Things To Do When You Are Unable To ‘Do’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written on here previously, that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Which is something that leaves me sore most days, especially days where I am not physically running around at my work. Days where I am left sitting in the house, because moving around, or even doing the most basic task is difficult. For days, like this, I find that I need to have tasks that take my mind away from the frustrations, that being in pain can bring. I also feel like if I do nothing, then I am letting myself ‘waste a day’, which is a big problem with my anxiety, and starts a whole different problem.

The easiest thing to do is have things that are accessible for me to do. Which, considering most of the problems I have are either with my feet or hands, can sometimes be challenging, especially when you don’t have a very good attention span. But, there are some things that I like to do.

Reading: Something that has always relaxed me is reading. I love the idea that you can become absorbed in another world from the safety of your own home. I have always read physical books as a preference, I find comfort in holding a book in my hands and seeing the visual progress as I read my way through. However, when I am sore, holding a book can be hard. So, I have a Kindle, and Kindle apps on my phone and iPad, so that I can read on whatever is easiest for me to manage. But sometimes, a digital device isn’t enough, which leads me to audiobooks. Not something I have ever grown up appreciating, but I do now. If I just need to lie and wait for pain killers to kick in, I can play a book on my phone, or amazon echo, and I can still drift away into a world that hopefully isn’t as sucky as mine. I am currently listening to Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and it is a great story.

Writing: I know I haven’t been posting very much on here, but I have still been writing notes and pages of stuff on my computer and phone. I have grown up writing in journals, progressing to keeping blogs online. But, one of the biggest barriers for me, was finding that typing and even holding a pencil could be really challenging. If my hands don’t want to co-operate, then I couldn’t write. Luckily, these days with all the technology, voice-to-text features on most modern devices, which means that I can dictate what I want to say to my computer or phone. It is something that I am only still getting used to, but I have used it to help me create this blog today. I just need to remember to proof read, because as good as it is, mistakes are still made.

TV: I am awful at watching new tv shows. It takes me months to get through anything that I haven’t seen before. I can normally, at the most, get through 2-3 episodes at a time. If it is on normal scheduled TV, it’s even worse, because I forget when the show airs, quickly fall behind, and then can’t be bothered anymore. And sometimes, I find myself getting worked up because I can’t even watch a TV show. So, I go back and watch old TV shows I have watched a million times before. The shows I am currently watching are Daria, Friends, Gossip Girl, South Park, and Gilmore Girls. I usually end the final series, and go back to the start again. I think it’s comforting to know that if my attention wanes and I stop watching, it doesn’t matter because I have seen it all before. It sounds silly, but it is like a comfort blanket. Which, when I am feeling crappy, comfort is what I need.

The biggest problem with hobbies, like drawing, is that I am struggling. I know it sounds silly, but I have lost a lot of interest in things around me. It does seem like it’s because I have been struggling with my mental health. But finding things that I can enjoy is better than focusing on things that I am struggling with. Try to boost any positive feelings I can get.

Making Choices

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

When trying to get one’s life in order, it becomes necessary to make changes. In fact, changes in life are inevitable, though it can be hard when you have to initiate it yourself.

It is very easy to get comfortable in your life, no matter how soul sucking it may actually be. That’s where I am at the moment, but I am focusing on my money management. Something I haven’t been good at. Ever. But I am particularly bad at paying for things I don’t use. Like, I subscribe to something like Netflix, and stay signed up on the idea that I might fancy watching something on it at some point. Even though I regularly scroll through Netflix, and then go to Amazon Prime or Disney+ instead, because I don’t actually find anything I like. Like, I should just cancel, but I have something that stops me. I think it’s the same thing that stops me from throwing out my old iPhone boxes.

I got thinking about this, because my premium plan for WordPress is due to renew next week, and I have just cancelled the auto-renew. Whilst I like the extra features that premium gives me, I don’t currently blog enough for it to be worth the money, as it is quite expensive. I still have the domain, which is good. I have had this site for a lot of years, and I would like to continue it. If I can get into the habit of updating more regularly, then I may get the subscription again. But, at a time when I am trying to save money for lots of things.

I just need to look through what subscriptions I use, maybe keep a tally on what I use, and get rid of what I don’t use. It seems pretty silly, but I am not very good at large changes. So, maybe small steps are better, as they all add up eventually.

Pushing It

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These last few months have been tiring. My mental health has been awful, and I have been really physically sore. It has meant that I have felt really drained a lot of the time. Which means I am back in hibernation mode. Where I go out for work, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.

I will maybe have energy to do things for one day, and that’s it. So, I will maybe start tidying, do a food shop, arrange to meet up with a friend. But the next day, I just stare at the wall for hours, not having the energy to get up and do anything else. In fact, getting up to do anything becomes mentally and physically stressful, and it’s like I am constantly walking into the same brick wall. It is exhausting.

I am trying to keep going. I work well with a list sometimes, my brain seems to function well seeing what I have to focus on. But, sometimes, the items on the list take longer, or I forget to look at it. And, rather quickly, that manageable list of tasks, turn into something that seems impossible. Just another set of things that I failed at. I fail at everything, so may as well add some more on to the list.

It feels horrible.

But, I am trying. I am trying to do the things I am supposed to do. The things that I promise. The things that will make life easier. Whether it be doing things for work, or trying to get uni stuff sorted out. It kind of sucks, because when I explain about doing things, people don’t even pretend to be interested anymore. Why be interested? I am stuck doing entry level work because I don’t have a degree, and nobody has faith that I can anything apart from the bare minimum. I try to work harder, to show people that I can do well, but I get so far and just get stuck.

I’m frustrated. But I am trying to do a Pride display, for next month, for my work. Hopefully it works out. I just want to do something well for once.

Ups And Downs

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When I speak about my health issues, especially related to my mental health, people always become judgemental. It often is something that just happens, they haven’t set out to make someone feel bad. It’s just a thing that happened.

When I am with friends, family, or doing something I enjoy, I may be smiling and joking around. Something I do because I feel comfortable in the situation I am in. And because I am laughing with people, doesn’t mean I don’t go home afterwards, and critique everything that I had said, that day. Usually noting that I am stupid, and that people only hang around me because they feel bad I am so stupid.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it’s like a punch in the gut. It feels awful, and actually affects how I feel about a time I originally enjoyed.

It is hard to try and combat these feelings as is, without people saying that the anxiety that I have, that causes me to react to such things do negatively, is fake. People have said, to my face, that I am making things up for attention. Which makes thing worse.

You never know what someone else is going through, so it’s always good to be kind. And, people just want to understand their own mind, so that they can deal with things better in their day-to-day lives. That’s all.

Just A Weight

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I have been struggling. My health, both mental and physical, have been absolutely rotten. I feeling like I am treading water, just doing enough to stay afloat.

I have been doing things, socially, and these moments are highlights. But after every night out, every occasion, i always end up analysing everything that happened. I just seem to seek out anything bad. It is not anything that I do consciously, it just happens when I go over everything that occurred. I don’t just think ‘oh, we went to that bar’. It is more, ‘we went to that bar, and then I said this and it was so stupid’. And I focus on the bad feeling.

This happens all the time. Where I feel bad over nothing, and I then fear that I will then ruin things for other people. Sometimes, it is easier to just spend time on my own. That way the only person I annoy is myself. I feel for people who try to be friends with me, because I really am useless.

Prompt Time

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What job would you do for free?

I’ve already done the job I would do for free, for free. Well, it was ‘work experience’. You know, that thing where workplaces use students for free labour? Yeah. That.

The job would be working in the Vet practice again. It was so great, and I felt like I was doing something that actually served a purpose. Which is different from my current job.

I was training to be a Veterinary Nurse, and had to give it up, because the cost of assessments and stuff was just too expensive. Which is pretty depressing. But I did love the experience. Getting to help people’s pets, as well as wildlife. It was so good. I’d really like to get back into some kind of animal care, even as a volunteer.

I’ve really noticed how much I miss being around animals, since we lost the family dog and my cat. No one is at home enough to get another pet, so I haven’t any for years. Animals are so grateful towards people being kind to them.

I might actually look at volunteering opportunities, see if any animal charity needs help. Would be easier to find somewhere if I had a car, but I’ll just have to try with what I can get to by bus. Hopefully there is something out there.

At This Age…

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As of this week, I am officially into the last years of my 30s. Birthdays are not as fun as they used to be, I actually find them to be rather depressing. Which, sounds stupid, because getting older is a privilege that not every person gets. However, this doesn’t make my feelings about it go away.

Birthdays act like a bookmark, where a person can review the last year of their life, and gage how successful it has been. Personally, I am in the same job, I no longer have a car, my health is still crap, and I still haven’t got a place on my own. I just feel like a failure, which is something I feel a lot. Everyone else in my life has progress, a new job, new house, relationships, something. I actually feel like I am going backwards.

I would like my 40s to start of better than my 30s. To do that I need to prioritise things. The two big things is money, and my health.

I am going to move money around my bank accounts, try and build my savings. Because I have very little. I also, have to pay things like my computer off. And save money every week. I am going to try and get some overtime at work, because that extra helps me build my bank balance quicker. Whilst overtime can’t be relied on, it will be a great help.

As for my health, I need to focus more on what I eat. I think the most successful thing for me has been calorie counting, but I am bad at constantly tracking all my food. I don’t really know how to deal with that, but I have been trying to learn about the biology behind calories and what our body does with them. I think, I have a dodgy metabolism due to eating poorly in the past, mostly due to fad diet plans.

I saw an advert recently on social media, which posed the question ‘what would happen if you worked on yourself exclusively for 6 months’. Maybe it’s a good idea. Focus some time on it. So 6 months is October, so maybe I shall re-evaluate there.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
View all responses

I always wish that I was able to deal with things better. I have never been good at dealing with bad stuff as it comes up, and have a habit of burying my head in the sand. That, of course, never fixes anything, and things often start to snowball out of control.

I have this problem with my anxiety, where it’s like my thought process is, ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not happening’. Which is obviously stupid, if I were to think logically. But, logic doesn’t come into play when my mind is in anxiety mode. It is so frustrating, because sometimes, by the time I get my act together, it’s too late. I have already made a mess, I can’t recover at all. So, I fail, which is one of the big triggers for my anxiety, this constant sense of failure. So, as you can imagine, it becomes very easy to spiral out of control. Where, I don’t return messages, don’t do task I need to do, don’t make appointments. It is like I am functioning, but barely enough to get by.

However, I have spent the last 15 years or so, trying different things to ‘fix it’, but nothing works. I think I need to accept that my brain will add 1 + 1 and get 3, and find a way to work around it. I need to think of a way, a plan, that I can action when I can feel ‘that feeling’. If I notice myself ignoring messages, I have a plan. Because all that happens is that I feel guilty, and then don’t want to deal with the thing I didn’t do, because I feel like the longer I delay, the less times I can let people down. Or not, trying to explain my thinking when I don’t understand it half the time, is hard.

Understanding Absence

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This blog has been abandoned over the last while. I say ‘while’ because I have neglected this site for a long time. I have barely posted, and the posts that I do post seem to go round in circles. It is frustrating, because I started blogging to try and help sort my mind out. Because, my mind is a muddled mess, full of forgotten appointments, half-done tasks, barely started potential new hobbies, with a topping of self-hatred. It really is the most delightful place.

Whilst writing was something that I did routinely, at some point, it has become ‘just another task’, that sits beside making my bed, doing laundry, and the other things that are left undone. I can find myself staring at my bedroom wall, whilst lying on my bed, just stuck. A feeling made worse, when my arthritis is playing up. Lack of movement means pain, and when I feel mentally ‘off’, it feels impossible to even sit up in bed. Because to be able to deal with physical pain, you need to have the mental strength to push through. Without it, everything just feels impossible, almost too hard.

It is tiring. At this point, it feels like I am made to fail. That everything I hoped, once upon a time, has not happened. Yes, I laugh and do things, but they are tape holding things together. And not the Gorilla Glue tape. More the 5 rolls for £1 from Poundland, where the only thing it sticks to is itself. I am exhausted. I work hard, but I know I am not always doing my best because I just feel weighed down. And, because I struggle, I assume that everyone around me knows it, and judges me for it. Like, I am letting folk down all the time.

I have been looking at ways to try and improve things, but it feels impossible. Everything seems to be ignored unless it jumps right out at me. I just don’t know where to begin.

Things I like: Neale Mathieson-Welcome To The Solar System

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Firstly, I seem to have lost the ability to create anything legible, so this post is over a month late. There has been about 4 drafts, which made no sense what-so-ever. This is the problem when you have problems with your brain and your body, with both causing me issues. Anyway, enough with the excuses, let’s get down to business.

Neale Mathieson has started 2023 with the release of his new album Welcome To The Solar System. Neale is a self-published singer-songwriter based in Dunfermline, Fife, and also performs in the band, Segadeth, who do heavy metal video game songs. Which is as great as it sounds. The album, itself, is a great listen, with metal and punk influences, mixed with the sometimes humorous lyrics.

As a fan of music with a ska beat, thanks to my Dad, I loved Going Nowhere. A ska beat, a bit of a synth sound, and lyrics going through how the line between work and play seems to be getting thinner. A problem that came to the forefront as many of us were forced to work from home, and social lives became non-existent. Adulting is another highlight for me, with a heavier, more raw sound, talking about the crap-ness of being a functioning adult. Something that I can definitely resonate with. Of Mice and Madmen, is another highlight. This song is slower, more guitar-driven, showing Neale’s range when creating music. The different sounds that make this album one, creates an experience which surprises the listener.