Tag: mental health

Change Of Plans

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

To try and get through life, I always look to make some kind of ‘action plan’ for the week. This gives me some kind of calm, as sometimes when I don’t know what is happening in the future, I can get very anxious. And if I am in a certain frame of mind, I can have a panic attack, which is a completely awful experience.

I always have a struggle when plans are changed. For example, maybe I regularly meet a friend for coffee. Something that is a nice part of a routine, is something that comforts me. It sounds silly, but it is hard to explain. Anxiety is something that occurs to me, when I can feel things slipping outwith my control. When I have really struggled with anxiety, I have normally felt lost, and that ‘lack of direction’, can really leave me feeling alienated from everything around me. And, if you have never experience that before, it is not a very nice feeling. And it is a feeling that can exacerbate other conditions, like depression.

So it really can trigger me when plans that I have, change unexpectedly. I always try to have a list of things that I can do at any one time, so that if plans change, I can try and move on to something else. It helps me feel like I am still in control, despite the fact that changes have happened outwith my control. It is something that I have been working on for years, but sometimes there are moments where I do still panic when stuff gets cancelled without much notice. For example, I was due to meet a friend for coffee the other week, and they cancelled. Their kid was sick, so they had to become housebound. Nothing I could do, but I got stupidly paranoid. I got this idea in my head that I had done something wrong, and that it was my fault that my friend cancelled. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t get past that thought. I couldn’t focus on anything, and had a few emotional breakdowns as a result. It sounds completely stupid now, but it didn’t feel like that at the time.

But have a constant list of alternative activities usually helps. It stops the doubt breaking into my mind, and it can help me stay angst-free. Mostly. Now, although it doesn’t work all the time, I know a lot of people who suffer from anxiety. And it really is something that can seriously effect your life. So I would recommend to anyone who suffers from anxiety to write up a list. My list includes things as read a chapter of a book, go for a walk and watch something on netflix. These are temporary things, but they keep my mind occupied and stop me from panicking. So I hope the idea might work for others too.

To-Not-List

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have talked regularly on here, about what helps me get motivated. Because it has been something I have struggled with for years. One of the big things that has helped, has been writing ‘to-do’ lists. It is a simple way to methodically work through anything that is needing done. And the best thing is, that if you are feeling that little bit under motivated, you can make the items on your list. Like it seriously helped me tackle my anxiety, and I’d have days where I would have ‘put on socks’ and ‘go to bathroom’ on my list. But when I ticked them off, I’d feel motivated to get more of my list done, and I’d actually achieve something on a day where it would have been easy to do nothing.

But sometimes, a list doesn’t work. That happened yesterday. I came home with a huge plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote up a list, mostly chores, but also things like ‘tea break’. I came home, lay on my bed, and didn’t really move. I watched a movie, and then watched all the extras on the disc. Including commentary. And that was it. Nothing. So, when I woke up today, I thought about how to do an alternative. I needed to do something that would keep me going. Inspire me to do the tasks, like housework, that I don’t think anyone really wants to do.

But I came up with something that worked.

I filmed it.

I know that sounds silly. But, I just used my iphone and filmed wee clips as I got on with my day. And I did get everything done that I wanted to. And I even went out for a walk, and filmed bits of that too. Something that was really just me bumbling around doing what I needed to, ended up leading me to want to do something a bit different. It was a nice night so I went for a walk. It is amateur as anything, as it is all on my phone, but it was fun. I uploaded it online cause, I can. I like anything that leads me to express myself, and I ended up inadvertently doing that. The video is below.

I guess the point of this is, that sometimes what you may use to cope with any anxiety may not work. It hasn’t happened to me very often. I guess, the important thing is to stay calm. There is no need to panic, just know what it is that normally calms you, and just look at a different angle. All I did, by videoing my day, was record what I did slightly differently. And that small difference, made a huge difference to both my anxiety and productivity.

A Little Peace

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

Points Of Interest

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you like? What ‘stuff’ makes you happy?

Everyone has different things that makes them ‘tick’. Something that inspires them to get through a tough day. Something that helps them unwind and relax. Something that cheers them up when they are sad. Things mean different things to different people.

I have lots of different things that make me happy. They are mostly food, music and football. The food one is unhealthy. I have a habit of ‘eating my feelings’, which is never a good thing. If I feel like crap, I eat crisps and lots of fatty snacks. It is one of these things that I know is unhealthy for me, but I still do it. Because it has become a coping mechanism, when trying to deal with those down periods in life. It seems easy because it is something simple, buying the stuff is the hardest part. But when done, I feel bloated and rubbish for an entirely different reason. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, as I have to re-train myself on how I deal with things. And that takes time. Yes, I am slowly moving away from relying on comfort eating, but it I’m not there yet.

As mentioned, i have grown up being a fan of both football and music. I support my local team Dunfermline Athletic, and at the moment they are flying high in Scottish League 1. The team are 5 wins away from lifting the title, and winning promotion back to the Championship. I have always loved football, but when I lost my job a few years ago, I turned to football. Dunfermline were going through it a bit, they went into administration. It felt like what I was going through with my lack of job, was mirrored in the what was going on with the club. Fortunately, they have built themselves back up slowly over the years, as have I. Seeing how close the club were to the brink, gives me hope, knowing they got through it.

Music was a big thing for me, particularly when I started getting bigger problems with my mental health. I felt so alienated by how I was feeling, and nobody around me understood. But, music helped. Listening to albums by Good Charlotte, Rancid, Blink 182, etc, helped me feel not so alone. Through the internet, mostly band forums, I was able to connect with fans of the bands that I had come to love. Some of these fans were going through the same stuff as I was, so we helped each other. It’s not just though, sometimes listening to Cattle Decapitation can lift me after a shit day at work. Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits might wake me up in the morning. NWA have always made me want to paint and be creative. Different music effects my mood differently.

Which all sounds awesome, and it is. For me. What doesn’t help are people’s reactions on what makes me better. Noone thinks that I am overweight because I couldn’t talk to anyone. People seem to believe that you can’t like certain types of music, if you like football. But anyone can like anything. Anyone can rely on anything to cope. It is not for anyone to take away from something that another person likes. You should be the person who decides what you like. Nobody else.

Positive Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So we are in February already. Usually the quick passing of time gets me quite depressed, but not at the moment. I feel like 2016 has got off to a fantastic start so far. Even with the few road bumps that have occurred.

I feel like I have always been quite open in here, as I have attempted to deal with the mental health issues that I experience. I spent 2015 trying to learn how to deal with bad stuff that happened to me. The biggest problem, is that for years I have struggled at looking past anything negative. I was upset about things that had happened, and worried about things that could have happened in the future. It’s really so stressful.

So, I have put a lot of effort into try to focus all my energy on making every day, better that the day before. Which is hard, almost like re-training yourself. Which is hard, because it sometimes feels like society trains us to be overly negative, just by the tone everything is. Sometimes, it feels like we are expected to be overly critical of ourselves, something that starts at school. We are taught, or I feel like I was, that I could work my arse off, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. And, I think that has bred the anxiety that has caused me issues as I’ve grown up.

But, by focusing on now, and doing the things that satisfy me, I have been a lot happier. If something bad happens, I’ll still feel bad about it, but I’ll also do something that makes me happier. This helps move my focus on from what is negative. And by that simple thing of changing my focus, I stop thinking about whatever bad thing has happened.

I talk about it a little more in the video below

Accomplished

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

That is my Christmas organised. Everything is either already been given, or is sitting under the tree waiting to be opened. And it feels pretty great. 

Today, I heard people complain on how Christmas is stressful, and they wish they could cancel it. Christmas is one of the least stressful things, for me. I like the idea of finding a gift for a loved one, to let them know I care about them. It’s a bit of a ‘thank you’ for sticking by me for, yet another, disappointing year. And, as I get older, I am appreciating Christmas as the time I get to catch up with old friends, even just for a coffee. It’s that one time of the year, where everything seems to slow down and we can catch our breath.

However, there have been a few years not long past, where I did struggle at Christmas. Where in the run up, I felt lonely, despite being surrounded by people. I realise now, that the loneliness was something in my head, which at the time, only seemed to make me feel isolated. I faked my way through it though, to scared of letting anyone down any more than I needed to. That is not a good way for anybody to feel at any time of the year, but the festive period has a habit of exaggerating any feelings of negativity. 

My way through the bad feelings was to try and ignore them. And whilst it may have made the people around me oblivious, it made my mental health so much worse in the long run. 

So if you are feeling sad this Christmas please speak out. Your friends, family and colleagues do care about you, and may not try to help if you don’t say anything. They maybe don’t want to pry. But say you are finding things stressful, people will try and help you. 

If you feel like you have no one to talk to, there is always somewhere to turn at this particularly emotional time of year. Please visit http://www.samaritans.org or call 116 123 (UK & Ireland) for free and confidential help. 

Ball Of Sunshine

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

Where To Lean?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has their own problems in life, and as much as we try to keep things to ourselves, we have to rely on other people every now and then. We need support of those around us to help us keep going in times of hardship. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, to look around us in times of hardship, for reassurance and guidance.

But what do you do when you look around you, and can’t find that moral support that you need?

We live in a world where we can easily become surrounded in gadgets and gizmos rather than people, and we don’t realise how alienating it can be. I only noticed that recently when a person around has decided to make a change, and got all the support she needed. But when had previously turned to them for help, I was kind of ignored. I kind of felt rejected. And then my anxiety decides to have it’s say. I mean, maybe I can’t find the support because everything I have tried before, I have failed at. When I start thinking like that. I don’t want to ever try anything new again. And it’s upsetting.

When I first started having problems with anxiety and depression, I really couldn’t feel like I could turn to anyone around me. That’s where the internet has come in use. I found a place where I could rant and rave, and I felt like I wasn’t imposing my issues on anyone else. I feel that I have a lot of stuff to deal with, and sometimes it would be nice to have someone to turn to. A person to share stuff with, but everyone else has their own lives and issues, I don’t want to weigh them down with my drama.

Forever A Child

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I feel that I am in a state of permanent childishness. Despite getting older, I have never grown out of my fondness for cartoons, soft toys and comic books. I get told frequently, that this is not something so unusual these days. As those adults who grew up in the 80s and 90s are very likely to be overly nostalgic as the realities of adulthood seems to crush their once high hopes for life. That is not supposed to come across as depressing as it sounds, but it is true. Thinking about it, this is probably something that every person goes through as they leave the security of adolescence. It’s just ‘these days’, society seems to pander more to our wishes to be back in a time where life wasn’t quite so difficult.

I say this as an adult sitting on a Hello Kitty bed spread surrounded by Disney and My Little Pony plushes, listening to the soundtrack from Tangled. It makes me feel content, which considering I had a panic attack buying a newspaper the other day, isn’t something that I am willing to ignore. I get so easily stressed out by normal situations, it’s not hard to imagine gaining comfort from childish things.

When I look back at myself as a kid, I was myself. I did what I wanted, dressed the way I wanted, I was happy. Playing kerby out in the street or playing ‘Cuppy’ in the field next to my house. I was always busy, always outside running around. As I got older, kids got a bit cruel. I always remember my mum saying that I was ‘built like a rugby player’ when I was wee, cause I was so stocky. And that never changed, but it’s not very cool looking like that as teenager. And it so happened that there was a few people who would bully me when no one was looking. Like walking home from school alone, or if I had a class without any friends. And it shook my confidence. It took me a long time that what happened at school was bullying, in my head it was just stupid people. Which was okay, but those stupid people really chipped away at my confidence. And I haven’t really been able to re-gain it since. Which sounds sad, but situations in workplaces, like what happened at school, occured and just continued to make things worse.

It seems that my brain is looking for the things that make me feel happier again, to help me deal with failing at being an adult. I feel bad about work, it’s okay, Ocarina of Time a is on my 3DS so I’ll play that for a bit. It’s not a way of avoiding things, as some may think, it’s a buffer. It is there to make me feel better when I feel a bit worn down by life. And as coping mechanisms go, I think that watching Adventure Time or singing to 90s boyband songs is no bad thing. It does suck when I think that my childhood was really the last time I was secure about everything I was. But that’s why I’ll never give up trying to better myself, and find ways round these roadblocks my brain likes to put around me.

Pushing Through

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every person will reach a roadblock at some point. It could be physical, psychological or situational, but there will always be something that could stop you from reaching your intended goals. This is something that can be very disheartening, and is a pain to get through, as the more time that passes it feels that your goals are edging further and further away from your reach. It is hard to know what to do.

My main roadblock is my mental health, which I do talk about frequently on here, and I do find it hard to get past it. Particularly when I only end up doing part of a task, if that. There is this sense of failure that overcomes me, and it is a reason for my internal voice to berate me for being so useless. When that starts to happen it is hard to do anything at all. I can’t go for a walk, make a cup of tea, put on music, do ANYTHING that normally relaxes me. I am left in a state of loss, I never know what to do. I have no will to do anything, because what is the point if I am just going to fail. And it is something that I have struggled with for years.

But, after years of not really getting anywhere in life, I am teaching myself on how to deal with these roadblocks that I have. When I become discouraged because I feel that my goals are out of reach, I am trying to move the goals closer and making them easier to achieve. This may mean that the target is not as big as originally intended, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing if it gets me moving again. And when I have tried this, it seems to be working more and more. The feeling of achieving small goals is a lot nicer than the feeling of failing everything.

Maybe if you can’t pass a roadblock, building small steps will help you get over it or find a different route.