Month: March 2016

Wasting Time

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It has been one of those weekends which has been a complete waste of time. I over did it on the alcohol over the weekend, and I am at that age where the hangovers last 2 days. Which is nice. I blame Russian Vodka, and the fact that I can’t handle my drink. Or, probably more likely, I can’t handle my half-a-glass measures. I slept most of yesterday away, and today, I still feel iffy.

I guess, you could argue, that is what the weekend is for. Enjoying yourself during your days off from work. But, I’ll be honest, I don’t drink very much. I am not a big fan of ‘getting wasted’, and never have. Like, I do like a few beers every now and then, but not the drinking to get drunk. Sometimes, usually when I mix my own drinks, the more I drink, the bigger the measures, the more drunk I get.

That’s all fine, it happens. I had a good time, and it was fun. Took me an hour and a half to walk the half a mile home, but still, was fun. I just feel guilty about wasting my time off work. Which sounds really stupid. But, I think everyone gets that regret after a night out. You end up questioning every judgement that you have made in the recent past. Wondering where it all went wrong. As if you did something wrong and the hangover is punishment.

But it happens. The best thing is that I have a 3 day weekend, so I will have my busy day tomorrow. That should help me feel like I have achieved something over the weekend. I have stumbled through the last few days in a bit of a haze, with plenty of water and junk food. I now feel human again. Eventually.

A Little Peace

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

Points Of Interest

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you like? What ‘stuff’ makes you happy?

Everyone has different things that makes them ‘tick’. Something that inspires them to get through a tough day. Something that helps them unwind and relax. Something that cheers them up when they are sad. Things mean different things to different people.

I have lots of different things that make me happy. They are mostly food, music and football. The food one is unhealthy. I have a habit of ‘eating my feelings’, which is never a good thing. If I feel like crap, I eat crisps and lots of fatty snacks. It is one of these things that I know is unhealthy for me, but I still do it. Because it has become a coping mechanism, when trying to deal with those down periods in life. It seems easy because it is something simple, buying the stuff is the hardest part. But when done, I feel bloated and rubbish for an entirely different reason. I am trying not to be too hard on myself, as I have to re-train myself on how I deal with things. And that takes time. Yes, I am slowly moving away from relying on comfort eating, but it I’m not there yet.

As mentioned, i have grown up being a fan of both football and music. I support my local team Dunfermline Athletic, and at the moment they are flying high in Scottish League 1. The team are 5 wins away from lifting the title, and winning promotion back to the Championship. I have always loved football, but when I lost my job a few years ago, I turned to football. Dunfermline were going through it a bit, they went into administration. It felt like what I was going through with my lack of job, was mirrored in the what was going on with the club. Fortunately, they have built themselves back up slowly over the years, as have I. Seeing how close the club were to the brink, gives me hope, knowing they got through it.

Music was a big thing for me, particularly when I started getting bigger problems with my mental health. I felt so alienated by how I was feeling, and nobody around me understood. But, music helped. Listening to albums by Good Charlotte, Rancid, Blink 182, etc, helped me feel not so alone. Through the internet, mostly band forums, I was able to connect with fans of the bands that I had come to love. Some of these fans were going through the same stuff as I was, so we helped each other. It’s not just though, sometimes listening to Cattle Decapitation can lift me after a shit day at work. Britney Spears’ Greatest Hits might wake me up in the morning. NWA have always made me want to paint and be creative. Different music effects my mood differently.

Which all sounds awesome, and it is. For me. What doesn’t help are people’s reactions on what makes me better. Noone thinks that I am overweight because I couldn’t talk to anyone. People seem to believe that you can’t like certain types of music, if you like football. But anyone can like anything. Anyone can rely on anything to cope. It is not for anyone to take away from something that another person likes. You should be the person who decides what you like. Nobody else.

When You Say Nothing At All

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been updating over the last few weeks. Sorry about that. I have just been going through a phase where I haven’t been able to find the words for what is on my mind. Which is a very suffocating feeling when you are forever noting little things down, and all of a sudden nothing seems to happen. I have been sitting with a pen in my hand, or with a blog post open, and nothing happened.

It’s not that things haven’t been happening in my life, in fact, more the opposite. Work has been going well, I have been going out, and generally feeling very relaxed. Now, normally I would say I find it harder to write when things are going well, because I don’t have anything to rant and rave about. But, that hasn’t been the case either. I have had some times, where I have been really, really down. Those times were I have lay in my bed, and cried my eyes out. That is when I would normally try and write something, but it hasn’t happened.

So today, I had some time and thought I would do something. It is something that makes me feel productive, and made myself sit at the computer for a while. I originally was planning a pinball game that I bought off Steam, but it’s refusing to load. So, that has got my agitation up enough to have a wee ramble. But, I do feel guilty if I don’t check in with this blog every now and then. Sometimes writing nonsense is better than writing nothing, as it helps me get out of whatever funk I may find myself.

Hopefully I get can get things back to normal. But I guess it is important to never stop trying at something. It is knowing that although things may not happen at first try, you are still willing to give stuff another go. That is a good way to look at life, when I think about it. Just be persistent at aiming for things that you want to do. If you simply give up, you will never know what may have happened. Giving up brings with it the regrets you get with missing out.