Circular In Motion

Isn’t it boring, when you feel like you are going round in circles, retreading steps you’ve already taken. The new experiences that are supposed to make up life, don’t seem to be all that new, for you.

I think that working full time, helps that feeling. Same shifts every week, which sees you go to do the same work, every shift. The same nonsense conversations. Running headfirst into the same brick wall, over and over again, when all you want to do is try something new.

I know complaining about my own situation seems rather self-centred when others are dying in Wars, all over the world. And some days, with the constant pain, the repetitive routine, and the thoughts of never being enough, defeat me. I should be embarrassed. I am embarrassed.

Doesn’t stop me trying again tomorrow, though. Trying to change things, and make it better.

Pressure

There is a building pressure, in my head.

It is accompanied by a dull ache, in my forehead.

It’s normally caused by anxiety.

The stress that I am not good enough.

I never feel good enough.

It happens when I have a chance to think.

When work slows down, and the cogs in my brain start whirring.

Every action, every word said, is scrutinised.

I can’t run away, the voice in my head just gets louder.

Drink water will help.

Eat something, suggests people who mean well.

I try to hold it together.

I want to hide away, but that’s not always possible.

I need to find an activity.

Give myself something to do.

And the stress, and the headache, fades away.

Exhausting

I am tired.

The kind of tired that weighs on your mind, constantly.

The kind of tired that doesn’t go away with a sleep.

The kind of tired that is more emotional than physical.

It’s left me utterly exhausted.

So exhausted I can feel it in my bones.

There is a constant haze.

It starts in my mind, and it can make me physically sick.

But people brush off my comments.

I just need some sleep.

Must be working to hard.

As if an answer was so easy

Oh, The Pain Of It All

I get sore. Nothing really serious, but bad enough that it such an annoyance. I get sore bits, usually joints that get a bit stressy, and decide to swell up, just to punish me for thinking I could do something. Sounds a little bit melodramatic, but it is true.

For example, when I spend my first day at work for the week, I end up with a swollen, hard to walk on, ankle. It has always been some kind of issue, but I kind of made it worse. On my first day as a permanent associate at my work, just over 3 years ago, I fell down the stairs and landed really bad on my ankle. I had to go to the hospital, and had to take a week off to ‘rest’. Yes, I know, bet my work was glad they decided to keep me around, getting injured to celebrate a permanent job. But since then, my ankle has become weak. The doctor I spoke to at the time, said that I had seriously sprained the tendon up the back of my ankle, and that it would normally take between 9 months and a year to heal. That is if I worked an office job, sitting on my rear all day. I don’t. I work in a warehouse, where I am on my feet for 10 hours a shift. So… ankle probably never got the chance to heal. And now, I can sprain it really easy, and that first day back at work, as mentioned above, I end up hobbling about like an OAP.

It is frustrating, but not anything that I haven’t had before. When I worked in a shop, not long after I finished High School, I had a lot of pain in my hands and arms. The doctor, that time, felt it looked like tendonitis. Something which can be caused by ‘over use’, that causes the swelling in pain. I was given pain killers, and after some time off work, I just got on with things. When I was even younger I would have issues too, like when taking the family dog for a walk, she would pull at her lead (especially when she saw another dog) and I would have to hold on tight not to lose her. After the walk was done, I always felt a slight ache in my hand.

It is probably the wrong avenue to take, but I have always just got on with it. Tonight I have a sore left shoulder and a sore right ankle, and I have no idea how I am going to get any sleep tonight. It has become something that is an annoyance to me, something that I take a wee bit Ibuprofen the days its really sore, and just soldier on through the rest. Some days are worse than others. But I can deal. Which comes with another annoying thought. How can I put up with the physical pain, when I crumble at times with the mental pain I suffer?

It is just proof that not all pain is equal. The pain I get in after a day at work, is nothing compared to the utter hopelessness I can feel when I wake up in the morning. But in this world, physical pain is always the thing to be cured, mental pain is often ignored. And that is sad.

New Day, New Chance To Try

That’s us hit March already, and I’m kind of stuck between wishing my time away and wanting things to slow down. There is no happy medium, and as I get older I find myself standing still as the world flies by.

3 months into the year, those aspirations made in January may have fallen flat. Some of mines have kind of. I am very good at focusing on what has already happened, mostly the bad bits. The bits where I have failed and things haven’t gone to plan. These are the things I seem to automatically focus on, and then I don’t have the energy to try again. Because, what is the point, if nothing really changes?

I have been spending a lot of time trying to change that. Because what happens in the past can’t be changed, all you can change is what is in your future. Which is probably really cheesy, but it is true. There is no harm in looking back at what you have done before, but if it affects what is coming then maybe you are looking too close.

I deal better with things when I have a ‘clean slate’ to work with. That moment when you close the door on what has happened, and start again. I try to get deal with every day as it comes, forget what has happened before, as nought can be done about it. However, this all depends on how I am mentally, because if I am suffering under depression, i am very likely to be so optimistic.

It’s also learning, that is okay. Not every day is going to be the best day ever, it’s not possible. Life is a serious of ups and downs, and learning how to deal with it. But today is as good a day as any to start positive changes

The Computer With The Speed Of A Snail

So, after all my problems a few days ago with my computer getting stuck on an update, it eventually righted itself. Kind of. I searched various websites for a solution, to get my computer out of being stuck in a Windows Update, and the advice was just to let it run. As I couldn’t reset the computer at all, like it wouldn’t even go into the boot menu. So I left it, and went and watched a movie. Now, I don’t like leaving computers running unattended, but I sat it on the table, and let it run it’s course. A couple hours later, I found that the screen had changed, but instead of ‘installing updates’ on the screen, it said ‘update failed, removing changes’, or something like that. But it restarted a few times, and booted up as normal.

And, this is the first day since all that, that I have been able to switch it back on properly to use, and well… it is slow. Really slow. I can only think it is the broken update that has made it so bad. But, it could be a range of things. Sometimes, with the joys of mobile phones and my general laziness, I probably don’t give the computer as much of an opportunity to update itself, as much as I should. Which I am aware is breaking the first rule in the ‘how operate a safe computer’ manual. It sometimes just takes so long, and I don’t really have the time. It sometimes feels like a hassle.

Microsoft does put out a lot of regular updates, for various reasons. It could be something that can simply make the operating system on your computer work more efficiently, as there are a lot of software engineers who spend every day trying to make things work better. I am still waiting for that update which will stop Windows hogging up my CPU, but that’s another issue. And one of the biggest reasons that software gets updated regularly, from mobile games to shopping apps to operating software is for security. Especially when every device we use daily, connects to the internet. And that is part of the problem.

It is very easy to think of the internet as an static, non-moving thing. The very concrete, reliable, sturdy ‘information super-highway’. It is almost reassuring, that we can get everything we need from some massive electronic motorway. Except, that’s not quite true. The internet is more like a flowing river, than a motorway. Yes, it has a path, and it can give so much information to everyone. But that river won’t stay the same. Every bend the water takes, it erodes the riverbank. The current takes earth downstream. The current changes, and batters all kinds of obstacles. You can always rely on the river of the internet to be there, but it is never the same every time you visit. It is always changing.

There are people all over the world who are hired to poke holes in the internet. Trying to find ways to manipulate something or other. Because if someone finds a way to exploit our internet connection, it could be a way to collect our information. And the information held on the internet, that we can access through multiple devices, can all be exploited. For example, if someone finds your Facebook details, they could find a way into your Amazon account, and access your bank details. If you use an unsecured connection, and open your banking app, someone could track your activity and get your bank details. But these exploits are constantly changing. Almost as if someone plugs one hole, water starts leaking from another.  So what is a big risk today, in terms of internet security, may not be in even a few months time. So, updates to devices that connect to the internet, can help you protect all your information. As every update, of every app, has been created to try and fix any issues which could effect your security.

Which makes me wonder, I am sitting here, writing this post, on a PC that is slow as anything. And it is probably my own fault. Having multiple devices, I should probably know better. I am going to work over the next few days to fix the speed on this computer, and hopefully, I shall then get in the habit of using the computer regularly enough that the updates can actually run properly.

 

 

Thumbs Up!

Today I am feeling very positive. Like that I can take on the whole world. Which is something that doesn’t happen very often. It may be that taking time out and doing things for myself is working, or it may just be that I haven’t been working for most of last week. Either way, it is a nice feeling. And, as I have mentioned before, I want to show a bit more of a balance on her. Making the point of writing when I am doing well, not just when I feel rubbish.

So, I am taking this feeling of positivity and turning it into actual stuff. That stuff includes writing, like this, and getting things ready to shoot a video tomorrow. Yes, I am another person who sometimes vlogs (video blogs). Nothing makes me feel better than expressing myself, and the more avenues I have to do that, the better I feel. I started off well with my vlogs, at the start of the year, but I have since fallen off that horse long ago. But, as I have said before, it is not about not doing something, it is about carrying on with that thing after a period of not doing it. If that makes sense.

I feel buzzed today. As much as I would like to think it is because it was my birthday yesterday, I know it isn’t. Being on the wrong side of 30 kind of has the opposite effect that my birthday used to have. But, I do always take time out of work for my birthday, so maybe it did help. So I was sitting around feeling a bit hyper today. So i decided to do something useful, and spend a while rambling some nonsense. Again.

This post was created under the influence of:

This video by Tessa Violet (Meekakitty)

This song by Good Charlotte

This album by Babymetal

 

What day is it?

I don’t really know. I always find it hard to keep track of the days over the festive period. Which can be a bit of a nightmare when you are working during that time.

Like, last week and this week I have only worked 2 days, instead of my usual 4, and that alone is enough to throw me off. It isn’t helped by the fact that a lot of the days are named, like tomorrow goes from being Thursday to being called New Year’s Eve, and Friday is New Year’s Day. And, I just get a bit lost in it all.

The truth is, that as the years seem to past faster as we get older, this mish-mash of the days just seems to add to that feeling. I guess the only reason years seem to go faster, is that each year we live, becomes less significant. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But if you are 16, each year is 1/16 of your life, which is more significant (percentage wise) than a 40 year old, where each year is 1/40 of someone’s life. Maybe, that’s why it feels like each year gets shorter, because we live more and more of them. 

I am aware that probably won’t make sense to anyone reading. But, after some pondering, it kind of made sense to me. 

Disconnection Notice

It has recently been made abundantly clear that my, once passionate, love affair with the internet is going through a rough patch. I am becoming frequently frustrated to the point of putting my phone’s internet off, so that people can call me if they need me, but I don’t get interrupted by the constant Facebook and Twitter updates.

Yes, I am at that stage where I am avoiding the other party of the ‘relationship’. Normally in that situation, you would change how you walk to work, or try and hang out with different people. Try and create some space between yourself and the other person. However, when your relationship is with such a thing as the internet, it isn’t that easy. Actually, it becomes so overly dramatic that a relationship with a real person would have probably been easier to deal with.

I mean, everyone has been in ‘that’ relationship, where despite loving that person, everything they do winds you up the wrong way. Where you just want smack them on the head, and you can’t really tell them why. So, you try and put some space between you both. However, saying you ‘have a sore head’ doesn’t stop the internet. It is everywhere. Everything from restaurants to tampon companies have their own twitter handles. If you liked one craft page 2 years ago on Facebook, the site recommends events near you every 2-3 days. Sometimes I feel smothered.

But that’s not even the worst bit. When I was at my lowest point, the internet came to the rescue. It showed me that I was not alone in feeling so rejected all the time, that I could voice how I feel, and all seemed awesome. But, obviously, fairy tales don’t actually exist, and reality happened. When I say reality, I mean people who like to spread hatred from behind vague avatars. This was a nasty streak in the internet that I never foresaw. It wouldn’t happen to me, we are so happy together. But it did.

Now, a person’s nasty streak is easy to deal with. You can utter sarky retorts to their insults, or you just walk away. Yes, what they say hurt may leave a mark, but you can leave that one person. The internet isn’t a singularity, so dealing with any negativity from it, is a bit harder. If someone has taken to ‘troll’ something you have created, it normally isn’t just one person. And you also may find these trolls are a bit braver than what they would be in the real world, which means more cutting comments. I did what any sane person would do, I decided I needed time apart from the internet. I stopped going onto forums and writing blogs as often, as these places are where the negativity came from. Good? Kind of. When I did log on, I saw a lot of hate and the spread of intolerance. This is not the internet I had loved and used so heavily.

Who are you these days, dear internet? You are no longer the place that I go when things get to stressful. After allowing me to feel free, after so long hating who I am, you are now lampooning me for being that same person. A normal person would at least be able to explain their actions. And, as an adult, I wouldn’t need to rely on a person for EVERYTHING. My job exists because of the internet. I get my music and TV over the internet. I contact friends around the world on the internet.

Maybe I just need to change my relationship with the internet? Or maybe get in a relationship with a real life actual person?

Or not.