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An Afterthought

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What happens after you achieve something that you have been working towards for a long time?

It sounds like a silly question, but it is something I have been thinking about. I have been a person who likes lists to work through. I very rarely finish all the tasks listed, but it is a handy way figure out what you need to do. But sometimes, the same task can sit on my to-do list for weeks at a time. It usually is because the task has a lot of work to do as part of it, and sometimes, I am simply too lazy. Actually, that is most of the time. I’d rather watch anime or read a book, especially when it comes to things such as housework.

But, once in a blue moon, I actually focus and do the task I have been needing to do for ages. And, when I get started, I am stubborn enough to get finished. But, when it is done, there is like a strange feeling. Because this thing that has been on my mind for so long, is suddenly gone. It doesn’t need to be dealt with anymore. It is quite a calming feeling to be honest, which is good. As a naturally anxious person, anything that can keep me calm is a good thing.

But… I never learn. I feel the good feeling of achieving something, but I still have the habit of procrastinating when other things need to be done. I annoy myself sometimes.

Something New

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has moments in life, where they go from the top of a hypothetical ladder, only to then end up at the very bottom of another. The most common example of this, happens during childhood. When you are one of the oldest kids in Primary School, to start as the youngest again, when you go to High School. There is nothing bad about that, it is just something that sometimes happens. It can through everything up in the air, and make you reconsider quite a lot in your life.

I happens in adulthood as well. For example, I worked in a department at my work for over 3 years, I was settled, it was a really nice atmosphere and work was fun. But last week, I was moved to another department. There was no major changes, even my shift patterns stayed the same, the only thing that changed was the process I now had to do. And as easy going I tried to be about the whole situation, I couldn’t help feeling a little hard done by. Like, the whole ‘why me’ feeling, with thoughts of ‘what did I do wrong’. Being most experienced in one area, just to be moved back down to the least experience, is not a particularly nice feeling. And it is a feeling that is quite hard to get out of.

But, like a lot in life, these situations become easier if we have a better mindset. So rather that focusing on what I am missing out on, I am trying to shift focus onto what I am gaining. For example, the work situation, yes it is a pain, but it is also a new experience. Which in a workplace which is as ever-changing as mine, it’s only a good thing to be as experienced as possible. So, maybe that is a good thing. Another good thing is, that despite how anti-social I can be sometimes, I do like meeting new people. I like to be on good terms with people, used to be quite obsessed with it, actually. So, I try to be nice, and helpful, so that folk thing nicely of me. I have already met so many nice people at my work, and have created friendships that will last for years to come. Which is a good thing.

The hard thing is, that as well as staying focused on the good stuff, I also have to ignore the negativity. Some of the people who moved departments with me, really hate it. Like, all they do is complain. And when you are already struggling to be positive, someone being overly negative isn’t really that great. I remember my first job, being told during training that the mood of people you encounter, is contagious. It was all based on how if you smiled at a customer, they’d smile back, and carry that small positive action to someone else, and make the world a wee bit nicer. But the same happens with negativity, if the first voice you hear in the morning is ‘I can’t be bothered, this place is shit’, then that thought infiltrates your perception on what happens that day.

I guess, the main thing is to keep going with a smile if you can. It is hard, but it makes so many things easier. Well, maybe not everything, but even if it makes one hour of a day slightly easier, it is worth it.

The Computer With The Speed Of A Snail

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, after all my problems a few days ago with my computer getting stuck on an update, it eventually righted itself. Kind of. I searched various websites for a solution, to get my computer out of being stuck in a Windows Update, and the advice was just to let it run. As I couldn’t reset the computer at all, like it wouldn’t even go into the boot menu. So I left it, and went and watched a movie. Now, I don’t like leaving computers running unattended, but I sat it on the table, and let it run it’s course. A couple hours later, I found that the screen had changed, but instead of ‘installing updates’ on the screen, it said ‘update failed, removing changes’, or something like that. But it restarted a few times, and booted up as normal.

And, this is the first day since all that, that I have been able to switch it back on properly to use, and well… it is slow. Really slow. I can only think it is the broken update that has made it so bad. But, it could be a range of things. Sometimes, with the joys of mobile phones and my general laziness, I probably don’t give the computer as much of an opportunity to update itself, as much as I should. Which I am aware is breaking the first rule in the ‘how operate a safe computer’ manual. It sometimes just takes so long, and I don’t really have the time. It sometimes feels like a hassle.

Microsoft does put out a lot of regular updates, for various reasons. It could be something that can simply make the operating system on your computer work more efficiently, as there are a lot of software engineers who spend every day trying to make things work better. I am still waiting for that update which will stop Windows hogging up my CPU, but that’s another issue. And one of the biggest reasons that software gets updated regularly, from mobile games to shopping apps to operating software is for security. Especially when every device we use daily, connects to the internet. And that is part of the problem.

It is very easy to think of the internet as an static, non-moving thing. The very concrete, reliable, sturdy ‘information super-highway’. It is almost reassuring, that we can get everything we need from some massive electronic motorway. Except, that’s not quite true. The internet is more like a flowing river, than a motorway. Yes, it has a path, and it can give so much information to everyone. But that river won’t stay the same. Every bend the water takes, it erodes the riverbank. The current takes earth downstream. The current changes, and batters all kinds of obstacles. You can always rely on the river of the internet to be there, but it is never the same every time you visit. It is always changing.

There are people all over the world who are hired to poke holes in the internet. Trying to find ways to manipulate something or other. Because if someone finds a way to exploit our internet connection, it could be a way to collect our information. And the information held on the internet, that we can access through multiple devices, can all be exploited. For example, if someone finds your Facebook details, they could find a way into your Amazon account, and access your bank details. If you use an unsecured connection, and open your banking app, someone could track your activity and get your bank details. But these exploits are constantly changing. Almost as if someone plugs one hole, water starts leaking from another.  So what is a big risk today, in terms of internet security, may not be in even a few months time. So, updates to devices that connect to the internet, can help you protect all your information. As every update, of every app, has been created to try and fix any issues which could effect your security.

Which makes me wonder, I am sitting here, writing this post, on a PC that is slow as anything. And it is probably my own fault. Having multiple devices, I should probably know better. I am going to work over the next few days to fix the speed on this computer, and hopefully, I shall then get in the habit of using the computer regularly enough that the updates can actually run properly.

 

 

Always Hungry

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am trying to eat more sensibly, to both lose weight and feel a bit better about myself. Mostly, to feel better, because no-one wants to feel like shit. So, I am trying to cut down on eating crap (mostly crisps), which is harder than what it should be. As people, with our own minds, only we can decide what goes in our bodies. For a lot of people, food is a psychological thing, it links together with our emotions. If we feel bad, have some chocolate.

So, when trying to stop that, and change things, it can be hard. Especially the whole, eating less food, but better quality. I feel good, when I can stick to plan for the day. Like I have achieved something. However, sometimes even sticking to plan, means that I get super hungry. I have read, that as long as you eat enough calories, you’ll  be fine, just fill up on water. Which is great in theory. When I am at work, I am restricted to eating at break times, and I need to carry a bottle of water, should I need a drink whilst working. No fizzy juice or food allowed on the shop floor (to stop items getting damaged). Which helps, because I can’t snack, I can work and there is plenty of free water, should I need it.

But I get really hungry. Like today, nice healthy soup and an apple for lunch, but I was so hungry before the end of the shift. I have read up on this before, and there are ideas which suggest people think they are hungry, and it is all in their head. The most common reason for this happening, could be habit. For example, you could have a biscuit every day for your lunch, and you decide to cut down, so skip the biscuit, your brain makes you think you are hungry. But you aren’t, it is just a response to change. And I think that is where I have been today. Which is a pain.

When I am hungry, there can be a tendency for me to just want to go to foods which are have zero or very little waiting time. I get really lazy, and it is bad. It is perseverance that is needed. To push through the cravings, and try to plan more. But, I am rubbish at planning. Always start off with high hopes, and then fall of the horse before I’ve properly sat down. Happens with everything. Apart from this blog, actually. So, I am trying to use this blog as an example, that yes I can make new habits, and that it is actually a lot easier than i think.

 

Lost Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.

I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.

When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I  don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.

Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.

Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct,  but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.

It’s complicated. And I hate it.

But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.

Exercise Is Evil

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Okay. I know exercise isn’t really evil, in fact I enjoy exercise a lot, something I have into on this blog before.

The truth is, I am sore. I am very sore. This is mostly because I pushed myself at the gym yesterday, and did a lot at work today. This means that I limped home at the end of the day, feeling a bit sorry for myself. And, a bit like how a person after a night out on the town, may curse the existence of alcohol, I am cursing the existence of the gym.

So, to make myself feel better, I had some chips for tea and a nice long +90 minute bath. I am still sore, but I feel relaxed, so it easier to deal with. There is a myth that when it comes to exercise, the school of thought ‘no pain, no gain’ is the way to go. But I don’t believe it is. When I first started exercising, I did a little research first, as I was a bit nervous about hurting myself. I have problems with my joints, in general, where if I, for example, lift something heavy, it can cause my hands and arms to hurt. Nothing, that some pain killers can’t fix, but it is annoying.

Anyway, I looked into the best ways to gradually ease myself into exercise. And one of the things that is widely promoted, is that if you push your muscles too far, they can tear and get damaged. This is what can happen when you feel pain after exercise. This is why it is important that you warm up, before you do any exercise. Whilst I usually do warm up, I feel like I did too much. I walked 5km on the treadmill and cycled 10k, which is over double what I usually do. And that, is what I think caused the pain. Now, at that point, when I was sore, I should have had a bath. But I didn’t. So I went to work today, did a lot of bending and lifting, and the pain got worse.

I’ll survive. And, now I’m just having a lazy night with Youtube and my bed.

Not as dirty as it sounds.

Retreading Old Roads

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I always feel that people get annoyed with my posts popping up on their feeds. Especially, as I have committed myself to posting every day. Something that I am enjoying, even though I have struggled sometimes, posting an entry or two close to midnight. It is a challenge that I am having fun with, although it may not seem like it.

A lot of the things I talk about, relate to my mental health, especially anxiety. This is something that I am actively working on, to try and deal with things better. And, when I write something, sometimes similar thoughts run round my head, so that is what gets written about. There are times, when every point I think about my anxiety, I can think of different ideas as new ways to make it easier to deal with. Which, if I am honest, is something that I feel is essential to self-improvement. Always looking for a solution.

So, whilst I figure out what I am doing, I will go over things a few times. I might have a different angle for whatever happened, but that is what happens sometimes. Once things settle down a little bit, I am going to try and plan things better. I have a notebook, which already has some ideas written down. So, I would like to post a bit more varying content. Maybe write entries as drafts, and then post them in an order which mixes things up a bit. Writing every day is something that is still quite new to me, so it will take time for things to get in a better rhythm.

But for the moment, I am happy on here. This blog is celebrating it’s 8th birthday this year, and has become a place which is documented a large section of my life. And because of that, I find strangely attached to it. I like reading my old posts from years ago, to read about problems, which seem so insignificant now. My hope is, that one day, the anxiety I am writing about so frequently right now, will be as insignificant as my college are now, 8 years later.

Can always hope.

Gym Bunny

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today marked my first gym visit of 2017. I had a wee break at the tail end of last year, with the busy period at my work, and then Christmas. I can honestly say, that I missed the good feeling that I get from an hour or so working out. It is almost like I can be a different person, a less stressed, happier person.

I started going to the gym in May last year, after my work advertised a good deal with the local leisure center trust. There was no contract, so I thought I would try it out. I have wanted to go to the gym for years, but I was so scared. I am not the smallest of people, weight wise, I never have been, so I was really nervous about going to the gym. I think I always thought that people would be mean, like what I have experienced at other places. Something that has made me feel so stupid, and useless before. Total strangers thinking it is okay to berate me as they pass, because I am overweight. Not a nice feeling.

But, I pushed through my negative feelings for a change. And I went. And I discovered that there were people, just like me, using the facilities. Sounds stupid, but I think it is easy to assume that the only people who use gyms and such, are people who are already fit. Which is not true. It is people who want to better themselves, whatever their physical state. And, when I started exercising, I felt so much better. It felt like, all those anxieties that I felt upon initially walking into the gym, just went away. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an addictive feeling, and I started to go regular. I would spent time at the gym on my days off, and it really effected my mood.

I have been a wee bit stressed out this week, so I thought that I would take the opportunity with my quiet weekend, to get back into the gym. So I went today, and that great feeling came rushing back to me. Which has been a real boost to keep on track with my plans for the year, and forming new habits. Although, doing exercise was initially to get me fitter, it has been the improvement in my mental health that has kept me so interested. The shift of my goal from weight-loss to focusing on feeling better, was a game changer. It also meant that when I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, I wasn’t disheartened. To be able to commit to things better, like I am aiming for 2017, I need to shift perspective on my goals. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do that.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I find myself getting a lot of headaches at the moment. Nothing too serious, just a pain that lingers for a few days, brought on by anxiety. Sounds strange, but sometimes I get myself so worked up, I get this pressure in my head, and it is a struggle to rid of. It can make me so irritable. So, I’ve been looking at things to help me rid myself of these headaches, and thought I would post a few things that seem to help.

Drink Water- Now, this seems very obvious, but sometimes a big reason as to why our headaches linger on, is because we are dehydrated. I have always tried to drink a lot of water, as I genuinely like it, but sometime I do forget. Especially when I am working, and run off my feet. I have so many things to do, I simply don’t stop.  And drinking water, although it is a simple thing, it is easy to forget about it till you feel sick or rundown. Try to drink about 2 litres of water in a normal day, but more if you are running around, busy.

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Proper Sleep- Sometimes we can get headaches or become prone to sickness because we do not sleep enough. This is a thing that sounds bizarre, but it really does affects how your body functions. Tiredness, is something that runs hand-in-hand with overworking. Again, like with drinking water, it seems okay to start your day early and finish late. And, short term, your body can cope, but if you do it regularly, then you may find that you become exhausted and run-down. It is recommended that most adults sleep between 7-9 hours a night, though this can be difficult. If you get under 5 hours of sleep a night, it can increase anxiety, energy levels and cause headaches. So try to give your body time to recharge, and have an early night, you should feel a lot better with a healthier sleeping routine.

Eat Healthier- Again, like the points above, this should be a bit of a cliché. But by drinking coffee and eating sugar snacks, we don’t really nourish our bodies right. Yes, they may help give you a burst of energy first thing in the morning, but you may get a feeling of tiredness later in the day. It also can contribute to headaches, as some of these processed, sugar laden foods dehydrate the body. Which if your body is struggling with fatigue, is not a good thing. Good things which can give you a boost, include fruit, vegetables, bowls of cereal (eg bran flakes), and, as said above, lots of water. These are cleaner, and will help your body keep energy throughout the day.

Deep Breathes- This sounds a bit hippy-dippy, but taking your time to breathe properly, does calm our bodies down, and can help reduce the pain of a head ache. I like a step outside and breathing in colder air. It helps wake me up, calm my mind down a little and just takes my mind off any anxiety.

As a person who does get a lot of headaches brought on by stress and anxiety, and I have spent a lot of time looking into stopping the headaches happen. It should work, but as with everything, you have to form new habits, which is rather hard.