fun. I just feel guilty about wasting my time off work. Which sounds really stupid. But, I think everyone gets that regret after a night out. You end up questioning every judgement that you have made in the recent past. Wondering where it all went wrong. As if you did something wrong and the hangover is punishment.

But it happens. The best thing is that I have a 3 day weekend, so I will have my busy day tomorrow. That should help me feel like I have achieved something over the weekend. I have stumbled through the last few days in a bit of a haze, with plenty of water and junk food. I now feel human again. Eventually.

A Little Peace

March 9, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

Points Of Interest

March 8, 2016March 8, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you like? What ‘stuff’ makes you happy?

Everyone has different things that makes them ‘tick’. Something that inspires them to get through a tough day. Something that helps them unwind and relax. Something that cheers them up when they are sad. Things mean different things to different people.

I have lots of different things that make me happy. They are mostly food, music and football. The food one is unhealthy. I have a habit of ‘eating my feelings’, which is never a good thing. If I feel like crap, I eat crisps and lots of fatty snacks. It is one of these things that I know is unhealthy for me, but I still do it. Because it has become a coping mechanism, when trying to deal with those down periods in life. It seems easy because it is something simple, buying the stuff is the hardest part. But when done, I feel bloated and rubbish for an entirely different reason. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, as I have to re-train myself on how I deal with things. And that takes time. Yes, I am slowly moving away from relying on comfort eating, but it I’m not there yet.

As mentioned, i have grown up being a fan of both football and music. I support my local team Dunfermline Athletic, and at the moment they are flying high in Scottish League 1. The team are 5 wins away from lifting the title, and winning promotion back to the Championship. I have always loved football, but when I lost my job a few years ago, I turned to football. Dunfermline were going through it a bit, they went into administration. It felt like what I was going through with my lack of job, was mirrored in the what was going on with the club. Fortunately, they have built themselves back up slowly over the years, as have I. Seeing how close the club were to the brink, gives me hope, knowing they got through it.

Music was a big thing for me, particularly when I started getting bigger problems with my mental health. I felt so alienated by how I was feeling, and nobody around me understood. But, music helped. Listening to albums by Good Charlotte, Rancid, Blink 182, etc, helped me feel not so alone. Through the internet, mostly band forums, I was able to connect with fans of the bands that I had come to love. Some of these fans were going through the same stuff as I was, so we helped each other. It’s not just though, sometimes listening to Cattle Decapitation can lift me after a shit day at work. Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits might wake me up in the morning. NWA have always made me want to paint and be creative. Different music effects my mood differently.

Which all sounds awesome, and it is. For me. What doesn’t help are people’s reactions on what makes me better. Noone thinks that I am overweight because I couldn’t talk to anyone. People seem to believe that you can’t like certain types of music, if you like football. But anyone can like anything. Anyone can rely on anything to cope. It is not for anyone to take away from something that another person likes. You should be the person who decides what you like. Nobody else.

When You Say Nothing At All

March 1, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been updating over the last few weeks. Sorry about that. I have just been going through a phase where I haven’t been able to find the words for what is on my mind. Which is a very suffocating feeling when you are forever noting little things down, and all of a sudden nothing seems to happen. I have been sitting with a pen in my hand, or with a blog post open, and nothing happened.

It’s not that things haven’t been happening in my life, in fact, more the opposite. Work has been going well, I have been going out, and generally feeling very relaxed. Now, normally I would say I find it harder to write when things are going well, because I don’t have anything to rant and rave about. But, that hasn’t been the case either. I have had some times, where I have been really, really down. Those times were I have lay in my bed, and cried my eyes out. That is when I would normally try and write something, but it hasn’t happened.

So today, I had some time and thought I would do something. It is something that makes me feel productive, and made myself sit at the computer for a while. I originally was planning a pinball game that I bought off Steam, but it’s refusing to load. So, that has got my agitation up enough to have a wee ramble. But, I do feel guilty if I don’t check in with this blog every now and then. Sometimes writing nonsense is better than writing nothing, as it helps me get out of whatever funk I may find myself.

Hopefully I get can get things back to normal. But I guess it is important to never stop trying at something. It is knowing that although things may not happen at first try, you are still willing to give stuff another go. That is a good way to look at life, when I think about it. Just be persistent at aiming for things that you want to do. If you simply give up, you will never know what may have happened. Giving up brings with it the regrets you get with missing out.

Last Night…

February 16, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s taken 24 hours to collect my thoughts on what happened yesterday. What happened yesterday? Well, (in case you don’t follow me on social media) I was going to see Good Charlotte for the first time in 5 years, not just that, I got meet and greet.

Meet and greet is something contentious in the music scene, right now. Where artists charge an extra fee, so that fans can meet artists without having to wait outside before or after the event. I have always thought it was not a good thing. Having mostly visiting small venues, with no more than 2,000 fans, it has been okay seeing the band outside the venue. I never saw the point. But when bands upsize to bigger venues, meeting them becomes difficult. That is where meet and greets become more popular.

Last night, All Time Low‘s Back To The Future Hearts Tour came to Glasgow’s SSE Hydro Arena, and their support was Good Charlotte. Good Charlotte is a band I have been a fan of for 15 years, and who have been a massive impact on me as a person. This is a band, who’s music has helped me through the darkest periods of my life, where I considered giving up completely.

So if I was going to do Meet and Greet for one band, it was Good Charlotte. Because All Time Low were the main band, their group for the meet and greet was a lot bigger than that for GC. ATL had 56, GC had 5. Yes, 5. We got to meet Good Charlotte and get early access into the venue. Going to the room where we’d meet the band was nerve wrecking. The butterflies were horrendous. But it was great. We had a super casual Q&A session, where it was like the 5 on them at one side of the room, and the 5 of us on the other. I had to pinch myself at one point. Benji Madden then got out his guitar, and we got to pick a song. The one that got the go-ahead was The Motivation Proclamation, my suggestion, as it has always been a favourite song. And they played it acoustically. I believe I did cry at that part. Slightly. And then we got photos. A picture taken by one of the tour managers.

And another one, a selfie taken by Joel Madden (which would have killed me as a 16 year old).

Then there was lots of hugs, more small chat, then it was over. We got a GC bag, shirt and signed poster. It was beyond anything I ever thought it would be. To be able to say thank you, personally, to the band who made me who I am today, was priceless.

We then got out early access to the venue, and got to the barrier. Funnily enough, I got to the same general area that I would get seeing GC in a smaller venue. Stage left. Between Benji Madden and Paul Thomas. Was so happy.

I sang along every word, and the band were as flawless as normal. I have missed them so much.

The set list was as below:

The Anthem

The Story of My Old Man

My Bloody Valentine

Girls & Boys

Riot Girl

Makeshift Love

The River

Dance Floor Anthem

I Just Wanna Live

Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

Because I saw the band I loved, I let the bigger All Time Low fans into the barrier, and I went for a drink. This is the way I have always done concerts, the biggest fans deserve to be at the front. I do like ATL, but I didn’t think it was fair to take up barrier space for bigger fans. It’s gig ettiquite.

If you have ever considered doing meet and greet, do it. Other’s may speak ill of it, but that’s because they have never done it. I have achieved something I have dreamed of for 15 years, almost half my life. If you work hard, and you really want to you should do it. It really was one of the best experiences of my life, and it really is a good idea if you are attending a big venue that offers it. Both the Good Charlotte and All Time Low meet and greets were organised by Future Beat, who do a lot of VIP deals for events. If you can, give meet and greets a chance, because it really is an opportunity for people to achieve their dreams.

Technological Clearout

February 9, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been feeling a bit bogged down when I have been trying to use my computer and iPad. They are both filled up with gimmicky games and apps that I don’t really use anymore. Some of them have only been used once or twice. And they just, make it a pain to use the device they are installed on.

Now, when it comes to apps and games, whether on my iPhone or through my Steam account, I always end up going to the free games and apps. The stuff that advertises other games every time you lose a life. Or that runs so slowly, it completely ruins the user experience. What is the point of a note-taking app, that asks you to sign up for the premium version, every time you make a note. It frustrates me A LOT. So, I end up downloading other apps, to replace the app which is getting on my nerves. And this pattern could go on, and on. And it means that, much like my bookshelves, my devices start to run out of space thanks to all these unnecessary things installed.

So, today, I deleted a ton of old applications of both my laptop and my iPad. Something that I have been needing to do, particularly on my ipad, which had apps going on for 10 pages. Yes. I actually downloaded that much crap, and I would be lucky to use even half of them. So, the games that annoyed me with adverts, or crashing, I deleted. I put the games I like into folders, and made my front page full of the apps that I actually use the most. Which, is mostly social media apps. I do like my social media.

The result is, that I feel like I have new devices. They run smoother, and everything is so much easier to find. Part of me knows, that within a few weeks, things will start to pile up again, but maybe I can keep on top of it. App hoarding isn’t healthy, for you or your device. As a person, it is always good to let go of the stuff that you no longer use, out of your life. Help yourself be more organised.

Always Learning

February 8, 2016 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

There is a problem with education in this country. It has the habit of ruining things which a lot of pupils cam be passionate about. I know that when I was younger, I lost my love of reading, after being forced to write laborious essays and questions on books read during class. I think it was the idea of constantly having my thoughts on novels that I loved critiqued, really sucked any joy out of the reading process for me.

Over time, my love for reading anything and everything came back to me. I found that I loved reading different types of writing, from formal articles on science to trashy magazines. I love the variety that can be created by the written word.

As I have gotten older, I have discovered that I do love to learn new things. It was just the formal setup of school, that didn’t agree with me. The biggest problem for me, was, as mentioned above, the constant testing. The constant nagging that you weren’t good enough, just ruined that period of my life. I was beginning to struggle with my mental health, and my grades started to suffer when I couldn’t actually use the things I loved to relax, because I was getting assessed on them

Now my mental health is a lot better these days, I am trying to make the best of things and try to learn more. I have found a service called Future Learn, which provides free courses online. The courses run from a few weeks, to a couple of months, and are run with the help of many universities from all over the world. The course that I have signed up for, is Community Journalism, which is a 5 week course run by Cardiff University. The course has a variety of steps for every participant to complete every week, with a final test and the option to get a certificate upon completion. The best thing about Future Learn is that there is a wide variety of topics, something for everybody. You can also communicate with people also participating in the course, which means I have the ability to talk to people all over the world. It’s great.

So, if you are interested in a topic that you would like to study into further, but you maybe don’t have the money to enroll in a course, don’t have the time to study full-time or just want to learn a bit more about something. I recommend that everyone pops onto Future Learn and has a look around and see if there is anything you fancy. Because education is about enlightenment, not examinations.

Positive Change

February 2, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So we are in February already. Usually the quick passing of time gets me quite depressed, but not at the moment. I feel like 2016 has got off to a fantastic start so far. Even with the few road bumps that have occurred.

I feel like I have always been quite open in here, as I have attempted to deal with the mental health issues that I experience. I spent 2015 trying to learn how to deal with bad stuff that happened to me. The biggest problem, is that for years I have struggled at looking past anything negative. I was upset about things that had happened, and worried about things that could have happened in the future. It’s really so stressful.

So, I have put a lot of effort into try to focus all my energy on making every day, better that the day before. Which is hard, almost like re-training yourself. Which is hard, because it sometimes feels like society trains us to be overly negative, just by the tone everything is. Sometimes, it feels like we are expected to be overly critical of ourselves, something that starts at school. We are taught, or I feel like I was, that I could work my arse off, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. And, I think that has bred the anxiety that has caused me issues as I’ve grown up.

But, by focusing on now, and doing the things that satisfy me, I have been a lot happier. If something bad happens, I’ll still feel bad about it, but I’ll also do something that makes me happier. This helps move my focus on from what is negative. And by that simple thing of changing my focus, I stop thinking about whatever bad thing has happened.

I talk about it a little more in the video below

Socially Over-networked

January 19, 2016 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The problem with trying to create a lot of content online, is that sometimes it can get too much. Motivation, as well as inspiration, can disappear. Which is great. Particularly when you try to give yourself a target, such as I have, where I am trying to write every day. This means that things can become too forced, to the stage that writing is something that I really don’t enjoy anymore. I know this, because it has happened to me before. And, because I also like drawing, my ‘creative slump’ can also effect that, and that is my manner in dealing with stress out of the window. Annoying.

That is why I have been quiet on here for a few days. I thought I’d take some time out, which isn’t a bad thing. That is a new thing I am learning, knowing when to take a step back. Because I haven’t before, and it’s caused me to completely stress out. Which is the total opposite to what I want writing to be for me. Because, it is something that helps me chill out and organise the nonsense in my head. To the point that I don’t know what I’d do without it. I think I feel suffocated, which is bizarre because it’s just rambling online, really.

But, the internet has become something that has taken over our entire lives. There is not a day that goes by, where we don’t use the internet for something. Even if I locked my phone and laptop away, just doing my job at work involves network connections that use the internet. Nothing would work, in fact, my job wouldn’t even exist. And that is quite scary. But, however scary it appears to be, it still doesn’t mean anything compared to actual experience of dealing with real people. And as real people, ourselves, we should never forget about the way we feel. Sometimes, it is too easy to be dragged into some battle on facebook or Twitter over something that doesn’t even matter. Whilst, I know I try to shrug things like that off, it is not always that easy. The best thing is, realise when things start to bother you, and try to take yourself out of such situations when they arise. That is a good thing about the internet, there is always a block button.

Sometimes, I wish real life had a block button.