Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Grounding

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you have an attack of anxiety, usually at the most inopportune moment, the advice is to try and ‘ground’ yourself. It is a method of trying to calm your mind, usually by connecting to the world around you. The idea, from my understanding, is that you try to focus on the world around you, to help get you out of the mental spiral that anxiety can cause.

There are many different ways to ground yourself, and different things work for different people. The top things that work for me, are:

  • Listen to music- I regularly make up playlists with different songs. A mixture of music genres, metal, punk, dance, ska, pop, anything. Normally something that can make me tap my toes, or sing along with the lyrics. It distracts me from whatever is going on.
  • Deep breathing- Honestly, this does not work all the time. But, I have a ‘breathing’ app on my Apple Watch, which has helped me when I get panicked when I am out in about. I have frequently went into a cubicle and done breathing exercises which have helped calm me down.
  • Fresh air- Going out for a walk helps me calm down. I think it involves taking myself away from the situation helps calm my mind down. I can look at nature, or even simply watch cars drive past. It’s a distraction.

To me grounding myself is about getting my mind out of whatever funk that is causing my anxiety. I understand that to a lot of people, the definition may be somewhat different. But, the world is about making things relevant to yourself, so that you can use it. Life is about seeing things in way that helps you deal with your day and make things a little more bearable. And it is a journey, it is progressive, a thing that changes over time. And, that’s okay.

Bad Friends

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have written on here, a lot, about how I have been struggling to keep up with my hobbies. It’s mostly due to being in constant pain, whilst having crappy mental health, often leaves me no energy to try and do any of my hobbies. I just want to sit in my bed and do nothing. The trouble is, that it is not just hobbies that suffer when I am going through a bad patch. My personal relationships suffer too.

I have always been a low maintenance friend. The kind that doesn’t have to always be in contact, but will always be there if you needed them. Like I get messages from friends, just chatter or memes, and I often read them, start to reply, and then get distracted before I can actually send them. And when I wonder why I have heard nothing back, I check to see that it is me who halted the conversation. And, now it is too awkward to send anything, because the conversation is over. And it was my fault.

Any message I would subsequently send would serve as an interruption. Everyone has their own shit going on, they don’t need me turning up, with my complete lack of awareness. So I don’t send anything. And it all goes silent. I am not much better in real life, either. I will say basic chatter, that ‘how are you’, that doesn’t seem to really care how anyone is doing. Which is annoying, I do care, I just don’t really know any other way to try and start a conversation.

Conversation is a thing that has never been my strong point. My mum used to always speak of how I would be quiet at nursery or Primary School, to the point teachers would be worried about my speech. The truth was, I could talk fine, I just didn’t waste time talking to people who I didn’t want to. I’d much rather do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book. Not much has changed. I always feel awkward in conversation, where I have nothing to add, as everything in my life is boring. I either complain about being sore, or my work.

I think this is my problem. I feel like a background character, who is someone folk are aware of, but don’t particularly like. Think Kirk from the Gilmore Girls. He is a member of the town of Stars Hollow, he is a valuable member of the town (doing almost every job there is), but no one really has time for him. He is a person to be mocked and not one to befriend. That’s me.

I discovered this week that someone who I really trusted, was speaking shit about me. Making me out to be a horrible person. Now, I have my problems, but I do try to be nice to everyone. It has just shattered my confidence. Like, maybe that’s why I am such a low maintenance friend, because I don’t expect any of them to actually like me. Not really. The curse of my life is that mantra that used to be thrown about of ‘you can’t expect anyone else to l like you, if you don’t like yourself’. I have never liked myself, so I don’t expect anyone else to either.

I am aware that it is just another thing I need to work on. Great.

A Little Push Every Day.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

During my last post, I talked about trying to get my life in some kind of order. After some further thought, I decided to give myself till Christmas, as a place to assess how well things have gotten. So I have decided to focus on different things every day, do things in small bits. Because, when you simply look at the ‘bigger picture’ it can easily become overwhelming. Or, it does when I do.

Yesterday was a struggle, where I was really sore. I find it really hard to start moving, when I have no solid plans. So I lay on my bed, and felt sorry for myself. I was awake early, but I had no motivation. And that is the issue, the longer I lie, the more everything hurts. Around midday, I got a text from my friend about going to get some coffee after her work, and that appeared to be all the plan I needed. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even do the dishes because I had zero grip, which made me feel useless and I had a little cry. I then went for the bus and bought a sandwich to finally have some painkillers. Progress.

As I already knew, once I had my pain relief and had started walking around, things started to feel a lot better. I had coffee with my friend, and then I went and bought stuff for dinner. I ended up feeling so good I made my dinner, which is a rarity when I have a bad pain day. And then I finally did dishes, so despite starting off bad, I felt rather accomplished.

So, I decided that as I watched the TV during the evening, I was going to do some drawing. One of those hobbies that I have been struggling with. So I charged up my Apple Pencil, and spent around an hour doing a doodle. It wasn’t a piece of fantastic art, but it was a bit of creativity. I am fully aware it looks like a piece of crap.

Today has been a lot better. I got up and moving at a decent time. Had breakfast and pain relief at a decent hour. I then did the dishes, and decided I needed to do some laundry. 5 loads of laundry to be exact. And I organised some things in my room, which made the mess a little bit less messy. I did it whilst listening to some vinyl, namely Descendents’ Everything Sux, and NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. By focusing on what I was doing for short burst, I was quite productive. I’ve now had my dinner, half my laundry is drying on the line outside, and I am planning on having a wee read tonight, after I finish writing.

I feel like a person who can actually function today, which is rare. This is the feeling that I wanted, and one I hope to continue. I’m very good at recognising the bad days, but I need to recognise the good days more.

Needs Work

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am aiming to buy a car before winter. Because public transport can be chaotic as the weather gets worse. So, in a normal situation, I would pick up an extra shift at my work. Unfortunately, everyone at work is in a similar boat and also needs extra money. So, when overtime becomes available it is gone before I can get a chance to claim it for myself. And it is so annoying. I understand that a person shouldn’t rely on overtime, but it has been a thing for years, that I could turn to should I need money for anything, holidays, birthdays, MOT… So, now it has been absent for most of the year so far, and is now impossible to get.

It is not only me who is affected, with everyone I know at work in same situation. People are picking up second jobs, even third jobs, just to get by. And that means that once work decides it does need everyone to grind away at overtime, people will be unable to because they will have other commitments. The problem, for me, is that `I struggle with doing my 40 hours at my job, mostly with my arthritis. So, the prospect of being on my feet doing another job is unnerving to say the least.

One of my friends suggested using the skills I have. Which would be writing or drawing or something like that. And, although that is actually the original reason for me starting this blog over a decade ago, I am struggling keeping up with my hobbies as it is. Like, everything is currently so sore with my arthritis, even reading is hard. And, that is what worries me, that I start something to make extra cash, and then it gets too hard to continue. And the anxiety doom spiral starts.

This blog, for example, has been going for over a decade and whilst posting does happen, it is rather sporadic. Which means, as WordPress likes to tell me, my lack of regularity is no good for getting consistent viewership. Habits are hard to form, so maybe that is something to work on.

I guess the first avenue is going to be learning how to budget. Never been very good at budgeting. Can’t help thinking it should be something that should have been taught about that at High School.

Distraction

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Since I came back from my holiday, last month, I have been having a flair-up with my arthritis. Which, is making it hard to do a lot. Even working is taking it out of me, like I need all my time off from my work to recover. I would like to be able to blame the warmer weather, but the Scottish summer is being the typical Scottish summer, and the weather is not being particularly warm. So, all I can do is take my medication, do my stretches, and hope that it goes away. I’ve left a message with the rheumatologist and hopefully they get back in contact soon. It is a headache not being able to hold things properly.

The only thing that has been keeping me going at the moment is Formula 1. The weekend just passed was the British Grand Prix at Silverstone, where Lewis Hamilton won his 9th win at the circuit, and 104th win overall. It was really nice to see Lewis at the top of the podium on his final home race with Mercedes. And it was such an exciting race, with 5 different race leaders during the race, which shows how exciting formula 1 2024 is this year. It’s been so much fun, seeing different drivers do well this season, including teams who have maybe not been so successful in recent seasons. I was a little upset for Lando Norris, as he did lead the race for a large chunk of the race, and poor strategy and mistakes lead to him coming in third. And wee Oscar Piastri recovered to 4th.

I did look at tickets for Silverstone, to actually attend the Grand Prix, as I have never been before. They were actually affordable. I could have actually went, but I applied for the time from work and it was rejected. So, no Grand Prix for me and I had to watch it on the TV instead. Which was fine. My Dad watched with me, and it was the first time he had watched the whole race, and he said he enjoyed it. So, that was good. Me and my Dad often go to watch the stock car racing, which is so much fun. Where I live in Fife, there are two stock car tracks nearby, one in Racewall in Cowdenbeath, and Lochgelly Raceway.

There is now a break before the next race, and I don’t really know what will keep me occupied. Lots of F1 focused blogs would simply focus on gossip, and I don’t really have much of a tolerance for that kind of thing. Never have been. I don’t like the idea of spreading around lies, just for the sake of content. But mostly, I don’t have the focus. Yes, I have different interests, but I duck and dive around them sometimes like I am a rugby player trying to make it up the pitch. It is why this blog kind of bops around a bit. But that is just how my brain is.

Exploration

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

In my last post, I spoke about my trip to Germany during EURO 2024, and how great it was. Well, we were only in Germany for a few days, so we decided to adventure to a country we hadn’t been to before. So we spent a few days in Vienna in Austria. We had a 5 hour FlixBus from Munich to Vienna, which was a trek. I have never really been on a bus for a long while a few times. I did once get a night bus from London to Edinburgh, which was horrendous. And then a bus the length of Ireland, because someone (me) flew into the wrong airport. The bus did what I needed it to, I was able to get to where I needed to and it was cheap, and fairly comfortable.

Luckily our hotel was right on the bus route for the Big Bus open top tour, so we were able to do proper tourist stuff. For once, as when you are on a football trip, you sometimes don’t get the chance to do a lot of tourist things. I have only ever done one bus tour, and it was in Edinburgh back when I was at school. It was pretty cool going round the city and learning lots of different things. Like, that Pavarotti would run out of the city opera house to get a sausage from the food stand across the road. Okay, that probably didn’t happen, but it was a fun little anecdote that made me laugh. We were able to jump on and off the bus, and get to explore different areas. Like, I never knew that Vienna had so many public parks.

It was such a fun few days. A good thing was that for an additional €10, we got to go to the city’s amusement park and right on this really old ferris wheel. It was a 20 minute ride and you could see an amazing view of the city. Such a cool thing to experience.

I really enjoyed Vienna, it was such a nice city. I learnt so many things that I didn’t know, like the amount of social housing in the city, the fact that Vienna was split into 4 after World War 2. Things that were so interesting, that I had no idea about. There were also so many different museums, that we never got anywhere near, due to lack of time. I would love to go back, and see other things. Hopefully

We Had a Dream…

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have only just recovered from my holiday. Scotland reached the EURO 2024 finals in Germany, so me and my friend decided to join the party. Luckily for Scotland (not), they were drawn against the hosts, Germany. Me and my friend have an annual holiday travelling to another country to see Scotland play. It’s great, we get to meet the same people every trip, so it becomes an annual catch up, and the EUROs have been no exception.

Now Germany, during an international tournament, is very expensive. A lot of people who I knew who were going out to Germany, went out in a caravan, or took out tents to set up at various campsite. It was the cheaper, though not really cheap, option. But as two people with zero camping skills, and no access to a caravan, we decided to stay in a hotel instead. But, again, cost was a factor, so we spent a few days in Munich, the home of the opening match of the tournament, where Scotland played Germany.

Marienplatz, Munich- where Scotland fans met up

The atmosphere in Munich was incredible. Everyone was so friendly. It felt like parts of the city was entirely taken over by the `Tartan Army, it was amazing. When the game was on, the plan was to head up to the official EUROs fan zone, but before we left Marienplatz, we found out the zone was already at capacity, so we stayed where we were. We ended up going to an Irish bar, that had massive TVs outside, and we had a total party. Even though Germany beat Scotland 5-1. Doesn’t mean we didn’t celebrate getting one goal.

Scotland fans watching the game at a pub, Munich

It was an amazing time in Germany, and I am glad I was able to go and be a part of the tournament and revel in the atmosphere. We were in Germany 10 years ago to see Scotland play in Dortmund in Germany. Funnily enough, we were beat that time as well.

We travelled to Vienna after, but I will share that next time. The rest of the tournament for Scotland didn’t go to plan, which was not what we hoped. But, I am not particularly surprised. I was back home for the second game against Switzerland, so watched that at the local pub, where it was a 1-1 draw. The pub was full of happiness and singing, it was a great atmosphere. And then, the final game. Scotland against Hungary. Went to Dunfermline Athletic’s fan zone at their ground, East End Park. If Scotland win, we would be through to the knockout stage of the tournament for the first time ever. The whole country was excited, everyone was bouncing. History was in our grasp.

Fan zone at East End Park, Dunfermline. Me and my friend look like we are having a good gossip.

Unfortunately, things did not go our way, and Hungary scored at the very last minute of the game. We lost 1-0. Devastating. Our tournament was over. Bad choices on substitutes and a dodgy formation, lead to sloppy play, and much sadness. I’m still sad today, but it doesn’t take away the experience we had in Germany, the mood that has taken over the entire country. It has been amazing to see our country represented on the international stage. And true friendships have been created, with German fans wanting an annual game between Germany and Scotland, and the Tartan Army being voted the fans of the tournament.

It’s been great, but I hope that next time things go a bit better.

Hate Mob

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Today a post has been made online by Kelly Piquet, the girlfriend of Formula 1 driver and current champion Max Verstappen. It is in relation to the hatred, and rumours spread by many people on social media.

People have been spreading accusations about infidelity, photoshopped conversations, and more. Things, that can affect the lives of real people and their families. And it is awful, and as a formula 1 fan, I would like to believe that most people don’t want such bullies to be a part of the community.

It’s a thing that seems to be on the rise. People hide behind anonymous accounts spreading hatred and bullying people. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t anything new. I remember having to change Twitter accounts a few years back because I was getting dogpiled on, and every message was telling me to kill myself. Now, fortunately I was mentally capable at the time to close my account, and start again. There are times in my life, where such comments would have been enough to push me over the edge. Because one or two you can ignore, but when it’s hundreds of accounts, it’s horrific to try and deal with.

Now the problem is that a lot of well known people (sport stars, musicians, politicians, etc) and their families are being targeted. They get that hate that normal users do, and get the added issue of people using things like AI to generate fictional content. It has been warned about previously, with the rise of AI, but no one took it seriously. Now people are creating fiction where they allege known people are cheating on their spouses, sometimes with ‘fans’. They can make A-list stars say whatever they want. And it is very scary. Or I imagine it is for anyone with any kind of public image.

The truth is, as it always has been, that you never really know who you are talking to online. As as much as we can build true friendships online, some may act maliciously. Protect your online space. If you see negativity and ‘rage farming’ block the accounts doing so. If people react angrily and try to start a fight, block them. These people who are hateful online, usually hide behind anonymity, and are not worth your time. Report and block when you see abuse occurring, don’t turn a blind eye. Don’t engage, because these people, crave engagement. It all seems like a game because it is online.

Today I have been on TikTok and threads, and I honestly have never felt so detached from an online community. It’s been building over the last few months, in the formula 1 community. Last week I posted on Threads thatl wanted Lance Stroll to get points at his home race, and I had r*pe threats sent to my Instagram inbox, with others telling me to die. What kind of person does that? Obviously there were from ‘bob3482’ kind of bot accounts. It’s horrible. And every person who uses online environments to make friends and build communities should be in agreement.

Report abusers. Block haters. DO NOT ENGAGE. And most of all, support one another.

But… it takes effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am currently lying on the couch, lazing in the sun, whilst a documentary about hill walkers is on the telly. I’ll be honest, just watching them walk up Ben Nevis is draining. I think it is because I feel such lethargy for everything at the moment. The world seems on fire, and I am finding it rather hard to do anything other that the basic.

I think the hardest thing for me is eating regularly. One of my aims for 2024 was to lose weight, but I have in fact put on weight. It feels like, yet another, failure. I always need to remind myself that I have been in pain, my arthritis has been a headache for the last few months. With me having issues with medication, causing problems with me physically doing things. My feet, my knees, and my hands are sore and swollen, especially after my work. As a result, I spend the weekend trying to recover, as if you didn’t know, pain is exhausting.

Part of me knows that if I was able to lose weight, it would help things like my pain and my energy levels. But, it is hard to do anything. Especially when recently, I don’t feel hungry, I just get sick. Which, in turn, makes me not want to eat. I did watch a video on TikTok, where a person said that they set alarms for when to eat, and stick to it. It didn’t matter what it was, but they had to eat something, be it a whole meal or just a piece of fruit. Maybe that would be a good shout.

Arrrgghhh!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I really am not doing very well at the moment. Work is a pain, health is horrible, and every time I sit down to write or do anything creative, I just find myself staring at an empty page. I am so frustrated. Why?

Work? Work has been okay, and I seem to be preforming well in the tasks that I have to do, which is grand. The problem is, that the money I am getting doesn’t seem to be going further enough. I know people say ‘get another job’, but when I have been with the company for 10 years, it is harder to leave than one may think. I have job security, hours and shifts I can plan my life around, and the benefits (like online consultation with a GP) cannot be sniffed at. It’s the lack of overtime that I am frustrated with. You see, for the last several years, if I ever needed money for anything, I could work an extra shift or two, and that extra £100+ would be there. But there is currently no overtime, and that makes things a little strained, financial wise. And, there is no sign in sight, and I am not used to that. So yeah, I’m annoyed.

Health? I hurt. I have ran into a roadblock with my medication for my rheumatoid arthritis, and I have had to stop taking the tablets that have been working. This means that I am back to sore feet and hands, where I have the energy to do my job, and that’s about it. People often remark to me, that if I can work, it’s not that bad. But, when my hands have no grip, I can’t really cook without dropping stuff everywhere, so I rely on Shin ramen noodle bowls and microwave meals. Which then means my health is shit, because I can’t hold a knife to cut or prep any salad or anything healthier. I can get a small side salad, but they don’t seem to keep well, and the ones left when I finish work seem to be well past their best. Then I have the toothache that has been on and off since the end of January. I broke a tooth when I ate a piece of pizza. They do say, what you love hurts you the most. Anyway, I am not registered with a dentist and it is impossible to find one. I am currently waitlisted for 4 in my area. Some days it is searing pain, other days it’s more like minor sensitivity. It is so annoying. I am muddling through, but I can see why some people get to the point where they try to pull their own teeth out. And then, there is my mental health, which is utter rubbish right now. I feel like I am treading water, but it is really exhausting. It’s like I am throwing everything at just not drowning.

And creativity, I have honestly had problems with my creativity for the last few years. Some would say the start came when I made the decision to formally study art at college. It took it from being a fun hobby, to something that I had to take seriously enough to be my future job. Safe to say that didn’t happen. I struggled to make work for people who didn’t like the same artistic style as me. Like, everything I did was rather messy, I suppose that is because I am messy myself. But, the whole process felt awful, and I struggle to make any kind of art now. Writing, I just feel like I complain about the same things all the time. I guess that happens. But, again, there is that expectation that a blog is there to make money. Even WordPress expects it. Constantly promoting selling stuff, and how to make your blog a business. Like… I put enough pressure on myself to post, that I get so frustrated and post nothing. This blog is for me personally, to document stuff, it may develop into something else, but for the moment it is me and my pondering. I shouldn’t be made to feel I am doing ‘it’ wrong by the very platform that I have used for years.

But that is why I haven’t been around. I am struggling to cope, if I were to be honest. But, I am hanging in there.