Tag: personal

Bad Friends

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have written on here, a lot, about how I have been struggling to keep up with my hobbies. It’s mostly due to being in constant pain, whilst having crappy mental health, often leaves me no energy to try and do any of my hobbies. I just want to sit in my bed and do nothing. The trouble is, that it is not just hobbies that suffer when I am going through a bad patch. My personal relationships suffer too.

I have always been a low maintenance friend. The kind that doesn’t have to always be in contact, but will always be there if you needed them. Like I get messages from friends, just chatter or memes, and I often read them, start to reply, and then get distracted before I can actually send them. And when I wonder why I have heard nothing back, I check to see that it is me who halted the conversation. And, now it is too awkward to send anything, because the conversation is over. And it was my fault.

Any message I would subsequently send would serve as an interruption. Everyone has their own shit going on, they don’t need me turning up, with my complete lack of awareness. So I don’t send anything. And it all goes silent. I am not much better in real life, either. I will say basic chatter, that ‘how are you’, that doesn’t seem to really care how anyone is doing. Which is annoying, I do care, I just don’t really know any other way to try and start a conversation.

Conversation is a thing that has never been my strong point. My mum used to always speak of how I would be quiet at nursery or Primary School, to the point teachers would be worried about my speech. The truth was, I could talk fine, I just didn’t waste time talking to people who I didn’t want to. I’d much rather do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book. Not much has changed. I always feel awkward in conversation, where I have nothing to add, as everything in my life is boring. I either complain about being sore, or my work.

I think this is my problem. I feel like a background character, who is someone folk are aware of, but don’t particularly like. Think Kirk from the Gilmore Girls. He is a member of the town of Stars Hollow, he is a valuable member of the town (doing almost every job there is), but no one really has time for him. He is a person to be mocked and not one to befriend. That’s me.

I discovered this week that someone who I really trusted, was speaking shit about me. Making me out to be a horrible person. Now, I have my problems, but I do try to be nice to everyone. It has just shattered my confidence. Like, maybe that’s why I am such a low maintenance friend, because I don’t expect any of them to actually like me. Not really. The curse of my life is that mantra that used to be thrown about of ‘you can’t expect anyone else to l like you, if you don’t like yourself’. I have never liked myself, so I don’t expect anyone else to either.

I am aware that it is just another thing I need to work on. Great.

Arrrgghhh!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I really am not doing very well at the moment. Work is a pain, health is horrible, and every time I sit down to write or do anything creative, I just find myself staring at an empty page. I am so frustrated. Why?

Work? Work has been okay, and I seem to be preforming well in the tasks that I have to do, which is grand. The problem is, that the money I am getting doesn’t seem to be going further enough. I know people say ‘get another job’, but when I have been with the company for 10 years, it is harder to leave than one may think. I have job security, hours and shifts I can plan my life around, and the benefits (like online consultation with a GP) cannot be sniffed at. It’s the lack of overtime that I am frustrated with. You see, for the last several years, if I ever needed money for anything, I could work an extra shift or two, and that extra £100+ would be there. But there is currently no overtime, and that makes things a little strained, financial wise. And, there is no sign in sight, and I am not used to that. So yeah, I’m annoyed.

Health? I hurt. I have ran into a roadblock with my medication for my rheumatoid arthritis, and I have had to stop taking the tablets that have been working. This means that I am back to sore feet and hands, where I have the energy to do my job, and that’s about it. People often remark to me, that if I can work, it’s not that bad. But, when my hands have no grip, I can’t really cook without dropping stuff everywhere, so I rely on Shin ramen noodle bowls and microwave meals. Which then means my health is shit, because I can’t hold a knife to cut or prep any salad or anything healthier. I can get a small side salad, but they don’t seem to keep well, and the ones left when I finish work seem to be well past their best. Then I have the toothache that has been on and off since the end of January. I broke a tooth when I ate a piece of pizza. They do say, what you love hurts you the most. Anyway, I am not registered with a dentist and it is impossible to find one. I am currently waitlisted for 4 in my area. Some days it is searing pain, other days it’s more like minor sensitivity. It is so annoying. I am muddling through, but I can see why some people get to the point where they try to pull their own teeth out. And then, there is my mental health, which is utter rubbish right now. I feel like I am treading water, but it is really exhausting. It’s like I am throwing everything at just not drowning.

And creativity, I have honestly had problems with my creativity for the last few years. Some would say the start came when I made the decision to formally study art at college. It took it from being a fun hobby, to something that I had to take seriously enough to be my future job. Safe to say that didn’t happen. I struggled to make work for people who didn’t like the same artistic style as me. Like, everything I did was rather messy, I suppose that is because I am messy myself. But, the whole process felt awful, and I struggle to make any kind of art now. Writing, I just feel like I complain about the same things all the time. I guess that happens. But, again, there is that expectation that a blog is there to make money. Even WordPress expects it. Constantly promoting selling stuff, and how to make your blog a business. Like… I put enough pressure on myself to post, that I get so frustrated and post nothing. This blog is for me personally, to document stuff, it may develop into something else, but for the moment it is me and my pondering. I shouldn’t be made to feel I am doing ‘it’ wrong by the very platform that I have used for years.

But that is why I haven’t been around. I am struggling to cope, if I were to be honest. But, I am hanging in there.

End of Another Chapter

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Age never used to be a thing that bothered me. I have friends both younger and older than me, I try to treat people on how they are, rather than how old they are. I say this in a time where it feels like every other post on social media, or news media, is about pitting the different generations against one another. Like, people in the younger generation didn’t have it as hard as you, so what? Is that not the point, that we are supposed to be bettering society for those who come after us?

Birthdays seem to be a logical place to stop and re-assess where you are in life, and what you want to get out of it. I always feel disappointed about where I am, and what I have achieved. That I haven’t achieved what I had expected, by this point in life. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, but seeing as I am 40 tomorrow, I feel a lot more introspective than normal. Everything, down to the celebration. A night or event to remember. None of that is happening. It’ll be just me, being off work, and trying not to simply spend all my time in my bed. I am recovering from being ill and rundown, so this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

If I was to be honest, I have certainly had a better 30s than my 20s. I struggled a lot in my 20s, really suffered much of the period in a job I hated, and my mental health was at its lowest. I was also discovering who I was, and coming to terms with something like sexuality, can be a challenging time of a person’s life. My 30s, have had me dealing with physical ailments more, but feeling more settled. Yes, my mental health has been crap, but I have felt a bit more settled, in that I know who I am, and the kind of person I want to present to the world. I do find, that I sometimes don’t have the confidence to actually present my true self. Maybe that’s what my 40’s should be about? Giving less of a damn about what people think.

Out of breath

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have had a cold brewing for a few weeks. And, with being soaked by the rain when out for the rugby on Saturday, the cold well and truly landed on Sunday. I was so ill. My eyes were swollen, I was coughing, I was sneezing, I had a temperature, I felt terrible. I spent a whole 2 days in bed, and am only now starting to feel better. Still a little blocked up, but a lot better than what I was suffering from.

Today, I had a day off work, so I went to meet my friend. I felt, because I had done so little when I was sick, that i have a ‘in between day’, where I can go out and do stuff, rather than just go straight back to work.

I obviously didn’t realise how congested I still was. I have been struggling to catch my breath. It feels like something heavy is on my chest. I’ve never felt like that before, and I had a wee panic over it. It must be because of my chest still being a little blocked up. So I’ll just have to keep on taking my medication and hope that it gets better. I hope it does, cause I’m back at work tomorrow.

Rambling Away

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It’s Blue Monday. Supposedly the most depressing day of the year. I am okay though, just feel like I’m treading water, as usual.

Yesterday I went to Dundee, and visited Groucho’s Music Bar in Dundee. It used to be a good music shop, that I had bought CDs from, years ago. It’s nice that they were mindful of the history before opening it. And it looked so cool.

Today, I went to visit my friend for a coffee, and hobbled about being really sore. My foot and my hands have been super sore all day. I think I’ll have an early night, as I have 50 hours of work this week. Not great when I am sore already.

Prompt Time: Wishful Perceptions

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
View all responses

I have always tried to be kind to people, and I hope people can see that. My Gran used to say ‘treat people the way you wish to be treated’, and that is something that I have tried to think about when I interact with people. So, I try to be friendly towards other people, someone that other people can turn to.

When it comes down to it, I just would like to be thought of in a positive manner. Since I was little, I have had this fear that people don’t genuinely like me. That people are nice to my face, but are glad when I leave any situation. As much, as people say that it is not true, I can’t help but believe the nonsense thoughts in my brain. And, in a bid to counter this, I try to be nice all the time, so that people can’t feel negatively about me.

As I get older, I am trying to get myself away from focusing on what other people are thinking about me. Like, get learn how to live for myself, rather than be preoccupied by what other people think of me. It is pretty hard, because the only time where I would do things simply to make myself happy was when I was little, and the only reason to do anything was because you like it. I feel that as I have got older, I became more aware and reactive to what others thought.

Honestly, as much as I’d like to pretend to be above what others think of me, it is still nice to be thought of in a good light.

Prompt Time: First Day

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I remember my first day at Amazon, my current job, like it was yesterday. It was in fact over 10 years ago. Which is crazy. I guess time flies when you are having fun.

I applied to Amazon because I needed to get a job before Christmas, I needed money. I had never worked in a warehouse before, my previous work experience was all customer service based. All I had to go off was the reputation the place had, which was not too good. But, I figured that the only way I’d know what things were like, was if I tried it for myself. I had decided before I had even set one foot in the building that I would try it till Christmas, and if I didn’t like it, I could look for something else after that.

The building itself was beyond anything I could have imagined. The warehouse was so big, and it was filled with so many thousands of items. Everything from kitchen sinks, to children’s story books were on the shelves. I remember thinking it was like a super sized supermarket. It was only too easy to go down the wrong set of stairs, and then take a right turn instead of a left, and you were in a completely different part of the warehouse. I stored things on the shelves, and there were so many rules. I remember being told them, and it was simple yet super confusing at the same time. So much information to remember. But, it ended up being easier than I thought. I started speaking to people in my start group, and it was crazy that people came from all over the world. I’d never worked in a place like that.

I started with an agency, the first time I’d ever done that, I was always hired directly by previous jobs. I never had any problems with them, in fact the only time I talked to them was when I needed a holiday. And then my ‘job till Christmas’ idea fell away when I was made permanent within 9 weeks.

My last job, I had began to hate 4 years into it, and by the 6th year, I was so miserable. But this time, 10 years in, I am relatively happy in my job. My managers are aware of my health issues and help me, whenever I need it. The hours are reliable, same days, same shift, same breaks every week. Means that I can plan my life around work easily. And if I want overtime, for bills or a holiday, I can get it easy. I have made friends from all over the world, and I actually am happy going to work. Which, after 10 years, is quite an achievement.

Marchin’ On

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I call my bedroom, my depression pit. It has become the one place that is my personal space, so everything is a mess. As in everything is on the floor, and it is like I don’t have a carpet, because there is so much crap all over the floor. It isn’t everywhere, I don’t like dirty dishes sitting around, so I like the kitchen clean. Also, spaces I share with the rest of the family, everything should be organised, especially because any visitors will see them.

But my room, when I feel low, I don’t see any point in keeping it tidy at all. When my mental health is poor, I can struggle to do the most basic thing. And with winter coming in, making my arthritis pains worse, I don’t have the mental oomph to push myself to make any kind of effort. Like, I have a job, and it takes any energy that I have to complete my shifts successfully, without biting anyone’s head off. And lately, I have been so sore at work, that I come home so utterly exhausted, that I sit down and everything hurts too much to do anything else. If I am lucky I might boil some noodles for my dinner, if that. Constant pain and bad mental health actually plays havoc with my eating habits. I have no appetite. I have to schedule in eating, and am very bad at saying ‘oh, it’s 10.30am, I may as well wait till lunch time’. It leads to irregular eating habits, which leads me to believe that if I can’t even eat properly, why bother trying anything else.

This links to my ‘depression pit’, because I feel so worthless that I don’t put things away at all. Like, what is the point? I often get to the point where I have to clamber over piles of clothing just to get to my bed. I spoke to a therapist about this, and she says I may struggle because I don’t see the point in making effort for myself, and asked me what I did to for myself. It was worrying that I couldn’t really come up with an answer. Everything in my life feels like a task that needs to be achieved, even playing Mario Kart or reading books. And, if I don’t do anything, it is like I have failed at what I planned, and that reinforces this idea of why I don’t see the point in making effort to do things.

However, today, our central heating was due its annual service, and the boiler is in my closet. So, I had to tidy up, and I spent this weekend slowly plodding through it. Sorting out rubbish, and clothes, dusting and just organising things. I struggle doing it for any length of time, so I set timers, and worked away on smaller targets for up to an hour at a time. And today it looks pretty tidy. And I do like it. However, anyone who has a ‘depression pit’ will tell you it is not a simple untidy space, it is months of buildup. Months of feeling hopeless. Months of feeling listless. Sometimes, you need a catalyst to force you to do anything, or I do. So the heating guy having to come in my room ended up being a push.

I do feel good that things are now tidy, I just need to keep myself motivated. Sometimes, it is so exhausting running from the constant sense of failure, that I just give up. Everything else is exhausting anyway. But… clean slate. As they say, when you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and try again. That’s where I am, just dusted myself off.

Time Was Rushing In

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

How are we half way through November, already? I went into Town today, and found that all the Christmas decorations had popped up, and I had the audacity to be surprised that Christmas is just round the corner. I don’t know how, because Christmas is the same date every year. I suppose, I may have been distracted with my own problems that time has just disappeared on me. I, as usual, am not at all prepared for anything of ‘the season’.

Anywho, today has been a successful day. I have been struggling with pain recently, and been really sore most days. This means, that I have been doing the bare minimum. Not today, though. I was up early and had breakfast, then even did the dishes. Crazy stuff, I know. I then went into Town for the bank, and met a friend for coffee. I came home had some sweet and sour for dinner, and then came onto my laptop for a while. I actually updated by ‘about the author’ page and the banner links, so my Threads and TikTok accounts are linked. These are the social networks that I use the most.

It is a good feeling that I did something useful today. I am very good at not recognising when things go right, instead focusing in on what goes wrong. This is something that I am trying to work on, which is why I thought I’d try and recognise what went right today. So, hooray.

Progress stalled

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sitting here on my couch feeling sorry for myself. Today has been a rough day, where I have struggled so much. My head hasn’t really been in the space required for being at work all day.

In my last post, I mentioned about completing the apprenticeship at my work. It was something that encouraged me to try and better myself, to look for a new role that I could do at work. Try to find a way to progress into a better role. So when something came up, I applied for it. Had the interview yesterday, and I thought it all went well. I felt I spoke well, and said everything I could to show I’d be good.

The problem is, that whenever I apply for something, I end up visualising myself in that role. For me to give anything positive, I have to believe in myself, and nothing makes me feel self belief more than thinking how good I’d be in the role. The issue with that is that you think you are so suited to the role, you feel like you are really going to get it.

It means when you don’t get the role you want, which is what happened, the rejection hits extra hard. Because you think you were so perfect for the role, that it must be something you have done wrong. And then, for me anxiety takes over. The thoughts which say that the reason you don’t get anything is because you’re stupid. How dare you get ideas above your station, life would be easier if you could just accept your role in life.

I’ve had a cry. Ate a chippy dinner. I’ve written things down. All of which helped. I have asked for feedback, to try and figure out what went wrong. So that I can learn for the next time I apply for something. As long as I can learn something from this experience, it won’t be such negative thing. When I can show that applying for a new role wasn’t a waste of time, I will hopefully feel better.

It all sucks though.