Tag: life

Belated Happy New Year

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I was feeling rather low over the festive period, so I gave myself a break. 2024 was always going to be strange year, with it being where I reach a a milestone birthday. So I did my usual, overthought everything, and then feel bad.

Anyway, one should be grateful of seeing another year out, or so I am told. It is because not everyone was able to see in 2024, so it is a privilege being here. Which is a positive idea, that I try to hold on to. The problem is that I am not very good at holding on to very much these days. And it does get me down, as feeling useless has a tendency to do.

However, 2024 is a new year. I hope to document the good stuff a bit better. Focus my energy on the stuff worth the time and effort. Hopefully.

Prompt Time: First Day

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I remember my first day at Amazon, my current job, like it was yesterday. It was in fact over 10 years ago. Which is crazy. I guess time flies when you are having fun.

I applied to Amazon because I needed to get a job before Christmas, I needed money. I had never worked in a warehouse before, my previous work experience was all customer service based. All I had to go off was the reputation the place had, which was not too good. But, I figured that the only way I’d know what things were like, was if I tried it for myself. I had decided before I had even set one foot in the building that I would try it till Christmas, and if I didn’t like it, I could look for something else after that.

The building itself was beyond anything I could have imagined. The warehouse was so big, and it was filled with so many thousands of items. Everything from kitchen sinks, to children’s story books were on the shelves. I remember thinking it was like a super sized supermarket. It was only too easy to go down the wrong set of stairs, and then take a right turn instead of a left, and you were in a completely different part of the warehouse. I stored things on the shelves, and there were so many rules. I remember being told them, and it was simple yet super confusing at the same time. So much information to remember. But, it ended up being easier than I thought. I started speaking to people in my start group, and it was crazy that people came from all over the world. I’d never worked in a place like that.

I started with an agency, the first time I’d ever done that, I was always hired directly by previous jobs. I never had any problems with them, in fact the only time I talked to them was when I needed a holiday. And then my ‘job till Christmas’ idea fell away when I was made permanent within 9 weeks.

My last job, I had began to hate 4 years into it, and by the 6th year, I was so miserable. But this time, 10 years in, I am relatively happy in my job. My managers are aware of my health issues and help me, whenever I need it. The hours are reliable, same days, same shift, same breaks every week. Means that I can plan my life around work easily. And if I want overtime, for bills or a holiday, I can get it easy. I have made friends from all over the world, and I actually am happy going to work. Which, after 10 years, is quite an achievement.

Time Was Rushing In

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

How are we half way through November, already? I went into Town today, and found that all the Christmas decorations had popped up, and I had the audacity to be surprised that Christmas is just round the corner. I don’t know how, because Christmas is the same date every year. I suppose, I may have been distracted with my own problems that time has just disappeared on me. I, as usual, am not at all prepared for anything of ‘the season’.

Anywho, today has been a successful day. I have been struggling with pain recently, and been really sore most days. This means, that I have been doing the bare minimum. Not today, though. I was up early and had breakfast, then even did the dishes. Crazy stuff, I know. I then went into Town for the bank, and met a friend for coffee. I came home had some sweet and sour for dinner, and then came onto my laptop for a while. I actually updated by ‘about the author’ page and the banner links, so my Threads and TikTok accounts are linked. These are the social networks that I use the most.

It is a good feeling that I did something useful today. I am very good at not recognising when things go right, instead focusing in on what goes wrong. This is something that I am trying to work on, which is why I thought I’d try and recognise what went right today. So, hooray.

Take A Break

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently I have enjoyed some time off work. It wasn’t the usual, staying at home and pottering about. For once, I actually went away for some sunshine, away to Cyprus (with stops in Amsterdam and Paris). I hadn’t been abroad since 2019, before the pandemic, and it felt great to get away. I had never been to Amsterdam or Paris before, so it was nice to see somewhere different

Amsterdam was a flying visit, and was really hot. The transport into the city centre, from the airport, was very easy, and the city seems very walkable. You just need to be mindful for the bikes, as they are everywhere, and they don’t always follow the traffic lights. There are designated lanes for bikes, to keep them separate from cars and pedestrians. We took a trip on a canal cruise which offered wine and cheese along with the canal cruise. When I travel with my friend, we never really do tourist stuff, so it was a nice different experience.

It was a lovely way to see the city, and was so relaxing. I would recommend it to anyone who needs to see the city, as it was a lot of fun, and super relaxing. And I think it was the only way for someone, as clumsy as me, to see the city without being run over by a bike.

The main point of the holiday was for the Scotland football game in Cyprus. For me and and my friend, it is has been our annual holiday, our chance to experience another country. We were based in Paphos, which is a lovely part of the country. Spent a lot of time chilling out, and reading, which to me is a great holiday. And also spent a lot of time singing Scotland songs at the pub. Which is normal for a tartan army trip.

@suewantsariot

Scotland are in Cyprus. In Paphos, outside the wonderful flairspaphos. #bagpipes #scotland #footballawaydays #cyprus #tartanarmy #TAontour #holiday #paphos

♬ original sound – Sue

The stop on the way home was Paris. The plan was to spend a few hours in the city, and do some tourist things, like we had done in Amsterdam. But, alas, this did not happen to our expectations, mostly due to a run of bad luck with public transport, which concluded with arriving at the airport 30 minutes before gate closure. It was a nightmare. But all ended okay. We did spend a few hours in Paris. Saw the Louvre and Notre-Dame, and had a (late) breakfast at a wee cafe, which gave us free pastries. (Note: I will never say no to free food.) It was a lovely city, and I would really like to go back and explore more.

By the time we landed back in Edinburgh, it was pouring down with rain. And, with how hot it had been on our holiday, I, for one, was very happy to see it. I came home, got a take-away, and relaxed with a movie. But, to be honest, as much as I love going away on holiday, nothing beats getting back in your own bed. That night was the best sleep I had experienced in weeks. The only problem now, is that I feel like I need another holiday already.

To Keep A Hobby

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been having regular phone calls with a therapist, and one of the topics that has been discussed centres around hobbies. It is something. that I never used to have a problem with, in fact I had lots of hobbies. Reading, drawing, writing… just lots of wee bits that I’d do outside work. Over the last several years, I have struggled do anything regularly for any decent length of time.

So, during my appointments, we have been discussing how to start doing hobbies regularly. I always start off with good intentions, but then I miss a day, and quickly lose any momentum. I have been doing some reading on how to start doing things regularly. It is rather difficult to find anything actually useful, as most results seem to be about how to use hobbies on a CV or in a job interview. Which is not what I am looking for at all. I mean, a hobby is supposed to be something that you do for enjoyment, something to help you chill out from work or any other stresses of life.

It then frustrates me, because I end up stressing about not doing hobbies. So, it has the opposite affect that what is intended. It is super annoying, if I were to be honest. It is like when I want to do something, no matter how fun it might be, my brain seems to list it as just another task. So, whilst I may get excitement and enjoyment whilst doing the thing, I can’t get the motivation to get the activity started. It is a bizarre feeling to have, let alone try to explain.

Ouch

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I am finding myself struggling these days. It is numerous in reasons, but focuses around the fact that I am sore. My hands and my feet seem to be the big problem. And, I am honestly just so tired.

It feels like my muscles have always been easy to strain. Like, if I lift something too heavy, my hands are sore for days. I sleep on my arm, which I seem to like to do, my shoulder and neck can be sore for over a week. Or, that is what happened last week. I remember complaining about this years ago, and the Doctor telling me it was tendonitis, but surely not every tendon. It obviously isn’t every tendon, but it feels like it sometimes. And then my rheumatoid arthritis has good and bad days, which is the icing on the shit cake that is my health.

I thought I had an answer. I’d go to the gym. Sign up for a monthly pass, and go at least 1 morning a week. Hasn’t happened, yet. Mostly because when I am mentally knackered for having to constantly push myself to do things, so when nothing is planned, everything just stops. I run out of ‘oomph’ to push through the pain and do something. As I sit here typing this, both my hands are sore (typing is taking forever), both my feet are sore, my right ankle is painfully swollen, my right shoulder hurts, and there is pain in my neck every so often. And, I am sitting down, and despite being sore, this is the most comfortable I have been all day. It is one of those days where the 12 steps in my house that I take to my bedroom, feel like a marathon.

I am working to lose some weight, as this should help my foot pain. I hope. But, because I struggle to get moving sometimes, exercising is very challenging. That is without my brain deciding that leaving the house is too much for the day. I am trying to do my best. I did get out today, visited my friend, despite my walking around like an 80 year old. And when I waited for my dinner to cook, I had a wee dance to some ska and oi music. It’s the wee things, I guess.

A Week End

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It is finally my weekend.

It is Saturday night and I am sitting watching some quiz show, that doesn’t seem to have much questions. The good thing is that it is TV that I can ignore, which is perfect after a week of training new people. There has been so much talking at work this week, that I feel like I am losing my voice, whilst also being sick of the sound of my own voice.

I was planning on taking some overtime next week, but I was too slow. It gets put on an internal app, and it’s a free for all on who actually gets the overtime. I, unfortunately, was too slow, and never managed to book anything. Which is annoying, as I am due to go on holiday to Cyprus in a few weeks. And I want to take as much money as possible. Alas, my plans don’t seem to be coming together.

So, because of this, I have a few days off work now. Which, is a good thing, since I am so so sore. It is just trying to keep myself busy, as when I go idle, I get bored and sore. So, a lot of effort has to be made, to keep going.

Yuck

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying in my bed, with the worst stomach pains I have had in a long time. It almost feels like I have been punched in the stomach. Maybe something was wrong with the veggie kebab I had for dinner. I feel most comfortable lying down, so that’s why I’m in bed before 10pm.

It does not help that I am also feeling sore. This means that I am dictating this post on my phone. My computer is better at this than my phone, which is strange. I figured that because they are both Apple, that they’d work the same. It’s a strange thing, where I feel like I need to learn how to speak clearer. But the strange thing is, that when I speak on apps like TikTok and put subtitles on, it picks up everything so well. So the capability is there, it’s just not

Anyway, I have one more day at work, and then it’s the weekend. I am going to try and have an early night, in the hope I feel okay for work tomorrow. Yay!

Trying Help

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Because my mental health has been poor recently, it has been effecting my work. Where I have been getting very overwhelmed, and struggling to complete my daily tasks. It got to the stage, where a few weeks ago, I was so worked up and had several panic attacks, which led to me speaking to team leads and my manager. I felt so stupid, but I didn’t want to let people down at work anymore.

I was referred to the Occupation Health team at my work, where I was scheduled appointments to discuss my mental health. We started looking at the big triggers, the things that would start me feeling negative about myself and my situation. One of the biggest things are when I feel like I have no plans, or things are out of my control. I feel helpless, and in turn, stupid, which makes me feel very anxious. So, one of the things that were discussed were figuring out a routine that I could do, so that I wasn’t aimless at any point. I did try and set up plans for my mental health a few years back, but I found it really hard to stick to, and because meetings with the doctor were irregular, any plans I made fell away.

I am currently having appointments with the occupational health therapist once a week. We talk about the things regularly, and I have tasks to go away and think about. It feels very pro-active, which has been very helpful. Sometimes I think that it is nice to talk to someone who seems to understand what I am thinking, and can even offer some suggestions as to why I think the way I do. I always feel silly when I try to speak about the way I am thinking, but to have some validation, it feels nice. It is like I am not as daft as I think I am, which is strange, but does make me feel good.

I am concerned that at some point, I won’t have these meetings any more, and I won’t be able to keep up any plans I have made. But, I am getting ahead of myself. I am making steps, and they seem to be going forward, for once.

Things To Do When You Are Unable To ‘Do’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written on here previously, that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Which is something that leaves me sore most days, especially days where I am not physically running around at my work. Days where I am left sitting in the house, because moving around, or even doing the most basic task is difficult. For days, like this, I find that I need to have tasks that take my mind away from the frustrations, that being in pain can bring. I also feel like if I do nothing, then I am letting myself ‘waste a day’, which is a big problem with my anxiety, and starts a whole different problem.

The easiest thing to do is have things that are accessible for me to do. Which, considering most of the problems I have are either with my feet or hands, can sometimes be challenging, especially when you don’t have a very good attention span. But, there are some things that I like to do.

Reading: Something that has always relaxed me is reading. I love the idea that you can become absorbed in another world from the safety of your own home. I have always read physical books as a preference, I find comfort in holding a book in my hands and seeing the visual progress as I read my way through. However, when I am sore, holding a book can be hard. So, I have a Kindle, and Kindle apps on my phone and iPad, so that I can read on whatever is easiest for me to manage. But sometimes, a digital device isn’t enough, which leads me to audiobooks. Not something I have ever grown up appreciating, but I do now. If I just need to lie and wait for pain killers to kick in, I can play a book on my phone, or amazon echo, and I can still drift away into a world that hopefully isn’t as sucky as mine. I am currently listening to Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and it is a great story.

Writing: I know I haven’t been posting very much on here, but I have still been writing notes and pages of stuff on my computer and phone. I have grown up writing in journals, progressing to keeping blogs online. But, one of the biggest barriers for me, was finding that typing and even holding a pencil could be really challenging. If my hands don’t want to co-operate, then I couldn’t write. Luckily, these days with all the technology, voice-to-text features on most modern devices, which means that I can dictate what I want to say to my computer or phone. It is something that I am only still getting used to, but I have used it to help me create this blog today. I just need to remember to proof read, because as good as it is, mistakes are still made.

TV: I am awful at watching new tv shows. It takes me months to get through anything that I haven’t seen before. I can normally, at the most, get through 2-3 episodes at a time. If it is on normal scheduled TV, it’s even worse, because I forget when the show airs, quickly fall behind, and then can’t be bothered anymore. And sometimes, I find myself getting worked up because I can’t even watch a TV show. So, I go back and watch old TV shows I have watched a million times before. The shows I am currently watching are Daria, Friends, Gossip Girl, South Park, and Gilmore Girls. I usually end the final series, and go back to the start again. I think it’s comforting to know that if my attention wanes and I stop watching, it doesn’t matter because I have seen it all before. It sounds silly, but it is like a comfort blanket. Which, when I am feeling crappy, comfort is what I need.

The biggest problem with hobbies, like drawing, is that I am struggling. I know it sounds silly, but I have lost a lot of interest in things around me. It does seem like it’s because I have been struggling with my mental health. But finding things that I can enjoy is better than focusing on things that I am struggling with. Try to boost any positive feelings I can get.