Tag: fear

Blue Monday?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s supposed to be the most depressing day of the year today. I don’t really understand the idea of dubbing a random day ‘the most depressing’.

I have been reading a lot about mindfulness and how most of what we feel is based on perceptions. So we assume things will be bad, because of the angle we are looking at it. I feel that is what happens when someone tells you a day is supposed to be depressing. You get into that mindset, and there is no getting away from it.

I’ll give you an example. I have been wanting a car, since I passed my driving test in November. I have now been 2 months since I passed my test, and because I haven’t been at a driving wheel since I had a melt down. Now, since I passed, I made the choice that I’d wait till I saved up money, and get the right car. But I made the mistake of reading all these negative articles about ‘Blue Monday’ as I ate my cereal this morning. Because I have so many issues with my mental health, I always think I am prone to these periods where depression runs high.

I was going to get a lift to the gym this morning, but my sister was taking her time, and a bus was due. So me being me, I left and went for the bus. All good so far. But then I started thinking about how at 18 she was offered to share a car with my dad. My brother was that age when he was gifted a car. And i couldn’t even get someone to come and look at cars with me. I started freaking out. What if I forget how to drive? What if I get in a car and freak out? What if I am never able to get a car? I got so worked up, I was sobbing at the back of the bus.

I stayed on the bus, despite just wanting to go home, and went to the gym as planned. I then sweated all the negativity out of my system, and I now feel better.

I feel I got so upset by reading all these articles about how people more successful than me felt low today. I mean, the whole idea of Blue Monday, is because people are waiting for the first payday after Christmas. That doesn’t apply to me, as I get paid weekly, but it didn’t stop the bad feeling. And I think by digesting all this writing about why I should be sad, I over-reacted to something completely different.

I have been reading The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein, and it is a book about changing your mindset. Putting trust in the universe and stop worrying about a future that hasn’t happened yet. The book tries to explain that by thinking in ‘love’ rather than ‘fear’, we can transform our lives. It sounds really silly, but this is revolutionary to me. It got me thinking how negativity does effect my day, and my life. I am trying to do the lessons that are in the books, but it is hard. Like everything, new habits need to be formed to make a difference.

Maybe the first habit I need to break from, is sensationalist articles on social media, trying to tell me how I should feel. Focus on the feel-good. Try a bit of positive mental attitude.

Hide From Headlines

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Living in a world where the news is available 24 hours a days. A lot of the news reported is depressing. Now whilst this sounds quite selfish, I can only speak from personal experience. When I was younger I feel that what happened in the news had more impact, that I thought about things more. I was able to read through the newspaper once a day, or watch the 10 o’clock news. Get a review of the daily news, and then if you wanted, you could look into it more. Research what has happened.

Now, the news channels constantly roll the same news. Finding different angles, different specialists, but still repeating the news stories continuously. This makes the news become flat. It can sometimes become a bit monotonous, and the news that would have caught ones attention years ago, just all blends into one another.

As people become more apathetic with the news, networks and publications do more to make themselves stand out, to retain their audience. They want to be the first to break news, whether the ‘news’ be true or not. American news network, Fox News, recently responded to the Paris terrorist attack by saying Islamic extremism was accepted in areas in Europe. To try and prove a point, the commentator stated that cities like Birmingham exist, where the city is a no-go for non-Muslims. This is entirely wrong, as it estimated that 21% of Birmingham is actually Muslim. This is Islamophobic fear mongering. It is just nonsense, but shows how far agencies are willing to go to try and gain an audience.

Personally, anyone who uses a genuine story where people have died, to make up lies to reinforce the ‘fear factor’ shouldn’t be reporting news. How can people judge what they do see on these networks and in the papers, if some use it to back people into a corner? To make them fear for their lives?

So maybe, it’s a good idea not to absorb the constant news coverage. Yes, educate yourself on what is happening in the world, but don’t let yourself becoming overwhelmed. Because the stuff that is happening in the world is scary, it is big, but you should know the truth. So read from varied sources, small bits, so you can get the facts, and not get beaten down by a specific parties lies and exaggerations.
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Hope that made a little sense. I don’t trust the news I watch, with papers having political alliances and ‘specialists’ reporting lies. And I don’t know if other people find the same issue.

Fearing Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

All Change?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Changing your website seems to be something which is rather fashionable right now. Every website or internet based product I use seems to be doing an end-of-year update. Whilst, this is something I know is important, to keep sites feeling fresh, I just seem to see it happening a lot right now.

Maybe it is just the services I use. It’s not like the service provided by these sites are changing, just how I find things. It involves a change of habit, and those aren’t always so easy to change. I think that people’s negative opinion of change stems from the fact that people in general, are afraid of change. So, in defence, any change is met with an over-bearing sense of hostility, as if acting in such a way will get rid of the change that is threatening them.

Which as noble as your anger is, it doesn’t make the slightest difference, as change is going to happen. It is a hard fact of life that nothing will stay static forever. So the quicker you can accept change, the happier you will be. I mean, there is enough stresses in modern-day existence without creating more stress over nothing. I mean if YouTube stopped you from viewing and uploading videos, then fine, but they haven’t. Just changed the layout. Yes you have to learn new paths to get what you want, but the stuff you want and need is still there. So no need to be angry and vengeful against the site’s creators for trying to make things a bit different. Change happens to us all, so try not be so untrusting of it.
Listening to- Miss America by The Fates (watch the video below)

PS- Umm… the snow at the bar at the top is playing with my eyes. So strange.

The Longest Bus Journey EVER!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Or it felt like it.
Since the escapades of Friday (if you don’t know what I am talking about, read the previous entry), I have been slowly calming down. Seeing as I was in complete shock, and COULD NOT stop shaking. Yesterday was fairly quiet, and despite the fact I wanted to go back out, I felt nervous and told myself I wanted to relax at home. I wish I could say it was nice, but I had so much time to think. The very thought of going outside on my own made my heart beat faster. I did venture out with my mum and sister, but that was just to the High Street, and it only took 20 minutes. So I was housebound, self-inflicted, and spent the day trying to distract myself from going over the previous days events in my head.

This kind of failed, and the events kept on playing out in my mind pretty, much in a continuous loop. So I woke up today, and decided I would venture out. This would have been good, if I wasn’t so nervous, and despite much begging to other people to get them to accompany me, I still ended up on my own. So I decided to bite the bullet, and travel through to Kirkcaldy on my own. Something I had in my head, but was actually shitting myself at the prospect.

Now, I am a very independent person, in that I am very good in my own company. Sometimes I actually thrive in it. I go to gigs on my own, go on holiday, go shopping, I pretty much live a solitary existence. Which is fine by me. I like being in my own head, usually. But today I felt like I needed someone to distract me from my thoughts. But, it didn’t happen, so I decided I’d and go out on my own. Again, I should mention I was still really nervous about going out of the town where I live, as the last time that happened I swear my life flashed before my eyes. I got on the bus at the end of the street and read Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan. Today the book was my only ally against this fear which was building up to the point my heart was racing. But the distraction didn’t really make any difference. The bus journey of about 45 minutes felt like hours. And as I got closer to my destination, I was shaking. It seems a bit melodramatic now, but I was shit scared of being somewhere on my own, and have something happen again.

But, of course, I got to Kirkcaldy and nothing notable happened. I didn’t even find anything I wanted. Whilst this seems a bit pointless writing this into a blog entry, I felt it was needed. The relief I felt when nothing happened as I walked around the shopping centre was immense. To know that nothing had changed, and I could still carry on as normal. When your confidence takes a knock, you are always told to ‘get back on the horse’. Well, my horse was a bus, and I am so glad that I did it. Whilst I am still slightly jumpy, I am happy I did go out on my own. And at the end of it, when I was waiting for the bus, it became the fear that was driving me to leave my comfort zone.

Some people believe that fear is a good thing. Everyone has a fright now and then, and it is how you deal with the frights that decides what kind of person you are. And I guess I am determined, but ask anyone I know, and they’ll tell you that. I’ll do what I want, no matter what stands in my way. And I am happy to report, that whilst I may be a bit more attentive to my surroundings, I’m not going to let my life change.