Rambling Away

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It’s Blue Monday. Supposedly the most depressing day of the year. I am okay though, just feel like I’m treading water, as usual.

Yesterday I went to Dundee, and visited Groucho’s Music Bar in Dundee. It used to be a good music shop, that I had bought CDs from, years ago. It’s nice that they were mindful of the history before opening it. And it looked so cool.

Today, I went to visit my friend for a coffee, and hobbled about being really sore. My foot and my hands have been super sore all day. I think I’ll have an early night, as I have 50 hours of work this week. Not great when I am sore already.

Belated Happy New Year

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I was feeling rather low over the festive period, so I gave myself a break. 2024 was always going to be strange year, with it being where I reach a a milestone birthday. So I did my usual, overthought everything, and then feel bad.

Anyway, one should be grateful of seeing another year out, or so I am told. It is because not everyone was able to see in 2024, so it is a privilege being here. Which is a positive idea, that I try to hold on to. The problem is that I am not very good at holding on to very much these days. And it does get me down, as feeling useless has a tendency to do.

However, 2024 is a new year. I hope to document the good stuff a bit better. Focus my energy on the stuff worth the time and effort. Hopefully.

Prompt Time: Wishful Perceptions

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Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
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I have always tried to be kind to people, and I hope people can see that. My Gran used to say ‘treat people the way you wish to be treated’, and that is something that I have tried to think about when I interact with people. So, I try to be friendly towards other people, someone that other people can turn to.

When it comes down to it, I just would like to be thought of in a positive manner. Since I was little, I have had this fear that people don’t genuinely like me. That people are nice to my face, but are glad when I leave any situation. As much, as people say that it is not true, I can’t help but believe the nonsense thoughts in my brain. And, in a bid to counter this, I try to be nice all the time, so that people can’t feel negatively about me.

As I get older, I am trying to get myself away from focusing on what other people are thinking about me. Like, get learn how to live for myself, rather than be preoccupied by what other people think of me. It is pretty hard, because the only time where I would do things simply to make myself happy was when I was little, and the only reason to do anything was because you like it. I feel that as I have got older, I became more aware and reactive to what others thought.

Honestly, as much as I’d like to pretend to be above what others think of me, it is still nice to be thought of in a good light.

Prompt Time: First Day

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I remember my first day at Amazon, my current job, like it was yesterday. It was in fact over 10 years ago. Which is crazy. I guess time flies when you are having fun.

I applied to Amazon because I needed to get a job before Christmas, I needed money. I had never worked in a warehouse before, my previous work experience was all customer service based. All I had to go off was the reputation the place had, which was not too good. But, I figured that the only way I’d know what things were like, was if I tried it for myself. I had decided before I had even set one foot in the building that I would try it till Christmas, and if I didn’t like it, I could look for something else after that.

The building itself was beyond anything I could have imagined. The warehouse was so big, and it was filled with so many thousands of items. Everything from kitchen sinks, to children’s story books were on the shelves. I remember thinking it was like a super sized supermarket. It was only too easy to go down the wrong set of stairs, and then take a right turn instead of a left, and you were in a completely different part of the warehouse. I stored things on the shelves, and there were so many rules. I remember being told them, and it was simple yet super confusing at the same time. So much information to remember. But, it ended up being easier than I thought. I started speaking to people in my start group, and it was crazy that people came from all over the world. I’d never worked in a place like that.

I started with an agency, the first time I’d ever done that, I was always hired directly by previous jobs. I never had any problems with them, in fact the only time I talked to them was when I needed a holiday. And then my ‘job till Christmas’ idea fell away when I was made permanent within 9 weeks.

My last job, I had began to hate 4 years into it, and by the 6th year, I was so miserable. But this time, 10 years in, I am relatively happy in my job. My managers are aware of my health issues and help me, whenever I need it. The hours are reliable, same days, same shift, same breaks every week. Means that I can plan my life around work easily. And if I want overtime, for bills or a holiday, I can get it easy. I have made friends from all over the world, and I actually am happy going to work. Which, after 10 years, is quite an achievement.

Marchin’ On

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I call my bedroom, my depression pit. It has become the one place that is my personal space, so everything is a mess. As in everything is on the floor, and it is like I don’t have a carpet, because there is so much crap all over the floor. It isn’t everywhere, I don’t like dirty dishes sitting around, so I like the kitchen clean. Also, spaces I share with the rest of the family, everything should be organised, especially because any visitors will see them.

But my room, when I feel low, I don’t see any point in keeping it tidy at all. When my mental health is poor, I can struggle to do the most basic thing. And with winter coming in, making my arthritis pains worse, I don’t have the mental oomph to push myself to make any kind of effort. Like, I have a job, and it takes any energy that I have to complete my shifts successfully, without biting anyone’s head off. And lately, I have been so sore at work, that I come home so utterly exhausted, that I sit down and everything hurts too much to do anything else. If I am lucky I might boil some noodles for my dinner, if that. Constant pain and bad mental health actually plays havoc with my eating habits. I have no appetite. I have to schedule in eating, and am very bad at saying ‘oh, it’s 10.30am, I may as well wait till lunch time’. It leads to irregular eating habits, which leads me to believe that if I can’t even eat properly, why bother trying anything else.

This links to my ‘depression pit’, because I feel so worthless that I don’t put things away at all. Like, what is the point? I often get to the point where I have to clamber over piles of clothing just to get to my bed. I spoke to a therapist about this, and she says I may struggle because I don’t see the point in making effort for myself, and asked me what I did to for myself. It was worrying that I couldn’t really come up with an answer. Everything in my life feels like a task that needs to be achieved, even playing Mario Kart or reading books. And, if I don’t do anything, it is like I have failed at what I planned, and that reinforces this idea of why I don’t see the point in making effort to do things.

However, today, our central heating was due its annual service, and the boiler is in my closet. So, I had to tidy up, and I spent this weekend slowly plodding through it. Sorting out rubbish, and clothes, dusting and just organising things. I struggle doing it for any length of time, so I set timers, and worked away on smaller targets for up to an hour at a time. And today it looks pretty tidy. And I do like it. However, anyone who has a ‘depression pit’ will tell you it is not a simple untidy space, it is months of buildup. Months of feeling hopeless. Months of feeling listless. Sometimes, you need a catalyst to force you to do anything, or I do. So the heating guy having to come in my room ended up being a push.

I do feel good that things are now tidy, I just need to keep myself motivated. Sometimes, it is so exhausting running from the constant sense of failure, that I just give up. Everything else is exhausting anyway. But… clean slate. As they say, when you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and try again. That’s where I am, just dusted myself off.

Time Was Rushing In

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How are we half way through November, already? I went into Town today, and found that all the Christmas decorations had popped up, and I had the audacity to be surprised that Christmas is just round the corner. I don’t know how, because Christmas is the same date every year. I suppose, I may have been distracted with my own problems that time has just disappeared on me. I, as usual, am not at all prepared for anything of ‘the season’.

Anywho, today has been a successful day. I have been struggling with pain recently, and been really sore most days. This means, that I have been doing the bare minimum. Not today, though. I was up early and had breakfast, then even did the dishes. Crazy stuff, I know. I then went into Town for the bank, and met a friend for coffee. I came home had some sweet and sour for dinner, and then came onto my laptop for a while. I actually updated by ‘about the author’ page and the banner links, so my Threads and TikTok accounts are linked. These are the social networks that I use the most.

It is a good feeling that I did something useful today. I am very good at not recognising when things go right, instead focusing in on what goes wrong. This is something that I am trying to work on, which is why I thought I’d try and recognise what went right today. So, hooray.

Progress stalled

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Sitting here on my couch feeling sorry for myself. Today has been a rough day, where I have struggled so much. My head hasn’t really been in the space required for being at work all day.

In my last post, I mentioned about completing the apprenticeship at my work. It was something that encouraged me to try and better myself, to look for a new role that I could do at work. Try to find a way to progress into a better role. So when something came up, I applied for it. Had the interview yesterday, and I thought it all went well. I felt I spoke well, and said everything I could to show I’d be good.

The problem is, that whenever I apply for something, I end up visualising myself in that role. For me to give anything positive, I have to believe in myself, and nothing makes me feel self belief more than thinking how good I’d be in the role. The issue with that is that you think you are so suited to the role, you feel like you are really going to get it.

It means when you don’t get the role you want, which is what happened, the rejection hits extra hard. Because you think you were so perfect for the role, that it must be something you have done wrong. And then, for me anxiety takes over. The thoughts which say that the reason you don’t get anything is because you’re stupid. How dare you get ideas above your station, life would be easier if you could just accept your role in life.

I’ve had a cry. Ate a chippy dinner. I’ve written things down. All of which helped. I have asked for feedback, to try and figure out what went wrong. So that I can learn for the next time I apply for something. As long as I can learn something from this experience, it won’t be such negative thing. When I can show that applying for a new role wasn’t a waste of time, I will hopefully feel better.

It all sucks though.

Stepping in the right direction?

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I have been at my current job for 10 years, which is the longest I have been at any single place, be in work or education. Over a quarter of my life in once place. That is pretty scary. So, I think I have made comments on it here before, but it has lead to me evaluating where I am in my life. This is something that happens whenever one reaches a milestone of any kind. So, 10 years at work, combined with me turning 40 next year, really has had me thinking.

My work offers a range of different apprenticeships, that cover a whole range topics, for all levels of the business. A few years ago, I decided to start an apprenticeship that my work offered. It was Supply Chain Business Improvement Techniques (BIT), which was an entry level course which focused on different things around the warehouse I work in. It was run in partnership with the local college, and was really informative. I had to create a portfolio tackling different issues in the warehouse, a lot of health and safety related stuff. It helped me see another side to the warehouse where I have spent the last decade of my life.

The apprenticeship has finished and my work held a graduation ceremony in the head offices in London. Me and some of the guys on the course, decided to go down. Partially because I have never really graduated anything before, and also because I am super nosey, and wanted to see how ‘the other half’ lived. I had been in one of the companies offices before, and it was super cool, so I couldn’t fathom what the actual head offices would be like. It was pretty exciting.

Computer free?

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

Your life without a computer: what does it look like?

If I were to consider life without a computer, I’d have to include my iPhone in any of my thinking. Because, a modern smart phone is a computer, just a highly mobile one. Everything I once did on my computer, I can now do on my phone. It’s crazy. Watch a tv show, do it on my phone. Take photos on holiday, do it on my phone. Write a blog, do it on my phone. Listen to music, do it on my phone. So, mobile has to be included.

As much as I would like to say, not much would change, everything would. My phone has my multiple alarms set on it (every 15 minutes after 5am), so I would need to find an actual alarm clock. I usually have the news playing, either DW or Sky News. Which is being played off my phone, so none of that. On the way to work, I get the bus, and my ticket is stored on my phone, so I’d need to by a physical one off the driver.

I work in customer returns for a big company. So when in work, I process returned orders on a computer. So… I couldn’t do that. Like, couldn’t do my actual job. And that means customer’s wouldn’t get their refund, which isn’t ideal for anyone. My work uses networks, and algorithms to operate the warehouse. The computer system knows where every single item in the warehouse is, and can send someone to pick it should it need shipped to another warehouse or a customer. If there were no computers, nothing would work.

Pretty crazy. Technology actually plays a massive role in my life, i kind of knew that already. But you never think about how massive an impact it has. It’s maybe why it’s so important to try and take time away from technology. Go for a walk, read a book, take part in a hobby of some sort. Put down the phones and computers and do something else, if you can. Obviously, in these high-tech times, it can be impossible to put down devices, especially when your work relies on it. So you manage it

Prompt Time: More Attentive?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What details of your life could you pay more attention to?
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There are a lot of aspects of my life that I need to pay more attention to. Especially at the moment, as I feel stuck in place. However, I do feel like I am my worst critic, and just give myself a whole pile of issues which I find hard to prioritise. I mean, I need to sort out my diet, lose weight, sleep better, do more drawing, clear out my room, buy new furniture, look for better paying job, buy a car, get my own place… The list of things I want to do is endless. Which makes it hard to find something to focus on, as there is just so much, it seems overwhelming. Like, what do you focus on?

Maybe, I need to think about things a little bit less as a list of things, and find a more realistic thing to tackle. So, the thing I think I would like to pay more attention to is my own mindset. The problem I have is that I look at stuff, like the list of ‘aims’ noted above, and I can’t focus on one, I just feel defeated before I can do anything. So, that is what I need to work on. Learn to look at my aims more individually, so that they are more achievable. I need to get more a ‘can do’ attitude, rather than a ‘can’t do’ attitude.

I have been looking into things on the internet, and there is an aspect of ADHD called ‘task paralysis’, it is when a person can’t complete a task as they don’t deem conditions perfect. I find that reading through articles explaining it in more detail, and it does make sense to me. I know I just struggle to see the worthiness of doing things, sometimes. Like, why bother if the most likely outcome is that I am going to fail. It’s like I am facing an avalanche, and I can’t even run away, despite my mind screaming to escape. So, I am going to try and work on that, as it has a really big impact on my life.

I end up being left sitting, not moving, nothing ever changing.