fat

For as long as I can remember I have always been on the heavier side of life. When I was little I was always told I looked like a wee rugby player, something that never bothered me at the time, because I quite liked rugby. As I got older, the comments got a bit harsher. All comments made towards me, seemed to be about my weight. Something that I did my best to ignore, I was fairly active (so I told myself) so I couldn’t be that fat. I ignored it, and invested my time in doing what I wanted, eating what I wanted and enjoying myself. Which there is nothing wrong with, the problem is knowing where to stop. I didn’t.

When I was at school I got my first job, a paper round that gave me less than a £5 a week. Wasn’t a lot, but it was my money. I spent it on magazines and crap food. I’d quite happily spend my hard earned money on multipacks of 6 packs crisps, which I’d sometimes eat in one day. It gave me a sense of control, which was needed as school, something I was always good at, started to go downhill. I was struggling, and all my friends seemed fine. Eating would take my mind off thinking about being a failure, and I didn’t have to bother anyone. As I have got older, food has been there out of habit. When there was something I couldn’t talk about that was bothering me, I’d scoff junk food and wash it down with fizzy juice. And the more money I have, the more junk I buy.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I was watching a health program last night, where people were weighing themselves to see how overweight they were. Now, I have weighed myself fairly inconsistently over the last 6 months or so, but the numbers were numbers, and I made no real connection with it. I mean, what has a kilo done for me? But I was intrigued and weighed myself, to see what ‘weight class’ I came in. At 5 foot 2, I weigh 103 kg.That makes me OBESE. It’s kind of slapped me in the face a bit. I knew I was fat, always chubby, but never thought obese. After a cry to myself, I spent last night browsing the effects of obesity, and what it does to your body. Well, two things were highlighted straight away to me. First, obesity can cause muscle pain and inflammation, something I have dealt with FOR YEARS. Secondly, a bad diet can have detrimental effects on your body’s ability to fight bugs, and the bad stuff. I have been suffering with various illnesses over the last 6 months, which could have something to do with a poor immune system.

As a bigger girl, I have always been against a certain figure being the aim for every woman out there. Every person has their own shape. And that’s okay. But, the moment your body starts rebelling against whatever life choices you have made, you should listen and change few things. And that’s all I want to do, change a few things. My body isn’t very happy. I have the complaints of joint pain and a cough that just won’t leave, and I also have no energy after a shift at work. It’s getting to the stage that I feel like I am missing out on life, because I can’t be bothered doing anything. And of course my anxiety then jumps in, and convinces me that if I can’t be bothered with myself, why should anyone else. And that is how I devour several packets of crisps instead.

What if losing weight does help my health issues, like my mental health? I know it won’t solve every problem, but maybe it could make things easier. I just haven’t been able to relax since I read about being obese. It’s no one’s fault but my own, I accept that. So if I am to try and fix it, I need to take full ownership in that too. I am back using the Weight Watcher online tracker, and going to see how that works.

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I wanted to talk about this on here, as this blog has been a good way of helping me through problems previously. So because this has been something stuck in my head, I thought I’d write about. Hopefully documenting my feelings in such a way will help keep me moving. Fingers crossed, and I’ll try and write down any progress or issues I am having.

Sometimes in life we stand out, and are made to feel insecure by others. It happens to everyone at one point of their lives, be it school or workplace, or even at the supermarket. It can zap away all your confidence, and make you feel less than nothing.

I have had the most experience in this with my weight. Where it seems to be okay for people to ask me if my thinner friend is single, but nothing else. It is also apparently okay for people to call me names for being fat. Now being the ‘overweight friend’ my whole life, I know what shape I am, and I don’t expect to be shouted at by strangers about it. Most of the time, a couple of deep breathes can get me over the angst I feel, but sometimes the comments get stuck in my head. At it’s times that I can get worked up. I cry myself to sleep at night and just hate myself.

I have been reading about ‘fat appreciation’, something that gets posted about mostly on Tumblr, from my experience. It tells overweight people not to feel ashamed about their bodies, and learn to love who they are. But the very idea of making unhealthy people feel good about themselves gets a lot of bad responses. ‘Why should people feel good about being fat pigs?’

I believe that a lot of people, like myself, eat when they are unhappy. And the negative reactions that we can sometimes get from people we don’t even know, can make us very unhappy. It is a known fact that happy people are more proactive in general, hence workplaces spending millions making their workers happier. If an overweight person feels better with themselves, then they may stop gorging on crisps, and will chance going for a walk or to the gym. And the best thing is, if they feel good about themselves, then any negativity that is thrown in their direction, has more chance of being ignored. Also, if a person can learn to love themselves, then anything else that they want to seems a little more in hand’s reach.

Tag: fat

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