Retreading Old Roads

January 13, 2017January 12, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I always feel that people get annoyed with my posts popping up on their feeds. Especially, as I have committed myself to posting every day. Something that I am enjoying, even though I have struggled sometimes, posting an entry or two close to midnight. It is a challenge that I am having fun with, although it may not seem like it.

A lot of the things I talk about, relate to my mental health, especially anxiety. This is something that I am actively working on, to try and deal with things better. And, when I write something, sometimes similar thoughts run round my head, so that is what gets written about. There are times, when every point I think about my anxiety, I can think of different ideas as new ways to make it easier to deal with. Which, if I am honest, is something that I feel is essential to self-improvement. Always looking for a solution.

So, whilst I figure out what I am doing, I will go over things a few times. I might have a different angle for whatever happened, but that is what happens sometimes. Once things settle down a little bit, I am going to try and plan things better. I have a notebook, which already has some ideas written down. So, I would like to post a bit more varying content. Maybe write entries as drafts, and then post them in an order which mixes things up a bit. Writing every day is something that is still quite new to me, so it will take time for things to get in a better rhythm.

But for the moment, I am happy on here. This blog is celebrating it’s 8th birthday this year, and has become a place which is documented a large section of my life. And because of that, I find strangely attached to it. I like reading my old posts from years ago, to read about problems, which seem so insignificant now. My hope is, that one day, the anxiety I am writing about so frequently right now, will be as insignificant as my college are now, 8 years later.

Can always hope.

Busy Bee

January 12, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has those times, where you get so busy and hectic, that you get completely overwhelmed. It is something that happens to me regularly, and I find that it can really trigger my anxiety. I start losing my temper, start panicking, I overheat and I get upset. The worst feeling is, that I get the idea in my head that I am only overwhelmed because I am useless. A good person, who could actually do things properly, would never have got so worked up about it. And, thinking like that, can start a cycle of demeaning myself, and feeling worse and worse.

These days, I know that if I power through, things will calm down, and with that, my anxiety will subside. And then, I can just focus on my job again. Which is such a relief. Whilst it is good to know that I can get through being overwhelmed, it is frustrating that it still happens so regularly. Anxiety, for me, feels like I lose control of my emotions, something that adds to the feeling of intensity. It is exhausting.

Although people who see me get worked up might disagree, I am slowly getting better at dealing with this. I try to simply focus on what task is directly in front of me. Usually panic attacks come on, because I see all the work I have to do, and I feel bad that the pile is ever-growing. And that pile of work, is just a badge of dishonour, letting the world know that I can’t cope. In a calm mind, I know that a work list getting bigger, is not necessarily an indication on my abilities, more the situation which is outwith my control.

Usually, at home, listening to music or a walk in the fresh air, work as tactics to get away from any panic I feel rising. So I can go off on my own, collect my thoughts, and come back and attack tasks with a fresher mind. But, in situations not at home, none of these solutions are possible. If I can stay focused on my task, sometimes I can just focus on what I am doing, and blank out everything else. But that isn’t always possible either. I have tried to hum or sing to myself when I get into situations that can trigger my anxiety. That can help. But, I get nervous of someone judging me for singing a silly Disney song. I am trying to get over that.

Not so long ago, if I was busy and got overwhelmed, I would just leave the situation completely. That sometimes meant leaving work early or cancelling on friends. I don’t do that anymore. I do push through it. I just need to deal better with what happens when I have to work through stuff. But, that takes time.

The Journey to White Deer Park

January 11, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am a bit of a bookworm. But in periods where I become a bit ‘stuck’, it can include finding it difficult to do hobbies, as well as create things. That means, i find it hard to relax to music and I just can’t focus on a book to read. Now, these can be issues, as both music and books are ways I like to relax. So sometimes, i feel like I just can’t unwind, and it is so frustrating.

So I made a choice to try and read 50
books this year. Its a big number, as I really struggled last year reading that same target, in fact I think I ready 11 books. 11 books in 12 months is really bad, as I used to read ALL THE TIME. So, in keeping of 2017’s plan I thought I’d try and red a book from my childhood to get me started.

The Animals of Farthing Wood.

It was a good idea. Because although the story was a lot mor simplified than I remember, was still super entertaining. And it made me think. If I want to do things, and am finding it hard, then maybe do baby steps. Working a really small bit towards your goal is better than working towards nothing at all.

When I was young Farthing Wood was a favourite. I read it so much, and became convinced I was going to get a pet fox. As a fox was one of the main characters. I loved animals, and the idea of different animals banding together to travel to a safer place, after the pond in their home of Farthing Wood is filled in by humans. People were building on their homes, and the animals leave whilst they still have the chance. But where do they go? To an animal reserve called White Dear Park, where they could all be safe. So the animals, a badger, fox, snake, weasel, mole, owl, rabbits, mice, voles and more, make a pact to live together in unity, until they reached their new home.

I read the book when the cartoon, based on the book, was aired on Children’s BBC, when I was about 10 or 11. The book disappoint, in fact, when I re-read it last week, it still kept me entertained. Okay, the way the animals all talked to each other was just like they were people, did annoy me. But it was still a book I could get right into.

So maybe, if you are struggling, try to do something you loved as a kid. It might help you re-discover why you love what you do, and give you the push to carry on.

Struggling

January 10, 2017 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

This week, so far, has been very difficult, productivity wise. Like, I set out these plans, and some of them aren’t working. Forming new habits are really hard, and I think it is easy to forget that, when you set yourself tasks.

I have posted every day, so far. And, whilst I was ahead of myself last week, this week, I am ‘putting it off’. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, I do, it’s just I can’t stay focused long enough to do anything substantial. So this wee gap, between spending time with family and going to bed, has been used to write. It’s not so much a writer’s block, more of just pure procrastination.

I. Hate. That. Word.

Procrastination.

It’s the idea that people have this programme in their minds, that simply ‘puts things off’. As an adult, I have had enough experience to know that putting stuff off never works. The number of sleepless nights I had because I didn’t do work for school or college, and it was deadline time. It was not good. But still, all these years later, I leave everything to the last minute. It is one thing that annoys me about myself.

But, when I think about it, or chat to friends about it, they procrastinate too. No matter what it is, people can feel like they can’t be bothered. It made me think, that maybe procrastination is natural. That, if people had the choice, they would love to just watch funny videos on YouTube all day. But they can’t. People have to function, and sometimes trying to function knowing those funny videos are out there is hard. You have to show discipline. You have to make effort. And sometimes, no one wants to make effort.

Maybe we need to be easier on ourselves. Understand that everyone gets to where they can’t be bothered. And we need to either push through it, or decide it is not important enough. I think that is what I want to come of trying to commit more. That if there is something, that isn’t worth ‘pushing through’ the distractions, then I shouldn’t do it. Quite hard to know when to let something go though.

Sometimes it would be nice if life had a guidebook like the Computer Games do.

Animaniac

January 9, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I think I will never really grow up. After all these years, I still love a cartoon. Especially the cartoons I watched when I was wee. I think there is a huge feeling for nostalgia right now, covered in all the media. As if, someone somewhere, feels the need to make the rest of us feel unnecessarily old.

But as I said above, I still love older cartoons, so (in the midst of writer’s block) here is a wee top 10 list of my favourites.

1) TaleSpin

2)Animals of Farthing Wood

3) The Silver Brumby

4) Chip N Dale’s Rescue Rangers

5) Aladdin: the Series

6) The Rugrats

7) Aaahh! Real Monsters

8) Hong Kong Phooey

9) My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

10) Daria

This choice was harder than I thought it would be, but it was nice revisiting some I hadn’t looked at in years. So, reader, distract yourself for a minute longer and tell me your favourite cartoon. It can be from now or from your childhood. Let’s be distracted together.

Gym Bunny

January 8, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today marked my first gym visit of 2017. I had a wee break at the tail end of last year, with the busy period at my work, and then Christmas. I can honestly say, that I missed the good feeling that I get from an hour or so working out. It is almost like I can be a different person, a less stressed, happier person.

I started going to the gym in May last year, after my work advertised a good deal with the local leisure center trust. There was no contract, so I thought I would try it out. I have wanted to go to the gym for years, but I was so scared. I am not the smallest of people, weight wise, I never have been, so I was really nervous about going to the gym. I think I always thought that people would be mean, like what I have experienced at other places. Something that has made me feel so stupid, and useless before. Total strangers thinking it is okay to berate me as they pass, because I am overweight. Not a nice feeling.

But, I pushed through my negative feelings for a change. And I went. And I discovered that there were people, just like me, using the facilities. Sounds stupid, but I think it is easy to assume that the only people who use gyms and such, are people who are already fit. Which is not true. It is people who want to better themselves, whatever their physical state. And, when I started exercising, I felt so much better. It felt like, all those anxieties that I felt upon initially walking into the gym, just went away. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an addictive feeling, and I started to go regular. I would spent time at the gym on my days off, and it really effected my mood.

I have been a wee bit stressed out this week, so I thought that I would take the opportunity with my quiet weekend, to get back into the gym. So I went today, and that great feeling came rushing back to me. Which has been a real boost to keep on track with my plans for the year, and forming new habits. Although, doing exercise was initially to get me fitter, it has been the improvement in my mental health that has kept me so interested. The shift of my goal from weight-loss to focusing on feeling better, was a game changer. It also meant that when I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, I wasn’t disheartened. To be able to commit to things better, like I am aiming for 2017, I need to shift perspective on my goals. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do that.

January 7, 2017January 6, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I find myself getting a lot of headaches at the moment. Nothing too serious, just a pain that lingers for a few days, brought on by anxiety. Sounds strange, but sometimes I get myself so worked up, I get this pressure in my head, and it is a struggle to rid of. It can make me so irritable. So, I’ve been looking at things to help me rid myself of these headaches, and thought I would post a few things that seem to help.

Drink Water- Now, this seems very obvious, but sometimes a big reason as to why our headaches linger on, is because we are dehydrated. I have always tried to drink a lot of water, as I genuinely like it, but sometime I do forget. Especially when I am working, and run off my feet. I have so many things to do, I simply don’t stop. And drinking water, although it is a simple thing, it is easy to forget about it till you feel sick or rundown. Try to drink about 2 litres of water in a normal day, but more if you are running around, busy.

pexels-photo-87383

Proper Sleep- Sometimes we can get headaches or become prone to sickness because we do not sleep enough. This is a thing that sounds bizarre, but it really does affects how your body functions. Tiredness, is something that runs hand-in-hand with overworking. Again, like with drinking water, it seems okay to start your day early and finish late. And, short term, your body can cope, but if you do it regularly, then you may find that you become exhausted and run-down. It is recommended that most adults sleep between 7-9 hours a night, though this can be difficult. If you get under 5 hours of sleep a night, it can increase anxiety, energy levels and cause headaches. So try to give your body time to recharge, and have an early night, you should feel a lot better with a healthier sleeping routine.

Eat Healthier- Again, like the points above, this should be a bit of a cliché. But by drinking coffee and eating sugar snacks, we don’t really nourish our bodies right. Yes, they may help give you a burst of energy first thing in the morning, but you may get a feeling of tiredness later in the day. It also can contribute to headaches, as some of these processed, sugar laden foods dehydrate the body. Which if your body is struggling with fatigue, is not a good thing. Good things which can give you a boost, include fruit, vegetables, bowls of cereal (eg bran flakes), and, as said above, lots of water. These are cleaner, and will help your body keep energy throughout the day.

Deep Breathes- This sounds a bit hippy-dippy, but taking your time to breathe properly, does calm our bodies down, and can help reduce the pain of a head ache. I like a step outside and breathing in colder air. It helps wake me up, calm my mind down a little and just takes my mind off any anxiety.

As a person who does get a lot of headaches brought on by stress and anxiety, and I have spent a lot of time looking into stopping the headaches happen. It should work, but as with everything, you have to form new habits, which is rather hard.

Doomed, doomed I tells ya.

January 6, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I have a habit of looking at the bad side of life. Focusing on the uncomfortable stuff that stresses you out, rather than the stuff that makes you happy.

I know that every day is a mixture of positives and negatives, but it is hard to focus on the positive if you can’t get past the negatives. It’s like there are roadblocks everywhere I turn, and I can’t even get to my destination. It is so frustrating.

I said a few days ago, that all I want to do is commit to everything I try to do. But I just don’t know how to commit to something fully, when I can’t find the focus, because my brain is taken up by the bad thoughts.

I need to try and change my perspective on things, but it is hard. I don’t know where to begin. That is a good thing, I guess, that we live in a world where there are unlimited resources on the internet for free. So I guess, I should have a look around. I think it is too easy to think that we know everything, and that we don’t need to learn anything else. But life is about constantly learning, so that we can better ourselves, better our lives. And that is the only way things will get better, to learn new stuff.

Just have to find somewhere to get help, and start making things happen. Hopefully.

A Wish List

January 5, 2017January 4, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am not a typical girl when it comes to shopping. Most times I don’t like it, sometimes I even hate it. Even when I was younger, I would sit outside the shops with my Dad and read a comic. And even now, as an adult, shopping is one of those things I wish I could get someone else to do.
I am pretty good when I am buying stuff for myself, except that I just don’t take long picking things. It’s a bit like, I’ll to an general area for something I need, and I’ll just pick whatever I come to, and that’s it. I can’t be bothered with dithering between shops, trying to find something perfect. Oh no, not me. I get what I want, and then get a coffee. Is that not the best thing about shopping. Eating rubbish and drinking too much coffee?
I do have a bit of a list that I am trying to work through, though. A bit of a shopping list for myself, full of things that I like or that I need.
1)New car- or just any car. Doesn’t have to be new. I passed my driving test in November, and I have yet to get a car. It’s what happens when Christmas gets in the way. I just want an old car, one that will get me from A to B, without putting me in debt.
2) A New Stereo- Yes I still use a stereo, or I did. My old one died at the end of last year, and I have nothing to play my CDs on. Because I am becoming a bit of a vinyl fan, I’d like one with a turntable on it. I have a few options that I am looking at, and it would nice to just listen to music again. Go back to where I would switch my phone and computer off, and just listen to some music and read a good book. Without getting distracted.
3)A Bright Lamp- This sounds strange. But as well as being more productive with writing and drawing, I’d like to make more videos. I like talking to the camera, but being that good lighting isn’t a thing in my room, I need to add some myself.
4) Some new gym gear- I love the gym, and once I get back into going regular in the New Year, I’d like some fresh stuff. Because, last year, I didn’t know how I’d feel about the gym, I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on stuff that I maybe would only use once.
5) Some new clothes- Like good quality shirts, hoodies and patches. I would like to get back into DIYing things again. Especially as it would be cool for all the gigs I have coming up. I feel like a lot of my clothes are old, and I could do with them being refreshed.
6) A Macbook- I have wanted a Mac computer at home for so long. Just because it is something so good at multi-tasking, when I have used one before. Unfortunately, they are very expensive. When I am on my computer, I never do just one thing, so I’d like a computer that could handle that. And I would like a computer that isn’t Windows based, as that system annoys me.
Yes, I certainly do dream big. I think that a car, is the only urgent thing on this list. I really would liked to have got straight in a car after my test, but I couldn’t afford one on my own at that point. And the longer I am leaving it between getting a car and passing my test, I am getting more nervous. That is about 6 weeks since I passed, and I haven’t driven another car since. It is a lot of money, and I don’t want to waste a lot of money on something bad.
I just have to be patient. Though I am worse for that, than I am for shopping.

Not Fight Club

January 4, 2017January 4, 2017 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As I get older, I find I can see the appeal of living alone with cats more and more. Sometimes, I just haven’t got the patience to deal with other people’s rubbish. That’s not saying that if someone has a genuine problem, I wouldn’t be there. Of course I would. It is people’s continual moaning about things. Adults refusing to do their jobs, or bitching about each other, like children.

I think it irritates me so much, because I find myself getting pulled into the middle of disagreements. I make a real effort to try and be on friendly terms with everyone I know, and when someone pulls me into their disagreements, it really triggers my anxiety. I think, this is mostly because I panic if someone takes a dislike to me, for any reason. Because of this, I hate getting pulled into any conflict, and that is what happens if people bitch about one another. It is a situation, where I stress out too much.

I think that every person should be looking for ways to improve themselves, even if it is just to make their own life more enjoyable. We are on this planet for a relatively short time, so we should make sure that we have a good time whilst we can. There is so much negative things occurring, that are completely out with our own control, so maybe we should try and make the bits we can control a wee bit better.

Of course, there will always be situations that annoy us. Times that make us bang our head against the closest wall in frustration. But I guess you have to try and change your thinking. If someone wants to ruin their day by complaining about things or people, let them. They may need to let out their frustrations. If that is the case, then there would be no ill-meaning behind anything, they may still like that person, it is just that they did one thing which was irritating, People are irritating, we do have a special way in annoying one another. Sometimes people can be best of friends, other times they can irritate one another. It is just how things are. No two people are going to agree with absolutely everything.

I think that is where I struggle. I can understand that people can have their own thoughts and opinions, and can maybe clash with one another. I just don’t like clashing. The fear of conflict, the idea that things could escalate, and people could ‘fall out’. It is like I jump the gun. I don’t particularly dislike anyone, and I don’t feel comfortable that a conflict could arise when I haven’t actually done anything. I am a bit scared that I will end up being the ‘bad person’, and that is something I don’t like. I haven’t ever intentionally hurt anyone, and the idea that I could hurt someone, stresses me out.

Maybe getting a wee flat and a lot of cats is a good idea. Animals just seem a lot more straight-forward than people. If anyone needs me, I will be searching for my new life of spinsterhood.