Category: 2026

Dropping Things Instead of Juggling Them

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So, things kind of got worse before they got any better. On Tuesday, I had a complete meltdown over my University work. It just felt like everything that I was attempting to do, was useless. I am currently studying database management using SQL, and I just seem to have a complete incapacity to preform anything to do with it. I was so frustrated that I just wanted to erase everything and start again. Which, is something that ends up being more hinderance than a help.

I did manage to email my Tutor, after being too embarssed to post anything on the class forum. Which was something I pondered on for a while. I always feel embarrassed when I struggle to do something. I have this idea where ‘everyone else’ is managing things fine, and I am the only one who is stupid enough to be struggling. Logically, I know that this line of thinking is just unreasonable and incorrect, but when one is panicking, logic isn’t a factor. Fortunately, my Tutor emailed me back, and informed me that I wasn’t the only person struggling with the SQL part of the process. Which was a relief.

I am now taking my time going through things, and trying to get stuff to function properly. Doing it in hourly sessions at a time, because I find that helps my productivity most. That way, if I am struggling, I can just stop, and I can always go back after a break. That is why I am writing this post. Maybe delaying the inevitable of having to do something difficult. But circumstances aside, it is always good to write something.

I think I often underestimate how much work it is to work full-time, as well as study. Because, you need to put time in to recover. You need to have time for hobbies and interests. You need to have time to socialise with people. And then you need to do the functional stuff like eat, sleep, do housework, and other boring, but essential stuff. It feels like there isn’t enough hours in a day to fit everything in. Which can feel worse when I am faced with fatigue, which is a common symptom of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Something that is causing me awful bother at the moment, but that is a story for another day.

Pressurised

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I made a plan in November last year, where I would have 12 months to change my life. Every day I would do something positive, something that will move me towards my goals. Sounds admirable, and I thought that if I started at the tail end of the year, there would maybe be more chance of me keeping up with what I hope to do.

Unfortunately, it coincided with the winter. With compulsory overtime at work. And the hardest, most personally challenging part of my university course. A bit of a mental health crisis. Physical health problems. Just, one thing after another. I has left me with about 5 weeks of complete loss. Of uselessness. Where there has been no energy to push through the imaginary barrier that has formed.

Today, this has continued for most of the day. I have eaten, I cried over work I couldn’t understand. I didn’t talk to anyone. It took till about 3.30pm for me to attempt to write a list. One that has 4 items, 2 of which are studying, and the other is eating dinner, and writing this very blog. A list that looks laughable, but still feels like progress.

My head feels like a constant fuzz. Like TV static. The kind that makes it so hard to focus on anything productive. So things have to be done in small bits. I just hope the small bits are achievable in some way. So that I am able to pull myself out of this feeling of uselessness.

Falling Backwards

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been trying to get myself organised, get new habits done, and do things for the better. But last week, my ‘new routine’ fell apart. I wasn’t doing any self-care. I wasn’t making lunches. I was rolling out of bed, going to work, and falling asleep on the couch when I got back home. Whilst, hooray, I went to work, and was on time, but that’s the bare minimum. And I feel so shit about it.

I am trying to not let it get to me. But that is easier said than done. I feel like I am in a rut. That I am useless. What is the point in doing anything, because I always fail. It’s all rather pathetic. And I fall, once again, down that spiral of hating myself.

I guess the hardest thing to do, is to get myself out of that habit of berating myself about every failure. Which is hard. I’ve spent large sections of my life being attacked to being overweight, or being a bit socially awkward and saying the wrong thing. I have been made to feel abnormal, hated because of things I haven’t been able to help. I berate myself, because others berate me for my failures. And my life is filled with failure and missed opportunities. It can be so hard to see past it all. It’s easier to give up.

I have been trying to read and consume more inspirational content. Stories of people who overcome difficult situations, situations far more difficult than my own. One of the biggest ideas that keeps being repeated is that the only people who don’t fail, are those who never tried in the first place. Which is supposed to be comforting, but I am not really sure if it is.

At the moment, my aim is to make today better than yesterday. Find reasons to enjoy my day. Whether it’s jobs ticked off my to-do list, or actually doing my habits that I need to do. It might even be going somewhere and being social. It might be reading my book, and actually silencing the constant narrative in my head. I have to have the energy to do that though, and sometimes, I am out of all energy. I can’t fathom doing anything other than function on a basic level.

It’s all about changing my mindset. And that is something that there is a quick fix for. It’s a lifetime of work that is required. And… when you look at it that way, 1 week of not functioning well, isn’t really that big a deal.

Routinely

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is busy time for me. Work is at the busiest period of the year, so I am working 5 days a week (50 hours instead of my normal 40). It is okay, the extra money is handy, but it can be so tiring working an extra 10 hours. Needs must. 2026 is going to be an expensive year, as there are lots of plans and aims, so it is good that I have some extra money coming in.

I usually leave the house at 6am, to bus my way to work, which I start at 7.30am. One of my things I wanted to do this year, is finally get a morning routine sorted out. I have been good at just rolling out of bed at the latest possible time, without being late for work. So, I have started waking up at 4.30am. Yes, I know that sounds like the middle of the night. My routine includes doing some pilates for 10 minutes, making my bed, brush my teeth, and then make my lunch for the day ahead.

I know that it doesn’t sound much, but you have to start from somewhere. And, if you don’t try then you don’t get anywhere. It is better to try, and then fail, rather than sit by and do nothing. And, I am finding that I find doing small bits, makes it easier to get moving, as it means that I have already achieved something before the day even gets started.

As well as working all day, I also still have to study, for at least 10 hours a week. I am going to see if I can start a post-work routine, where I can study for a few hours, then still have time to read/journal/watch TV. It means that the is pretty full on. But, it should see progress in everything that I want. It feels exhausting, but they do say that anything worth doing, requires some effort.

So let’s put some effort in and see what happens

2026?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I can’t be the only one sitting wondering how it is 2026? It feels like the last few years have flown in, and I’ve lost all concept of time. They say that is a sign of getting older, which is just great.

2025 was one of my worst personal years to a very long time. I just did a really poor job of looking after myself. Both mentally and physically. And it lead to me being very unproductive, and my hobbies falling at the wayside. I think I posted 20 posts on here last year, which is really not good.

It’s not that I don’t like writing, it’s that I didn’t see the point. I struggled with everything that needed any kind of effort. Now, whilst hobbies may seem surface level, it was bigger than that. I wasn’t keeping in contact with friends, because I felt so worthless, that I would just drag them down. Just shit on the lives of people around me. Calling the doctors, and getting medications sorted was spending I was bad at. Because I had no energy to spend effort in anything, I wasn’t calling the doctors, I wasn’t chasing up unfilled prescriptions, getting blood tests. To get a lot of medical problems resolved, a person needs to be pro-active. And I simply didn’t care enough. Why bother?

I’ve been trying to garner the energy to get back up to date with things. I’m not doing so well, so far. It doesn’t help when I get motivated during the holidays, when everything is closed.

In previous years, I have attempted to change lots of things at once, and then acted surprised when it failed. This year, I have a lot of hopes, but I am going to do steps gradually. See if that helps. And maybe I can find a bit of drive for the year ahead.