Struggle Party For 1

September 25, 2025November 11, 2025 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have recently been posting prompt posts. Partially because I have had a completely lack of creative motivation, but also because I just feel stuck in a rut. So, I have to retain myself, hold back, so that I am not simply whining all the time. Which is something very easy for me to do.

I am currently ambling along, just keeping myself to myself. Work, come home, do nothing, eat crap, not meet up with people, ignore texts, just sit and wallow. It’s one of the these things where I just feel like a burden to myself, so why push myself onto anyone else. I just feel useless. Like, if the world was a giant swimming pool, I’d be the person in the corner, struggling to keep my head above water, as I doggy paddle in a shallow edge.

There is this idea, which I’ve seen posted around social media, which states that to make a positive change in your life, you need to start by making small daily changes. One positive thing a day. That positive thing may not be something huge, it could be making your bed when you get up in the morning, putting some laundry on, or even remembering to brush your teeth. The idea is that the more you do these ‘small things’ the easier it is to get yourself moving and those ‘big goals’ can seem more reachable.

It also means, that if you start off by doing these small things, your mindset changes. You achieve something before you even get started on your day. Which, if you are someone like me, who struggles to do anything when the routine of work is not present, it is super helpful.

So what did I do today? I made my bed, and opened my curtains. And jogged to the bus stop this morning. I am actually feeling better for it. I just need to keep going.

Make It Better

April 16, 2025 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

There is an idea that is banded about the internet by self-help gurus and people selling courses, where if you can do one ‘good action’ per day, you can get closer to your goals. Whatever they may be. Which is a good idea. You just have decide what ‘good actions’ actually are.

Because, for me, what is classed as something productive, or a ‘good action’ may change from day-to-day. Today, getting up at reasonable time, cleaning my nespresso machine and making myself an actual coffee, was pretty productive. Other days, I have work, and maybe execrise after a 10 hour shift may be the productive thing. And then, there are the days, that simply eating anything is a good thing. It all depends how my headspace is, and to be honest, as long as I step away from social media and doom scrolling, I tend to be happy.

But to see genuine movement in your life, you need to do things regularly. You need to get into a pattern, practice behaviours so that they almost come naturally to you. That is why I think that there is such a massive market for ‘self-help courses’. People think that if they spend money on something, it will magically make their resolve better and their goals more achievable. It doesn’t quite work like that. It takes a lot of effort to change, and it isn’t some task you can pay someone else to do.

Unfortunately.

Why am I mentioning this? Over the years, I have purchased many self-help guides and courses. And they have all been a waste of money, where, like everything else, I don’t have the follow through to make anything actually stick. Like all the empty journals and diaries which initially hold the promise that ‘this time will be different’. Incidently ‘this time’ wasn’t any different, and things gathered dust rather than being used. My focus is almost like the tide, the largest waves of motivation, is followed by the recoil where all motivation disappears, and eventually the motivation builds up to wave in shore again. It can be so frustrating.

I am left questioning how to start to make things better, in a realistic way. A way that works for me. Is there a way that works for me?

Another Year Round The Sun

April 3, 2025 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is my birthday today. I am 41. Birthdays seem a lot less fun than what they used to be. I have spent the day relaxing, and contempating.

That’s all birthdays become once we get older, or that’s what they have become for me. Wondering why is it that I have have seemingly sidestepped what every other adult has decided is the benchmark for life. This belief that if you don’t achieve these pre-existing terms of service, you haven’t lived. No child. No marriage. No mortgage. Being alive, and having a job is expected, but you are looked down on for not doing certain things.

There are times where I can brush it off Tell people that my 20s were where my mental health crumbled. Where suicide wasn’t even a thought, it was actively attempted. My 30s were about trying to pick myself back up again. Was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis, after years of complaints and fighting with doctors. ‘Horrific cramping in your hands stopping you from doing things? Maybe you just need to go to WeightWatchers.’ It has been hard, and I am feeling better than I did a decade ago. Still not 100%, but better.

But there are times where I feel a loss. Feel like I have been so stupid that I have not been able to be successful. So insecure, that I must be 10000% honest and share everything, and then put my foot in it. Losing out on oportunities. So I then stop saying everything, and try to only say what other’s want to hear. But somehow that is wrong too. It is like every step I take, there is a pothole that causes me to stumble and fall, whilst everyone else walks by unaffected.

This feeling doesn’t go away. And I don’t write about it for sympathy. I write about it to help lessen the weight it hangs around my neck. That getting the thinking out my head, allows me to focus on something else. Sometimes the ‘something else’ is more of the same. But, every once in a while, that ‘something else’ is something a little brighter, a step in the right direction.

Though, it has become abundantly clear, I don’t quite know where the right direction is.

Goodbye 2024…

December 31, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Another year is almost over. Already. 2024 has been a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ kind of year for me. There have been some highs, some lows, and a whole lot of struggling.

I aimed high with a lot of my hobbies, and ended up doing hardly any. I wanted to write more, create more, and look after myself better. Instead all I did was order so many take aways, that I am surprised that Just Eat didn’t gift me shares over Christmas.

I know what things make me happy, but I don’t feel I deserve it. Personal and professional growth was not a thing this year, unless you count my scales. What is the point? Every thing I aim for ends up rubbish. That feeling is something I plan to leave behind in 2024.

2024 wasn’t all bad, travelled to Germany for the Euros, which was amazing. Saw Blink 182, Paloma Faith, Tom Walker, live. As well as feeling lucky to call ,many talented musicians, friends and see them smash it. I read a lot of interesting books, listened to lots of music. Made lots of great friends to chat f1 with. McLaren won the 2024 f1 championship. Lots of laughs with lots of great people.

I wish happy new year to everyone who may read this. Take the time to spend with loved ones, and be kind to yourself. This time of year can be very difficult if you are struggling. Reach out, speak to someone you know. Life isn’t easy, and sometimes we all need a wee hand. Samaritans is a charity, based here in the UK, is one I have turned to many a time. Call them on 116 123.

Problems with fandom

November 20, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Ever since I first got access to the internet, way back in the High School library, I would look up the bands I loved. A lot of band sites, would have their own forums, where you could speak to fans from all over the world. Disecting albums, and lyrics, comparing collections of scrapbooks and merchandise. It was so much fun. Then MySpace, where you became ‘friends’ with bands, and even learned coding to make your profile look cool.

Over the years, social media has become such a huge part of most of our lives. Musicians, actors, tv presenters, politicians, you can be ‘friends’ with them all. Doesn’t even need to be a person, companies send messages to followers, and build up a familiarity. So, people feel connected with people they’ll never meet, and companies feel like friends. Sometimes people need a reminder that they don’t actually know these people they may chat to on social media, as they begin to feel personally involved.

My time on social media at the moment, seems to circle around Formula 1. It is a sport I have loved since I was a child, where the only contact you had with the teams and drivers was through magazines and the TV show around the race. The content we had to consume, then, was nothing compared to what we have these days. And social media is a massive part of that. As said before, connections are forged between fans and their favourite drivers and teams, and these connections can feel very personal. Which is all great, fantastic for advertising, and often creates great promotion for the sport. The communities are filled with people disecting races, and press conferences, talking about livery releases. It can be a lot of fun. Until it is not.

Because people feel so personally connected and affected by the goings ons and offs around the track, things can get a little tense. People can take it upon themselves to ‘defend’ their hero, and do so by attacking other fans and drivers. Doesn’t sound too bad, folk say, ‘just click off social media’, ‘go outside’. But it can escalate very fast. It becomes less about a person defending their favourite driver, and more attacking the drivers they don’t like. Which starts creating whole other problems.

Lance Stroll from Aston Martin, is a driver which attracts a lot of negativity. His father owns the team, and helps keep his son’s position in Formula 1. And whilst drivers have maintained positions on teams in similar circumstances, some fans have taken to heavily dislike Lance. The issue isn’t people throwing comments into the obyss of the internet, it is people sending Lance fans abuse. Sending death threats. Inundating people with abuse. Last season, a Lance Stroll fan I was friends with over on Twitter, attempted to take their life, because people were sending so much abuse. I don’t know on what planet that is okay. Ever.

It’s like, whilst the lines have blurred, and people are closer to their heroes than ever before, they are also so close it’s become abstract. We are so close that nothing seems real, and people have no attachment with what they say and who they are saying it to. It is not just fan on other fan crimes, either. Earlier this season, French driver, Esteban Ocon, had to release a statement about abuse that was sent to him, his team, and his family. It got so bad, that the hashtag of his name, has been banned from TikTok, due to risk of abuse. There has been racist abuse angled at Yuki Tsunoda and Zhou Guanyu. Lando Norris has had abuse sent to him and his team, including his esports team Quadrant. Last season Max Verstappen and his partner recieved a lot of abuse. Sky sports presenter, Karun Chandhok, has had racist abuse sent to his social media, as well as sent to Sky Sports socials.

Criticism about driving and opinions is one thing, abuse is another. It is not just restricted to formula 1. K-pop bands, movie franchises, boybands, tv series, there are fandoms for almost anything. Situations like the ones I have mention above happen others. Actors and actresses leaving TV shows due to abuse, because the fandom didn’t like their character. Someone speaks poorly about a certain band member, they’d better not sign online.

The point I want to make is that behind every account, whether it be a famous personality or a business, there is a person. A person with feelings and a life. A few years ago someone told me that if I was angry, write down the negativity, if on social media write the comment and save it to drafts. Then, go do something else. Come back in at least 30 minute, 95% of the time, you will simply delete whatever you have written. I find that it stops any angry over-reactions.

Scheduled it

October 6, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

If this post is online, it means I have not got round to posting today. When I decided to post every day, I wrote up a few backups for if I had a day where I struggled. Either I am busy, or my health has got in the way. The reason I decided to post a backup to schedule in, is because sometimes it’s okay to make plans so that you are still moving forward towards your goals.

So this is a wee message to keep going. Get some backups going for days life isn’t going to plan. Means that things can keep ticking over, whilst you get yourself back together. We got this.

By the Sea

October 3, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I live in Scotland, mainly the Kingdom of Fife, which has lots of coastal areas and beaches. Which is scenic, but may not be perfect for a swim due to it being on the North Sea. I have read that the cold water is good for your health, but I have yet to personally experience. I don’t mind the cold, but I have my limits.

Forth Rail Bridge goes across the Firth of Forth.

I grew up seeing the sea from my bedroom, in fact I still do. It’s something that is calming, the sounds of the waves and the smell of salt in the air. In these times, where my mental health has been so poor, being near the water has a grounding affect. If I have a bad day, I try to will myself outside for a walk, and hopefully down to the water. If I can’t, go and watch the cars drive past on the motorway, for some reason this has a similar affect.

I was speaking to a friend, who lives in the USA, and they have about 30 hours to travel to the coast. I have no idea what I’d do. Even when I stayed in a city for study, it was Glasgow and there was the Clyde. Which was great to walk along. I really feel grateful to live in Scotland, in a place where I am so close to the sea.

Blogtober? A Personal Challenge

October 1, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 4 Comments

About 10 years ago, there were different challenges almost every month. Where people would attempt to do something creative every day over the course of a month. It could be drawing, sketching, writing blogs, recording video diaries, making songs… there were so many options. The idea was to transform a hobby that you love into a habit, in that you do it regularly. It is a sound idea, but in practice it takes a lot of dedication to do properly. Something that I always start out well with, but then stop.

I am having a lot of self-esteem issues right now. I don’t particularly like myself, and I don’t really know what to do about it. I made this promise a few months ago, where I would make attempts to improve my life by the end of the year, and have done nothing. Nothing of value anyway. And, it is making me feel really useless. Which is why I thought I would try a wee creative challenge, as being creative, writing especially, does make me feel better.

I am very good at giving up at the first obstacle. And I know it is because failure is something I expect, I start things and don’t actually think I’ll see it through to the end. I know it sounds really stupid. Why even start something that you don’t think you’ll actually complete? Optimism? I think I start thinking that I can do whatever I aim, but quickly I can get overwhelmed and frustrated by it all. So, then I break down, and everything grinds to a halt, and any progress I had made is for nothing. It is a personal trait that I do not particularly like about myself, but it is a thing that can change. It will just take a lot of effort and work.

So, that is where I thought that doing a ‘no pressure’ challenge like blogtober would maybe help. Because, there is no real consequences if I fail, but there may be real encouragement in my real life. Because, there are a lot of things that do need to change, and I NEED to be proactive. And my uni course officially starts this month, although I started looking at stuff a few weeks ago. So being proactive is the right way to be.

A lot of people seem to start new challenges in October. Are you trying something for the month?

Never Giving Up

September 9, 2024September 9, 2024 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Education is something that I have struggled with. As a teenager, and as a working adult, you are encouraged to seek out a further education, as being educated is the only way for you to have any shape of career. My issue is with education, is that what I think I can deal with, and what I can actually deal with are two completely different things. I can easily become overwhelmed and have a habit of burying my head in the proverbial sand. Which then leaves me too far behind in whatever plans, to actually be able to do anything to fix it.

I have attempted further education multiple times, and each time I have found myself bowing out in utter failure. I used to do so well in education, especially when I was younger, and in the early years of high school. It would then get to. the point where I couldn’t prioritise what I needed to do first, so things become overwhelming. I remember being told to leave the Higher English class because my prelim exams and coursework, where not meeting the minimum grade. This is how a lot of Schools manage their exam results in league tables, give up on folk who are struggling. I am a constant writer, a bookworm since I could read, I was completely flummoxed by the fact that I couldn’t ‘do’ English. As the remarkable Ralph Wiggum says ‘Me fail English, that’s unpossible’. Because I had always felt that reading and writing was my strong point, I lost a lot of confidence. And, I think that helped make my confidence in myself fail, because if I couldn’t do something that I actually thought I was good at, what chances did I have of doing anything else?

I tried Veterinary Nursing, which I loved, but believed I was useless at it, so failed the course. It then became too expensive to continue re-submitting coursework, and then re-sitting exams, I ended up working in Greggs instead. That job frustrated me to no end, so I thought about what I could do next. Well, I loved art. So, I went to do that. Did the first year okay, but completely messed up the HNC twice. Just became so overwhelmed between doing all the coursework and then working at a call centre every evening. There was no time for everything, and I just struggled. I then started at my current job which is warehouse work. I started studying IT through the Open University. And it has been a rough ride, if I were to be honest. Again I misjudged the time I needed to do the work and have had to take a couple of gaps.

Well… it’s not over. Not yet anyway. I have applied to start another unit, slowly continuing my work towards my degree. The good thing about a place like the Open University is that they try to promote the idea of life-long learning, and that if people need to take breaks it’s okay. They have been super supportive when I said I wanted to go back, and there was no judgement, no negativity, just lots of sources for if I do run into bother again. Which, is great. I also had advice when selecting what course I wanted to pick. Normally, part-time learning at the Open University is taking 2 30 credit units per year, where each 30 credit unit is an estimated 10-15 hours a week of study. This is where I had an issue, as I work full time, more if I do overtime, and the time to study 20-30 hours a week was impossible. Hence, my previous failure. One of the advisory team at the OU stated that maybe I can try one unit this year, and see if that goes better.

So, that is where I find myself. I am still working away full time, and tomorrow, the website of my new course opens. I am studying is Communication and Information Technologies. I received the books on Saturday, and I am pretty excited to learn something new. The difference is, that I have already opened up dialogue with the support team, in the hope that no barriers crop up this year. So, that is already an improvement from the last time I studied. Onwards and upwards, as they say.