Radio Static

There is a constant chittering of noise in my brain. Some would call it ‘white noise’, the kind of noise that allows for intense focus. Except, the racket rattling around inside my head is so loud that it doesn’t allow for any type of focus at all. Which in itself is a headache, especially when you require focus.

When I was younger I used music to drown out the nonsense. The internal monologues that berated every action I undertook, and it was exhausting. So sometimes it became easier to avoid things, to bury my head in the sand. If everything I did was so bad, then why do anything at all. But, this didn’t fix anything. I felt as big a failure in my bed, as I did at my job. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life, I was never able to silence that ‘inner critic’.

To get past this overly critical thing, you have to re-train your brain and how you think. And that is what I have been trying to do over the last few years. Whilst, I am a lot more productive than what I used to be, I still have a very long way be able to believe in myself and what I do 100%. My mental health is still up and down, in general, but I am taking steps to make it better. And that is all that a person can do really. Battle to find an alternative to the static.


Always Learning

There is a problem with education in this country. It has the habit of ruining things which a lot of pupils cam be passionate about. I know that when I was younger, I lost my love of reading, after being forced to write laborious essays and questions on books read during class. I think it was the idea of constantly having my thoughts on novels that I loved critiqued, really sucked any joy out of the reading process for me. 

Over time, my love for reading anything and everything came back to me. I found that I loved reading different types of writing, from formal articles on science to trashy magazines. I love the variety that can be created by the written word. 

As I have gotten older, I have discovered that I do love to learn new things. It was just the formal setup of school, that didn’t agree with me. The biggest problem for me, was, as mentioned above, the constant testing. The constant nagging that you weren’t good enough, just ruined that period of my life. I was beginning to struggle with my mental health, and my grades started to suffer when I couldn’t actually use the things I loved to relax, because I was getting assessed on them 

Now my mental health is a lot better these days, I am trying to make the best of things and try to learn more. I have found a service called Future Learn, which provides free courses online. The courses run from a few weeks, to a couple of months, and are run with the help of many universities from all over the world. The course that I have signed up for, is Community Journalism, which is a 5 week course run by Cardiff University. The course has a variety of steps for every participant to complete every week, with a final test and the option to get a certificate upon completion. The best thing about Future Learn is that there is a wide variety of topics, something for everybody. You can also communicate with people also participating in the course, which means I have the ability to talk to people all over the world. It’s great. 

So, if you are interested in a topic that you would like to study into further, but you maybe don’t have the money to enroll in a course, don’t have the time to study full-time or just want to learn a bit more about something. I recommend that everyone pops onto Future Learn and has a look around and see if there is anything you fancy. Because education is about enlightenment, not examinations.

Blog Your Feelings

I have spoken to quite a few people about the subject of writing a blog. Many people seem to struggle with the concept of writing about personal thoughts on a public forum, when you can’t express it to people in real life. And when I think about that, it does sound fairly strange. But I do have personal experience on why keeping a blog can help a person.

I have been struggling with various things over the last few years, things that are integral to who I am. And I feel that using this blog as a ‘think space’ helps me try and organise my thoughts. And it also is good to look back on, and see any progress that I have made. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like much, but it does help. Particularly when I have a bad depression period, when I struggle to focus on anything other than my failures. It helps to see that sometimes there are better times, and that I can get through it. I find it reassuring.

When I first started blogging, several years ago, I read a lot of other blogs. Blogs which actually provided me with hope and thoughts that I wasn’t as different as I felt. And if you are having problems in life, I think it helps to know that other folk experience similar things to you. And by sharing my own stories, maybe it can help someone else. And I think, as people, that what most folk want to do. Help those who have experienced similar issues to ourselves. And as we search through life to become a better version of ourselves it’s only natural to want to document it.

Or that’s what I think, anyway.

Decreasing Personal Suck

I am sore, in bed and in need of a distraction. And this rambling blog shall be the the task with the duty of giving me something to think about, other than my body wanting to hurt despite all the painkillers I have fed it. *rage* But I am trying to keep upbeat. It isn’t working very well, as you may see.

I am looking to try and change my life for the better. I am very lazy, and don’t do a lot of what I set out to do. I am also very good at complaining about how I never get anything done, despite there being nothing to actually stop me. It’s a very un-productive state I get into, because it just puts me down the ‘shame spiral’ where I belittle myself for not doing anything. And because it is some thing that makes me feel bad about myself, I really need to stop it. I need to stop being so harsh on myself when things don’t go the way I want it to. But that will take time.

I am doing it bit by bit. I have things that I want to do. Things that I want to do to make me better, as a person. I am not saying I am a bad person, but I know that I need to do things to make myself more reliable and such. I have already started, and have bought a diary to try and keep track of everything I need to do. This diary, is going to live in my bag, and go everywhere. I really need to stick to my guns a lot more, and this diary will help me do that. Even if I have to resort to writing little lists on pages, because lists are something that genuinely helps get me motivated to do something.

I am also going to try and sort my nasty eating habits out. Constant take-aways and fizzy juice are good for noone. Yes, have them occassionally, but a person shouldn’t live of these things, as they can seriously effect your mood. Or, they effect my mood. Particularly with Diet Coke, I crave the stuff, and actually go in a bad mood if I can’t actually have some. It’s crazy. But, I do know that if I cut things out completely, I end up failing straight away, and think ‘what’s the point’. I also chose to be a vegetarian a few years back, but have since had periods where I have eaten meat. And it was ethical reasons, so I just made myself feel guilty, and it became another reason to be down on myself.

So tomorrow (Monday) I am starting afresh. One meal, one day at a time. And hopefully, I can get motivated towards my other goals, like being more creative and going to the gym. Just need focus.

Anono-Hate

Maybe it’s because I have been lucky in the past, but recently, for the first time ever, I have been getting anonymous hate on various social networks. Now, I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but I don’t see the point. Isn’t there enough hate in the world, without people giving it to people they don’t even know? I think it’s the fact that people have the time to hate on people they don’t even know, that annoys me. Why would you waste  your time doing this?

The main culprits are Formspring, YouTube and Tumblr, where people sent you hate for no reason. Some show their name, some are anonymous, and to be honest, it’s not that that bothers me. It’s the fact that people are will to pass judgement on people they don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t do that. I mean, as much as I spend a lot of time online, I refuse to spend it hating people I don’t know. But I am like IRL too, I mean, I won’t hate on someone who has treated me nice.

Taking that stance, you’d think that it wouldn’t bother me, but sometimes it does. When you are trying to express yourself, and do things that you genuinely have difficulty doing, and someone just shoots you down without a thought, it hurts. It doesn’t matter whether you know the person or not.

For instance, I have always had issues with how I look. It sounds awful angsty of me, but I do. I have never felt confident about doing anything in public, because I felt embarassed at how I looked. A few people, from various internet communites I take part in, advised me to start a YouTube channel and do a video blog. I did this, and it helped bring my confidence up a lot. And if I’m honest, it helped me learn to speak a little clearer too. Which is all good. Then you get a message from someone saying that they wasted minutes of their lives watching me, and I should die. It was a shock the first time it happened, but it started happening on every video, so I got used to it.

This did me good, because I had to tell myself that these people didn’t know me. I mean, only someone stupid would watch a video labelled ‘Vlog’, and moan because it was someone talking to a camera. *shrugs* I don’t mind if someone wants to comment negatively, and tell me what is wrong, but bitchy hate which is straight out of High School, on the other hand.  But, I did manage to get over the pointless hate, and I still posted what I wanted, and I continued to see my own self-confidence improve.

The next step, was to go on Dailybooth, and take a picture of myself a day, to kinda force me to accept the way I look, which I still hate. Which is cool, I opened up an account a few days ago, and although I still don’t like looking at the pictures, I do anyway. Dailybooth, is a site where you take a picture everyday, and it kind of becomes a photoblog, of sorts. Its a nice idea and it works well, considering I am still new at it. But, as with YouTube, I have already (after 5 days) got hate about me being ugly. Which is nice. Considering I am doing the whole DailyBooth thing because I am trying to get my confidence up about my looks.  I got a bit angry about it, to be honest. Although, I did go to the hater’s profile, and find that he had been getting hate, so he was just relaying that hate to someone else, so I did feel a little better about it.

I dunno, I just don’t understand the whole hate thing, I mean isn’t the world bad enough, without people adding to the misery. Ok, misery is maybe a bit strong, but you know what I mean.

Visit me on Youtube and DailyBooth