ponderings

So, today the most productive thing I have done this weekend is posting two Vlogs on Youtube and read Twilight.

I have Flash open, so I have gone through the motions of trying to get work done, but as of yet, I have made no progress. As for everything else, nadda been done there either. 😦

*sigh* I remember being at primary school, and I always did loads of work, and even did extra credit stuff, I was such a geeky kid. Then as I grew through high school, that resolve to doing loads of work, fell apart, and I found my self starting to fail subjects. Like English. I always write and I love reading, but yet I flunked higher English. It wasn’t that the stuff was hard, it was more challenging, it was that I couldn’t be bothered. Everything felt like too much of an effort. Which just left me frustrated

Well this frstration has continued through the rest of my education, be it the Vet Nursing or the Graphic Design. There have been a few years, where I have done really well, but most of it, I have just barely scraped a pass. And I get more frustrated and beat myself up. And that makes want to do work even less. Its a nasty circle, and I don’t know if its ever going to end.

The one thing that has changed, is that I am now feeling that I no longer HAVE to do college to be successful. Surely if I am creative, it will speak for itself and I will get work. But from looking around, things aren’t that simple and most employers in the creative sector require you to have some sort of formal training. Which is infuriating. I mean if someone has a good eye for design, or a good style, then surely that should be better than a certificate?

Doesn’t skill out-rank grade? It irritates me to no end, that if you want to be successful in this world, then you need to have to have some kind of college degree. I’m not wanting a formal job, I am pretty much decided that I am going to freelance. But I guess only time will tell if that will work or not.

*sigh*

Check out my latest Vlog:

Due to me spending most of today on my own, I have been inside my own head, thinking waaay to much. About a lot of different things. Mostly, about how someone says something to me, and my head manages to completely distort the comment, usually into something negative about myself.

Take yesterday for example. After a day out looking round galleries, me and a few people went to the pub. We ended up talking about last year, and how there was a lot of bitching going on. And Sarah said that everyone seems to like me, that she’d never heard anyone speak negatively of me. Now, most people would be happy with that and think that they are a nice person to everyone, so would hope that people would like me in return. But, I over think. So what should have been positive, ended up me thinking that ‘if everyone liked me, who come everytime I need someone noone is around? How come noone is there for me’?

But then I was I that automatic thinking of ‘they like me, but not enough’? That is very possible, as I have long held a habit of where I make problems for myself. But thats putting the basis of my feelings on to other people, and holding them responsible if anything goes wrong. Which, I am trying to get myself to avoid doing. But then again, it is a well known trait of human behaviour. Its self defence. Its easier to blame someone else for what you have done wrong, rather than admit that it is due to your own failings. Its a hard thing to get a grasp off. But I think I will be a lot happier if I can get it into my head, that it is ok to muck things up sometimes.

Its not that I am a perfectionist, far from it, I just feel that the only way I can be happy with what I have, is to take responsibility for what happens.

Tag: ponderings

Funday?

Thinking thoughts