Pressurised

I made a plan in November last year, where I would have 12 months to change my life. Every day I would do something positive, something that will move me towards my goals. Sounds admirable, and I thought that if I started at the tail end of the year, there would maybe be more chance of me keeping up with what I hope to do.

Unfortunately, it coincided with the winter. With compulsory overtime at work. And the hardest, most personally challenging part of my university course. A bit of a mental health crisis. Physical health problems. Just, one thing after another. I has left me with about 5 weeks of complete loss. Of uselessness. Where there has been no energy to push through the imaginary barrier that has formed.

Today, this has continued for most of the day. I have eaten, I cried over work I couldn’t understand. I didn’t talk to anyone. It took till about 3.30pm for me to attempt to write a list. One that has 4 items, 2 of which are studying, and the other is eating dinner, and writing this very blog. A list that looks laughable, but still feels like progress.

My head feels like a constant fuzz. Like TV static. The kind that makes it so hard to focus on anything productive. So things have to be done in small bits. I just hope the small bits are achievable in some way. So that I am able to pull myself out of this feeling of uselessness.