Constantly

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

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Spoilt

The internet has given the normal, average person so much opportunity. That may be applying for new jobs, which rather than popping your CV through letter boxes, has becoming emailing or filling in forms from the comfort of your own home. You can download computer games, movies and books at a touch of a button. Never have we had such information at our fingertips. It’s crazy.

It can be overwhelming. As much as I enjoy finding new things to watch and read, I am slow at ingesting such things. I take my time, as I can get bored doing the same thing for too long.

I am working my way through Pretty Little Liars, which is on Netflix. Other people I know, binge watched the series from their bed. I like to dip in and out, so I’ll maybe watch one or two episodes whenever I can be bothered. The final episode aired a few days ago, and spoilers popped up everywhere. Seeing as I am still early in the final season, I avoided everything. And was doing really well, till I saw a post on Tumblr that spoilt everything.

Back when I started getting into watching dramas and the like on TV, episodes were released weekly. And sometimes the channels, here in the U.K., would get programmes months if not years after its original release in America, or where ever. That was fine, with my short attention span. But, now? Series are released online either in the one go, or as they air in their country of origin.

This is good. But it also means that people get up to date, and post spoilers. I don’t mean, this character comes back, or something which is covered in the general synopsis. I am talking about people telling the world about what happens after major cliff hangers. Well, that happened today. I have been watching Pretty Little Liars for years, and have noticed people saying that the final episode was rubbish. But, I didn’t get any other information till today. And finding out the actual ending has kind of made me want to stop watching the rest of the show. I want to stay in the episodes where I am not disappointed, where I feel happy with the series. I feel like my experience of the show, as it ends, is now worse because of the ending.

It frustrates me that people don’t understand that. They are called spoilers for a reason, you can spoil a show for someone. Which sounds silly, but to watch a standard drama series, you have to invest hours of your life in the storylines and characters. And it kind of feels a bit crap, that you don’t get a ‘first reaction’ like other people. You have a pre-conceived idea before you reach that particular episode.

Truth be told, maybe I should just learn to watch things quicker.

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Work, Work, Work…

I like to think that I have always been a grafter. Someone, who works as best as they can at whatever task they are given. Now, I may not be the fastest, but you can be assured that I will do my job properly. Which, to me, matters. Whilst, doing things in a good time is always a good thing, there is no point if corners are cut, and things are done poorly.

Since my first job, I have always enjoyed the satisfaction in working hard and feeling like I had made a difference. And that didn’t change no matter the size of company I was working for. I made sure that what I did was the best I could do. I like to believe that working hard will get you anywhere you want. Hard work is rewarded. But, I am realising that is maybe an idealistic way of thinking.

The area I work in at the moment is constantly busy. It is a very different job than what I am used to, but I still do my best. But, I am stuck. What do you do when your best isn’t good enough? Me, I just keep trying, I get my head down and graft away to the best of my ability. Which is how I have always been. But every so often I raise my head, and I see other people getting new opportunities. People who are doing worse at the job than me, and have been the less time than me. I automatically assume that I have done something wrong. And when you get that thinking in your head, it is really hard to get out.

A lot has changed with my job role in the last 6 months, with me working in a completely new department. And that, in itself, made me feel I was getting moved away for doing something wrong. So before I started my new task, I already felt a bit weary and hurt that I was moved away from my friends and folk I trusted. I have written on here before, about my mental health issues, and my old department had managers and leads who I could trust. People who I could speak and cry to if I had a bad day.  It made me feel comfortable coming into work, even on my bad days. But it isn’t like that anymore. I don’t really know any of my new managers, and when I talk to them it feels like I am a burden. And, if you know me and my mental health, I feel like I am feeling a burden without anyone saying so.

So I feel like a burden, and that I am doing things wrong, so I don’t feel welcome. It has become more of a struggle to go into work, when I have a bad day. I can go to the toilets and cry. All the people who would make me laugh, and make things better are in a completely different area. I can’t just abandon my work and wonder off to see them. I didn’t realise how much easier my work colleagues made everything, till I couldn’t see them anymore.

I am carrying on though. Trying to keep my head down, and work as hard as I can. Focus on myself, and what I am doing. Which is easier said than done. I give myself a pep talk every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The actual job is fine. It is just the lack of recognition and support that is getting me down. But, I will persevere, and I will continue to do the best I can. Which is all I can do.

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Round And Round

I am finding life rather monotonous right now. I know, that not every day can be super exciting and fun, but it is routine that I find boring. It sounds daft, but day-to-day life can get boring. And it is frustrating.

Why?

Well, routine bores me, but it also calms down my anxiety. Which leaves me with a bit of a conundrum. If I try to leave too much to luck, and ‘wing it’, normally something will end up causing me to panic. But I get bored when everything gets stuck on the same routine. It gets to the point, where I feel like I am running in automatic pilot.

It is fear of the unknown that normally gets under my skin. I get nervous when things just ‘happen’, because I don’t know how my brain is going to react. Sometimes, I completely over-react, and start panicking because my brain is focused on the worst possible outcome. But half the time, I am fine, there is no adverse reaction, and I can just roll with whatever is going on. And I because I don’t know what way things are going to go, a lot of the time I just stick to my routine, and stay away from any risk. Which is a good idea, in one sense, but it can also be suffocating.

It comes down to balance. But, how do you find that balance?

via Daily Prompt: Wheel

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Guilty of feeling bad

Right now, it feels like every time you read the paper or watch a news broadcast, something else horrible is happening in the world. Innocent people are dying every day. And it is awful.

It can be difficult to relate to. I,for example, feel unbelievably guilty. I have my fair share of physical and mental health issues, and a lot of times it is hard to even hard to get dressed, never mind do something productive. But I watch the news, see the suffering of others who are much worse off than me. It starts the internal berating of myself, where I feel inadequate that I seem to have a lot, but I can’t deal. People have it worse. Someone said that at work today, to me. I didn’t offer a reply, but in my head, it reinforced the belief I was building up about myself.

It doesn’t make for a happy life. It makes every day feel like it’s double the length. My anxiety flares because i feel so guilty and unworthy, it causes my stomach to become unsettled so that every meal I eat, ends up in the sewerage system. It stops me from sleeping, I feel that if I can’t appreciate and enjoy my life, then maybe I shouldn’t wake up in the morning.

But, when in a calmer state, I realise everything I do is completely irrelevant to whatever disaster is in the news. Now, that sounds awful. But bear with me. My anxiety comes in different flavours. Sometimes my brain makes me feel unimportant, and sometimes it makes me feel responsible for EVERYTHING. So, the days where I feel hopeless, I try to break tasks down, like if I don’t process this task, a customer won’t get their refund. It is a small thing, but makes me feel I have a purpose.

When I am a bit more calm, like I am now, I can be logical. I can think of a way round my issues. But when anxiety hits, logic is furthest from my mind. I have donated to charities for the Manchester attack, the Grenfell Tower fire, and many others. Sometimes, feeling like I tried to give something helps calm my anxiety. But if you are struggling with current affairs and are feeling guilty or just questioning your place in the world, sometimes the best thing to do is to not constantly watch the news. I watch half an hour a day, and that’s it.

Don’t allow your mental health to bully you into feeling guilty for something you have nothing to do with. Which is hard, I know. You can also try to speak (or ramble online, like I do) about what you are feeling. If you are having a hard time health-wise, nothing should be-little what you are going through. And if someone tries to, ignore them. Look after yourself and those close to you.

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If you need mental health help visit The Samaritans

Donate to the Grenfell Tower fire fund, this situation is still ongoing, and the death toll is expected to rise. red cross appeal

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Absentee

I was going to write a post whining about why I haven’t been posting recently. But that is something that gets very boring, very quickly.

I have been spending my alone time getting re-aquianted with my Xbox. So I have been dying during Naruto Ninja Storm 4 and getting stuck in Yooka-Laylee. I have a very short attention span when it comes to games. I love playing them, but I get bored very quickly. Which is why, unless it is a game series I love, I will not pay full release price for a game. My favourite kind of games, usually revolves around fighting, platforming or racing. Games that usually have short events or levels, where I can progress through the game slowly.

I can’t see myself every paying £50 for a single game. In fact, I have noticed, that games, like many other things, are cheaper in other shops. Something that has been made more apparent, by the need for supermarket chains and Amazon to stock EVERYTHING. It means that whilst game specialists, like GAME, sell stuff for the RRP, Tesco’s sells the same game for (sometimes) £15-20 cheaper. Which is a lot of money. So many companies seem set on becoming a one-stop-shop, where you can get anything. You can order groceries through Amazon’s Alexa, and the stuff comes right to your door. It makes it so easy to be lazy, and just get everything together. It is less hassle. But, if it is something you really want, for yourself or a gift, then shop around. Check Asda, Tesco, Sainsburys, Argos, Amazon, GAME… there are so many options.

Is there any games I would like, in the future? Well the Naruto Ninja Storm saga is getting a full HD release, which looks cool. Because I never got the original games. And then Naruto Strikers which looks like a team fighting game. There is the South Park fighting game coming out at some point, which I am keen on getting as Stick of Truth was pretty great. I think the one game I would go all out for would be a proper console remake (or even re-release) of Road Rash. I mean online races, where you can just smack that player who cut you off, with a chain. I would love a new version of that game, but it doesn’t even pop up on the Mega Drive compilations. It makes me a sad panda.

I don’t get a lot of RPG games, I just struggle investing the time required to get anywhere in these stories. Zelda and the OG Pokemon games are probably the only RPG’s I can kind of play. I also have a low tolerance for first person shooters… well not all, just some. I like Gears of War, but can’t be doing with Call of Duty.  My problem is, that there is zero learning curve for playing online. Last time I played CoD online, I sucked, and got so much shit for it. That’s not why I play computer games, I play to relax.

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It’s A Very, Very Mad World

The world is a wide and varied place. It is filled with people, trying to make things better for their fellow man. However, there is also a lot of utter bastards to counter the good. Sometimes, it feels like all we see is the bad.

Sometimes it’s easy to be overwhelmed in the tragedies that unfold every day around the world. Innocent people dying in the cruelest ways. School buses blown up in Syria, a music concert in the UK, hospitals in Indonesia, lone women in India, gay people in Chechnya… The list is endless. Most of this hatred is brought on by a sense of entitlement and an intolerance of others. And it is horrible. What is a normal person to do? How are we supposed to feel when others act so horrifically?

I don’t think there is an answer. A lot of the time all we can do is watch the news reports and read articles online. You may sign a petition, or donate to a foundation just to help. To get a sense you are doing something. Anything.

You may be unable to do anything about events in any of the headlines you will read today, tomorrow or any day to come. The world feels cold and dark. But, you can try and take that darkness away. Even just for those around you. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while. Introduce yourself to your next door neighbour, or invite a lonely neighbour round for tea. Go visit relatives. Use social media to send good wishes to those who you might not talk to very much. Smile at the person who serves you your morning coffee.

As clawing as negativity can be, positivity is contagious. I know not everything will be sunshine and rainbows, but a lot of people are emotionally struggling in life. It shouldn’t take tragedy to bring people together, but it also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. Terrorism is something which wants to tear people apart. To split society into fractions, fractions that disagree and fight amongst themselves.

Let’s not let that happen. Let’s share love and togetherness instead of hate and intolerance. ❤️

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