Tag: rheumatoid arthritis

A Little Push Every Day.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

During my last post, I talked about trying to get my life in some kind of order. After some further thought, I decided to give myself till Christmas, as a place to assess how well things have gotten. So I have decided to focus on different things every day, do things in small bits. Because, when you simply look at the ‘bigger picture’ it can easily become overwhelming. Or, it does when I do.

Yesterday was a struggle, where I was really sore. I find it really hard to start moving, when I have no solid plans. So I lay on my bed, and felt sorry for myself. I was awake early, but I had no motivation. And that is the issue, the longer I lie, the more everything hurts. Around midday, I got a text from my friend about going to get some coffee after her work, and that appeared to be all the plan I needed. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even do the dishes because I had zero grip, which made me feel useless and I had a little cry. I then went for the bus and bought a sandwich to finally have some painkillers. Progress.

As I already knew, once I had my pain relief and had started walking around, things started to feel a lot better. I had coffee with my friend, and then I went and bought stuff for dinner. I ended up feeling so good I made my dinner, which is a rarity when I have a bad pain day. And then I finally did dishes, so despite starting off bad, I felt rather accomplished.

So, I decided that as I watched the TV during the evening, I was going to do some drawing. One of those hobbies that I have been struggling with. So I charged up my Apple Pencil, and spent around an hour doing a doodle. It wasn’t a piece of fantastic art, but it was a bit of creativity. I am fully aware it looks like a piece of crap.

Today has been a lot better. I got up and moving at a decent time. Had breakfast and pain relief at a decent hour. I then did the dishes, and decided I needed to do some laundry. 5 loads of laundry to be exact. And I organised some things in my room, which made the mess a little bit less messy. I did it whilst listening to some vinyl, namely Descendents’ Everything Sux, and NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. By focusing on what I was doing for short burst, I was quite productive. I’ve now had my dinner, half my laundry is drying on the line outside, and I am planning on having a wee read tonight, after I finish writing.

I feel like a person who can actually function today, which is rare. This is the feeling that I wanted, and one I hope to continue. I’m very good at recognising the bad days, but I need to recognise the good days more.

Needs Work

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am aiming to buy a car before winter. Because public transport can be chaotic as the weather gets worse. So, in a normal situation, I would pick up an extra shift at my work. Unfortunately, everyone at work is in a similar boat and also needs extra money. So, when overtime becomes available it is gone before I can get a chance to claim it for myself. And it is so annoying. I understand that a person shouldn’t rely on overtime, but it has been a thing for years, that I could turn to should I need money for anything, holidays, birthdays, MOT… So, now it has been absent for most of the year so far, and is now impossible to get.

It is not only me who is affected, with everyone I know at work in same situation. People are picking up second jobs, even third jobs, just to get by. And that means that once work decides it does need everyone to grind away at overtime, people will be unable to because they will have other commitments. The problem, for me, is that `I struggle with doing my 40 hours at my job, mostly with my arthritis. So, the prospect of being on my feet doing another job is unnerving to say the least.

One of my friends suggested using the skills I have. Which would be writing or drawing or something like that. And, although that is actually the original reason for me starting this blog over a decade ago, I am struggling keeping up with my hobbies as it is. Like, everything is currently so sore with my arthritis, even reading is hard. And, that is what worries me, that I start something to make extra cash, and then it gets too hard to continue. And the anxiety doom spiral starts.

This blog, for example, has been going for over a decade and whilst posting does happen, it is rather sporadic. Which means, as WordPress likes to tell me, my lack of regularity is no good for getting consistent viewership. Habits are hard to form, so maybe that is something to work on.

I guess the first avenue is going to be learning how to budget. Never been very good at budgeting. Can’t help thinking it should be something that should have been taught about that at High School.

Distraction

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Since I came back from my holiday, last month, I have been having a flair-up with my arthritis. Which, is making it hard to do a lot. Even working is taking it out of me, like I need all my time off from my work to recover. I would like to be able to blame the warmer weather, but the Scottish summer is being the typical Scottish summer, and the weather is not being particularly warm. So, all I can do is take my medication, do my stretches, and hope that it goes away. I’ve left a message with the rheumatologist and hopefully they get back in contact soon. It is a headache not being able to hold things properly.

The only thing that has been keeping me going at the moment is Formula 1. The weekend just passed was the British Grand Prix at Silverstone, where Lewis Hamilton won his 9th win at the circuit, and 104th win overall. It was really nice to see Lewis at the top of the podium on his final home race with Mercedes. And it was such an exciting race, with 5 different race leaders during the race, which shows how exciting formula 1 2024 is this year. It’s been so much fun, seeing different drivers do well this season, including teams who have maybe not been so successful in recent seasons. I was a little upset for Lando Norris, as he did lead the race for a large chunk of the race, and poor strategy and mistakes lead to him coming in third. And wee Oscar Piastri recovered to 4th.

I did look at tickets for Silverstone, to actually attend the Grand Prix, as I have never been before. They were actually affordable. I could have actually went, but I applied for the time from work and it was rejected. So, no Grand Prix for me and I had to watch it on the TV instead. Which was fine. My Dad watched with me, and it was the first time he had watched the whole race, and he said he enjoyed it. So, that was good. Me and my Dad often go to watch the stock car racing, which is so much fun. Where I live in Fife, there are two stock car tracks nearby, one in Racewall in Cowdenbeath, and Lochgelly Raceway.

There is now a break before the next race, and I don’t really know what will keep me occupied. Lots of F1 focused blogs would simply focus on gossip, and I don’t really have much of a tolerance for that kind of thing. Never have been. I don’t like the idea of spreading around lies, just for the sake of content. But mostly, I don’t have the focus. Yes, I have different interests, but I duck and dive around them sometimes like I am a rugby player trying to make it up the pitch. It is why this blog kind of bops around a bit. But that is just how my brain is.

But… it takes effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying on the couch, lazing in the sun, whilst a documentary about hill walkers is on the telly. I’ll be honest, just watching them walk up Ben Nevis is draining. I think it is because I feel such lethargy for everything at the moment. The world seems on fire, and I am finding it rather hard to do anything other that the basic.

I think the hardest thing for me is eating regularly. One of my aims for 2024 was to lose weight, but I have in fact put on weight. It feels like, yet another, failure. I always need to remind myself that I have been in pain, my arthritis has been a headache for the last few months. With me having issues with medication, causing problems with me physically doing things. My feet, my knees, and my hands are sore and swollen, especially after my work. As a result, I spend the weekend trying to recover, as if you didn’t know, pain is exhausting.

Part of me knows that if I was able to lose weight, it would help things like my pain and my energy levels. But, it is hard to do anything. Especially when recently, I don’t feel hungry, I just get sick. Which, in turn, makes me not want to eat. I did watch a video on TikTok, where a person said that they set alarms for when to eat, and stick to it. It didn’t matter what it was, but they had to eat something, be it a whole meal or just a piece of fruit. Maybe that would be a good shout.

Ouch

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am finding myself struggling these days. It is numerous in reasons, but focuses around the fact that I am sore. My hands and my feet seem to be the big problem. And, I am honestly just so tired.

It feels like my muscles have always been easy to strain. Like, if I lift something too heavy, my hands are sore for days. I sleep on my arm, which I seem to like to do, my shoulder and neck can be sore for over a week. Or, that is what happened last week. I remember complaining about this years ago, and the Doctor telling me it was tendonitis, but surely not every tendon. It obviously isn’t every tendon, but it feels like it sometimes. And then my rheumatoid arthritis has good and bad days, which is the icing on the shit cake that is my health.

I thought I had an answer. I’d go to the gym. Sign up for a monthly pass, and go at least 1 morning a week. Hasn’t happened, yet. Mostly because when I am mentally knackered for having to constantly push myself to do things, so when nothing is planned, everything just stops. I run out of ‘oomph’ to push through the pain and do something. As I sit here typing this, both my hands are sore (typing is taking forever), both my feet are sore, my right ankle is painfully swollen, my right shoulder hurts, and there is pain in my neck every so often. And, I am sitting down, and despite being sore, this is the most comfortable I have been all day. It is one of those days where the 12 steps in my house that I take to my bedroom, feel like a marathon.

I am working to lose some weight, as this should help my foot pain. I hope. But, because I struggle to get moving sometimes, exercising is very challenging. That is without my brain deciding that leaving the house is too much for the day. I am trying to do my best. I did get out today, visited my friend, despite my walking around like an 80 year old. And when I waited for my dinner to cook, I had a wee dance to some ska and oi music. It’s the wee things, I guess.

Things To Do When You Are Unable To ‘Do’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written on here previously, that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Which is something that leaves me sore most days, especially days where I am not physically running around at my work. Days where I am left sitting in the house, because moving around, or even doing the most basic task is difficult. For days, like this, I find that I need to have tasks that take my mind away from the frustrations, that being in pain can bring. I also feel like if I do nothing, then I am letting myself ‘waste a day’, which is a big problem with my anxiety, and starts a whole different problem.

The easiest thing to do is have things that are accessible for me to do. Which, considering most of the problems I have are either with my feet or hands, can sometimes be challenging, especially when you don’t have a very good attention span. But, there are some things that I like to do.

Reading: Something that has always relaxed me is reading. I love the idea that you can become absorbed in another world from the safety of your own home. I have always read physical books as a preference, I find comfort in holding a book in my hands and seeing the visual progress as I read my way through. However, when I am sore, holding a book can be hard. So, I have a Kindle, and Kindle apps on my phone and iPad, so that I can read on whatever is easiest for me to manage. But sometimes, a digital device isn’t enough, which leads me to audiobooks. Not something I have ever grown up appreciating, but I do now. If I just need to lie and wait for pain killers to kick in, I can play a book on my phone, or amazon echo, and I can still drift away into a world that hopefully isn’t as sucky as mine. I am currently listening to Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and it is a great story.

Writing: I know I haven’t been posting very much on here, but I have still been writing notes and pages of stuff on my computer and phone. I have grown up writing in journals, progressing to keeping blogs online. But, one of the biggest barriers for me, was finding that typing and even holding a pencil could be really challenging. If my hands don’t want to co-operate, then I couldn’t write. Luckily, these days with all the technology, voice-to-text features on most modern devices, which means that I can dictate what I want to say to my computer or phone. It is something that I am only still getting used to, but I have used it to help me create this blog today. I just need to remember to proof read, because as good as it is, mistakes are still made.

TV: I am awful at watching new tv shows. It takes me months to get through anything that I haven’t seen before. I can normally, at the most, get through 2-3 episodes at a time. If it is on normal scheduled TV, it’s even worse, because I forget when the show airs, quickly fall behind, and then can’t be bothered anymore. And sometimes, I find myself getting worked up because I can’t even watch a TV show. So, I go back and watch old TV shows I have watched a million times before. The shows I am currently watching are Daria, Friends, Gossip Girl, South Park, and Gilmore Girls. I usually end the final series, and go back to the start again. I think it’s comforting to know that if my attention wanes and I stop watching, it doesn’t matter because I have seen it all before. It sounds silly, but it is like a comfort blanket. Which, when I am feeling crappy, comfort is what I need.

The biggest problem with hobbies, like drawing, is that I am struggling. I know it sounds silly, but I have lost a lot of interest in things around me. It does seem like it’s because I have been struggling with my mental health. But finding things that I can enjoy is better than focusing on things that I am struggling with. Try to boost any positive feelings I can get.

Good Acting?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been struggling a lot recently. I have been in a lot of pain when trying to move, which has been causing problems with the most basic activity. I still get up and manage to work, and try to focus on anything but pain. Putting a smile on my face, and try to live in the moment, where I am focused on what I am doing, rather than focus on how I am feeling. Which helps me get through every day, because if I don’t, the day would be unbearable. But, because I do try to do my best every day, people tend to not think I am struggling as much as I make out.

It makes me wonder, have I really got that good at pretending, or is it simply easier for people to not take someone seriously when it comes to health problems? I, of course, don’t want to think anyone would dismiss anyone’s health problems. But, it still comes to mind. I have been accused of making my health problems up. Like, because of my arthritis, I have bad grip, but sometimes my hands swell more some days. These days, I may have to approach my manager to do a different job, because of the pain (and the real risk that I could drop and break something). I have been accused of co-workers of making things up, because I don’t want to do a job. Which annoys the hell out of me, I would never dodge out of any work. But sometimes, I have to put my health first, and if something is too strenuous, I have to speak up.

Today has been a good day. Luckily for me. Where I am conscious things are still stiff and swollen, but I can work through the pain easily. It does happen. I could put on my jacket today, and pull on my socks with ease. Most days, however, this is not the case. And I struggle with the most basic task. People make jokes at work when I wear a baseball cap, when the truth is my arms couldn’t lift the brush high enough to sort my hair out. But I laugh with them, because I’d rather laugh at the oddity of the hat, rather than focus on the tears I had trying to get tugs out of my hair.

I guess, my point, in a roundabout way, is that you never know what anyone is going through. I am usually at my best when at work, because I am moving around, loosening my joints, and my mind is focused on what is in front of me. That is part the story of my health issues, but it is not the whole story. And, you will likely never know a person’s ‘whole story’, only what they decide to share. So, if they share something difficult, don’t assume it’s nonsense, because the side you see seems fine.