Falling Backwards

I have been trying to get myself organised, get new habits done, and do things for the better. But last week, my ‘new routine’ fell apart. I wasn’t doing any self-care. I wasn’t making lunches. I was rolling out of bed, going to work, and falling asleep on the couch when I got back home. Whilst, hooray, I went to work, and was on time, but that’s the bare minimum. And I feel so shit about it.

I am trying to not let it get to me. But that is easier said than done. I feel like I am in a rut. That I am useless. What is the point in doing anything, because I always fail. It’s all rather pathetic. And I fall, once again, down that spiral of hating myself.

I guess the hardest thing to do, is to get myself out of that habit of berating myself about every failure. Which is hard. I’ve spent large sections of my life being attacked to being overweight, or being a bit socially awkward and saying the wrong thing. I have been made to feel abnormal, hated because of things I haven’t been able to help. I berate myself, because others berate me for my failures. And my life is filled with failure and missed opportunities. It can be so hard to see past it all. It’s easier to give up.

I have been trying to read and consume more inspirational content. Stories of people who overcome difficult situations, situations far more difficult than my own. One of the biggest ideas that keeps being repeated is that the only people who don’t fail, are those who never tried in the first place. Which is supposed to be comforting, but I am not really sure if it is.

At the moment, my aim is to make today better than yesterday. Find reasons to enjoy my day. Whether it’s jobs ticked off my to-do list, or actually doing my habits that I need to do. It might even be going somewhere and being social. It might be reading my book, and actually silencing the constant narrative in my head. I have to have the energy to do that though, and sometimes, I am out of all energy. I can’t fathom doing anything other than function on a basic level.

It’s all about changing my mindset. And that is something that there is a quick fix for. It’s a lifetime of work that is required. And… when you look at it that way, 1 week of not functioning well, isn’t really that big a deal.