Tag: diet

But… it takes effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying on the couch, lazing in the sun, whilst a documentary about hill walkers is on the telly. I’ll be honest, just watching them walk up Ben Nevis is draining. I think it is because I feel such lethargy for everything at the moment. The world seems on fire, and I am finding it rather hard to do anything other that the basic.

I think the hardest thing for me is eating regularly. One of my aims for 2024 was to lose weight, but I have in fact put on weight. It feels like, yet another, failure. I always need to remind myself that I have been in pain, my arthritis has been a headache for the last few months. With me having issues with medication, causing problems with me physically doing things. My feet, my knees, and my hands are sore and swollen, especially after my work. As a result, I spend the weekend trying to recover, as if you didn’t know, pain is exhausting.

Part of me knows that if I was able to lose weight, it would help things like my pain and my energy levels. But, it is hard to do anything. Especially when recently, I don’t feel hungry, I just get sick. Which, in turn, makes me not want to eat. I did watch a video on TikTok, where a person said that they set alarms for when to eat, and stick to it. It didn’t matter what it was, but they had to eat something, be it a whole meal or just a piece of fruit. Maybe that would be a good shout.

Weighing It Up

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I weighed myself today. For the first time since the start of November. It is an activity which is loaded with meaning, because despite never being ‘a slave’ to the scales, it’s still a thing that lingers. It’s existence is enough to get me into a bit of a state. So, when I weigh myself, like I did, and I ended up being just under 16 stone, I could have cried.

For too long, the number on the scales or the size of one’s waistband, has been used as a way to identify people. People who a person has never met. There are a number of personality traits, which have, falsely, been connected to people who are overweight. Laziness, stupidity, dirtiness, rude, many more things which seem to be tied to a person being overweight. All without merit.

My weight has been a problem for years. I have faced comments about my weight since I was at school, back when I weighed way less than I do now. I always had a stocky build, my Grampie used to say I was ‘built like a rugby player’. This was enough for me to be bullied. And for me to understand that my weight is a reason for me to be seen as a horrible person. My mental health suffered so much, and eventually i turned to food to cope. I could eat away my problems. A coping mechanism I still have to this day.

I watched a video recently by a personal trainer on TikTok (Gavin McKinney) who said that using food as a coping mechanism was a good thing. It helps people cope with bad stuff, and means they are still here to see another day. When I tell you I cried after seeing that video, I mean I cried my eyes out. So the first think that needs to be done, is a find a new way to cope. Because if you don’t find a new way to cope, food is going to look like the answer again. That should not sound as revolutionary as it feels.

I am having problems with arthritis in my knee, and I want to make my health better, to ease the pain. Make myself feel better. Because that’s why things should be done, to improve one’s life, right?

I may repeat myself, as I try to figure all this out.

May Challenge: Weight

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I was always told that, when I was younger, I looked like a rugby player. It was because I was bulky. Short and stout, a bit like a teapot with no spout.

I was always short, but the other bit never really bothered till I got older. In High School my confidence disappeared because people started making me feel bad for my weight. As if I was stupid for not being as skinny as other folk. Over time I ended up hating my body, and food became punishment instead of just nourishment. I didn’t deal with what was going on, and tried to lose weight for years.

Unfortunately, my self hatred caused issues. I didn’t see any value in myself, so didn’t see the point in making effort to get fitter. So, over the last few years, I’ve acknowledged my mental health issues, and tried to work on them.

I am hoping that as I get healthier mentally, I’ll be able to get physically healthier too. Hopefully.

Water-proof

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking to get healthier. It has become clear, that to get anything that I want, I need to really fight for it. This is something that probably seems a really obvious thing, that you have to go and get anything you want in life. When you have times where you can barely get up out of bed, no matter what is happening, it is hard to think you have to fight more than you already do.

But this is a different kind of fighting. It is fighting for yourself, rather than against. It’s about daring to think about the future, rather than being focused on the past. Which is easier said than done. Most of my problems from anxiety, come from relying on negative past experiences shape how I believe things will turn out in the future. It is something that I do subconsciously, and the resulting behaviour has been going on for years.

Trying to make my outlook more positive is difficult, and it feels like learning something completely new. Something that can be very scary, especially when it is about things such as your own behaviour. I do better when i try to do things bit-by-bit. For example, I have been feeling bloated at work, and i usually drink diet coke at breaks. Which tastes nice, but it isn’t very good for you. So I have a new water bottle, which I will drink from all day. I don’t take money with me down on the shop floor, so I am not buying crisps or anything

Drinking water should be the most natural thing in the world, but it is quite hard to drink more of it. When you try to drink more water, you start to realise how much crap you drink through a day. And, in this journey to becoming healthier, I think that paying attention to what I eat and drink is a good thing. Whilst I feel a lot better already, in drinking just water, I do need to pee a lot more.

Big issue?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have always been chubby. Since I was little, I was short and stocky, like a wee rugby player. As a kid, it never bothered me. Everyone was differently shaped, so it didn’t matter.

As you grow up, looks tend to define more than anything else. People judge on what they see, not the person. I am kind, friendly, I always try to be a good person, but it’s not enough. I realise that my anxiety is a massive player in how I feel about myself, but it’s not all. I am overweight. And I have been for a long time.

Every attempt I have made to better myself has been met with jokes and sneers. Food has been a way to comfort myself when I felt bad. So food is a contentious issue. And when people laugh at the choice I make, the baby steps to try and make myself better, it’s hard not to take it personally. I don’t expect that trying to be honest with myself to be a joke for other people.

Last week I signed up for weightwatchers online, again. It is difficult for me to go to meetings, both getting the time, and mentally, so online is easier for me. It’s really easy to talk to people who are experiencing similar things. Its nice to speak to people who kind of show support and belief. Something I don’t get from anywhere else. I think it is easier to speak to people you don’t really know. And I don’t know why.

It’s the start of a new journey for me. And if you want to laugh at what I eat, make me explain my choices whilst you make jokes at my expense, you can go away. I am not a source of comedy for morons. I have no time for your negativity anymore.

Something Different

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When it comes to trying to get things done, I seem to get so far, and then stop. Not on purpose. My attention starts to wain, and I end up just leaving whatever project alone, in a drawer and do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

I read a news paper article a while ago, where it spoke about focusing on actions that work for you. It sounds a little silly, but because everyone is different, it’s not too hard to assume that not every path works for everybody. I am going to use studying as an example. Some people learn by reading, some by listening, some take notes, and some draw diagrams. There are so many different ways to learn, and although the ‘taking notes’ option is the recommended by educators, it may not work for you. It doesn’t work for me. I do better if i read stuff out loud, and try and doodle wee diagrams about what I read. And, when I read back it always seems easy to understand.

As mentioned in my last post, I have joined weight watchers to try and lose weight. Previously, I have always used other people and their comments about me, to push me to change. But, someone mentioned in the weight watchers community, that a person should want to get healthy for themselves, and because they love their body. It sounds odd, but it is a concept so foreign to me, it might work.

Always Hungry

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am trying to eat more sensibly, to both lose weight and feel a bit better about myself. Mostly, to feel better, because no-one wants to feel like shit. So, I am trying to cut down on eating crap (mostly crisps), which is harder than what it should be. As people, with our own minds, only we can decide what goes in our bodies. For a lot of people, food is a psychological thing, it links together with our emotions. If we feel bad, have some chocolate.

So, when trying to stop that, and change things, it can be hard. Especially the whole, eating less food, but better quality. I feel good, when I can stick to plan for the day. Like I have achieved something. However, sometimes even sticking to plan, means that I get super hungry. I have read, that as long as you eat enough calories, you’ll  be fine, just fill up on water. Which is great in theory. When I am at work, I am restricted to eating at break times, and I need to carry a bottle of water, should I need a drink whilst working. No fizzy juice or food allowed on the shop floor (to stop items getting damaged). Which helps, because I can’t snack, I can work and there is plenty of free water, should I need it.

But I get really hungry. Like today, nice healthy soup and an apple for lunch, but I was so hungry before the end of the shift. I have read up on this before, and there are ideas which suggest people think they are hungry, and it is all in their head. The most common reason for this happening, could be habit. For example, you could have a biscuit every day for your lunch, and you decide to cut down, so skip the biscuit, your brain makes you think you are hungry. But you aren’t, it is just a response to change. And I think that is where I have been today. Which is a pain.

When I am hungry, there can be a tendency for me to just want to go to foods which are have zero or very little waiting time. I get really lazy, and it is bad. It is perseverance that is needed. To push through the cravings, and try to plan more. But, I am rubbish at planning. Always start off with high hopes, and then fall of the horse before I’ve properly sat down. Happens with everything. Apart from this blog, actually. So, I am trying to use this blog as an example, that yes I can make new habits, and that it is actually a lot easier than i think.

 

New Adventure

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I haven’t written here for a while. That is my bad, I just didn’t know what to say. I started another attempt at losing weight last month, and it has been not going great. It has left me a bit low, to be fair. After 32 years of absent-minded eating, watching what I eat has been a hard thing to get used to. 

But I have persevered. I thought I’d take a pledge to go Vegan for 30 days, and see how I’d get on. It is something that I have wanted to do for a while. I have been vegetarian on and off for the last 10 years, the problem was that I never planned anything and ended up eating crap. So going vegan, meant I had to go out and buy everything new. Soya milk, dairy free butter, down to vegan bean burgers and pizza. And I have actually stuck my plan, and I’ve tracked everything.

It has been a huge turning point. 

A big help for me making my own food, is the lack of stuff I can find out and about. None of my local shops sell dairy free chocolate or cakes, so I don’t even need to think of them at all. It makes it a lot easier for me. 

A week after trying to be vegan, I feel so much better. I had no idea that what I was eating was making me feel bloated and lethargic. But I have read that a lot of people could be lactose intolerant, and just aren’t aware of it. I mean, as children our bodies are able to digest milk to help us grow and get nutrients. But as we grow up, we don’t need milk any more, we get our nutrients from food instead. I think that’s maybe why some people can’t digest dairy properly. And because of how good I feel not having dairy, I wonder if I was in fact slightly intolerant to dairy. 

One thing is for sure, I feel so good, I can’t see myself going back to just eating what ever. It’s been a further boost that I also lost 4lbs this week, which means for the first time since trying WeightWatchers, I have lost weight. 

A bit of success is nice. 🙂 

Just Keep Swimming…

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

So the other day, I wrote an entry on here, which was probably the most personal thing I have written on here in a long time. I was emotional, and was rambling A LOT. But it was honest, and that is what I am trying to be a bit more of. More honest with myself, about how I feel and telling people how I feel. These are things that I struggle with. Which is why blogging is something that helps me so much. I can try and think about what’s in my head, and be honest about it, without imposing it on the folks around me. I mean, people have their own stuff to deal with, they don’t need my pedantic rubbish forced on them.

Anyways, after posting my blog on Monday, I just went to bed. I had been crying a lot, and that makes me tired. Plus, I was sick of Monday, by that point, I just wanted it to go away. So, I went to bed and fell asleep pretty quick. Which was probably the best way to deal with feeling that crap. Because if I sit after feeling like that, I can start to feel worse. I could be sitting watching TV, but my brain has different ideas and seems to just make me feel worse. So, I expressed all the negativity, and then just attempted to switch off from the world. I am actually surprised that it worked, to be honest. Just close the day off, as a disaster.

On Tuesday when I woke up, I didn’t want the day to become another mess, so I just wrote myself a to-do list and focused on each bit one by one. I had a plan, and felt focused. There was nothing else I could do about how I felt the day before, so I attempted to make Tuesday better than Monday was. Usually, this kind of thing doesn’t work, and I end up dwelling on whatever negativity has happened before. But, before I could back out, I put on a 90s pop playlist on Spotify and before I knew it, I was tidying up whilst dancing to Faithless and Britney Spears. And I became so determined, that by the end of the day, all the rubbish I have been hoarding for years was in rubbish bags, and the floor had even been hoovered. Sounds like nothing, but I have been needing to do that for months.

I was so upset on Monday, because I felt like all that planning to positive in 2016 had crumbled at the very first obstacle. But, that ended up not being the main focus, for myself. It is that I moved on from it, and then had a successful and productive day. And it gave me a bit of hope for the next year ahead. Maybe I won’t do everything I aim to do, I am not perfect. But, if I can learn how to cope with the failures,in a manner like I did this week, then maybe 2016 will be better than 2015.

Just have to have faith in myself.

Me Versus Food

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am 31 years old, and spent most of my life invisible. Not getting into fights, not hurting anyone, not hating anything. Doing everything I have been able to do, to stop any attention on myself. But, I am kind of lying here. I do hate something, and that something always has been food.

When I was 13, I got my first job delivering a local newspaper. I was starting to have problems at school, with people calling me names and making me feel like shit. I had friends, but whilst I could have the best times with them, I never really felt I could confide in anyone. So to make me feel better I decided to use my new income to buy something to make me feel better. Because I was getting under £5 a week (was a really shitty paper round), I could afford a magazine and one other thing. That other thing was usually junk food. A multipack of Wotsits, just cause they were my favourites. I’d eat them through the week, when I ‘needed’ a boost. That was just the start of it.

As I got older and as life got that bit harder, I guess I turned to food more and more. It became easier to eat a bag of Doritos than actually speak to someone about how I was feeling. And it has caused me a lot of problems. My health, is biggest problem. I have tried to deal with my weight, a lot, but as soon as I try to focus on succeeding, it is like my thoughts are diverted to think about failing instead. About being in a worse state than I am already. About being one of these people who dies in a room, that has to be lifted out their window by forklift, because they can longer fit through their own front door. Yes, my brain jumps to conclusions, but that is what it does. Makes me wonder what the point is of trying to make any change.

Just walking down the street makes change hard. In my local High Street area of less than 20 shops, there are 3 bakeries, 3 cafes, 2 chip shops, 1 pizza shop, 1 chinese takeaway and 1 Indian. And that is not including the 2 supermarkets and 2 paper shops, which also sell food. And most of the food is crap. Or they do sell salads, but it is hidden behind all the fizzy drinks and fatty snacks that I find so comforting. I want some healthy pasta, I must walk past cakes, pizzas, pastries, chocolate and just shit, which is usually cheaper than the healthy stuff. And I always crumble, because just walking past all that crap makes me feel so shit, that I crave that same shit to make me feel better. It’s some fucked up cycle of thoughts sponsored by sugar addiction and lack of care for myself.

And that is maybe the worst feeling. I know I am unhealthy. I know I am shortening my own life span. But, I can’t help it. I do try, but the accusations of not trying ‘hard enough’ just makes me give up. Not eating enough is classed as a mental health issue. Which is good. But us that over-eat, we are just fat, lazy and incompetent. Sometimes, I think that my life would be easier if food wasn’t a requirement for life.  Then it wouldn’t be featured on TV so much, in every newspaper, every website, just everywhere. Whenever I see food, I feel bad. It would be easy just to have block button, like you do on social media, where everything to do with food would disappear from my life. It would then make it easier to deal with.

I want to blame other people for feeling like this. But it is all my fault. They say silly jokes. Jokes that aren’t funny to me. Jokes that make me want to cry. But that isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s not their fault I find it hard to talk. To people anyway. I just need to find a new way to deal with things, that isn’t me eating some greasy salty shit. Just don’t quite know how to do that.

Yet.