Tag: reflection

Dropping Things Instead of Juggling Them

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So, things kind of got worse before they got any better. On Tuesday, I had a complete meltdown over my University work. It just felt like everything that I was attempting to do, was useless. I am currently studying database management using SQL, and I just seem to have a complete incapacity to preform anything to do with it. I was so frustrated that I just wanted to erase everything and start again. Which, is something that ends up being more hinderance than a help.

I did manage to email my Tutor, after being too embarssed to post anything on the class forum. Which was something I pondered on for a while. I always feel embarrassed when I struggle to do something. I have this idea where ‘everyone else’ is managing things fine, and I am the only one who is stupid enough to be struggling. Logically, I know that this line of thinking is just unreasonable and incorrect, but when one is panicking, logic isn’t a factor. Fortunately, my Tutor emailed me back, and informed me that I wasn’t the only person struggling with the SQL part of the process. Which was a relief.

I am now taking my time going through things, and trying to get stuff to function properly. Doing it in hourly sessions at a time, because I find that helps my productivity most. That way, if I am struggling, I can just stop, and I can always go back after a break. That is why I am writing this post. Maybe delaying the inevitable of having to do something difficult. But circumstances aside, it is always good to write something.

I think I often underestimate how much work it is to work full-time, as well as study. Because, you need to put time in to recover. You need to have time for hobbies and interests. You need to have time to socialise with people. And then you need to do the functional stuff like eat, sleep, do housework, and other boring, but essential stuff. It feels like there isn’t enough hours in a day to fit everything in. Which can feel worse when I am faced with fatigue, which is a common symptom of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Something that is causing me awful bother at the moment, but that is a story for another day.

Another Year Round The Sun

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is my birthday today. I am 41. Birthdays seem a lot less fun than what they used to be. I have spent the day relaxing, and contempating.

That’s all birthdays become once we get older, or that’s what they have become for me. Wondering why is it that I have have seemingly sidestepped what every other adult has decided is the benchmark for life. This belief that if you don’t achieve these pre-existing terms of service, you haven’t lived. No child. No marriage. No mortgage. Being alive, and having a job is expected, but you are looked down on for not doing certain things.

There are times where I can brush it off Tell people that my 20s were where my mental health crumbled. Where suicide wasn’t even a thought, it was actively attempted. My 30s were about trying to pick myself back up again. Was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis, after years of complaints and fighting with doctors. ‘Horrific cramping in your hands stopping you from doing things? Maybe you just need to go to WeightWatchers.’ It has been hard, and I am feeling better than I did a decade ago. Still not 100%, but better.

But there are times where I feel a loss. Feel like I have been so stupid that I have not been able to be successful. So insecure, that I must be 10000% honest and share everything, and then put my foot in it. Losing out on oportunities. So I then stop saying everything, and try to only say what other’s want to hear. But somehow that is wrong too. It is like every step I take, there is a pothole that causes me to stumble and fall, whilst everyone else walks by unaffected.

This feeling doesn’t go away. And I don’t write about it for sympathy. I write about it to help lessen the weight it hangs around my neck. That getting the thinking out my head, allows me to focus on something else. Sometimes the ‘something else’ is more of the same. But, every once in a while, that ‘something else’ is something a little brighter, a step in the right direction.

Though, it has become abundantly clear, I don’t quite know where the right direction is.