Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Finding Footing Again

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After yesterday’s non-starter, I kind of used today as a fresh start. I become better at dealing with things, if I don’t dwell on them. Which is hard, but it is something done with baby steps.

So, whereas I spent all day watching anime, and barely moving from my bed. Human contact was something I could not deal with at all. So, whilst I automatically switched on the TV again, I used the episode endings as time to do something. So one episode finished I’d go get dressed. Very silly and dragged out to some, but it actually worked. Slowly I got up, and did something with my day. That something was just nipping into town, but it was better than nothing.

The days after a really bad period are pretty slow. Something intentional, to kind of move forward slowly, rather than not at all. It is a method I have learnt over time. If I try to throw myself into things too much, I just end up back at square one, as if bouncing of an invisible wall.

Sometimes it is easier to focus on failure, and this ability to lose control of how I feel. I try to get the idea in my head of wasting time, which pushes me to move forward. I can be stubborn sometimes, and I certainly think that has helped me with dealing with my mental health. But being stubborn can also backfire, when I am feeling low and am too set in my mind, that I won’t even try to get up.

But as those worldly philosophers Timon and Pumbaa do say ‘you have to leave your past, behind you’.

Hakkuna Matata!

Lost Day

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Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.

I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.

When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I  don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.

Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.

Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct,  but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.

It’s complicated. And I hate it.

But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.

The Best Time

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It’s been one of those weeks. A slow week, where time just seems to progress so slowly, that time seems to go backwards occasionally.

The only thing about getting through a slow week, is the relief when that working week is over. As soon as you walk out the doors of your work, it can be good knowing that moment is the longest possible time before you have to go back.

It’s not that I hate my work, I actually do enjoy it. Great people, the job can be varied and it is a way to pay the bills. However, having a period of free time ahead of you is better than working. Yes, everyone knows it. Unless you are one of the lucky few, who works their ‘dream job’. But i don’t. I work in a warehouse. It’s surprising that I find it good. No grumpy customers, no sales incentives, it is nice.

But the weekend is here. And that is time to visit friends. Go to the gym. Spend time with family. Just do the things that make me happy. And that is a requirement.

Sing a Happy Happy Song

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I am totally back into being all happy and in love with art again. Which, for the record, makes me happier than anything.
I feel so lucky to be able to work all my frustrations out by drawing or painting. It is a great feeling.

I still do get my good and bad days, where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry, but I have my coping mechanism. A lot of people don’t have anything as a release.

Another thing I obviously have as a release is music, I love music. It inspires me so much, but on days like today, I left my headphones at home. So no music home on the bus. It is so frustrating, as it kind means I can sometimes be wound up by work by the time I get home. Music takes that away.

The Saving Problem

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I read a thing somewhere last week, where by the age of 30, a person should have at least 3 months of their pay in a savings account. Safe to say, that at 32, I have nowhere near that much saved. I probably have made wrong choices, but I am trying to change my ways.

I have always had a problem with money. Live more ‘in the moment’ rather than ‘save for a rainy day’. Which in hindsight is not the best way to live. When I started having problems with my mental health, I would get satisfaction buying useless things. Like it gave a sense of control, which sounds silly really. But it’s true, especially when an illness like depression can take away all control from you.

The problem with depression, that it is something that never really goes. It leaves behind scars and bad habits. And those bad habits can take a long time to beat. So, baby steps are needed. I am plan better, plan outgoings and incomings. It’s new. But, part of dealing with mental problems is actually properly working to get control of things. Or try, anyway.

Multi Media Viewing

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I am sitting at home right now, Eastenders is playing in the background as I write this post. And, this happens all the time. I spend a lot of time with the TV on, whilst browsing twitter or checking news articles. There isn’t a lot of programmes that can keep my attention.

This isn’t anything new. A lot of people have the same problem, it is so hard to focus just one thing. I mean, even my mum sits with the TV on, whilst playing Candy Crush on her phone. It works in other ways, how many people read a newspaper or book with the TV on in the background. It does effect how we can view things such as movies. I have about a 30 minute limit to get ‘into’ a film, if I am not interested then I simply get bored.

It is something I want to combat. Like put my phone away more, and simple relax, enjoy one thing at a time. So
I can pay attention to programmes and films better. The only things I watch with all my attention are subtitled anime episodes. I think that is because you have to read as well as watch, you don’t pay attention and you miss what happens. At the moment, I am watching Naruto Shippuden. I watched the dubbed version of some of the series years ago, but the voices annoyed me. A big issue I have with a lot of English dubbed anime
series. But I am getting more into the ones with subtitles, as the original voices are less annoying, and as said reading what happens takes all my attention. It’s easier to stay focused.

Running On Empty

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I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.

Milestone

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Today I finished work as normal and got a wee congratulatory message from WordPress about having 200 people subscribed to this very blog. It feels pretty big, but it also made me wonder about a few things.

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It made me think about how useful milestones can be. I guess, the most common thing they are used for, is to be a target. To have something significant that you can work towards. It is really useful, and is used in everything from school education to weightloss to saving money. And having a goal is a proven motivational tool. Or it can be.

I have a lot of experience at setting goals and doing nothing to achieve them. These targets are usually something I do really want, but I just get a little over-eager in planning things. Like I’ll get so far, and then I’ll just give up. Because whilst my target is there, it begins to feel like I make a lot of effort and I’m no further in reaching my goal. Over time, I have learnt I work better with smaller goals. Wee bits at a time.

For example, I have tried a lot of monthly blogging challenges in the past, and I have failed them all. I made a change this year, and tried to simply post something every day. No end goal in focus, just the short termed goal. And it has worked, we are nearly at the end of January, and I was able to post something every day. Because the goal was more achievable, it was easier to get a momentum going.

It is nice when your smaller goals, do add up to a bigger milestone. It’s a satisfactory feeling. There are 200 people following this blog, and that feels pretty special. This blog has been about expressing myself, and that is about it. Other than posting regularly, there has been no real targets for me. It’s all fairly natural.

Thank you to anyone who has followed this blog over the years. I appreciate that you took the time to take a wee bit of interest in whatever nonsense I ramble about. ❤