Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Water-proof

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As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking to get healthier. It has become clear, that to get anything that I want, I need to really fight for it. This is something that probably seems a really obvious thing, that you have to go and get anything you want in life. When you have times where you can barely get up out of bed, no matter what is happening, it is hard to think you have to fight more than you already do.

But this is a different kind of fighting. It is fighting for yourself, rather than against. It’s about daring to think about the future, rather than being focused on the past. Which is easier said than done. Most of my problems from anxiety, come from relying on negative past experiences shape how I believe things will turn out in the future. It is something that I do subconsciously, and the resulting behaviour has been going on for years.

Trying to make my outlook more positive is difficult, and it feels like learning something completely new. Something that can be very scary, especially when it is about things such as your own behaviour. I do better when i try to do things bit-by-bit. For example, I have been feeling bloated at work, and i usually drink diet coke at breaks. Which tastes nice, but it isn’t very good for you. So I have a new water bottle, which I will drink from all day. I don’t take money with me down on the shop floor, so I am not buying crisps or anything

Drinking water should be the most natural thing in the world, but it is quite hard to drink more of it. When you try to drink more water, you start to realise how much crap you drink through a day. And, in this journey to becoming healthier, I think that paying attention to what I eat and drink is a good thing. Whilst I feel a lot better already, in drinking just water, I do need to pee a lot more.

Big issue?

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I have always been chubby. Since I was little, I was short and stocky, like a wee rugby player. As a kid, it never bothered me. Everyone was differently shaped, so it didn’t matter.

As you grow up, looks tend to define more than anything else. People judge on what they see, not the person. I am kind, friendly, I always try to be a good person, but it’s not enough. I realise that my anxiety is a massive player in how I feel about myself, but it’s not all. I am overweight. And I have been for a long time.

Every attempt I have made to better myself has been met with jokes and sneers. Food has been a way to comfort myself when I felt bad. So food is a contentious issue. And when people laugh at the choice I make, the baby steps to try and make myself better, it’s hard not to take it personally. I don’t expect that trying to be honest with myself to be a joke for other people.

Last week I signed up for weightwatchers online, again. It is difficult for me to go to meetings, both getting the time, and mentally, so online is easier for me. It’s really easy to talk to people who are experiencing similar things. Its nice to speak to people who kind of show support and belief. Something I don’t get from anywhere else. I think it is easier to speak to people you don’t really know. And I don’t know why.

It’s the start of a new journey for me. And if you want to laugh at what I eat, make me explain my choices whilst you make jokes at my expense, you can go away. I am not a source of comedy for morons. I have no time for your negativity anymore.

Pure Ragin’

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Do you ever get hit with a wave of anger? One where you just seem to get irrationally angry. Which makes you want to shout and get irrationally angry at nothing. When I get like that, how I feel seems valid, at that time. As soon as the time passes, I do feel daft, a bit like a wee kid, who stamps their feet and whines, when they don’t get their own way.

It tends to happen in places like work, where little insignificant things seem to get ‘blown up’ to be an almost life and death level of seriousness. It suddenly becomes very important that someone is taking the best work for themselves, leaving other workers with rubbish. Like, in a normal setting, my brain knows that all the work has to be processed, so just focus on doing the best you can with what you have. But when I am in  that work setting, where everything is exaggerated, there is no rational thought. Things seem personal, as if someone is trying to stop you from doing their job. They aren’t they are just making the best opportunity for themselves.

Sometimes, I think I need to remind myself to take a ‘step away’, to go and cool down. Which is easier said than done.

 

via Daily Prompt: Tantrum

Under The Weather

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This is one of these days where I wish I had stayed in bed. I am still suffering with the end of a cold, which gives me a god awful cough, that makes me sound like a 20-a-day smoker. I’m not. I just get a bad cough when every get ‘blocked up’ with the cold. Every time, without fail. But because I do a lot of coughing, my temperature goes up, which is natural. But having an iffy temperature, whilst working in a building which is like a sauna half the time, is not a great experience. Just have to plod on, though.

Because I get so run down when I am feeling like this, I think it is important to do wee things to help make you feel better. Things that give comfort as well as relax you. So, I thought I’d give a wee list of what makes me feel better.

  • Curling up in bed. When you don’t feel so great, it is a good idea to try and find a place where the temperature is constant. Cuddling up in my duvet after a draining day, never fails to help me relax.
  • A good boxset. I am not the best at watching box-sets. I tend to watch a bit, forget to go back and watch more, and then have to start again because I forget what happens. I am currently watching Grey’s Anatomy on Amazon Prime, but it is supposed to be leaving. Something that is very easy to watch, which is what I find Grey’s Anatomy. Though it does make me cry. A lot.
  • Loud Music. Music has had a relaxing effect on me for as long as I can remember. I usually listen to different music depending on my mood. But I have been exhausted and sore the last week or so, there has been too options. Punky stuff, where they are a bit ‘f*$k the world’, as I usually feel done with everything. Or it can be something with a good beat, something that i can play loud in my headphones to drown out everything else. That is usually some metal music, like Cannibal Corpse.

I also usually gorge myself on crisps and such, but I that is something I am trying to stop. I want to get healthier. Hopefully eating better food, will help my immunity and mean less colds and coughs. Hopefully.

Avoidance

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What do you do when something bad happens? Something outwith your control.

I panic. I get myself so worked up over things, that I end up stressed out beyond belief. The thing is, what I am usually stressing over, is never worth the stress. But, that is easy to say, difficult to do, I seem to jump to a completely irrational over-reaction over things.

And, because I am assuming the worst possible scenario, it becomes easier to ignore the problem, rather than deal with it. Logic tells me, that things are always easier, in the long run, if they are dealt with then and there. But sometimes, logic has no place in my thoughts, as my brain starts running a mile a minute in the wrong direction.

If the world was going to end, rather than do things, I’d probably just sit and pretend everything was normal. And then have the audacity to complain when it all goes wrong.

Trying to understand your own behaviour is really hard.

Holiday is over

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I have been pretty quiet on here for the best part of a month. This was a break I felt that I needed. Sometimes, it can be very easy to be pulled into what is online, very deep. I think social media is a lot worse than sites like wordpress, but the attachment is there. Everything is always updating and switched on, and as a person whose mental switch is kind of half on/half off most the time, it can be extremely draining.

bridge
Liberty Bridge, Budapest, Hungary

In me and my friend booked a holiday to Budapest, in Hungary. We go away to meet Scotland fans once a year, or so. It was a friendly, so there wasn’t as much fans as there usually was. But it was just what I needed. I went away for a week, but was off work for two. I went back to work last week, and decided to go back into things in a slow manner.

So, today, after much delay, I opened up the computer and did what I needed to do. The biggest thing was studying, although the course started back last week, I had been feeling a bit hesitant about going on. I think the biggest reason is that the start of the unit is focused on binary conversions and scientific theory, which honestly is pickling my brain. I do get it, eventually, but it is hard work. Especially for someone who hasn’t really done maths since High School. Hopefully I get used to it.

Sometimes, I think the worst thing about taking time off from anything, is having to get back to business again. I like being busy, but sometimes it is good to take time off.

If It’s Real, Then I Don’t Want To Know

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Life is full of ups and downs. And it is strange, because whether you decieve a particular moment as either ‘up’ or ‘down’ comes from what is going on inside your own head. If you are having a bad day, very little will overcome that feeling, and you will focus on the bad stuff. However, if you are in a good mood, you pick the more positive things, and can swipe the negative to the side.

I think it is very strange that our belief on what is going on in the world, is based on our own perception, which is based on our own emotions. I obviously am not in any way a psychologist, but I sometimes think about that stuff. It obviously is something that happens when I am feeling a little reflective and more positive. When I am down, I tend to feel like that everything is collapsing on top of me, so I don’t really tend to think about anything else.

Sometimes, thinking about anything is a bit hard, to be honest. Which is why it is so easy to lose yourself in a book, movie or TV series. It can feel better to live through a fictional life, than living your own. That is something that is really sad, but it is true. These fictional worlds become a way of coping, even escaping from your own life for a short time. And, that respite, may be all a person needs to get back on form.

#Gettheinsideout

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Over the last month or so, Mental Health UK and Lloyd’s Bank have partnered up for an advertising campaign to promote speaking up about mental health. 1 in 4 of the UK population suffer from mental health issues every single year. That is a lot of people suffering in silence.The campaign included people writing the hashtag #gettheinsideout on a post it, sticking on their head, and taking a selfie to post Instagram or other social media sites. It’s aim is to get people talking, which is always a good thing.

Now, I don’t really like taking pictures of myself, so I didn’t know how to ‘take part’. I feel that speaking about mental health is very important, and that it really does need to stop being this thing, that people hide away. Because I write a lot about my mental health on here, I decided that this would be the perfect place to write about the campaign, and highlight it to people who may not know it exists.

I suffered in silence with depression for a very long time. I only sought medical advice from my GP, when I  was in my mid-20s. I was put on medication, and really struggled. I went to the GP because I was scared. I had started punishing myself with food, pretending it was control, when I scoffed down 5 packets of crisps in a row. I had also started thinking that life wasn’t worth it. Life was a big problem, and I cried on the phone to Samaritans on more than one occasion. I knew I needed help, but I was to embarrassed to speak to anyone in person. Eventually the people at Samaritans convinced me to contact my GP, to see someone. I actually dodged my first appointment, claiming I forgot, but I tried again and stuck to the appointment. It was actually nice to have someone listen and not make me feel guilty about how I was thinking. I was put on some anti-depressants and given some places to turn to.

You may not feel like talking helps, I still struggle with it. But there are other ways that you can express how you are feeling. I write my feelings, because it is easier for me. What is important, is realising that you are not at fault. It is something in your brain, but it doesn’t make you any less of a person. When you speak to people, you will be surprised at how many people will say they feel the same. You are not on your own, and whether you call a helpline, write it out or speak to a friend, you will always find support somewhere. And if someone turns to you, listen and be there. Sometimes that is all that is needed.

Helplines

Samaritans- 116 123

NHS 24- 111

Breathing Space- 0800 83 85 87

SANE- 0300 304 7000

 

Lone Ranger

~ Sue ~ 3 Comments

I like my own company. I go for lunch myself, I spend entire days were I don’t really speak to anyone else. It’s good for my mental health a lot of the time, because I can focus on what suits me. But sometimes, you need other people. You need someone to vent to as you fail at something for what feels like the hundredth time.

The problem is, that if people think you are used to being on your own, and pulling yourself through whatever shit life throws at you, they leave you alone. People assume that you are the way you are, because you want to be like that. That you don’t need help. Everything that I do, is something I do to help me cope. I listen to music loud on the bus, because I can panic when I am around that many people I don’t know. I do stuff that occupies my brain, as it stops me from thinking too much.

The more you spend on your own, the harder it gets to speak to people about problems. No one person can do everything on their own. It’s great being independent, but don’t be afraid to ask up. People may assume you are ‘fine’, the only way they’d know you aren’t, is if you tell them.

Messy (Daily Prompt)

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Never has a word fitted me more than the word, messy.

Messy is my head. Messy is my bed. Messy is my life.

Nothing ever seems to be in any order. And usually when I try to organise ‘things’ into some kind of order, I make things worse. Now, I know, that people say that things tend to get worse before they get better. But that doesn’t really help. Not when I find myself struggling to function without changing things. It’s almost like those old cartoons where a leak comes in, and by trying to stop it, another starts, and then another. It doesn’t take much for things to fall apart. After all, one person can only do so much.

I have too many things jammed in my closet. But to clear out the closet, every item, every bad decision, every failure has to come to the fore. Every thing begs for attention, and when you have been papering over the cracks, those things can make those cracks start to crumble away. Within an instant, it can feel like those battles you have been fighting, for most of your life, are lost all at once. It is insanely difficult to recover from that.

via Daily Prompt: Mess