Prompt Time: Valued Trait

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What’s the trait you value most about yourself?

I always try to be kind to other people. You never know what someone else is going through, so it is best to be nice to them. Treat someone the way you want to be treated, that’s what my Gran used to say when I was little.

Sometimes though, I have found, that despite my best intentions, I may not be as kind as I think. It could be because of my anxiety, because I can get quite ‘nippy’ when I am anxious. I’m usually irritated by myself, but I can react to other people. Not on purpose, but it still happens. And then I feel bad for being rude, no matter how unintentional it was.

But effort matters, smile a people, a wee ‘hello’ can make a difference. Small positive interactions can be a turning point in someone’s day. And I think it’s something so simple, everyone should try.

Take A Break

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently I have enjoyed some time off work. It wasn’t the usual, staying at home and pottering about. For once, I actually went away for some sunshine, away to Cyprus (with stops in Amsterdam and Paris). I hadn’t been abroad since 2019, before the pandemic, and it felt great to get away. I had never been to Amsterdam or Paris before, so it was nice to see somewhere different

Amsterdam was a flying visit, and was really hot. The transport into the city centre, from the airport, was very easy, and the city seems very walkable. You just need to be mindful for the bikes, as they are everywhere, and they don’t always follow the traffic lights. There are designated lanes for bikes, to keep them separate from cars and pedestrians. We took a trip on a canal cruise which offered wine and cheese along with the canal cruise. When I travel with my friend, we never really do tourist stuff, so it was a nice different experience.

It was a lovely way to see the city, and was so relaxing. I would recommend it to anyone who needs to see the city, as it was a lot of fun, and super relaxing. And I think it was the only way for someone, as clumsy as me, to see the city without being run over by a bike.

The main point of the holiday was for the Scotland football game in Cyprus. For me and and my friend, it is has been our annual holiday, our chance to experience another country. We were based in Paphos, which is a lovely part of the country. Spent a lot of time chilling out, and reading, which to me is a great holiday. And also spent a lot of time singing Scotland songs at the pub. Which is normal for a tartan army trip.

@suewantsariot

Scotland are in Cyprus. In Paphos, outside the wonderful flairspaphos. #bagpipes #scotland #footballawaydays #cyprus #tartanarmy #TAontour #holiday #paphos

♬ original sound – Sue

The stop on the way home was Paris. The plan was to spend a few hours in the city, and do some tourist things, like we had done in Amsterdam. But, alas, this did not happen to our expectations, mostly due to a run of bad luck with public transport, which concluded with arriving at the airport 30 minutes before gate closure. It was a nightmare. But all ended okay. We did spend a few hours in Paris. Saw the Louvre and Notre-Dame, and had a (late) breakfast at a wee cafe, which gave us free pastries. (Note: I will never say no to free food.) It was a lovely city, and I would really like to go back and explore more.

By the time we landed back in Edinburgh, it was pouring down with rain. And, with how hot it had been on our holiday, I, for one, was very happy to see it. I came home, got a take-away, and relaxed with a movie. But, to be honest, as much as I love going away on holiday, nothing beats getting back in your own bed. That night was the best sleep I had experienced in weeks. The only problem now, is that I feel like I need another holiday already.

To Keep A Hobby

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been having regular phone calls with a therapist, and one of the topics that has been discussed centres around hobbies. It is something. that I never used to have a problem with, in fact I had lots of hobbies. Reading, drawing, writing… just lots of wee bits that I’d do outside work. Over the last several years, I have struggled do anything regularly for any decent length of time.

So, during my appointments, we have been discussing how to start doing hobbies regularly. I always start off with good intentions, but then I miss a day, and quickly lose any momentum. I have been doing some reading on how to start doing things regularly. It is rather difficult to find anything actually useful, as most results seem to be about how to use hobbies on a CV or in a job interview. Which is not what I am looking for at all. I mean, a hobby is supposed to be something that you do for enjoyment, something to help you chill out from work or any other stresses of life.

It then frustrates me, because I end up stressing about not doing hobbies. So, it has the opposite affect that what is intended. It is super annoying, if I were to be honest. It is like when I want to do something, no matter how fun it might be, my brain seems to list it as just another task. So, whilst I may get excitement and enjoyment whilst doing the thing, I can’t get the motivation to get the activity started. It is a bizarre feeling to have, let alone try to explain.

Ouch

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I am finding myself struggling these days. It is numerous in reasons, but focuses around the fact that I am sore. My hands and my feet seem to be the big problem. And, I am honestly just so tired.

It feels like my muscles have always been easy to strain. Like, if I lift something too heavy, my hands are sore for days. I sleep on my arm, which I seem to like to do, my shoulder and neck can be sore for over a week. Or, that is what happened last week. I remember complaining about this years ago, and the Doctor telling me it was tendonitis, but surely not every tendon. It obviously isn’t every tendon, but it feels like it sometimes. And then my rheumatoid arthritis has good and bad days, which is the icing on the shit cake that is my health.

I thought I had an answer. I’d go to the gym. Sign up for a monthly pass, and go at least 1 morning a week. Hasn’t happened, yet. Mostly because when I am mentally knackered for having to constantly push myself to do things, so when nothing is planned, everything just stops. I run out of ‘oomph’ to push through the pain and do something. As I sit here typing this, both my hands are sore (typing is taking forever), both my feet are sore, my right ankle is painfully swollen, my right shoulder hurts, and there is pain in my neck every so often. And, I am sitting down, and despite being sore, this is the most comfortable I have been all day. It is one of those days where the 12 steps in my house that I take to my bedroom, feel like a marathon.

I am working to lose some weight, as this should help my foot pain. I hope. But, because I struggle to get moving sometimes, exercising is very challenging. That is without my brain deciding that leaving the house is too much for the day. I am trying to do my best. I did get out today, visited my friend, despite my walking around like an 80 year old. And when I waited for my dinner to cook, I had a wee dance to some ska and oi music. It’s the wee things, I guess.

A Week End

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It is finally my weekend.

It is Saturday night and I am sitting watching some quiz show, that doesn’t seem to have much questions. The good thing is that it is TV that I can ignore, which is perfect after a week of training new people. There has been so much talking at work this week, that I feel like I am losing my voice, whilst also being sick of the sound of my own voice.

I was planning on taking some overtime next week, but I was too slow. It gets put on an internal app, and it’s a free for all on who actually gets the overtime. I, unfortunately, was too slow, and never managed to book anything. Which is annoying, as I am due to go on holiday to Cyprus in a few weeks. And I want to take as much money as possible. Alas, my plans don’t seem to be coming together.

So, because of this, I have a few days off work now. Which, is a good thing, since I am so so sore. It is just trying to keep myself busy, as when I go idle, I get bored and sore. So, a lot of effort has to be made, to keep going.

Still yuck

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I mentioned in my last entry, I haven’t been feeling very well. I don’t really know what it is, my stomach just feels a little funky. It has been this way for a good few days. I mean, I am still able to do everything, which is at least something positive. I haven’t eaten anything different, so I don’t really understand where it is coming from.

So I have been lazing around, watching Friends. I did manage to take some stuff to the laundrette, and it was really windy, so I was able to dry everything. This is more than I usually do on a day off, so the fact I did it when I wasn’t feeling very great, is a good thing. I am usually knackered after work. So, that’s something I guess.

Yuck

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying in my bed, with the worst stomach pains I have had in a long time. It almost feels like I have been punched in the stomach. Maybe something was wrong with the veggie kebab I had for dinner. I feel most comfortable lying down, so that’s why I’m in bed before 10pm.

It does not help that I am also feeling sore. This means that I am dictating this post on my phone. My computer is better at this than my phone, which is strange. I figured that because they are both Apple, that they’d work the same. It’s a strange thing, where I feel like I need to learn how to speak clearer. But the strange thing is, that when I speak on apps like TikTok and put subtitles on, it picks up everything so well. So the capability is there, it’s just not

Anyway, I have one more day at work, and then it’s the weekend. I am going to try and have an early night, in the hope I feel okay for work tomorrow. Yay!

Trying Help

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Because my mental health has been poor recently, it has been effecting my work. Where I have been getting very overwhelmed, and struggling to complete my daily tasks. It got to the stage, where a few weeks ago, I was so worked up and had several panic attacks, which led to me speaking to team leads and my manager. I felt so stupid, but I didn’t want to let people down at work anymore.

I was referred to the Occupation Health team at my work, where I was scheduled appointments to discuss my mental health. We started looking at the big triggers, the things that would start me feeling negative about myself and my situation. One of the biggest things are when I feel like I have no plans, or things are out of my control. I feel helpless, and in turn, stupid, which makes me feel very anxious. So, one of the things that were discussed were figuring out a routine that I could do, so that I wasn’t aimless at any point. I did try and set up plans for my mental health a few years back, but I found it really hard to stick to, and because meetings with the doctor were irregular, any plans I made fell away.

I am currently having appointments with the occupational health therapist once a week. We talk about the things regularly, and I have tasks to go away and think about. It feels very pro-active, which has been very helpful. Sometimes I think that it is nice to talk to someone who seems to understand what I am thinking, and can even offer some suggestions as to why I think the way I do. I always feel silly when I try to speak about the way I am thinking, but to have some validation, it feels nice. It is like I am not as daft as I think I am, which is strange, but does make me feel good.

I am concerned that at some point, I won’t have these meetings any more, and I won’t be able to keep up any plans I have made. But, I am getting ahead of myself. I am making steps, and they seem to be going forward, for once.

Twitter Is Sinking

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been an avid internet user for many years. Going online has been an escape for when I have been struggling with my life. Social media has become the centre of that online world, where I have been able to make friends with people who have the same interests as me. It was initially music, where I would become close with people who liked the same bands as me. It was great, because I was able to find people to go to gigs with, which is something I didn’t have so much of when I was growing up.

Social media services have come and gone over the years, MySpace, Bebo, Hi5, Dailybooth… so many sites have disappeared. One of the services that I have used since my college days, probably as long as this blog has been in existence, is Twitter. It’s a ‘micro blogging’ site where users can post comments, follow people, and generally build communities. Back when all my interneting was about Good Charlotte, Twitter was a main way to contact friends who also loved Good Charlotte, as well as being a direct way to contact the band members. Back then, there was a dialogue between artists and their fans, and Twitter really helped that. People would live tweet along with big events, be in TV shows, or new events. It opened the world up.

That has changed.

In 2022, Tesla founder, Elon Musk purchased Twitter. He had previously made remarks about how he believed that Twitter was undermining free speech and democracy, and wanted to change that. In October 2022, when Musk’s purchase went through, he went through a process of cutting back at the company, largely by firing half of the 7,500 employees of the company. He also relaunched a service called Twitter Blue, a subscription service that allow users to access more features. One of the big things Twitter Blue did, was it provided subscribers with a ‘blue tick’ on their profile. Up till this point, blue ticks were used to illustrate that an account was ‘verified’ as a famous person, business, or a notable account. It became so that only people who paid for Twitter Blue would get the blue tick, and verified accounts who didn’t want to pay a subscription found that they lost their tick mark. The initial point of the verification system, was to stop fake accounts, and to help users distinguish the validity of what was getting posted.

Businesses lost their verified status, and started stepping away from Twitter, at the same time users who supported Musk, and what ever rant he felt like sharing, started paying for Twitter Blue. Whilst some people do use the features and simply continue sharing as they have always done, a lot of subscribers started sending abuse to standard accounts. One of the biggest areas of ‘interest’ for these subscribers was the LGBTQ+ community, especially the trans community. Something that Musk seems to almost encourage at this point. If you were to read a Twitter post by a pro-LGBTQ+ account, there will be replies, of mostly abuse, from almost exclusively Twitter Blue accounts. When these accounts are reported using the Twitter report system which has worked for years, nothing happens. Honestly, there are times Twitter is simply unusable, because it is so hateful.

Last year, my Twitter account of 12 years was put on a list for anti-LGBTQ+ users to attack. I was getting so so much abuse, for saying that Trans people are people, they deserve love and care, just like anyone else. I was getting constant messages, telling me to end my life. As a person who has suffered with her mental health so much, I felt this was awful. I ended up deleting my old twitter account, and starting again. By starting again, I wanted to simply stay in contact with the friends I still had on the site. The site has got worse, the only way you can stop people sending you abuse, is to block them. Another thing that Musk wants to take away, presumably because subscribers are complaining that they can’t exercise their free speech and abuse people. It has been a long time since I have seen any social media service decline the way that Twitter has. People are still using it for the moment, mostly because there is nothing similar to replace it.

Look To The Past

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This blog has existed for over 14 years. This is something that I realised yesterday, when I was reading some of my older posts. Posts from when I was at college, studying graphic design, and working in a call centre. Something that seems so long ago, but then 15 years is longer than a child’s entire school education. That does not make me feel any better.

Anyway. I wanted to write about what I discovered by reading what I have previously written. Firstly, I posted a lot more regularly than I do now. For the first few years of this blog, I was posting every other day, at least. I was covering how I was feeling, but also what I was interested, be it new music or news articles. And whilst, I certainly no expert, it made things a bit more interesting for me to write, and for others to read. This is a contrast to what is going on currently, where I seem to be re-hashing the same points all the time.

I mentioned yesterday how I feel like I have lost interest in some of the hobbies that used to keep me occupied. This is something that is reflected in the actual content of my posts. It ends up leaving things feeling one dimensional, which sucks. I think I am going to try and take influence of how my blog started, where I would write about what I was actually up to, not just how I was feeling. Maybe, doing so will also help shift my focus away from my health issues, which are at the forefront of my mind most of the time. Which might end up being good for me.