Tag: improvement

Plotting A Path

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Further education has been a thing I have struggled with, over the years. I have always envisioned a life for myself higher up than the entry level where I find myself permanently situated. It is frustrating, but, I have to keep plodding on. It doesn’t feel like there is any other option, if I were to be completely honest with you.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be a Veterinary Surgeon. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to get grades that would allow that to happen, I leaned towards Veterinary Nursing instead. Fantastic. Except, when I was staying in Glasgow, to access the Vet School, I found myself really suffering under poor mental health. I didn’t fit in with anyone, and I felt pretty lonely. I remember being shouted at by one of the lecturers because I was helping look after a dog in the hospital, and I couldn’t remember something she asked me. It was in front of so many people, and I was degraded. I think I was 19 at this time, and it just made everything worse. With my mental health already being awful, I then felt I couldn’t do anything right. It became such a distraction, I failed the end of year exam. I went to work in a local vet practice, and the guys there helped me build a new portfolio to submit and helped me study to resit my exam. Unfortunately, my confidence was already rock bottom, so I failed again. At this point, I couldn’t afford the money to re-register as a student vet nurse, to re-submit another portfolio, and sit another test. I was so stressed, I got a job at Greggs and let it all go.

Greggs was not an enjoyable experience, the manager was awful. She was a bit of a bully, and she had a tendancy of firing people who didn’t agree with her. You cleaned a counter wrong, you were written up. It was horrible, so I decided to find a way out of there. I applied to Lauder College (now Fife College), to do art and design. I loved art, and creating things, so maybe I could do this. So I left Greggs, got a part time job in a call centre whilst I was in college. I made so many friends at college, and it was an enjoyable experience. The only problem was I was at college for 8.30am, and would go straight to work after, by the time I was home it was often past midnight. I’d sit up to the early hours doing coursework, going to bed at 3 am, just to do it all again the next day. No surprise, my mental health took a major dip again, and I failed to keep up with the workload from the college. So I ended up dropping out and working at the call centre full-time. It was a horrible job.

I eventually ended up in the warehouse job, where I am currently working. I have been trying to get an IT degree through the Open University. My mental and physical health problems have made any progress slow, but I am still slowly making progress. I think. The problem is, that I have been in my current job for 10 years, and whilst, once upon a time, working hard would see natural progression up the corporate ladder, that is not the case anymore. There are so many people who have degrees these days, they come in at management level, even without experience. So, the only way I thought that I could fix that, was to get a degree myself. As said before, my health problems don’t make it particularly easy, nor does the fact that my doctor suspects I have ADHD, which would explain so much. I have had to pause my studies for a year, to try and help myself, and am trying to get back into things after the summer.

I have come to the conclusion, that as easy as it seems to be for some people, to pick a degree and simply do it. Things aren’t that easy for everyone. It might take multiple attempts to get to where we need to be, and it might never happen. I do like learning, I just need to find away that it works. There is a special type of uselessness that comes with feeling stuck in the same role for multiple years, especially when it seems like everyone around you are progressing. And, I need to find a way to get rid of that feeling. As well as the possibility that I worry that my work may no longer be around in the next 5 years, so I have to work hard and focus on next steps.

Work It

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I work full-time in a warehouse, 40-50 hours a week, standing on my feet every day. As much as I try to look at the benifits that a physical job can bring (25,000+ steps a day), I feel like I should be doing something better, be building some kind of career. I have seen myself ‘window shopping’ for something a bit more developmental. But after 9 years in my current job, I find jumping into the unknown of that new job, is something that I really don’t have the disposition to currently deal with.

My job is currently 4 days a week, as stantard. I often work an extra day, to try and get the extra money required for the things I want (i.e. a new car). Even with that extra day, I have 2 days off work a week. A weekend that falls on a Sunday/Monday, and allows me to plan to have a life. Note: as much as I do plan for a life, I often flake out on most things, and do a whole lot of nothing instead.

So as much as I would like to not work in a warehouse for the rest of my life, the standard, reliable shift pattern helps me. My brain isn’t very great at dealling with stuff that changes, especially without me having any notice of said changes. In fact, work is the one routine that I keep. I am forever missing appointments, be them doctors or otherwise. Because I feel like I know my job, and am mentally comfortable in the enviroment, it means I actually find the routine helpful for my mental health.

What is the answer? How do I give myself the challenge that I feel my life is missing? After some reading around different possibilities, I landed on the Open University a few years back. Maybe try to study something, so that I would be able to get more opertunities, maybe even in my current workplace. So I started an IT and Computing degree. There has been a few roadbumps along the way, as I struggled with my mental health. This month, however, I have started Level 2 of my degree. For part-time learning, 2 units are taken a year. There are 4 units in each level, and there are 3 levels. So,I am about half way through. The problem has been that the work load is a tad more than what I had planned for (someone doesn’t read things properly).

The University says that it should take about 20 hours a week to get through the course material (10 hours per unit). This is a lot, when working full time. Not too much, just means I have to be disciplined and do my studying when I plan to. Luckily, I am enjoying the material, so it is not as hard as I thought actually working through the material.

I like this new challenge, and hopefully I am still able to combine it with work. I just hope it stays being a challenge I can do.

Hello 2019.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The start of a new year, already? It’s pretty scary how time just seems to fly by, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It’s important to make the best of whatever time you have, and that includes relaxing.

This year, I have a few things I want to sort out.

1) Finances- I pretty much live payday to payday, which is pretty sad. It’s no way to live life, as you can feel permanently broke. So I am planning on setting up my bill payment account, and I won’t be able to touch the money that goes into there. It’s going to need a bit of discipline, but I am aiming to spend a lot wiser next year, and hopefully save some money.

2) Be Healthier- I am very unhealthy. I do a lot of walking, but I eat so much crap. This year is about progress, so I want try and move a little forward with my health. It includes eating better, and doing more exercise, as well as looking after my mental health. My mental health was awful last year, and it was like a brick wall that stopped me from doing so much. I want my health to stop being such a burden on my own life. So more ‘body positive’ and self-care in the year ahead.

3) Read More- this sounds a pretty weak one, but it’s important. I have always read, but last year I really struggled. Reading is something I need to have focus for, and I haven’t had the focus. So I am going to try and put time aside to relax and read to unwind.

It’s not a lot. But they are things I would like to achieve. The start of a new year always feels like a fresh start, but it’s not really. It does feel like a good opportunity to push myself to be better, but every day should be like that. But, it psychologically feels to close off a year, especially if it feels like a bad one.

Let’s see what 2019 has in store.

Monday Madness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The start of another week. Already. Sometimes I wish that the time would slow down a little, as it seems to go too fast. It feels, especially at the moment, that I spend most of my time procrastinating or lying in bed. Lying in bed, procrastinating. *sigh* I have no idea why I am like this, but it means that I feel the passing of time so much more. Mostly, because I have these ideas, which go nowhere because I am too lazy to put these ideas into action.

There is a good thing. I am currently very energetic (possibly thanks to the coffee). So I am painting things for my Christmas cards, drawing sketches for a project I am helping a friend out with, and I even tidied up a little. This is crazy. I am NEVER that motivated, so I have to make the best of it whilst it’s here.

So I am watching Rosianna and wishing that I had friends who used the internet and valued it as much as I do. Yes, I value the internet. It is there for every purpose. It is there when I need to let any aggravation out. And, if needed, I will get feedback from the internet when I want it. And the thing is, I don’t know anyone who thinks that me having two blogs is a good idea, they don’t see why I would want to record myself for youtube. Sometimes I would like to spend more time with people so that we could encourage each other to make better web content. Because, that is what most of what we do online is. Creating content.

Even if you post a Facebook comment once in a blue moon, or you write a daily blog, you are packaging a piece of yourself for the world to see. To me, I think it is great, but I know a lot of people don’t think outside their own profile page. I think it is amazing that we can document our lives through these avenues of expression, and that other people can see what we have to say. I created my original blog over on LiveJournal, way back in 2005. And it came with me, on a large portion of my life. I know that if I had written such thoughts down in a book, the book would be lost as would the thoughts. So it is nice to have them to document who I was at that point.

I think that is where the perception of ‘time’ hits me. I look back at what I have done, and it doesn’t feel so long ago, and then I look at the date. I realise how much I have done between then and now, and just reflect on it all. Which is great. I mean, I blogged about when I used to self-harm. And as uncomfortable as it was to read all that, it is great to know that I can deal with things a lot better these days. It makes me feel like I have achieved something fairly major in my life. And that although, I had shared my feelings over the internet, it really doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than myself.   It shows me that I can do things, if I stick to it. And that, is sometimes just what I need to hear.