Something different

I’m struggling this week. Don’t know if I am at the start of an illness or if my procrastination is becoming worse. I’m going to say illness, as that sounds better.

Anyway, I have been trying to think of ways to try and living this blog up a little. I love reading other people’s ponderings, but there is no harm in sharing other bits and bobs. I am quite a creative person, and I still draw a lot, as well as playing with video editors for photos and such. I’m not the greatest at these things, but it helps my anxiety when I can focus on something.

This is a wee video I did a while back, and it is random photos from when I went to Budapest in March. This is the kind of thing i welcome as a distraction from my thinking, even though it’s not the best.

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So, I started posting regularly again, by saying that I would post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  You will notice that today is Tuesday, and there was no post yesterday. I’ll be honest, it was a bad day. I had a few panic attacks and ended up spending most of the day with family. Which was nice.

I guess, what I want to say, it is okay to take time out. I still plan on writing 3 posts this week, it is just that 1 post is a day late. You can still be motivated, and not push yourself too hard. Which, is something that is important. Because when you force things, you sometimes end up doing more damage. And, that is the tricky thing. Having to learn the balance between pushing enough to get things done, and pushing past that. It is a difficult balance.

But, it is important to never give up. If you can’t do something, it is okay to side-line it till later. Stuff will still be there for later. And, if it is urgent, speak to people. It is surprising how supportive people are if they know what is going on.

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If I really want something, I don’t like waiting. I want it now. I have always been the same. Sometimes I am like a child whining for dessert, when they still have their dinner to eat first.

I passed my driving test a year and a half ago. I had a car, which was in a crash, so ownership was short lived. Yesterday I got another car, after over 6 months of not driving. Now, I don’t mind the bus, but when it takes me so much longer to get home after a shift, it gets to become an annoyance. The bus fares are constantly going up, where I live, and the services seem to be getting worse.

So I finally got a car yesterday. A wee VW Beetle and I love it. Been for a few drives since I got it, and I am so happy. I have money saved away, to help fix it if anything needs done. Because it is an older car, from 2004. I missed being able to go out for a drive. But part of me still is fearing about another crash, so I think ‘if the car is at home, there can’t be an accident’. I need to get out of that thinking, as I think it is still making me nervous.

But after a few weeks of really bad anxiety, the feeling of something going right, is nice.

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Being ‘You’

Every day, we spend time with people, be it work colleagues, friends, family or even the person who serves you every morning in the super market. And, every person assumes you are being ‘you’, and that is what they judge you.

But, is that really you? There is a school of thought which believes that the way you act towards a person, goes of what you want to be perceived as. That a person is completely multi-faceted and isn’t the same person towards everyone. When thinking of this, I have a look at myself. I always try to be honest, and have an ideal of treating others the way I want to be treated, myself. That is the basics of how I act, but it changes depending on who I interact with. The person who I am at work, is different from the person I am with my family, which is again different from the person I am around friends.

These things happen automatically, and people can only perceive you as the person you are towards them. But this means, that very few people will know you 100%, they don’t know every side of your personality. Whilst this is completely normal, it is totally bizarre when you think about it. That you spend half your life with someone, and you’ll only know what they are like when you are there, you will never really know what they are truly like with other friends or at their work. When you let a person into your life, what it comes down to is how much you trust that person.

This was a random thought that I came across the other day. And after thinking about it for a while, it boggled my brain a bit.

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Objective Silences

People will always say things, and do things that will get under your skin. Some things can really wind you up. And it can take all your power to bite your tongue and walk away.

Facebook is a big place where this happens. Sometimes the people you work, have drinks or study with have polar opposite opinions to yourself. That is good, because not everyone has the same take on the world. We are all different. But everyone has some barrier that some attitudes break. For me, things regarding animal rights, human rights, mental health and LGBT rights are amongst the things that I care about most. So, when I see someone posting some ill thought out bad attitude which goes against my beliefs I can get angry.

I have lost count how many times I have typed a vicious comment, and deleted it before I posted. These attitudes are borne of ignorance, people don’t know the subject well enough, it’s not entirely their fault. But, I also believe it is good to understand things with a caring perspective. I had someone call me a faggot at work, and when I talked to the guy, its because that is what everyone he knows things. When I pointed out that we got on okay, and that the word can be damaging to a lot of people who work with us and are part of the LGBT community. He admitted it was just a word, and he hadn’t thought about the effects of it at all. He apologised and we are okay.

I think education is a huge part of my things, but I don’t feel that Facebook is the place to deal with these things. So, I leave the comment, and mute the user. If they continue being so bigoted and stupid, I will pop them a message and delete them from my life. I don’t need some person I worked with once, telling me I am fat because I should stop eating and that I don’t to learn to love myself because I am ugly inside and out. And then they have the nerve to say ‘it wasn’t about you, I wasn’t talking about other people’.

Always stand up for what you believe in. But, sometimes arguments aren’t worth it. A person you don’t have anything in common with, who thinks it’s funny that people struggle with sexuality or that people dying senselessly, can be dismissed. Social media is great with this, as you can block anyone.

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Ups And Downs

Mental health can be a funny thing sometimes (funny, strange, not funny, ha ha). It is a thing that is completely unpredictable and can be very random. I say this, because mental health a part of every single person, it just effects us each in a different way.

Life, in itself, has it’s ups and downs, no matter who you are. There is a saying, that I read once, can’t remember where, which said that life is a mixed experience, and we must take special effort to remember the good times over the bad. Which is nice, if awful idealistic. As much as I do remember the good times, I also have a habit of over-reacting to the bad stuff.

This is why, I find it good to write things down. When I am writing a post, I am trying to rationalise anything that I have been through. And it is easier to do that, after the event though. Because if I panic, which leads to crying at the moment, there is zero chance for reflection at the time. It helps me, if I go back and think about things. I try to recognise the feeling I get when I start panicking, that butterfly feeling when I start to feel a little floaty. So that I know I need to calm myself down, and take myself out of whatever situation. Sometimes this helps, most of the time I still end up in a snotty, teary mess.

I currently waiting for a Doctor’s appointment so that I can try to get to grips with my anxiety. Because, right now, it feels a little out of control. I am functioning, I have been working, and I am starting to go back to the gym. It has left me with no energy at all, focusing on trying to do what I am supposed to. Focusing on the good stuff is hard, when you are exhausted from just living. That sound very bad, but that is why it is important to speak, write and seek help when you need it.

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For Attention

Have you heard ‘that’ retort, when you actually speak out about your mental health? The one that devalues every little thing that you feel. When someone says that you are ‘doing it for the attention’.

It is the most frustrating thing ever. A lot of the time, for myself anyway, if I am having some kind of anxiety attack, where ever I am, I don’t really need someone scoffing that I’m trying to get attention. It has happened a lot over the last few days. People point and prod at every little thing I do sometimes, and it does nothing but confirm what I am already thinking about myself. It is great.

It made me wonder, the thinks I would do if I wanted attention? I’d probably sing whilst walking to work. Get in people’s way at work. Upload every thought, in a cryptic manner, on Facebook. Shout and make a lot of noise at work, or out of work. But, I wouldn’t cry on the bus, or at Starbucks, or have a panic attack whilst walking down a street. I wouldn’t because it is horrifically embarrassing.

Every person who accuses a sufferer of mental health issues of attention seeking, are simply ignorant. They don’t know what it feels like to experience mental health. Lucky them.


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