Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Sing a Happy Happy Song

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I am totally back into being all happy and in love with art again. Which, for the record, makes me happier than anything.
I feel so lucky to be able to work all my frustrations out by drawing or painting. It is a great feeling.

I still do get my good and bad days, where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry, but I have my coping mechanism. A lot of people don’t have anything as a release.

Another thing I obviously have as a release is music, I love music. It inspires me so much, but on days like today, I left my headphones at home. So no music home on the bus. It is so frustrating, as it kind means I can sometimes be wound up by work by the time I get home. Music takes that away.

The Saving Problem

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I read a thing somewhere last week, where by the age of 30, a person should have at least 3 months of their pay in a savings account. Safe to say, that at 32, I have nowhere near that much saved. I probably have made wrong choices, but I am trying to change my ways.

I have always had a problem with money. Live more ‘in the moment’ rather than ‘save for a rainy day’. Which in hindsight is not the best way to live. When I started having problems with my mental health, I would get satisfaction buying useless things. Like it gave a sense of control, which sounds silly really. But it’s true, especially when an illness like depression can take away all control from you.

The problem with depression, that it is something that never really goes. It leaves behind scars and bad habits. And those bad habits can take a long time to beat. So, baby steps are needed. I am plan better, plan outgoings and incomings. It’s new. But, part of dealing with mental problems is actually properly working to get control of things. Or try, anyway.

Multi Media Viewing

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I am sitting at home right now, Eastenders is playing in the background as I write this post. And, this happens all the time. I spend a lot of time with the TV on, whilst browsing twitter or checking news articles. There isn’t a lot of programmes that can keep my attention.

This isn’t anything new. A lot of people have the same problem, it is so hard to focus just one thing. I mean, even my mum sits with the TV on, whilst playing Candy Crush on her phone. It works in other ways, how many people read a newspaper or book with the TV on in the background. It does effect how we can view things such as movies. I have about a 30 minute limit to get ‘into’ a film, if I am not interested then I simply get bored.

It is something I want to combat. Like put my phone away more, and simple relax, enjoy one thing at a time. So
I can pay attention to programmes and films better. The only things I watch with all my attention are subtitled anime episodes. I think that is because you have to read as well as watch, you don’t pay attention and you miss what happens. At the moment, I am watching Naruto Shippuden. I watched the dubbed version of some of the series years ago, but the voices annoyed me. A big issue I have with a lot of English dubbed anime
series. But I am getting more into the ones with subtitles, as the original voices are less annoying, and as said reading what happens takes all my attention. It’s easier to stay focused.

Running On Empty

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I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.

Milestone

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Today I finished work as normal and got a wee congratulatory message from WordPress about having 200 people subscribed to this very blog. It feels pretty big, but it also made me wonder about a few things.

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It made me think about how useful milestones can be. I guess, the most common thing they are used for, is to be a target. To have something significant that you can work towards. It is really useful, and is used in everything from school education to weightloss to saving money. And having a goal is a proven motivational tool. Or it can be.

I have a lot of experience at setting goals and doing nothing to achieve them. These targets are usually something I do really want, but I just get a little over-eager in planning things. Like I’ll get so far, and then I’ll just give up. Because whilst my target is there, it begins to feel like I make a lot of effort and I’m no further in reaching my goal. Over time, I have learnt I work better with smaller goals. Wee bits at a time.

For example, I have tried a lot of monthly blogging challenges in the past, and I have failed them all. I made a change this year, and tried to simply post something every day. No end goal in focus, just the short termed goal. And it has worked, we are nearly at the end of January, and I was able to post something every day. Because the goal was more achievable, it was easier to get a momentum going.

It is nice when your smaller goals, do add up to a bigger milestone. It’s a satisfactory feeling. There are 200 people following this blog, and that feels pretty special. This blog has been about expressing myself, and that is about it. Other than posting regularly, there has been no real targets for me. It’s all fairly natural.

Thank you to anyone who has followed this blog over the years. I appreciate that you took the time to take a wee bit of interest in whatever nonsense I ramble about. ❤

Sketchbook

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Since I was little I have kept sketch books full of drawings, diary entries and cut-outs. It’s always been a good way to be creative and work out some anxieties that I may have.

The only problem is, that as life gets busier and I get older, it becomes harder to focus on drawing and stuff. For example. My current sketch book was started about 2 and a half years ago. Which is quite bad. Considering there was a time that I could go through a sketch book every few months.

I am trying to say to myself, that it doesn’t matter how much I do. It matters more, that I am doing anything. Because I look at how little I have done and I feel bad, guilty almost, that I haven’t been doing as much as I maybe would have liked.

But in the last few days I have filled 4 pages with doodles, and it’s kind of motivated me again. So, I thought I would post some of the bits and pieces from previous pages of my sketchbook and try and push myself on further.

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It’s covered

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I am one of those people who can’t have a simply plain notebook. I need to have it personalised, to show a bit of character. For book covers I like them to be covers in a mosaic style. Like below.

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When I was younger, that involved printing pictures off the Internet, or cutting them out of magazines. Gluing them onto my book cover. I was feeling a bit bored with my most recent diary, so I ordered stickers off Amazon, and spent a wee bit of time, covering my book.

It was really fun and relaxing. Something I am needing to do more of. And it is something very simple.