Category: Life

Running On Empty

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.

Don’t Like Asking

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Happy Sunday! I hope you are having an enjoyable and relaxing day. I did my usual, went to the gym, and then did nothing else. It is Sunday, after all. But, after deciding that I didn’t want to watch The Day After Tomorrow for the twentieth time (it’s not that good), I eventually started watching YouTube. And in particular, the wonderful Tessa Violet. Someone whose content I have been enjoying for a number of years.

Anyways, I was watching one of Tessa’s videos from a few months back, where she was talking about insecurities and how asking what other people though of her, made her feel uncomfortable. And that got those rusty cogs in my head spinning, slightly. What do I hate doing? Well, I hate asking for help or advice. I am a ‘think about it and just wing it’ kind of girl. I don’t know why that is, but it is how I have been as long as I dare to remember.

It’s why a lot of my entries here, end up being almost like advice blogs. Sometimes, there is no almost about it. I know that I have problems, I am more likely to search on YouTube or even WordPress, for articles or videos on my issue. This sounds a bit silly to some, but normally the advice given on these sites are not professional, they are just people speaking honestly from their own experiences. And that means, I can get helpful information without bothering anyone I actually know.

You see, that is a big problem about anxiety. You get so bogged down by your own problems, that you get the bizarre logic that sharing what’s wrong will just bog that other person down too. And, everyone else has enough problems going on, without dealing with my crap too. That mindset is one that has developed over years, and it means that as well as struggling to share what I am going through to an actual person, I can’t approach the subject at all. If I do, I panic, I freeze up, and I kind of fall apart. So it is easier to keep it to myself.

The internet has become a rich resource, and not just the generic help sites, I mean the user created content. Maybe it is because, I like reading or listening to another person’s experience. If I can relate my problems to someone else’s then I get strength to find a solution. And then, noone I know is bothered by me and my crap. It is easier that way.

Blue Monday?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s supposed to be the most depressing day of the year today. I don’t really understand the idea of dubbing a random day ‘the most depressing’.

I have been reading a lot about mindfulness and how most of what we feel is based on perceptions. So we assume things will be bad, because of the angle we are looking at it. I feel that is what happens when someone tells you a day is supposed to be depressing. You get into that mindset, and there is no getting away from it.

I’ll give you an example. I have been wanting a car, since I passed my driving test in November. I have now been 2 months since I passed my test, and because I haven’t been at a driving wheel since I had a melt down. Now, since I passed, I made the choice that I’d wait till I saved up money, and get the right car. But I made the mistake of reading all these negative articles about ‘Blue Monday’ as I ate my cereal this morning. Because I have so many issues with my mental health, I always think I am prone to these periods where depression runs high.

I was going to get a lift to the gym this morning, but my sister was taking her time, and a bus was due. So me being me, I left and went for the bus. All good so far. But then I started thinking about how at 18 she was offered to share a car with my dad. My brother was that age when he was gifted a car. And i couldn’t even get someone to come and look at cars with me. I started freaking out. What if I forget how to drive? What if I get in a car and freak out? What if I am never able to get a car? I got so worked up, I was sobbing at the back of the bus.

I stayed on the bus, despite just wanting to go home, and went to the gym as planned. I then sweated all the negativity out of my system, and I now feel better.

I feel I got so upset by reading all these articles about how people more successful than me felt low today. I mean, the whole idea of Blue Monday, is because people are waiting for the first payday after Christmas. That doesn’t apply to me, as I get paid weekly, but it didn’t stop the bad feeling. And I think by digesting all this writing about why I should be sad, I over-reacted to something completely different.

I have been reading The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein, and it is a book about changing your mindset. Putting trust in the universe and stop worrying about a future that hasn’t happened yet. The book tries to explain that by thinking in ‘love’ rather than ‘fear’, we can transform our lives. It sounds really silly, but this is revolutionary to me. It got me thinking how negativity does effect my day, and my life. I am trying to do the lessons that are in the books, but it is hard. Like everything, new habits need to be formed to make a difference.

Maybe the first habit I need to break from, is sensationalist articles on social media, trying to tell me how I should feel. Focus on the feel-good. Try a bit of positive mental attitude.

Capable

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has a level of strength within them. Something that gives them a certain level of capacity in dealing what whatever life has to throw at them. Different people are able to deal with different levels of things. Like some people can deal with a large work load, but cannot deal when someone loses their temper. No one person is capable at dealing with everything, and that is why it is important that we surround ourselves with good people, so that we can help each other through things.

And there is me. A big problem with my anxious mind, running 100 miles a minute, is that it’s favourite thing to is to doubt every little thing that I do. It is frustrating. But, I don’t think that these feelings come just from my own mind, it comes from the world I have experienced. In our society, if someone is over-confident in their abilities, they get beaten down for it. As if, noone wants the person who knows they are good at something. There is very much an idea, that people who do brag about their own abilities, makes us feel insecure about our own abilities. But the way things such as the media, come down on people who are outspoken about themselves and their talent, is only making that worse. It makes people think, it is bad to advertise that you are capable of something.

Once you lose faith in your abilities, for whatever reason, it is really hard to get it back. Like, a few years back, I thought I was capable of nothing. Was a case of, why bother with anything, as I will just fail. It is not a nice feeling. But something I learned to put up with. And, whilst I have more confidence than I did, there is still that mentality in me that tells me I will fail. I was reading something the other day, can’t remember where unfortunately, and it said that rather than thinking on our abilities to fail, we should be focused on our capability to try. Everyone can try something.

via Daily Prompt: Capable

Working Weekend

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everything always I want to do always happens at the weekend. When I say weekend, I mean a Friday or Saturday night. The nights where people want to party, and I want to go to bed after working during the day. Sometimes I find myself wishing for a normal weekend, just for a little chance to go to the football and enjoy a normal weekend.

I have always worked weekends. Whether it be working in a shop, call center, or warehouse (all they job types I’ve really had), I always have had to work a Saturday. And I am not alone, a lot of the people I know are the same. The weekend has become part of the working week. Whilst it can be highly annoying, a lot of the time it’s okay. Because you work some or all of your weekend, usually that means that your days off will just fall on other days of the week. The job I am in just now, for example, I work long days Wednesday to Saturday. Whilst that means that yes, I do miss the football and sometimes I am too tired to go out on a Saturday night (getting old, btw), it also means I am off Sunday to Tuesday. A 3 day weekend. It is good, because I get all my contracted hours done in as few days as possible, and if I want to work extra, I still get 2 days off.

There are good things about having your ‘weekend’ during the week. It is so much quieter, especially when the schools are in. I can go to Starbucks, and relax with a book, without kids throwing their rubbish at one another. Seriously, that is a pet hate of mine, going somewhere to relax and finding it filled with noisy distractions. Makes me wish that McDonald’s was still open in the town, because that is where all the kids used to go. I mean, if I wanted my days off to be filled with screaming kids, I would have had one of my own.

Anyway, as I said the shops are quieter during a normal weekday, and the gym is quieter. Seeing as going to the gym regular, has been a major boost to my mental health, I really like going on my days off. It helps me sweat out any of those anxieties that have built up over the week. But, again, if it is too busy, and I cant do my normal rotation of exercises, I get unnecessarily peeved off. Especially when I want on a treadmill, and 4 girls are standing on the remaining ones talking crap about someone. And if high school kids are in the gym, they have have the worst habit of not washing down the equipment after use. I mean noone wants to touch someone else’s sweat. That is just gross.

I think, that for all the cons there are for working the weekend, there are a lot of positives. But in this current climate, I sometimes need to remind myself how lucky I am to have a full time job at all. A lot of people have to work 2 or 3 part-time jobs for the hours I get with one. So maybe the days that you have off, actually don’t matter, that you get days off at all. Nobody can work 24/7.

Struggling

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

This week, so far, has been very difficult, productivity wise. Like, I set out these plans, and some of them aren’t working. Forming new habits are really hard, and I think it is easy to forget that, when you set yourself tasks.

I have posted every day, so far. And, whilst I was ahead of myself last week, this week, I am ‘putting it off’. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, I do, it’s just I can’t stay focused long enough to do anything substantial. So this wee gap, between spending time with family and going to bed, has been used to write. It’s not so much a writer’s block, more of just pure procrastination.

I. Hate. That. Word.

Procrastination.

It’s the idea that people have this programme in their minds, that simply ‘puts things off’. As an adult, I have had enough experience to know that putting stuff off never works. The number of sleepless nights I had because I didn’t do work for school or college, and it was deadline time. It was not good. But still, all these years later, I leave everything to the last minute. It is one thing that annoys me about myself.

But, when I think about it, or chat to friends about it, they procrastinate too. No matter what it is, people can feel like they can’t be bothered. It made me think, that maybe procrastination is natural. That, if people had the choice, they would love to just watch funny videos on YouTube all day. But they can’t. People have to function, and sometimes trying to function knowing those funny videos are out there is hard. You have to show discipline. You have to make effort. And sometimes, no one wants to make effort.

Maybe we need to be easier on ourselves. Understand that everyone gets to where they can’t be bothered. And we need to either push through it, or decide it is not important enough. I think that is what I want to come of trying to commit more. That if there is something, that isn’t worth ‘pushing through’ the distractions, then I shouldn’t do it. Quite hard to know when to let something go though.

Sometimes it would be nice if life had a guidebook like the Computer Games do.

Gym Bunny

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today marked my first gym visit of 2017. I had a wee break at the tail end of last year, with the busy period at my work, and then Christmas. I can honestly say, that I missed the good feeling that I get from an hour or so working out. It is almost like I can be a different person, a less stressed, happier person.

I started going to the gym in May last year, after my work advertised a good deal with the local leisure center trust. There was no contract, so I thought I would try it out. I have wanted to go to the gym for years, but I was so scared. I am not the smallest of people, weight wise, I never have been, so I was really nervous about going to the gym. I think I always thought that people would be mean, like what I have experienced at other places. Something that has made me feel so stupid, and useless before. Total strangers thinking it is okay to berate me as they pass, because I am overweight. Not a nice feeling.

But, I pushed through my negative feelings for a change. And I went. And I discovered that there were people, just like me, using the facilities. Sounds stupid, but I think it is easy to assume that the only people who use gyms and such, are people who are already fit. Which is not true. It is people who want to better themselves, whatever their physical state. And, when I started exercising, I felt so much better. It felt like, all those anxieties that I felt upon initially walking into the gym, just went away. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an addictive feeling, and I started to go regular. I would spent time at the gym on my days off, and it really effected my mood.

I have been a wee bit stressed out this week, so I thought that I would take the opportunity with my quiet weekend, to get back into the gym. So I went today, and that great feeling came rushing back to me. Which has been a real boost to keep on track with my plans for the year, and forming new habits. Although, doing exercise was initially to get me fitter, it has been the improvement in my mental health that has kept me so interested. The shift of my goal from weight-loss to focusing on feeling better, was a game changer. It also meant that when I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, I wasn’t disheartened. To be able to commit to things better, like I am aiming for 2017, I need to shift perspective on my goals. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do that.

Doomed, doomed I tells ya.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I have a habit of looking at the bad side of life. Focusing on the uncomfortable stuff that stresses you out, rather than the stuff that makes you happy.

I know that every day is a mixture of positives and negatives, but it is hard to focus on the positive if you can’t get past the negatives. It’s like there are roadblocks everywhere I turn, and I can’t even get to my destination. It is so frustrating.

I said a few days ago, that all I want to do is commit to everything I try to do. But I just don’t know how to commit to something fully, when I can’t find the focus, because my brain is taken up by the bad thoughts.

I need to try and change my perspective on things, but it is hard. I don’t know where to begin. That is a good thing, I guess, that we live in a world where there are unlimited resources on the internet for free. So I guess, I should have a look around. I think it is too easy to think that we know everything, and that we don’t need to learn anything else. But life is about constantly learning, so that we can better ourselves, better our lives. And that is the only way things will get better, to learn new stuff.

Just have to find somewhere to get help, and start making things happen. Hopefully.

A Wish List

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am not a typical girl when it comes to shopping. Most times I don’t like it, sometimes I even hate it. Even when I was younger, I would sit outside the shops with my Dad and read a comic. And even now, as an adult, shopping is one of those things I wish I could get someone else to do.
I am pretty good when I am buying stuff for myself, except that I just don’t take long picking things. It’s a bit like, I’ll to an general area for something I need, and I’ll just pick whatever I come to, and that’s it. I can’t be bothered with dithering between shops, trying to find something perfect. Oh no, not me. I get what I want, and then get a coffee. Is that not the best thing about shopping. Eating rubbish and drinking too much coffee?
I do have a bit of a list that I am trying to work through, though. A bit of a shopping list for myself, full of things that I like or that I need.
1)New car- or just any car. Doesn’t have to be new. I passed my driving test in November, and I have yet to get a car. It’s what happens when Christmas gets in the way. I just want an old car, one that will get me from A to B, without putting me in debt.
2) A New Stereo- Yes I still use a stereo, or I did. My old one died at the end of last year, and I have nothing to play my CDs on. Because I am becoming a bit of a vinyl fan, I’d like one with a turntable on it. I have a few options that I am looking at, and it would nice to just listen to music again. Go back to where I would switch my phone and computer off, and just listen to some music and read a good book. Without getting distracted.
3)A Bright Lamp- This sounds strange. But as well as being more productive with writing and drawing, I’d like to make more videos. I like talking to the camera, but being that good lighting isn’t a thing in my room, I need to add some myself.
4) Some new gym gear- I love the gym, and once I get back into going regular in the New Year, I’d like some fresh stuff. Because, last year, I didn’t know how I’d feel about the gym, I didn’t want to spend a lot of money on stuff that I maybe would only use once.
5) Some new clothes- Like good quality shirts, hoodies and patches. I would like to get back into DIYing things again. Especially as it would be cool for all the gigs I have coming up. I feel like a lot of my clothes are old, and I could do with them being refreshed.
6) A Macbook- I have wanted a Mac computer at home for so long. Just because it is something so good at multi-tasking, when I have used one before. Unfortunately, they are very expensive. When I am on my computer, I never do just one thing, so I’d like a computer that could handle that. And I would like a computer that isn’t Windows based, as that system annoys me.
Yes, I certainly do dream big. I think that a car, is the only urgent thing on this list. I really would liked to have got straight in a car after my test, but I couldn’t afford one on my own at that point. And the longer I am leaving it between getting a car and passing my test, I am getting more nervous. That is about 6 weeks since I passed, and I haven’t driven another car since. It is a lot of money, and I don’t want to waste a lot of money on something bad.
I just have to be patient. Though I am worse for that, than I am for shopping.

Worse For Wear

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I partied too much yesterday. I drank to much alcohol and ate too little food. It really is predictable how nasty I felt this morning. As a person in her 30s, you’d have thought I’d have mastered this drinking business. But nope, I certainly have learned nothing.

Luckily, when I say I felt nasty, it was nothing past a butterfly feeling in my stomach and slight light-headedness. Not what most people would call a hangover, but it is the worst I really get. But I still don’t like the feeling, and do the ol’ ‘I am never drinking again’, thing. Which never happens. My problem is that I don’t drink very often, so when I do, I am an extreme light-weight. So I kind of thought of some self-care tips to help when I am feeling a bit sensitive, after a night at the pub.

1) Relax. Have a slow start, if your stomach isn’t feeling quite right, jumping right on the treadmill might not help. So stay cosy in bed, put on Netflix or a favourite playlist on YouTube, and chill-out. I find that not jumping up first thing, actually helps calm my fluttering stomach down. And it makes me feel better.

2)Drink water. This is a bit of a cliche, but there is a reason for that. Your body gets really de-hydrated after a night on the booze, and it really wants rehydration. Don’t drink entire bottles of water at once, that could make you sick. Just have a glass or bottle of water next to you, and slowly sip away at it. Hopefully, once you have taken in some water, the light-headedness should go away.

3) Fresh air. Once you feel a bit less nasty, go for a walk. Nothing to energy intensive, but just enough to get the blood pumping and fresh air in your lungs. The whole process should feel refreshing, and make you feel a lot better. I always go for a walk if I feel slightly rough after a night out, and it always has made me feel better. I put my favourite album on, or listen to a new audio book.

4) Eat some food. I am a firm believer that food is the answer to most of my problems. Whether it actually is or not, is something debatable, but it does make me feel better. I have been told that putting food into your stomach, dilutes whatever alcohol remains, and helps your body return to normal. I am not sure how true that actually is, but it always made sense to me. Again, like the water, it is not about making yourself full, it is just about having something new in your stomach.

I don’t know if these wee points will help anyone. They have always helped me feel more normal again, so hopefully they do the same for other people. Please feel free to share any hangover remedies you use in the comments. It might be interesting to see what makes other people feel better.