Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Ups And Downs

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When I speak about my health issues, especially related to my mental health, people always become judgemental. It often is something that just happens, they haven’t set out to make someone feel bad. It’s just a thing that happened.

When I am with friends, family, or doing something I enjoy, I may be smiling and joking around. Something I do because I feel comfortable in the situation I am in. And because I am laughing with people, doesn’t mean I don’t go home afterwards, and critique everything that I had said, that day. Usually noting that I am stupid, and that people only hang around me because they feel bad I am so stupid.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it’s like a punch in the gut. It feels awful, and actually affects how I feel about a time I originally enjoyed.

It is hard to try and combat these feelings as is, without people saying that the anxiety that I have, that causes me to react to such things do negatively, is fake. People have said, to my face, that I am making things up for attention. Which makes thing worse.

You never know what someone else is going through, so it’s always good to be kind. And, people just want to understand their own mind, so that they can deal with things better in their day-to-day lives. That’s all.

Just A Weight

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So, I have been struggling. My health, both mental and physical, have been absolutely rotten. I feeling like I am treading water, just doing enough to stay afloat.

I have been doing things, socially, and these moments are highlights. But after every night out, every occasion, i always end up analysing everything that happened. I just seem to seek out anything bad. It is not anything that I do consciously, it just happens when I go over everything that occurred. I don’t just think ‘oh, we went to that bar’. It is more, ‘we went to that bar, and then I said this and it was so stupid’. And I focus on the bad feeling.

This happens all the time. Where I feel bad over nothing, and I then fear that I will then ruin things for other people. Sometimes, it is easier to just spend time on my own. That way the only person I annoy is myself. I feel for people who try to be friends with me, because I really am useless.

Prompt Time

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What job would you do for free?

I’ve already done the job I would do for free, for free. Well, it was ‘work experience’. You know, that thing where workplaces use students for free labour? Yeah. That.

The job would be working in the Vet practice again. It was so great, and I felt like I was doing something that actually served a purpose. Which is different from my current job.

I was training to be a Veterinary Nurse, and had to give it up, because the cost of assessments and stuff was just too expensive. Which is pretty depressing. But I did love the experience. Getting to help people’s pets, as well as wildlife. It was so good. I’d really like to get back into some kind of animal care, even as a volunteer.

I’ve really noticed how much I miss being around animals, since we lost the family dog and my cat. No one is at home enough to get another pet, so I haven’t any for years. Animals are so grateful towards people being kind to them.

I might actually look at volunteering opportunities, see if any animal charity needs help. Would be easier to find somewhere if I had a car, but I’ll just have to try with what I can get to by bus. Hopefully there is something out there.

At This Age…

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As of this week, I am officially into the last years of my 30s. Birthdays are not as fun as they used to be, I actually find them to be rather depressing. Which, sounds stupid, because getting older is a privilege that not every person gets. However, this doesn’t make my feelings about it go away.

Birthdays act like a bookmark, where a person can review the last year of their life, and gage how successful it has been. Personally, I am in the same job, I no longer have a car, my health is still crap, and I still haven’t got a place on my own. I just feel like a failure, which is something I feel a lot. Everyone else in my life has progress, a new job, new house, relationships, something. I actually feel like I am going backwards.

I would like my 40s to start of better than my 30s. To do that I need to prioritise things. The two big things is money, and my health.

I am going to move money around my bank accounts, try and build my savings. Because I have very little. I also, have to pay things like my computer off. And save money every week. I am going to try and get some overtime at work, because that extra helps me build my bank balance quicker. Whilst overtime can’t be relied on, it will be a great help.

As for my health, I need to focus more on what I eat. I think the most successful thing for me has been calorie counting, but I am bad at constantly tracking all my food. I don’t really know how to deal with that, but I have been trying to learn about the biology behind calories and what our body does with them. I think, I have a dodgy metabolism due to eating poorly in the past, mostly due to fad diet plans.

I saw an advert recently on social media, which posed the question ‘what would happen if you worked on yourself exclusively for 6 months’. Maybe it’s a good idea. Focus some time on it. So 6 months is October, so maybe I shall re-evaluate there.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
View all responses

I always wish that I was able to deal with things better. I have never been good at dealing with bad stuff as it comes up, and have a habit of burying my head in the sand. That, of course, never fixes anything, and things often start to snowball out of control.

I have this problem with my anxiety, where it’s like my thought process is, ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not happening’. Which is obviously stupid, if I were to think logically. But, logic doesn’t come into play when my mind is in anxiety mode. It is so frustrating, because sometimes, by the time I get my act together, it’s too late. I have already made a mess, I can’t recover at all. So, I fail, which is one of the big triggers for my anxiety, this constant sense of failure. So, as you can imagine, it becomes very easy to spiral out of control. Where, I don’t return messages, don’t do task I need to do, don’t make appointments. It is like I am functioning, but barely enough to get by.

However, I have spent the last 15 years or so, trying different things to ‘fix it’, but nothing works. I think I need to accept that my brain will add 1 + 1 and get 3, and find a way to work around it. I need to think of a way, a plan, that I can action when I can feel ‘that feeling’. If I notice myself ignoring messages, I have a plan. Because all that happens is that I feel guilty, and then don’t want to deal with the thing I didn’t do, because I feel like the longer I delay, the less times I can let people down. Or not, trying to explain my thinking when I don’t understand it half the time, is hard.

Understanding Absence

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This blog has been abandoned over the last while. I say ‘while’ because I have neglected this site for a long time. I have barely posted, and the posts that I do post seem to go round in circles. It is frustrating, because I started blogging to try and help sort my mind out. Because, my mind is a muddled mess, full of forgotten appointments, half-done tasks, barely started potential new hobbies, with a topping of self-hatred. It really is the most delightful place.

Whilst writing was something that I did routinely, at some point, it has become ‘just another task’, that sits beside making my bed, doing laundry, and the other things that are left undone. I can find myself staring at my bedroom wall, whilst lying on my bed, just stuck. A feeling made worse, when my arthritis is playing up. Lack of movement means pain, and when I feel mentally ‘off’, it feels impossible to even sit up in bed. Because to be able to deal with physical pain, you need to have the mental strength to push through. Without it, everything just feels impossible, almost too hard.

It is tiring. At this point, it feels like I am made to fail. That everything I hoped, once upon a time, has not happened. Yes, I laugh and do things, but they are tape holding things together. And not the Gorilla Glue tape. More the 5 rolls for £1 from Poundland, where the only thing it sticks to is itself. I am exhausted. I work hard, but I know I am not always doing my best because I just feel weighed down. And, because I struggle, I assume that everyone around me knows it, and judges me for it. Like, I am letting folk down all the time.

I have been looking at ways to try and improve things, but it feels impossible. Everything seems to be ignored unless it jumps right out at me. I just don’t know where to begin.

Things I like: Neale Mathieson-Welcome To The Solar System

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Firstly, I seem to have lost the ability to create anything legible, so this post is over a month late. There has been about 4 drafts, which made no sense what-so-ever. This is the problem when you have problems with your brain and your body, with both causing me issues. Anyway, enough with the excuses, let’s get down to business.

Neale Mathieson has started 2023 with the release of his new album Welcome To The Solar System. Neale is a self-published singer-songwriter based in Dunfermline, Fife, and also performs in the band, Segadeth, who do heavy metal video game songs. Which is as great as it sounds. The album, itself, is a great listen, with metal and punk influences, mixed with the sometimes humorous lyrics.

As a fan of music with a ska beat, thanks to my Dad, I loved Going Nowhere. A ska beat, a bit of a synth sound, and lyrics going through how the line between work and play seems to be getting thinner. A problem that came to the forefront as many of us were forced to work from home, and social lives became non-existent. Adulting is another highlight for me, with a heavier, more raw sound, talking about the crap-ness of being a functioning adult. Something that I can definitely resonate with. Of Mice and Madmen, is another highlight. This song is slower, more guitar-driven, showing Neale’s range when creating music. The different sounds that make this album one, creates an experience which surprises the listener.

Busy As A Bee

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Life has been extremely busy recently. Whilst that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it has been proving difficult to get anything done. Well anything that isn’t my work.

I work in a warehouse, and my department is in its annual post-Christmas busy rush. It always feels weird saying that, because most businesses who have retail connections hope for business before Christmas. January is the busiest time of the year, as my department is focused on customer returns. In other words, it is a little crazy. I am working 50 hour weeks, which is leaving me knackered. But that’s not all.

I also have an assessment due in a few weeks for my Uni course. And, due to technical issues over the festive period (my PC died), I have fallen behind. I am learning JavaScript, well, learning bits of JavaScript. It is interesting, and I do love doing it, but it is a LOT of work. I am expected to do 20 hours minimum of studying every week. On top of the 50 hours of work… it feels like there isn’t enough hours in the day.

It is why I feel like everything else has fallen aside, purely because I am exhausted. I haven’t had much time for meeting friends, or do anything social. Which, gets old really fast. It is only temporary. More money means, I can pay my new computer off quicker, and finally get a new car. It is a pain, but it will be worth it.

Things I like :The Bucky Bombs-Bombs Away

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In 2023, I want to start using this blog for a bit more than my constant whining. And, I am going to do that by sharing things that I like. The kind of stuff that makes a person smile or laugh, and forget the mundanity of life, even for just 15 minutes or an hour. These things are what gives us that mental push to carry on with our day. So today, it is Monday, and I couldn’t think of any better way to kick things off, that to talk about something music related.

That music related thing, is Fife band, The Bucky Bombs’ brand new, self-released album, Bombs Away.

The band consist of trio Jim Russell, Alan Yule, and Kyle Duffy, who play their own brand of ‘Fife Melodic Hardcore’. What is that? Well think of the musicality of The Ramones, with a twist of NoFx’s self-awareness, a lot of Buckfast, and references to the Kingdom known as Fife. The music is fun, catchy, and will really put a bounce in your step.

I remember, to my youth, where I would sing along to Rancid, rattling out place names for locations I had no idea about. It always gives me a wee thrill to hear musicians writing songs about places that I actually know, never mind sharing jokes about them. Songs about wanting to leave Cowdenbeath, taking ones love to Kelty beach, and an ode to the Garden City of Rosyth.

Technically the album is superb. The great thing about technology, is that with the right hands, independent albums can be lifted to the same quality as major label releases. And this is where I think this album excels. Between Kyle’s great drumming, Jim’s thumping bass, and Alan’s blinding guitar, everything is worked together masterfully. Everything is smooth, all the instruments have equal footing, and the vocals blend seamlessly, which is where I often find indie recordings can fall down.

Become pals with The Bucky Bombs and find out about upcoming shows here.


Avoidance

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I have lots of university work to do, and as usual, I am skipping around the bits that I am struggling with. Which, with JavaScript, happens quite a lot. I end up doing things that are not the most productive activities. They are normally tasks that need to be done, but ones that are not so important in the grand scheme of things. So what are these things?

  1. Cleaning up my email inbox. I get so many junk emails, every website these days wants your email dress for you to use their service. I have different email addresses, all from different stages of my life. One that I have from when I was younger and created ones with stupid music related names, one a name when I wanted to started my own business, and then one when I needed to have a ‘proper’ email address for work applications. One of my inboxes had over 40,000 emails in it. So in the true spirit of avoidance, I went through deleting them all.
  2. Going through all the guides on how to do things on my new MacBook. As much as I have always wanted an Apple computer, and have used one before, I don’t know all the ins and outs of the system. So, I have been reading the manuals and information so that I actually know how to work it properly. Including all the hacks and shortcuts. I have always owned windows computers, so it is a lot more challenging that I originally believed.
  3. Scrolling through TikTok. As much as it gets flack for being a bad influence on kids, it really is the only social media that makes me laugh. The problem is that the timeline on the app is never ending, so you can be scrolling fGor a long period of time, without really noticing how much time has passed.
  4. Google stupid stuff. Do you know that if you google any of the Friends main character names, you get a wee secret picture or animation? Yeah, looking up random stuff is a thing that can be great fun. Look up a TV show you like, and you click on one thing, then another. I always end up finding out something random and interesting, and it’s quite fun falling down a rabbit hole.
  5. Write a blog post. That is normally what I do when I am stuck, write about something. Distract myself for a wee bit, as writing has always helped me feel a little bit better. It is really therapeutic when things are getting on top of me. And at least that distraction is kind of productive, for once.

When I talk to people I know, avoidance seems to be a problem that everyone deals with. But some people seem to have a bigger problem with it, that others. I, for example, get completely rerouted when I find a distraction, and sometimes find it difficult to get back to the task that I actually need to do. I end up just getting annoyed by myself.