Tag: eating

But… it takes effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying on the couch, lazing in the sun, whilst a documentary about hill walkers is on the telly. I’ll be honest, just watching them walk up Ben Nevis is draining. I think it is because I feel such lethargy for everything at the moment. The world seems on fire, and I am finding it rather hard to do anything other that the basic.

I think the hardest thing for me is eating regularly. One of my aims for 2024 was to lose weight, but I have in fact put on weight. It feels like, yet another, failure. I always need to remind myself that I have been in pain, my arthritis has been a headache for the last few months. With me having issues with medication, causing problems with me physically doing things. My feet, my knees, and my hands are sore and swollen, especially after my work. As a result, I spend the weekend trying to recover, as if you didn’t know, pain is exhausting.

Part of me knows that if I was able to lose weight, it would help things like my pain and my energy levels. But, it is hard to do anything. Especially when recently, I don’t feel hungry, I just get sick. Which, in turn, makes me not want to eat. I did watch a video on TikTok, where a person said that they set alarms for when to eat, and stick to it. It didn’t matter what it was, but they had to eat something, be it a whole meal or just a piece of fruit. Maybe that would be a good shout.

Always Hungry

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am trying to eat more sensibly, to both lose weight and feel a bit better about myself. Mostly, to feel better, because no-one wants to feel like shit. So, I am trying to cut down on eating crap (mostly crisps), which is harder than what it should be. As people, with our own minds, only we can decide what goes in our bodies. For a lot of people, food is a psychological thing, it links together with our emotions. If we feel bad, have some chocolate.

So, when trying to stop that, and change things, it can be hard. Especially the whole, eating less food, but better quality. I feel good, when I can stick to plan for the day. Like I have achieved something. However, sometimes even sticking to plan, means that I get super hungry. I have read, that as long as you eat enough calories, you’ll  be fine, just fill up on water. Which is great in theory. When I am at work, I am restricted to eating at break times, and I need to carry a bottle of water, should I need a drink whilst working. No fizzy juice or food allowed on the shop floor (to stop items getting damaged). Which helps, because I can’t snack, I can work and there is plenty of free water, should I need it.

But I get really hungry. Like today, nice healthy soup and an apple for lunch, but I was so hungry before the end of the shift. I have read up on this before, and there are ideas which suggest people think they are hungry, and it is all in their head. The most common reason for this happening, could be habit. For example, you could have a biscuit every day for your lunch, and you decide to cut down, so skip the biscuit, your brain makes you think you are hungry. But you aren’t, it is just a response to change. And I think that is where I have been today. Which is a pain.

When I am hungry, there can be a tendency for me to just want to go to foods which are have zero or very little waiting time. I get really lazy, and it is bad. It is perseverance that is needed. To push through the cravings, and try to plan more. But, I am rubbish at planning. Always start off with high hopes, and then fall of the horse before I’ve properly sat down. Happens with everything. Apart from this blog, actually. So, I am trying to use this blog as an example, that yes I can make new habits, and that it is actually a lot easier than i think.

 

Points Of Interest

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you like? What ‘stuff’ makes you happy?

Everyone has different things that makes them ‘tick’. Something that inspires them to get through a tough day. Something that helps them unwind and relax. Something that cheers them up when they are sad. Things mean different things to different people.

I have lots of different things that make me happy. They are mostly food, music and football. The food one is unhealthy. I have a habit of ‘eating my feelings’, which is never a good thing. If I feel like crap, I eat crisps and lots of fatty snacks. It is one of these things that I know is unhealthy for me, but I still do it. Because it has become a coping mechanism, when trying to deal with those down periods in life. It seems easy because it is something simple, buying the stuff is the hardest part. But when done, I feel bloated and rubbish for an entirely different reason. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, as I have to re-train myself on how I deal with things. And that takes time. Yes, I am slowly moving away from relying on comfort eating, but it I’m not there yet.

As mentioned, i have grown up being a fan of both football and music. I support my local team Dunfermline Athletic, and at the moment they are flying high in Scottish League 1. The team are 5 wins away from lifting the title, and winning promotion back to the Championship. I have always loved football, but when I lost my job a few years ago, I turned to football. Dunfermline were going through it a bit, they went into administration. It felt like what I was going through with my lack of job, was mirrored in the what was going on with the club. Fortunately, they have built themselves back up slowly over the years, as have I. Seeing how close the club were to the brink, gives me hope, knowing they got through it.

Music was a big thing for me, particularly when I started getting bigger problems with my mental health. I felt so alienated by how I was feeling, and nobody around me understood. But, music helped. Listening to albums by Good Charlotte, Rancid, Blink 182, etc, helped me feel not so alone. Through the internet, mostly band forums, I was able to connect with fans of the bands that I had come to love. Some of these fans were going through the same stuff as I was, so we helped each other. It’s not just though, sometimes listening to Cattle Decapitation can lift me after a shit day at work. Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits might wake me up in the morning. NWA have always made me want to paint and be creative. Different music effects my mood differently.

Which all sounds awesome, and it is. For me. What doesn’t help are people’s reactions on what makes me better. Noone thinks that I am overweight because I couldn’t talk to anyone. People seem to believe that you can’t like certain types of music, if you like football. But anyone can like anything. Anyone can rely on anything to cope. It is not for anyone to take away from something that another person likes. You should be the person who decides what you like. Nobody else.

Me Versus Food

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am 31 years old, and spent most of my life invisible. Not getting into fights, not hurting anyone, not hating anything. Doing everything I have been able to do, to stop any attention on myself. But, I am kind of lying here. I do hate something, and that something always has been food.

When I was 13, I got my first job delivering a local newspaper. I was starting to have problems at school, with people calling me names and making me feel like shit. I had friends, but whilst I could have the best times with them, I never really felt I could confide in anyone. So to make me feel better I decided to use my new income to buy something to make me feel better. Because I was getting under £5 a week (was a really shitty paper round), I could afford a magazine and one other thing. That other thing was usually junk food. A multipack of Wotsits, just cause they were my favourites. I’d eat them through the week, when I ‘needed’ a boost. That was just the start of it.

As I got older and as life got that bit harder, I guess I turned to food more and more. It became easier to eat a bag of Doritos than actually speak to someone about how I was feeling. And it has caused me a lot of problems. My health, is biggest problem. I have tried to deal with my weight, a lot, but as soon as I try to focus on succeeding, it is like my thoughts are diverted to think about failing instead. About being in a worse state than I am already. About being one of these people who dies in a room, that has to be lifted out their window by forklift, because they can longer fit through their own front door. Yes, my brain jumps to conclusions, but that is what it does. Makes me wonder what the point is of trying to make any change.

Just walking down the street makes change hard. In my local High Street area of less than 20 shops, there are 3 bakeries, 3 cafes, 2 chip shops, 1 pizza shop, 1 chinese takeaway and 1 Indian. And that is not including the 2 supermarkets and 2 paper shops, which also sell food. And most of the food is crap. Or they do sell salads, but it is hidden behind all the fizzy drinks and fatty snacks that I find so comforting. I want some healthy pasta, I must walk past cakes, pizzas, pastries, chocolate and just shit, which is usually cheaper than the healthy stuff. And I always crumble, because just walking past all that crap makes me feel so shit, that I crave that same shit to make me feel better. It’s some fucked up cycle of thoughts sponsored by sugar addiction and lack of care for myself.

And that is maybe the worst feeling. I know I am unhealthy. I know I am shortening my own life span. But, I can’t help it. I do try, but the accusations of not trying ‘hard enough’ just makes me give up. Not eating enough is classed as a mental health issue. Which is good. But us that over-eat, we are just fat, lazy and incompetent. Sometimes, I think that my life would be easier if food wasn’t a requirement for life.  Then it wouldn’t be featured on TV so much, in every newspaper, every website, just everywhere. Whenever I see food, I feel bad. It would be easy just to have block button, like you do on social media, where everything to do with food would disappear from my life. It would then make it easier to deal with.

I want to blame other people for feeling like this. But it is all my fault. They say silly jokes. Jokes that aren’t funny to me. Jokes that make me want to cry. But that isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s not their fault I find it hard to talk. To people anyway. I just need to find a new way to deal with things, that isn’t me eating some greasy salty shit. Just don’t quite know how to do that.

Yet.