Always the imposter

Ever fear that nothing you do is good enough?

I remember when I was at High School, I really liked Blink-182. Never was able to see them live when I was younger (managed in 2010). I liked their songs, but I didn’t buy every piece of merchandise. I didn’t even have every album. I also got Enema of the State by saving up Pepsi can tops, and sending away (I got a small FM radio and Eminem’s The Slim Shady LP the same way). I still taped songs of the radio, and I remember staying up late to tape an interview on a late night rock show, possibly on Radio 1, maybe not. Cutting the lyrics out of Smash Hits magazine. Blink became a defining part of my musical journey, and lead me down the road that lead to heavier bands.

Little Pepsi Radio

I’d go to school, and there would always be that person who was able to collect every offical piece of merch. The one who seemed to prove that I really wasn’t as big a fan as I thought. It was like I felt like I wasn’t good enough. That this thing, this music, that made me so happy, also made me feel real anxiety. This feeling that I didn’t deserve to get such joy from the songs I heard, if I wasn’t the biggest fan.

It feels really stupid writing that down, but it was honestly how I felt at the time. I starting thinking about this when I saw that Blink-182 have this week reunited. They are planning a new tour and a new album. It made me think of how I felt back then, and how, mentally, I have never really moved on.

From people getting their shit together, to folk simply loving life, I can’t help but feel like the existence I am living is unworthy. Like, as if I missed the memo on what helps a person get the most out of life. It’s not like I am not trying, I am. Maybe, it doesn’t seem like I put everything into life, but that’s because it takes so much effort to do what I am able to. I feel like I am undeserving of what I do have. I feel like a total fake, waiting to be found out as the fraud I am.

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