therapy

Because my mental health has been poor recently, it has been effecting my work. Where I have been getting very overwhelmed, and struggling to complete my daily tasks. It got to the stage, where a few weeks ago, I was so worked up and had several panic attacks, which led to me speaking to team leads and my manager. I felt so stupid, but I didn’t want to let people down at work anymore.

I was referred to the Occupation Health team at my work, where I was scheduled appointments to discuss my mental health. We started looking at the big triggers, the things that would start me feeling negative about myself and my situation. One of the biggest things are when I feel like I have no plans, or things are out of my control. I feel helpless, and in turn, stupid, which makes me feel very anxious. So, one of the things that were discussed were figuring out a routine that I could do, so that I wasn’t aimless at any point. I did try and set up plans for my mental health a few years back, but I found it really hard to stick to, and because meetings with the doctor were irregular, any plans I made fell away.

I am currently having appointments with the occupational health therapist once a week. We talk about the things regularly, and I have tasks to go away and think about. It feels very pro-active, which has been very helpful. Sometimes I think that it is nice to talk to someone who seems to understand what I am thinking, and can even offer some suggestions as to why I think the way I do. I always feel silly when I try to speak about the way I am thinking, but to have some validation, it feels nice. It is like I am not as daft as I think I am, which is strange, but does make me feel good.

I am concerned that at some point, I won’t have these meetings any more, and I won’t be able to keep up any plans I have made. But, I am getting ahead of myself. I am making steps, and they seem to be going forward, for once.

I have spoken on here recently, about how I have been struggling with focus. Of how I find my thoughts wondering off when I try to do something.

One of the things that has been really effected by this, is my art.

Since I was little, I used to draw all the time. It was my favourite thing to do, apart from reading. I would be reading and drawing my weekends and holidays away. But, since my mental health started morphing from just depression, to include anxiety, I found myself finding it harder and harder to draw. I stopped keeping sketch books, and materials just sat unused.

I got an iPad last year, and decided to buy an Apple Pencil to use it. To try and get back into doing things. It has gone unused. Because I didn’t like anything I made. I felt like any skill, I once held, was gone. I began to feel unhappy every time I picked up a pencil. Everything I made was a mess, it was a waste of time. I felt betrayed, that that one thing I thought I was good at, I was rubbish. With a clear mind, I realise that any skill has to be refreshed, you need to keep at it, to keep your skills up to par. If you don’t practice, the quality can slip. But my anxious mind tells me it’s because I fail at everything.

So today, I came to a decision. That I was going to try and draw one thing every day. I started with a drawing that I did on my ipad. Whilst it doesn’t seem very good to me, it’s a start. It’s something to build on. Start getting my confidence back. The good thing is, that I was pretty happy whilst I was drawing away. I have tried to hold on to that feeling, rather than focus on my disappointment at the end result.

One step at a time.

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