Tag: personal

Radio Static

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is a constant chittering of noise in my brain. Some would call it ‘white noise’, the kind of noise that allows for intense focus. Except, the racket rattling around inside my head is so loud that it doesn’t allow for any type of focus at all. Which in itself is a headache, especially when you require focus.

When I was younger I used music to drown out the nonsense. The internal monologues that berated every action I undertook, and it was exhausting. So sometimes it became easier to avoid things, to bury my head in the sand. If everything I did was so bad, then why do anything at all. But, this didn’t fix anything. I felt as big a failure in my bed, as I did at my job. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life, I was never able to silence that ‘inner critic’.

To get past this overly critical thing, you have to re-train your brain and how you think. And that is what I have been trying to do over the last few years. Whilst, I am a lot more productive than what I used to be, I still have a very long way be able to believe in myself and what I do 100%. My mental health is still up and down, in general, but I am taking steps to make it better. And that is all that a person can do really. Battle to find an alternative to the static.


Head In Sand

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.

Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.

For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?

So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.

National Coming Out Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today is a day where a lot of members of the LGBTQ+ community tell their’coming out’ story to the world. It is to encourage other people to feel safe in telling the world about their sexuality. And, as a person who knows how hard it is to try and tell people, this is a good thing. And the day should be celebrated, that people should be who they are without any negative results from that.

For myself, I have found it hard. I identify as a lesbian, I like girls, and have never really been interested in boys, past that small period of experimentation as a teenager. A lot of the people I hang out with, just picked up that I was gay. Which is nice, because that way, you don’t have to cross any barrier, its just there and nothing changes. It’s hard to type this, because I have never felt that I wanted to publicise it, in any way. It would be different if I was in a serious relationship, but I am not.

When I was younger, I had this thought that I shouldn’t expect anyone else to love me, if I don’t love myself. A thought that has stuck with me for a very long time. Looking back, I think that I believed this because of my own lack of self-belief. After speaking to a therapist,  it seems that a lot of my problems with mental health and how I view myself, has come from that part of my life, when I started struggling with school and realised that, unlike my friends, I wasn’t going to achieve what I wanted. And I kind of put my head down, and just tried to get on with it. But, as time went on, my self-worth has got less and less. Which is sad.

So, I went out with boys and girls for a while, because as well as my mental health, I was also struggling with my sexuality. Part of me felt so different from everyone around me already, I didn’t know if defining my sexuality would actually make things worse. As it happened, it didn’t, but it also didn’t make things any easier. I did date a bit, but nothing has ever stuck. And, it feels like my brain needs a definate answer of why nothing seems to last, and it goes back to the thought of ‘noone can love you, if you don’t love you’. And I can’t say when the last time I loved myself was. So I have held back.

I haven’t really publicly ‘came out’ because, at the moment, that isn’t the thing which is suffocating me. And, it’s actually okay for me. I mean, who I date, or love, is something that is personal to me. In fact, there some people who may read this, and this will be the first they have heard about me being gay. Because my sexual orientation is just part of who I am, I never thought about sitting people down, and telling them about it. I think I am very fortunate though, I have  good people around me, who are very loving and have a relaxed attitude towards a lot of things.

 

Pure Ragin’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever get hit with a wave of anger? One where you just seem to get irrationally angry. Which makes you want to shout and get irrationally angry at nothing. When I get like that, how I feel seems valid, at that time. As soon as the time passes, I do feel daft, a bit like a wee kid, who stamps their feet and whines, when they don’t get their own way.

It tends to happen in places like work, where little insignificant things seem to get ‘blown up’ to be an almost life and death level of seriousness. It suddenly becomes very important that someone is taking the best work for themselves, leaving other workers with rubbish. Like, in a normal setting, my brain knows that all the work has to be processed, so just focus on doing the best you can with what you have. But when I am in  that work setting, where everything is exaggerated, there is no rational thought. Things seem personal, as if someone is trying to stop you from doing their job. They aren’t they are just making the best opportunity for themselves.

Sometimes, I think I need to remind myself to take a ‘step away’, to go and cool down. Which is easier said than done.

 

via Daily Prompt: Tantrum

January Fail

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Well, it’s like I have blinked and the first month of 2018 is over. Already. And, it already has been a crap fest. Mostly feeling run down, but it leads to everything being a struggle. Work, socialising, studying… everything seems like it has taken so much extra effort. Effort, that I don’t really have the energy for.

But it’s done with. So I shall close the first chapter of 2018, and try to get on with the rest of the year. Which is starting well, as it is taking longer than normal to write this, as I appear to have made one of my main objectives of February to cough up a lung. Lovely stuff.

One of the things I need to do is redo this blog a bit. I think that a lot of the information is out of date, and it’s just looking a bit stale. I am planning to try and get started on this over the weekend, alongside studying. As, I doubt I shall be adventuring very far till this cough goes away.

Hopes for the future

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember leaving school. I remember preparing for leaving school. I remember waiting for my exam results. Visiting colleges. The dreaded fear as I counted down the final days.

My aim, was to be a Veterinary Nurse, as I wanted to help animals. I tried so hard. But whilst I was studying in Glasgow, I started to develop anxiety. Whilst I had an issue with depression at school, college is where it smashed me in the face. It got harder and harder to continue on. Eventually I failed an exam to get on the next year, and had to get a job in a shop. Which was okay, but I didn't get on with my manager. My anxiety lead to a fear of standing still. If I stood still, then the fact that I failed as a Vet Nurse would catch up.

So I thought about what I wanted to do, as a life. And even as a kid, I either wanted to do art or something with animals. So, I tried animals, so i thought I'd try something more arty. This time I went to a local college to try Art and then Graphic Design. To support this, I left the shop and went to work in a call centre in the evenings. The ambition was there, but at this stage (my 20s) I still hadn't got any help with my mental heal issues. I speak about them, because I can see they were there, when I am looking back. It was whilst I was at college and the call centre that i eventually sought out help. I struggled with college, so I eventually ended up just going full time at the call centre. But I struggled.

Eventually, I was paid off from the call centre for underperforming. Which was hard. But I was so anxious, that I felt I was a burden to everyone around me. I couldn't sleep before work, and I would frequently end up in tears during the shift. Although I was in despair at the time, I didn't realise how much I hated the job till I never had to go back. I spent about 6 months, whilst looking for jobs, learning how to look after myself. I was in the worst mental state I had been in through my whole life. I was self-harming and didn't want to live. I only saw what I had failed at, and wanted to give up.

I spent time with friends and family, made effort, found the things that made me happy again. And about 4 years ago, I applied for a job at a local warehouse. A job I was permanent in after 12 weeks, and that I am still at. I work long shifts, but short weeks, and this has enabled me the time I needed to continue to work on myself. And it helped. I like my job, I like the people I work with, but I still feel I could do more. So I applied to the Open University to do an IT course. I have always been interested in computers, so it would be interesting. And because I have healthier ways of dealing with any mental health issues, I think I am more prepared than before, to work on a course.

I guess that is my message of this post. What you may have in mind for your career might not pan out. But it is no reason to give up. There are so many pathways available to you, so try not to lose awareness of that. Not everyone gets lucky at their first career choice, but something is there for you. I mean, IT might hot be the thing for me, but life is too short to not try.

Oh, The Pain Of It All

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I get sore. Nothing really serious, but bad enough that it such an annoyance. I get sore bits, usually joints that get a bit stressy, and decide to swell up, just to punish me for thinking I could do something. Sounds a little bit melodramatic, but it is true.

For example, when I spend my first day at work for the week, I end up with a swollen, hard to walk on, ankle. It has always been some kind of issue, but I kind of made it worse. On my first day as a permanent associate at my work, just over 3 years ago, I fell down the stairs and landed really bad on my ankle. I had to go to the hospital, and had to take a week off to ‘rest’. Yes, I know, bet my work was glad they decided to keep me around, getting injured to celebrate a permanent job. But since then, my ankle has become weak. The doctor I spoke to at the time, said that I had seriously sprained the tendon up the back of my ankle, and that it would normally take between 9 months and a year to heal. That is if I worked an office job, sitting on my rear all day. I don’t. I work in a warehouse, where I am on my feet for 10 hours a shift. So… ankle probably never got the chance to heal. And now, I can sprain it really easy, and that first day back at work, as mentioned above, I end up hobbling about like an OAP.

It is frustrating, but not anything that I haven’t had before. When I worked in a shop, not long after I finished High School, I had a lot of pain in my hands and arms. The doctor, that time, felt it looked like tendonitis. Something which can be caused by ‘over use’, that causes the swelling in pain. I was given pain killers, and after some time off work, I just got on with things. When I was even younger I would have issues too, like when taking the family dog for a walk, she would pull at her lead (especially when she saw another dog) and I would have to hold on tight not to lose her. After the walk was done, I always felt a slight ache in my hand.

It is probably the wrong avenue to take, but I have always just got on with it. Tonight I have a sore left shoulder and a sore right ankle, and I have no idea how I am going to get any sleep tonight. It has become something that is an annoyance to me, something that I take a wee bit Ibuprofen the days its really sore, and just soldier on through the rest. Some days are worse than others. But I can deal. Which comes with another annoying thought. How can I put up with the physical pain, when I crumble at times with the mental pain I suffer?

It is just proof that not all pain is equal. The pain I get in after a day at work, is nothing compared to the utter hopelessness I can feel when I wake up in the morning. But in this world, physical pain is always the thing to be cured, mental pain is often ignored. And that is sad.

Always Hungry

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am trying to eat more sensibly, to both lose weight and feel a bit better about myself. Mostly, to feel better, because no-one wants to feel like shit. So, I am trying to cut down on eating crap (mostly crisps), which is harder than what it should be. As people, with our own minds, only we can decide what goes in our bodies. For a lot of people, food is a psychological thing, it links together with our emotions. If we feel bad, have some chocolate.

So, when trying to stop that, and change things, it can be hard. Especially the whole, eating less food, but better quality. I feel good, when I can stick to plan for the day. Like I have achieved something. However, sometimes even sticking to plan, means that I get super hungry. I have read, that as long as you eat enough calories, you’ll  be fine, just fill up on water. Which is great in theory. When I am at work, I am restricted to eating at break times, and I need to carry a bottle of water, should I need a drink whilst working. No fizzy juice or food allowed on the shop floor (to stop items getting damaged). Which helps, because I can’t snack, I can work and there is plenty of free water, should I need it.

But I get really hungry. Like today, nice healthy soup and an apple for lunch, but I was so hungry before the end of the shift. I have read up on this before, and there are ideas which suggest people think they are hungry, and it is all in their head. The most common reason for this happening, could be habit. For example, you could have a biscuit every day for your lunch, and you decide to cut down, so skip the biscuit, your brain makes you think you are hungry. But you aren’t, it is just a response to change. And I think that is where I have been today. Which is a pain.

When I am hungry, there can be a tendency for me to just want to go to foods which are have zero or very little waiting time. I get really lazy, and it is bad. It is perseverance that is needed. To push through the cravings, and try to plan more. But, I am rubbish at planning. Always start off with high hopes, and then fall of the horse before I’ve properly sat down. Happens with everything. Apart from this blog, actually. So, I am trying to use this blog as an example, that yes I can make new habits, and that it is actually a lot easier than i think.

 

Lost Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.

I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.

When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I  don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.

Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.

Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct,  but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.

It’s complicated. And I hate it.

But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.

Running On Empty

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.