Updates Smupdates

I have been having a bit of a nightmare recently. Where I don’t feel like I have anything to say. It doesn’t sound too problematic to most people, but when you are used to expressing yourself in a therapeutic way, it really becomes suffocating. I have previously found that anonymity of writing things online, without it effectively anything in my personal life. Recently though, I have been finding that more and more things are getting back to people, who are getting offended that I don’t want to talk to them about my problems. And this means that I don’t write down or say anything, because I feel guilty that I can’t simply phone someone up and explain away my feelings. I wish that would work, but it doesn’t for me.

As a result, I have been hesitant on what I write down in personal and public journals. And it has been awful. I feel so much more stressed than I had been, when writing regularly. This could be just a coincidence, with me getting phased on anti-depressants at the same time I found it difficult to write about things, but it feels more significant than that. I think that it hurts that the one thing that provided me with some relief with my mental health issues is now triggering the same issues that I would write about.

My anxiety gets triggered by a lot, but feeling guilty is a major one. A lot of the time the guilt is about something that has nothing to actually do with me, personally. I always worry that someone has taken offense to what I have said, and it really stresses me out. I have panic attacks, which are very messy and full of tears. I will dwell on things for days. If someone speaks to me harshly, then I assume it is something I have done wrong, so I panic over it. Someone can say something to me that they will forget within 10 minutes, but I will stress over it for days. It’s frustrating because, logically, there is nothing for me to be concerned about, but logic doesn’t seem to be a factor when anxiety takes hold.

I remember when I first started having mental health issues, when I was a teenager, and everything was just brushed off. I lost count in the amount of times that I was told to ‘grow up’, something that stuck with me for a long time. Like, this big, dark cloud that I was dealing with, was just me being immature. It wasn’t, but by the time I realised this, had stopped turning to people, as I was obviously a burden. I fear judgement and guilt from turning to other people, something that is a massive part of my anxiety. And now, the same people who told me to ‘grow up’ all those years ago, want me to talk to them?

It is difficult, and people should always be mindful in how they act towards others. Just because something doesn’t effect you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect other people.


Sometimes I wonder how differently people see the world. I don’t mean what they actually are looking at, but what is their focal point?

For example, the picture below, is a photo I took today. A rainy day in Dunfermline. Now, my focus was the town clock, which is where the town centre is located. It is a building that stands out in the centre of Dunfermline. But, whilst my intention was to focus on the City Chambers and it’s big clock, the first thing that everyone else sees are the ‘To Let’ signs that hang outside the empty shops.

It is pretty strange when you start thinking about people’s individual perception on things. When I was younger, I thought what I thought, and anything else was simply wrong. But, that’s not right. People perceive things differently, and come up with their own conclusions.

I find that kind of beautiful really. That everyone perceives everything slightly differently. They have their own thoughts and feelings that could impact any choice they make. It all depends on how they view things.

Doomed, doomed I tells ya.

I don’t know about you, but I have a habit of looking at the bad side of life. Focusing on the uncomfortable stuff that stresses you out, rather than the stuff that makes you happy.

I know that every day is a mixture of positives and negatives, but it is hard to focus on the positive if you can’t get past the negatives. It’s like there are roadblocks everywhere I turn, and I can’t even get to my destination. It is so frustrating.

I said a few days ago, that all I want to do is commit to everything I try to do. But I just don’t know how to commit to something fully, when I can’t find the focus, because my brain is taken up by the bad thoughts.

I need to try and change my perspective on things, but it is hard. I don’t know where to begin. That is a good thing, I guess, that we live in a world where there are unlimited resources on the internet for free. So I guess, I should have a look around. I think it is too easy to think that we know everything, and that we don’t need to learn anything else. But life is about constantly learning, so that we can better ourselves, better our lives. And that is the only way things will get better, to learn new stuff.

Just have to find somewhere to get help, and start making things happen. Hopefully.

Climbing Back On The ‘Ole Horse

I am struggling with motivation.

The writing and drawing that normally gives me immense pleasure, is not doing it so much for me. And it’s a hard thing to get round. Because I tend to feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings to someone face-to-face. I write about them instead. If that doesn’t work, I concentrate all my energy into drawing. And I can feel any frustrations melt away.

But, sometimes, like recently, the ability to express myself so freely hasn’t been there. What I write makes no sense, and I can’t focus enough to draw. So, in turn, I have to try and deal with all the feelings I have in my head. Which proceeds to either me over-reacting to things irrationally, or just a complete breakdown of tears and snot.

It’s difficult, and noone tells you how to cope with that. And it’s a hard lesson to teach yourself. The only advice I can think of is never give up. I can’t tell you how many times I have closed an empty blog entry or put aside my sketchbook recently. But, by persevering you will eventually crave what you haven’t been able to do.

Maybe surrounding myself with more inspiration would help. Right now, I am surrounded by mess and clutter. That needs to change.


What is respect?
Respect is something that every person feels that they deserve. This is something which came into my mind after me and my dad had a ‘discussion’, where he raised his voice, but when I attempted of countering him by raising my own voice, I get accused of having no respect for him.

What is respect though, really? Respect is giving ‘kudos’ to those around you. It’s treating people well, it’s listening to their opinions, and accepting what they say, even if you have differing thoughts yourself. It’s not difficult, it is all about treating others the way that you want to be treated. It is a quality that is forever being claimed by various religions, especially Christianity. I remember as a child seeing that being kind and respectful, was being Christian. It isn’t, it is a part of human nature, which I don’t believe to be lumped as a religious action

Not that I am against religion or anything, but I don’t think that basic human behaviours should be tarred with some kind of cliquey movement be it religion or political. This is something that I believe strongly in, and it is a pet hate when I get told that certain mannerisms make me part of a certain group. But, that in itself is human nature. We find it easier to associate with anything, if we divide it into groups. So, its like behaving a certain way, immediately makes you become part of a social grouping, based on how people seem to stereotype each other.

Just like how because I was quiet at school, and liked to read, I was classed as a ‘geek’, and so many people I had this idea that I lived in a big house and listened to classical music all the time Where as my brother rebelled a bit more at school, and was called a Ned, mostly because I wore sports gear, without doing sports. And people would get that idea about him and hos friends, and automatically think that they were out to start bother, despite the fact that they weren’t.

Well, I happen to have gone on another rant about stereotypes. I swear that was not the purpose of this blog, but I have put a lot of time and thought in to it. *shrugs* It must be said though, I am rather good at this whole ‘going off on a tangent thing’.