Multi Media Viewing

I am sitting at home right now, Eastenders is playing in the background as I write this post. And, this happens all the time. I spend a lot of time with the TV on, whilst browsing twitter or checking news articles. There isn’t a lot of programmes that can keep my attention.

This isn’t anything new. A lot of people have the same problem, it is so hard to focus just one thing. I mean, even my mum sits with the TV on, whilst playing Candy Crush on her phone. It works in other ways, how many people read a newspaper or book with the TV on in the background. It does effect how we can view things such as movies. I have about a 30 minute limit to get ‘into’ a film, if I am not interested then I simply get bored.

It is something I want to combat. Like put my phone away more, and simple relax, enjoy one thing at a time. So
I can pay attention to programmes and films better. The only things I watch with all my attention are subtitled anime episodes. I think that is because you have to read as well as watch, you don’t pay attention and you miss what happens. At the moment, I am watching Naruto Shippuden. I watched the dubbed version of some of the series years ago, but the voices annoyed me. A big issue I have with a lot of English dubbed anime
series. But I am getting more into the ones with subtitles, as the original voices are less annoying, and as said reading what happens takes all my attention. It’s easier to stay focused.

Running On Empty

I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.

Milestone

Today I finished work as normal and got a wee congratulatory message from WordPress about having 200 people subscribed to this very blog. It feels pretty big, but it also made me wonder about a few things.

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It made me think about how useful milestones can be. I guess, the most common thing they are used for, is to be a target. To have something significant that you can work towards. It is really useful, and is used in everything from school education to weightloss to saving money. And having a goal is a proven motivational tool. Or it can be.

I have a lot of experience at setting goals and doing nothing to achieve them. These targets are usually something I do really want, but I just get a little over-eager in planning things. Like I’ll get so far, and then I’ll just give up. Because whilst my target is there, it begins to feel like I make a lot of effort and I’m no further in reaching my goal. Over time, I have learnt I work better with smaller goals. Wee bits at a time.

For example, I have tried a lot of monthly blogging challenges in the past, and I have failed them all. I made a change this year, and tried to simply post something every day. No end goal in focus, just the short termed goal. And it has worked, we are nearly at the end of January, and I was able to post something every day. Because the goal was more achievable, it was easier to get a momentum going.

It is nice when your smaller goals, do add up to a bigger milestone. It’s a satisfactory feeling. There are 200 people following this blog, and that feels pretty special. This blog has been about expressing myself, and that is about it. Other than posting regularly, there has been no real targets for me. It’s all fairly natural.

Thank you to anyone who has followed this blog over the years. I appreciate that you took the time to take a wee bit of interest in whatever nonsense I ramble about. ❤

Sketchbook

Since I was little I have kept sketch books full of drawings, diary entries and cut-outs. It’s always been a good way to be creative and work out some anxieties that I may have.

The only problem is, that as life gets busier and I get older, it becomes harder to focus on drawing and stuff. For example. My current sketch book was started about 2 and a half years ago. Which is quite bad. Considering there was a time that I could go through a sketch book every few months.

I am trying to say to myself, that it doesn’t matter how much I do. It matters more, that I am doing anything. Because I look at how little I have done and I feel bad, guilty almost, that I haven’t been doing as much as I maybe would have liked.

But in the last few days I have filled 4 pages with doodles, and it’s kind of motivated me again. So, I thought I would post some of the bits and pieces from previous pages of my sketchbook and try and push myself on further.

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It’s covered

I am one of those people who can’t have a simply plain notebook. I need to have it personalised, to show a bit of character. For book covers I like them to be covers in a mosaic style. Like below.

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When I was younger, that involved printing pictures off the Internet, or cutting them out of magazines. Gluing them onto my book cover. I was feeling a bit bored with my most recent diary, so I ordered stickers off Amazon, and spent a wee bit of time, covering my book.

It was really fun and relaxing. Something I am needing to do more of. And it is something very simple.

Tuning In

Music is a constant in my life, and it is probably the same with anyone reading this. Of course, you may not actively seek out to listen to music, but it is still there. It is in the shops you visit, it accompanies your favourite TV shows and is on the radio station you listen to in your car. It is everywhere. Music is that one think that helps give everything rhythm.

A lot has changed in how we get music, to purposefully listen to.When I was wee, people taped songs off the radio. Something that was a bit of an art-form, if I were to be honest. Trying to get as much of a song as possible, without the voice of the station DJ. I remember swapping my tapes with friends, as everyone had different mixes. It was fun, and I could see myself listening to the Pepsi Chart show, spending the large portion of my Sunday, waiting for my favourite songs. I was young and daft, but weren’t we all

As soon as I had my own money, I would by music magazines and any album (at that point CDs) I could afford. The thrill of new music, and getting to read the liner notes made me feel like I was getting a snippet at a band I liked. It wasn’t long after that things changed forever. The internet came into public use, and friends I knew started using services like Napster and Limewire to download songs. It was the first time, for many, that they could access an artist’s entire back-catalogue with a few clicks, and it didn’t cost a penny. I, myself, tried Limewire, but a virus and incorrectly labelled music files, caused me to opt put of that option. I still liked my CDs.

Eventually things progressed. The torrent sites were forced offline or became unreliable, and online digital music stores like iTunes, reaped the benefit. However, with today’s faster internet speeds, people are opting into streaming content. To the stage, where most radio stations stream live content from their websites. It means that you can now pay a monthly fee, if you want to, and stream your favourite artists to your games console, smart TV, mobile, or almost every device that can get an internet connection. It is getting to the stage, where a lot of people who consume music, don’t even need to purchase it anymore. I find that sad.

I use streaming services,  like Spotify and Amazon Music, but I use them for either ‘music-on-the-go’ or to find new music to listen to. The last few albums I purchased, was for artists that were on my recommended playlist on Spotify. These services are smart, they know what artists you listen to most, and give you new music based on that. It’s very intuitive.

I am friends with a lot of musicians, all of which make the most money when someone buys an album or some other merchandise. So, as a result, I have always bought music.I like to try and get the physical CD, or even vinyl record, to put money back into an artist I enjoy. I think that is only fair. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks the same. For every legitimate streaming site, there are 3 or 4 illegal streaming services. Now sites like Putlocker maybe are more about movies and TV shows, but the point still stands. Is it really fair to enjoy something, but not pay for it?

Maybe it is because I have been stung by people wanting things for free, myself. A few years back, when I was on my last year/ just left college, I tried to get a graphic design business up and running. It was actually the main reason this very blog was started, to promote the development of my new company. Unfortunately, it didn’t take off quite like I expected. I struggled getting clients, because I was on my own, and had no experience. But I would get interest from people, mostly from established local companies, requesting some work to be done. Unfortunately, these people wanted everything done for free. I kind of excepted this was going to be part of starting up myself. I had a part-time job, but stepped up to full time, to pay for bills and things. The people, who wanted the free labour, would send me emails when they knew I was working (I gave every perspective client my work rota, so they knew when I’d be available). I would finish working a long day in a call center, and would have several emails from people, all sent during that day, asking why I was ignoring them. I was working, my phone was off, and I couldn’t access my private emails, something I had already explained. I would get dog’s abuse off these people, who said that they were doing me a favour. But I worked on, and sent them the final work and they refused to acknowledge me.  They had previously said that the publicity would be good for me, so they shouldn’t have to pay. It was horrible. I lost all confidence, and to-date, I kind of put everything on hold.

And that is why, I don’t think I could sleep at night, knowing that I was taking in the work of other creatives for nothing. So no Kodi boxes for me, you can keep your ‘chipped’ Sky systems, and I’ll pay for what I can afford. And I will appreciate it all.

 

Don’t Like Asking

Happy Sunday! I hope you are having an enjoyable and relaxing day. I did my usual, went to the gym, and then did nothing else. It is Sunday, after all. But, after deciding that I didn’t want to watch The Day After Tomorrow for the twentieth time (it’s not that good), I eventually started watching YouTube. And in particular, the wonderful Tessa Violet. Someone whose content I have been enjoying for a number of years.

Anyways, I was watching one of Tessa’s videos from a few months back, where she was talking about insecurities and how asking what other people though of her, made her feel uncomfortable. And that got those rusty cogs in my head spinning, slightly. What do I hate doing? Well, I hate asking for help or advice. I am a ‘think about it and just wing it’ kind of girl. I don’t know why that is, but it is how I have been as long as I dare to remember.

It’s why a lot of my entries here, end up being almost like advice blogs. Sometimes, there is no almost about it. I know that I have problems, I am more likely to search on YouTube or even WordPress, for articles or videos on my issue. This sounds a bit silly to some, but normally the advice given on these sites are not professional, they are just people speaking honestly from their own experiences. And that means, I can get helpful information without bothering anyone I actually know.

You see, that is a big problem about anxiety. You get so bogged down by your own problems, that you get the bizarre logic that sharing what’s wrong will just bog that other person down too. And, everyone else has enough problems going on, without dealing with my crap too. That mindset is one that has developed over years, and it means that as well as struggling to share what I am going through to an actual person, I can’t approach the subject at all. If I do, I panic, I freeze up, and I kind of fall apart. So it is easier to keep it to myself.

The internet has become a rich resource, and not just the generic help sites, I mean the user created content. Maybe it is because, I like reading or listening to another person’s experience. If I can relate my problems to someone else’s then I get strength to find a solution. And then, noone I know is bothered by me and my crap. It is easier that way.

Challenge: 5 Photos

Bit bored tonight, so thought I would get a wee bit creative. Well, creative in that I am posting a photo post on a Saturday. Yeah, I’m lazy. So I am going through try and post 5 of my favourite photos from my phone.

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I have so many photos on my phone, I kind of picked more nature and landscape pictures. I love photos, they capture a moment. I think it can be easy to snap away and not look at photos. The days of selecting pictures for a photo album are gone, so no harm in looking back.

Get To Know Me

Are you named after anyone? No
When was the last time you cried? A few days ago, watching a nature documentary. I am a sap.
Do you have kids? Nope
If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? I’d like to think so. I am trying to be a better version of myself, so hopefully that better version would be someone I’d be pals with.
Do you use sarcasm a lot? No (yes, too much)
What’s the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes, you can tell a lot from a person’s eyes.
What is your eye color? Blue
Scary movie or happy endings? Happy endings.
Favorite smells? That smell that happens after a really heavy rainfall. Almost like mud.
What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? Probably America, went to Disney in Florida.
Do you have any special talents? Not really. I like drawing, it is debatable whether it is a talent though.
Where were you born? Dunfermline, Fife, Scotland
What are your hobbies? Reading, writing, playing computer games, drawing and going for walks.
Do you have any pets? none 😦
Do you have any siblings? Yes, a younger brother and a younger sister
What do you want to be when you grow up? Probably be good enough to sell some paintings.
Who was your first best friend? Probably my brother, though I did want him sent back to the hospital when he first came home.
How tall are you? 5,4
Funniest moment throughout School? A friend kicking his shoe on top of a school building, and having to go to class with one shoe to ask the teacher for help getting it back.
How many countries have you visited? America, Switzerland, Malta, Germany and Portugal, so that is 5
What was your favorite/worst subject in High School? I loved art, but hated Modern Studies
What is your Favorite drink? : soft drink- Diet Coke, alcohol- beer or tequila
What would you (or have you) name your children? Always liked the name Alex for a girl.
What Sports do you play/Have you played? I used to play hockey, netball, football and lacrosse when I was younger
Who are some of your favorite YouTubers? Emma Blackett, Peanutbutter Gamer, Slope’s Game Room, Ashens, Rerez, Rosiana Rojas, Daisy Lola… I watch too much YouTube.
Favorite memory from childhood? Just the summer days playing with my neighbours, running around the field next to my house.
How would you describe your fashion sense? A mess. As long as it fits, is comfortable, it’s okay.
What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?) IPhone 6s. I have been an iPhone user for the last several years. Before that I had a Blackberry Bold.
Tell us one of your bad habits! Biting my nails. Do it all the time.

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This was just a wee distraction. I have always loved doing these questionnaire things, and felt I would share one here. It’s good to share, so if you’d like to use this, please do.